To be scared of having DC

[PosyNarker]

I am a successful woman in early 30s. DP and I have been together for a long time and are getting married next year.

Our 20s were a bit rough due to ill health and house problems. Kind of felt a bit cheated but we are where we are and I'm generally fortunate.

Anyway I am getting to the point of thinking it's now or never. Tbh, I'm really not that bothered. DP claims he isn't either but if fab with kids. I am scared of the pregnancy restrictions, the birth, the nappy years.... You name it I'm not keen. If someone could just hand me a 4yr old that'd be dandy

Am I being a big wuss or should you really really want the nappy years etc before TTC?

We're just slightly short of bring able to afford a lot of help and in 5 years we almost certainly could, but I don't know if I have 5 years. To be honest I'm not sure I want kids at all....

You haven't got to spawn. It's not the law!
25% of women in the UK don't have children.

It's considered wrong to look at having children as a lifestyle choice, but it really is one. A family ties up vast amounts of money, time and effort. Without children, you've much more freedom about how to use your resources.

A childfree life can be full of all sorts of other, meaningful projects if you want it to. The point is that you get to choose - once you have DC, they are your long-term project.

It's worth as much in-depth discussion as you, DP and your friends can stand. That said, you may find you can't stand much of it and the decision's easier than you think :)

Much easier in life to regret the things you did than the things you didn't.

Only when they are not ongoing for-the-rest-of-your-life things.

I was like you, but then just decided it couldn't be that bad. It was. The thing is, however, that you get the bad, but you get the good, as well, so that sort of keeps you going on a practical level. You can't help but want the best for your child.

So, now I only have one DC and the older he gets (he is nearly 4 now), the less I think I could go back to the baby stage, although I had originally thought I would have 2. The first 2 ish years were pure HELL to me (disclaimer: had PND and no support from family or friends nearby).

There are some people who give more thought to choosing a vacuum cleaner than having kids. It still amazes me that I know intelligent people who got married in their early-30s and were divorced within 5 years because one wanted kids, the other didn't and they hadn't discussed it at all.

The vast majority of babies are born healthily, thank God. But you have to consider how you would cope if your child was born disabled in some form and you basically had to, pretty much, give up your life to become a full-time carer?

I have a friend who married a fabulous, lovely bloke. She was pretty indifferent to kids but had two because her husband really wanted kids. He died when the second child was six months old. Just dropped dead. At 38. She is now on her own raising those kids. She loves them but I know because she has told me that if she'd had a crystal ball and known the future, she would not have had them.

Twins. You could have twins. Do you want twins?

Yeah, but the OP isn't completely opposed to having kids - she sounds ambivalent - but lots of people feel like that.

OP, you don't have to rush into this if it doesn't sit right with you at the moment. It's not 'now or never', but I do think its easier when you're younger to adapt to the many changes that having a baby brings. There is no bloody way I'd want to have been a first-time mum at 40-something. It was hard enough at 33.

What IfNotNowThenWhen said. If you don't want to have children, don't, but please don't let others view of how hardwork it is or how much it will change your life put you off. It put me off for a long time and I am annoyed with myself that I allowed it to. If parenthood was so awful, no-one would ever have a second child. There are plenty of parents who manage to continue their sports and hobbies and have a full life after having children.

Yeah, but not being vehemently opposed to something isn't the best reason to do it! I'm pretty sure most people feel the choices they have made were right for them: constantly pining for a life you didn't have is a guarantee of unhappiness.

I did want children, though I never had that craving I've seen in some of my friends. As it turned out, I didn't have them; I had adventures instead. If I'd had kids, I would not be who I am now - I'd be someone else.

OP, I had my only child at 39. i never planned to have a child, never felt remotely broody and was extremely focused on my career, travel, cultural stuff. I know that all family and friends considered me the type to remain childless. For that matter, I considered myself the type to remain childless. I was not particularly keen on others' children, and had a happy life with my partner. When I look back. It's difficult to think about what changed to make us consider having a child. Given my age, we thought we might already have left it too late, and were ok with that, but I got pregnant within a few weeks.

Motherhood has been very difficult and identity-shredding, but the love I feel for my toddler is the most astonishing emotion I have ever felt, and at times, I feel almost wild with happiness.

That's irrelevant to you. What I do want to say, though, is that I don't think there is a 'type' who will make a good mother. I will freely admit to being a selfish, impatient, headstrong person, but i am a good mother (so far). I also don't think that being ambivalent about motherhood is any indication of how you will be as a mother, so I don't agree with those who say you need to really want it in order to deal with the hard stuff. It changes you, and not always for the worse. Whether other people think you are the type to have a child, or not a 'natural mother', is irrelevant. Don't let other people's version of you stop you.

I agree with those who say to be sure you have a partner who will be an equal co-parent, though.

Having said that, you need to give yourself permission not to have a baby if that is what you want. Many women don't, and I think public perception is skewed by a lot of media stories about infertile couples with terrible regrets. There are also people - and I would have been one if them had I not had my son - who don't have children and lead fulfilled, happy lives. Think of it as a choice between two different kinds of good life. Good luck.

PS. YY to Garlic's final paragraph. We don't hear that kind of sentiment enough in the public domain.

Just one point not really covered yet - most people go from 'one pregnancy' to 'having children' when considering this issue.

Remember there's nothing wrong with having a single child. The boards here have a section for people who have only children by choice, I know a few people who have onlies due to choice or through health concerns for the mother who knew they'd only ever do pregnancy once. There is no evidence that only children are disadvantaged in life for not having siblings.

DH and I haven't commited yet to a second, we may not, but even we sometimes slip into saying 'when we have children' but there's at least a 50/50 chance if not more that we might always have one child which is FAR less disruptive to career and working life for the mother due to only one maternity leave and makes a very different kind of familly unit than the average two children or families where the children outnumber the adults.

'Think of it as a choice between two different kinds of good life'

This. Absolutely this. Agree that the media hypes up stories about women who 'left it too late' or couple 'devastated by infertility'. Of course these types of people exist and their sadness is real. But you almost never hear the other side - people who didn't have children and are happy, or even relieved and profoundly grateful that they never became parents.

Ok. To tackle your worries one by one (leaving aside the fact it's perfectly fine to not have kiddos - I am assuming since you've gone to the trouble of posting that you aren't 100% sure that you don't):

Pregnancy. Not particularly restricting - the food, alcohol, etc stuff you can use your common sense and go with what feels right. The first trimester is pretty crap physically - spots, daily vomiting and lots of migraines for me. BUT the second and most of the third can be lovely - you look and feel glowing and sexy, loads of energy (physically and emotionally) and people are incredibly kind to you.

Birth - I don't think this should be a reason not to have em, not on its own. It can be amazing or it can be horrendous, but afterwards it's over and you knit back together and actually, I've found it's made me feel incredibly fearless and strong. Plus it's an endless source of conversation with other mothers - I never get tired of talking about it :-)

Nappies. Hmmm. I'm quite a pernickety type, but it's just not as bad as you think. For one thing, when they are just drinking milk the poos are liquid and sweet smelling so although they get through lots of nappies changing them isn't really yucky in the way you think. Once they eat real food and do actual, proper poos they only do one or two a day and you can lob them straight down the loo in general (the poo not the nappy).

And the other thing that I think is impossible to appreciate before you have DC is just how bloody quickly it all goes by. When ds was a newborn the sleepless nights were tough. But they were over in the blink of an eye. So if there are stages you find hard then generally they pass quickly.

I'm not really 'good with kids' in that sense of finding it really awkward when eg a colleague or friend hands you theirs and you're not sure how to talk to or what to do with them. But I adore my own beyond all reason and its an emotion I really can't liken to anything I'd ever felt pre-DC. Life is bigger, better, brighter, has more meaning, now DS is in it. The contrast of my life before and after DC is as different as black and white telly and full colour.

But yes, it is the biggest undertaking of my life so far and changes you, your life and your relationship with DH completely - so nothing wrong with you thinking very carefully before you decide.

Monkeymamma, that's a nice list but far too personal to say this is what it is like. For example, nothing of what you say about pregnancy rang a bell for me at all - what is this looking and feeling glowing you talk about? or having loads of energy? or even not being restricted? But equally no spots or migraines either.

I'm trying to say, OP, that if you have concerns about any aspect of pg, childbirth or parenting it is of course useful to hear other people's experiences but everything will be personal to you.

Give it time. Other posters are right to say that if you have kids and do regret it, that will be a very, very difficult situation. Focus on your wedding, and take time to think about this. But whatever you do, please don't feel that one of the reasons to consider having DC is that you feel you ought to have DC. I have a friend who is TTC right now and I am very worried that this is the only reason she is trying, and about the tiny chance that things could go wrong in the future...

There is a thread in relationships right now about a marriage that's gone down the pan. He had an affair because she refused intimacy (including hugs and kisses, not just sex) for three years after they had a baby. She's now pretty much admitted there weren't many feelings there for her partner but she rushed into it, knowing he was a really nice guy, because she was worried her time was running out to have kids.

Not the right way to go about things. And unfair on any potential child.

Basically, I think what the sensible people are saying, OP, is that it is NOT about anyone else. Everyone will have different experiences of pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood. All you can do is weigh it all up BUT follow your own path and gut instinct; do not allow anyone to pressure you one way or other. Either path is fine! Good luck!

Good post shrugged.
I know that pre-dc I was not the kind of person anyone would have said "she''ll be a good mum" about!
I was flighty, lived out of a suitcase a lot, crap with money, bored easily.
And no, I am maybe not the best at remembering to buy new school shoes before term starts, or never running out of milk, but being a mum has brought out some things in me I had forgotten I had, like I am great at playing imagination type games, I know the names of all the trees and how to recongnise them. I will get up on that climbing frame and make a tit out of myself etc.
A lot of the things that make me a (sometimes) fun mum are because I grew up in a tribe of siblings (and we had to make our own entertainment) and yet I totally agree with badguider in that it's OK to be an only too.
In fact, in my adult life, some of the most interesting, kind and extraordinary people are onlies.
They just bring something different to the party, and in my experience, contrary to popular belief tend to be very considerate of others and good at sharing etc.
So, yes, you don't have to automatically assume "children". Just wonder if you would like a child. Start there.

Excellent post Shrugged. Are you me?

Lots of fab advice thanks.

I do think for me it's genuinely that I am quite a selfish, driven person and used to doing what I want at short n

Erk, need to get a handle on this damn iPhone! Anyway I can be quite selfish without impact on others right now, as can DP. We're not wild though - gym, joint cinema trips and out with joint friends a couple of times a month. They have kids, so it tends to be child friendly or early finish. The chaps always get the beer time but then they're my old friends so I maybe shouldn't analyse that!

I can see a fulfilling life without kids for sure. I could also see a nice life with grown up children (but am not daft enough to assume anything re: care and to be honest, the money I save not raising a kid....it's not an issue

I've made DP out to be super lazy and he's n

Erk, need to get a handle on this damn iPhone! Anyway I can be quite selfish without impact on others right now, as can DP. We're not wild though - gym, joint cinema trips and out with joint friends a couple of times a month. They have kids, so it tends to be child friendly or early finish. The chaps always get the beer time but then they're my old friends so I maybe shouldn't analyse that!

I can see a fulfilling life without kids for sure. I could also see a nice life with grown up children (but am not daft enough to assume anything re: care and to be honest, the money I save not raising a kid....it's not an issue

I've made DP out to be super lazy and he's not. He doesn't let our pets suffer so I really couldn't imagine him leaving a nappy. I absolutely could imagine him assuming the dishwasher fairy has dealt with the kitchen, for example. That's part of the 5 year thing.

I will struggle either way because I am a physically strong woman who does a lot of exercise and sports that are contraindicated in pregnancy, but as others have said it's a relatively short time. My inclination is to wait and if I don't conceive as a result I think we can both deal with that - our eyes are open.

Sorry for multiple posts!

That all sounds really sensible Posy. You are so right about the financial implications of the parenthood decision. You don't sound convinced at all that parenthood is right for you so waiting is definitely a good idea.

Your point about sports is a very valid one. I'm no Jessica Ennis but I go running and do Pilates and I enjoy feeling strong and healthy and energetic. I know how much work you have to put into fitness and I completely understand why this would be a major consideration for you, considering how pregnancy would/could change your body, even after the baby had been born. If you really wanted a baby, you would deal with it, but please don't feel selfish or self-absorbed because you're concerned about the effect of pregnancy on your body - it sounds perfectly reasonable to me!

"I am desperately awkward until they get talkative"

Once you have your own it will be different. I don't have my own kids but I have two lovely nieces. I felt the same as you in that i just didn't know what to do with them but that changed when they came along and everything developed naturally.

I find toddlers very scary (like a different breed) I have a 9 month old DD, so I look at them and think, 'Oh God, I have all that to come!' I imagine that's how you feel when you see babies? It's such a cheesy line but it's so, so worth it.

I never wanted DCs, in fact I was quite actively against the idea and would tell anyone who asked. Just one day I TOTALLY changed my mind and I never thought that would happen.

I hope it's ok to resurrect this thread, but I found it really helpful at the time and I'm grappling with exactly the same thoughts as Posy. However I'm a good few years older than her so it's more pressing for me and it's on my mind quite a lot at the moment. OP (if you're still around!) I'm just curious to know if your thinking has changed since you posted in July?

I find it hard to work through how I'd deal with the changes in lifestyle. Having less money would worry me and I wonder how I'd deal with losing my independence. Also, my relationship with DH would I suppose change, and I love how we exist together.

But when you don't know the upsides it's easy to focus in on the potential negatives...