To be scared of having DC

[PosyNarker]

I am a successful woman in early 30s. DP and I have been together for a long time and are getting married next year.

Our 20s were a bit rough due to ill health and house problems. Kind of felt a bit cheated but we are where we are and I'm generally fortunate.

Anyway I am getting to the point of thinking it's now or never. Tbh, I'm really not that bothered. DP claims he isn't either but if fab with kids. I am scared of the pregnancy restrictions, the birth, the nappy years.... You name it I'm not keen. If someone could just hand me a 4yr old that'd be dandy

Am I being a big wuss or should you really really want the nappy years etc before TTC?

We're just slightly short of bring able to afford a lot of help and in 5 years we almost certainly could, but I don't know if I have 5 years. To be honest I'm not sure I want kids at all....

I know what you mean MrsTittle - even with one baby it's hard to get time to be myself sometimes. I think that "I am more me" still fits though as I now feel that being a mum is a huge part of who I am meant to be.

The no going back aspect is fucking terrifying. I remember it crashing down on me like concrete. You can get out of everything else - your job, your relationship, your house - if you change your mind.

You can't go back on parenthood. It is ungetoutofable. There is no room for doubt or error. Struggling with motherhood? Never mind, its only another two decades and then you can be yourself again.

Yeah the no going back aspect is scary. You don't know if you'll end up with a kid with SEN for example. It's unlikely but it's there.

Gosh I'm just a little bundle of joy

Don't have one if you don't really want to, BUT don't let all the "it's your whole life changed" and "it's such hard work ALL THE TIME" put you off!
From my own personal viewpoint, nothing else, I really don't find motherhood that hard. I think I am actually fairly selfish, and that may be why I find it easier in some ways, because I didn't ever feel I had to breast feed 24/7, or not go to the toilet on my own, or have the odd night out.
The one caveat in this is that I have one child (not choice just circumstances) and so obvs that is much easier than two, in most ways, although as they get older it becomes less easy I think.
Honestly, I was never a mumsy person, but when I imagine life without ds being here it just seems so empty and flat.
It's NOT all drudgery; we have lots of fun. My son makes me laugh more than anyone-and when he gets the giggles it's the best thing.
If I could have another 2 I so would.

Don't rush into anything. And make sure your partner really really wants kids too, or else you will end up doing everything.

'Mum seems to think it'd be Posy does a 50-60hr week, all the childcare and the housework.' Do you think she might have a point?

For what it's worth, I don't feel like I am 'more me'. I feel just the same as I always did.

I certainly wouldn't choose to have kids with a man I didn't think was going to do his fair share though. Your priorities RE work etc do change, but that has to go for both of you. It can't just be you doing all the compromising.
I feel like exactly the same person, albeit with an extra facet.

I had no interest in the nappy years. But I love them. As soon as I got pregnant I fell in love with babies. Honestly never wanted to pick one up before then. Hormones are magic!

The big question is whether you want children long term. I think everyone has periods they enjoy more than others, which doesn't matter as long as you learn how to deal with it, love them, and remember that every stage is a stage.

I think a PP who said see how you feel when you get married had it spot on. I met (now) DH at 30 (we both were), spent ages together before getting married this year at 35. He was deeply unkeen on kids, I was kind of ambivalent before getting hit with the broody stick about 4 months before we got married. It wasn't a massive gamble to marry anyway as we are perfect for each other, but it was a massive gamble on whether kids would come into the question. I am still extremely keen, DH reluctant but coming around, and we'll start TTC later/end of this year. We've agreed though to only have one, and DH sounds quite a bit more housetrained. Everyone has given great advice here re either waiting or adopting - and we're all different, only you and he really can ever know whether it's the right thing for you both. FWIW I'll be TTC at 36 and we've both had some health problems in the past but nothing major. The idea of having a baby with major health problems is a huge cause of anxiety for both of us.

I wouldn't just yet in your situation. Given your relationship history, I'd want to see how that plays out a bit longer. If there's one piece of advice I'd give any woman considering motherhood it's choose the father of your children wisely.

Make sure he's someone you can imagine a really effective co-parenting relationship with even if he's divorced. Be as sure as you can be that he has the sort of moral code that would make it inconceivable (no pun intended ) to mess about with contact and not pay maintenance. Make sure he's the sort of man that would come home to a screaming baby and a harassed mother and immediately spring into action to help, not the sort of man who runs away to the pub, his hobby or asks you like some sort of bewildered child "what do you want me to do?" Make sure he's the sort of man who treats you with respect and pulls his weight domestically before children arrive.

If that's all a given, remember that our offspring tend to be adults for much longer than they are children. The relationship between parents and adult children lasts much longer and is something special. The joy of seeing that small child reach that stage is something special. The baby stage is IMO just a complete pain , but it is such a short, short time in our lives overall.

But you can have a great, fulfilling life without children. Unless you really want one, don't have one.

think hard. My mother never really wanted kids, and i still struggle with what she left me with aged 30+. Children are a big deal, and another human deals for life with the mistakes you made.

Can you imagine your future as rich and fulfilling without kids? In the long term would you get pleasure out of life and all the beautiful things in it?

For me, I couldn't. I think I was suffering from a bizarre sort of depression until DD came along and now I honestly see the world through different eyes.

So in that sense the 'feel more me' comment I totally get. However you may not feel like this in the slightest, and enjoy life just fine, in which case I'd think seriously about whether kids are for you. You have time though.

My son has austism and and times it is very hard, like Monday when he almost set the house on fire.

But with help and advice and alot of support I get through.

I agree with others that motherhood isn't necessarily that hard. I have two and am recovering from PND after my second (who's now 5 months) and I still don't find it that hard. There are tough days, definitely, but overall I'm much more motivated to work hard for my children than I was to work for an employer. And the rewards you get from looking after children are worth more to me than a salary. Soppy I know, but true.

BUT I should add a big part of the reason I don't find motherhood very hard is that I have a DH who genuinely does his fair share of childcare. He works FT but when he's home he is on the ball. I don't have to plan everything or pack bags for him or any of that shit, he does his part of all that. I think if you have a partner who sees the children as your responsibility but he'll "help out" when it suits him then it must be really hard because the most difficult thing about parenting IMO is the weight of responsibility. If you have someone who genuinely shares that weight with you then it's much much more manageable.

Yes I too should caveat all my comments with the fact I have an amazingly supportive husband who is a brilliant dad and pulls more than his fair share of weight.

It sort of depends on what kind of person you are. If you're someone who analyses every decision and does regret some then you may find waiting until you're sure a sensible thing to do. That said, I know people like that who just cracked on and never regretted it.

I do think people put too much emphasis on how life changes and how hard it all is etc etc. it's just a kid. They're pretty adaptable particularly when very small. You don't have to do the whole big buggy, organic snax, breastfeeding stuff if you don't want to. You'd be perfectly entitled to ship it off to child care and get back to work if that suited you. Or you may find you wanted to quit work and buy into all the lovely stuff for a year or two.

Life is ever changing and evolving. Try not to see it as a shock to the system. Besides there are 9 months of pregnancy (and the whole ttc process) to get through first.

But don't feel you must have children. Maybe you don't want them. If not, try and accept that decision and don't feel compelled to explain yourself too often.

Good luck

If you aren't sure I would err on the side of cation. The poster who asked if you would regret it further down the line is making assumptions that when you are older any children you might have will be there for you. Well, that isn't necessarily the case.

I was told that it was very unlikely I would ever get pregnant. Since I was never maternal or bothered about having children I was fine with that and had a good life - career, holidays, outings etc.

I unexpectedly got pregnant at 41, and having been an adult for over 20 years before having DD with all the freedoms and choices it entailed I found motherhood extremely hard. When DD developed medical issues that meant 24/7 care for several years it was a double whammy. OK, we were unlucky in that respect, but the difference in lifestyle from being able to do what we wanted when we wanted to having life revolve around a medically fragile baby was bloody difficult. I had got pretty selfish by 41 and putting someone else first all the time made me feel quite resentful and wish for my old life back. In spite of all this I love DD to bits.

Fortunately the medical issues have resolved them selves and DD is now a teenager, but the worries you have about your children never go away, they simply become different ones.

I am painting a bleak picture here, but that is how motherhood is for me. I don't find it fulfilling, it just is another aspect of my life. I don't think my life would have been better or worse if I hadn't had DD, just different.

Noblegiraffe said: "No kids, no possibility of grandkids, no one to visit you in your nursing home...would you regret it?"

Please remember a few things, OP.

1. Having children is not compulsory.
2. Having kids doesn't necessarily mean grandkids.
3. Having kids does not necessarily mean they will come and visit you in your nursing home.

I get really mad when I see anything along the lines of "having kids so there is someone to look after you and visit you when you're old" because that is NO reason to have kids. Because, and as someone who has worked in nursing/old people's homes, I can tell you now there are thousands of people who get dumped in homes by their family who either never visit or hardly visit. And that's more heartbreaking than not having kids, I can tell you.

Jessica I whooewheatedly agree with that

I also add that having children just to fulfil your own needs is senseless. Having children should be about helping the, to develop into their own people and to make their own decisions and be independent. If that means they don't like you and don't want to hang out with you then you have to accept that.

I'm in a similar situation as you OP. we get married in September. I'm 31 and DP is 33. He's very broody though and I know he'll be a great dad. We've talked extensively and he'd like to work part time after we have a baby. After thrashing out all the details I feel that we've worked out a plan to suit us. I'm the higher earner and my career is important to me. He enjoys his but not to the same extent. I feel like a huge part of the worry I had has gone now. Don't just come off contraception, talk about what life with a baby will be like.

I think you're right to examine your feelings on this, but don't over-analyse too much. I really wanted kids and have found actually having them really hard. I have friends who didn't know if they wanted them, got pregnant by accident, and took to it like ducks to water - you just don't really know how it's going to go. But if you think you might want them, I'd say do it. Much easier in life to regret the things you did than the things you didn't.

Juneau said "But if you think you might want them, I'd say do it. Much easier in life to regret the things you did than the things you didn't."

WHOA. Hold up there.

Sorry, but we're not talking about having missed out on the opportunity of visiting the Grand Canyon when you had a chance at 25. We're talking about creating a human life that, as someone else said, can be like throwing a hand grenade into your life. You can't hand them back if, a year later you regret having them!

NO. Big, big no. Aside from 'accidents', children should be 100% wanted by both parents and not had because "my partner wants one, I don't, but they'll leave me otherwise", "it's what people do", "because my parents moaned about grandkids", "in case I might regret it".

Hey OP, YANBU to find the whole thing scary. It's such a huge decision - one I'm struggling with myself. I'm kind of the opposite to you though - I work with babies and young children and can see myself really enjoying the first 5 years or so but I absolutely dread the older years and teenage years.

It's the 'not knowing' that is really difficult - do I really want this? Will I regret it if I don't become a parent? Will I regret it if I do? The pressure to go along with it because 'everyone else' does it is immense but has to be one of the worst reasons for becoming a parent!

Do you have a gut feeling about the parenthood issue? Do you have a feeling deep down inside about which would be the right choice for you? My gut feeling is no, so I'm trying to ride out the hormonal feelings and passing broodiness for the next few years (I'm 33). It's a very difficult and painful issue though.

And by the way, please give yourself a massive pat on the back for giving this issue so much thought - I see parents every day who clearly didn't and many of them give a strong impression of regretting the outcome. And please ignore suggestions about coming off contraception and seeing what happens - it's such a huge issue that you need to be a sure as you possibly can before taking action!
Good luck and keep posting

'Sorry, but we're not talking about having missed out on the opportunity of visiting the Grand Canyon when you had a chance at 25'

Completely agree Jessica. Some parents absolutely do regret having their children - I have seen evidence with my own two eyes on many occasions. Parents who are bitter, nasty, snarly, resentful towards their tiny children - it's horrible to see. My own mother has strongly suggested that if she had her time again she would not have had children.

'Overthinking' is a ridiculous concept anyway but this is no 'overthinking' when it comes to parenthood. As another poster said, you can walk away from absolutely everything else in your life if it came to it, but you will have a responsibility to your children forever so you need to be damn sure.