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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be scared of having DC

100 replies

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 20:54

I am a successful woman in early 30s. DP and I have been together for a long time and are getting married next year.

Our 20s were a bit rough due to ill health and house problems. Kind of felt a bit cheated but we are where we are and I'm generally fortunate.

Anyway I am getting to the point of thinking it's now or never. Tbh, I'm really not that bothered. DP claims he isn't either but if fab with kids. I am scared of the pregnancy restrictions, the birth, the nappy years.... You name it I'm not keen. If someone could just hand me a 4yr old that'd be dandy

Am I being a big wuss or should you really really want the nappy years etc before TTC?

We're just slightly short of bring able to afford a lot of help and in 5 years we almost certainly could, but I don't know if I have 5 years. To be honest I'm not sure I want kids at all....

OP posts:

Beamur · 23/07/2013 21:42

Leave it a year and see how you feel. You still have time to think about this.
Your own child is very different from other peoples, but equally many people are childless and that's an equally valid choice to make.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 21:44

choc. Yeah I probably should focus on that, but outside of work we are faintly laid back (I'm a programme manager believe it or not, but organising wedding stuff...).

I do kind of agree, but we've been together 10yrs so it's not a new relationship.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 23/07/2013 21:44

It sounds to me like you do want a child but you are scared of the baby stage - is that the case?

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 21:46

To be honest both I and my close friends always assumed I would be childless. I am the epitome of the 'career woman' in many ways. (Also the antithesis in other ways
...,)

OP posts:

ImagineJL · 23/07/2013 21:47

To be honest you don't sound like you're ready for kids. If it's not something you feel very strongly about, you got nothing to lose by leaving it a couple more years to see how you feel. If you can't conceive then it's not the end of the world because as you say, you're not even sure if you want kids anyway.

Don't do it because you feel it's the "done thing". It's a massive commitment, totally life changing for ever, very very hard work, and there's no going back.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 21:48

Cailin terrified. Restrictions, loss of figure, loss of time to myself etc yup. Terrified.

I am not a selfless woman in normal life. I am not saying I'm an asshole by any means, but self-sacrifice is not my middle name.

OP posts:

McNewPants2013 · 23/07/2013 21:48

I find babies rather boring, including my own at first but when they grow up it's amazing.

Mine are now 4 and 7 and the baby stages are now gone, but i love doing most things with them.

the baby stage do go by very quickly.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 21:50

Imagine I think you've hit the nail in the head. Just need to ensure slightly younger DP gets the implications.

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 23/07/2013 21:51

If you don't want a baby don't have one. I think you can have a great life without kids if you don't feel broody for them. Or if you do like older children 3/4 plus then why not look into adoption?

ImagineJL · 23/07/2013 21:52

Can I just add that you have no time for yourself when they're 3 either, not just when they're babies! And when they're 4, and 5, 6, 7 - that's as far as I've got so I can't say beyond that!

I love it but I always wanted kids more than anything in the world, so I never had doubts, but I was still surprised by how hard it is.

LadyLech · 23/07/2013 21:53

Trust me, you're not alone in not wanting babies. However, it is not the done thing to admit such things.

I wanted children, but was not and have never been a baby person. I always liked children once they got to about 2 years. However, once I had my children I loved them straight away. They are older now (9 and 6) and I am loving this stage the most. I look at people with babies and toddlers and breathe a secret sigh of relief that my children are no longer at that stage. I have absolutely no desire to go back there, and other people's babies / toddlers do absolutely nothing for me. I know we're not supposed to admit that, but it is the truth. If I'm really honest, I really struggle when a new mum gives me her baby to cuddle, I just don't remember what to do!

I know others have quietly said the same too. Having your own children is so different from being with others.

CailinDana · 23/07/2013 21:53

The baby stage is hard work and you do lose a lit definitely but you also gain a massive amount. I don't think you have to be selfless to be a parent. The desire to care for your children is instinctive imo. Some people are shit selfish parents, yes, but ime that's actually very rare. Most people do just fine at it.
What were your own parents like?

BsshBossh · 23/07/2013 21:56

I've never ever wanted kids. I've never ever felt broody, not even when pregnant with DD. I definitely found the nappy years tough even though she was the easiest baby out of all the babies I knew and even though she slept through the night from 6 weeks! I waited until I was 37 to get pregnant with her. I'm an introvert and find the constant noise/chatter of a 5 yo tiring at times.

But, oh my goodness I am so happy she's in my life!

Snowgirl1 · 23/07/2013 21:56

I never felt broody. I loved my full life. We only tried to conceive because I was 38 and DH said we might regret it if we never tried (I don't think he was that bothered). I was always a bit relieved when my period did come. Then we got pregnant and I was nervous but a bit excited - but had many moments when I was worried we'd done the wrong thing and at one point thought even thought we'd have have to have the baby adopted. Went to an NCT class where others were gushing about the wonders of growing a baby inside them - I just didn't feel that.

Then I gave birth and I loved my DD with my whole heart from the moment they put her in my arms. I felt broody for another baby from day one, but sadly we're probably too old and really would need a bit of a gap between kids to afford the childcare (and can't afford for me to give up work as I'm the higher earner). I have no regrets about having a baby. My only regret is that we didn't start a family earlier so we could've had more.

I was crap with other people's babies and kids. I've never felt in the slightest bit awkward with my DD.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 21:59

My parents were great when I was little. Very involved, took me to lots of hobbies etc. When I was very small I was mostly cared for by gran, but that was due to mortgage rates (mum had to go back much earlier than expected - I'm a 1981 baby).

Both my parents are tidier, harder workers than me. Dad unfortunately likes the wine a bit much. Always did and it's always been an issue but aside for that they were and are incredibly supportive. Dad loves babies. Mum's a bit like me in that she doesn't really know what to do with them although she worked with older children for years

OP posts:

CailinDana · 23/07/2013 22:03

They sound lovely. You seem quite down in yourself - you say you're not selfless, that your parents are tidier and work harder. Being a parent doesn't require any particular skills or special qualities, everyone just makes it up as they go along

McNewPants2013 · 23/07/2013 22:03

When it is your own baby you don't need to ask others what to do, as it will be your baby.

I chat to DD and ds all the time, which is usually rubbish. However I don't really click with other children.

even though i held my own babies, other peoples baby do make me very nervous.

It is up to you ofcourse and if you never decide to have children you can still lead a rich and filling life without them.

badguider · 23/07/2013 22:09

I waited till now (36) because although people will tell you how you can't take your fertility for granted, I felt that to have a child I didn't really want in my early 30s on the off-chance I would change my mind would be unfair on the child.
I took the risk fertility-wise of those extra years and meanwhile set up my own business and did some high altitude trekking in the Andes and hardcore mountain biking in the Alps, late last year we finally felt ready and was lucky enough to get pregnant as soon as we stopped using contraception.
If we hadn't conceived I would have accepted my share of any "blame" for waiting.

servingwench · 23/07/2013 22:11

Kids (IME) never stop being hard work. You have to put them before yourself all the time! They don't seem to get easier as they get older...just different! I sometimes crave a day, just to myself, to please myself and not be doing something for someone else....even when I do have time to myself I will generally be doing something dull that I can't do with kids or worrying that they are ok wherever they are...the worrying doesn't ever seem to stop.
I love being a mum, but it is a job that doesn't come without compromise and hard work...continually. If you're not up for that, I wouldn't do it!

maternitart · 23/07/2013 22:13

Give yourself a year or two, and pack in as much fun stuff as you can. You might feel more ready then, and if not you'll have had an amazing time!

May09Bump · 23/07/2013 22:13

My 4 year old is so much more hard work than when he was a baby.

We lost our 20's to issues and planned a baby at 30, from what you have said I would give yourself a bit more time and figure out how life would work with a baby.

I wouldn't be without my son, but it is bloody hard sometimes and I was quite relaxed re my spare time being taken up.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 22:14

Glad to hear I'm not the only one nervous of other folks kids!

Parents aren't entirely blameless to be fair. Yes they are supportive and helpful, but I do think they have an issue seeing DP in particular as a grown up. He is hellaciously untidy and my solution is get a cleaner, make him clear up. Mum seems to think it'd be Posy does a 50-60hr week, all the childcare and the housework. This also scares me!

(I don't do all the housework right now, although washing and clearing up is a bugbear. I think her concern is our responsiveness to need would need to improve with a LO and I think she's right. We're bloody busy at the moment to be frank.)

OP posts:

Buddhagirl · 23/07/2013 22:23

Adoption? I reckon there are loads of 5 years olds out there who would like you as there mum.

CailinDana · 23/07/2013 22:24

You do need to work out the practicalities such as how much maternity/paternity leave you'll each take, what you'll do about childcare etc. You don't need to convince your mother of anything but if you feel your dp wouldn't be a good coparent then that is an issue. Parenting is hard even with a supportive partner who pulls his weight. If you think you will be left with all the burden then that is a big problem.

MrsTittleMouse · 23/07/2013 22:43

It's interesting that lyric that maternitart quoted states "I'm more me", because for me the opposite has been the case. My own life has been suppressed under the lives of my children and it's only now starting to come back again (eldest is nearly 7). It wasn't something that I did intentionally or as a martyr, it's just that I had/still have! two very demanding children, and I just didn't have the time or energy to be me as well.

I remember before I was pregnant chatting to DH and he was stating that he didn't want the children to come between us, and that our relationship would still have high priority. Actually, we've pretty much managed that, with the help of grandparents who can babysit occasionally. But right now when I think about that conversation, I don't nod sagely. What I actually think is "I'm spending 24/7 looking after a highly demanding toddler, who barely sleeps, and a newborn who breastfeeds constantly and they are both insanely jealous of each other, and there's all the feeding and cleaning up, and you're giving me the responsibility of looking after the fucking marriage too!". All the stuff about the father feeling left out (which DH never did thank goodness) just makes me think "get over yourself - what kind of care and looking after is the mother getting when she's giving her whole self to the baby and it's a big deal to get a shower!".

As I said, I've never regretted having children, and they bring us a massive amount of joy. It's just that they are also an insane amount of work and there is no going back and no let up. I thought that once I was done with toddlers that it would be easy. It's easier, but we still have minor medical issues, choosing the right school, social issues at school, and just general dealing with life stuff. More than I ever thought when I had a baby. I haven't reached the teenage years yet, but I gather that they are also interesting :) . I think that it's OK to realise that you just don't want them that much, that's it's too much to give up.

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