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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed about DP's ex's reaction?

96 replies

Enfyshedd · 22/07/2013 05:43

I thought I'd post this due to the flack I had over being annoyed at DSS2's behaviour.

Last day of school on Friday, and DSS2 had brought home the resukts of his national numeracy & reading tests (in Wales). As background, a score of 85-115 is the average band, 115-125 is above national average, 125-140 is considerably above national average.

DP handed me the results sheets as soon as I got in from work as he was about to take DSSs to their mother's (she's taken them on holiday this week). First sheet was numeracy result - score was 116. I turned to DSS2, told him well done and gave him a quick hug - I'm genuinely pleased he's done so well. Then DP told me to check the second page.

Now, 2 years ago, DP (& I) made the decision to move DSS2 from his old primary school to his new one - partly because the new one is a lot closer to our home (DP has primary custody), but largely because of how poorly performing the old school is (3 inspections in DSS2's last 12 months there). DSS1 left that school 3 years ago to go to comp after 4 years in that primary, and has taken this long to get near his potential. DSS2 finished reception class in that school only able to recognise & read about 12 written words. DP's ExW had a solicitor's letter sent to him to try and stop him from moving DSS2, but he ignored it.

So, the second page of results - the literacy/reading score. 139. Right at the top end of considerably above national average, and an adjusted reading age of over 3 years older than his actual age.

Reader, I was speechless. Then I screamed! I couldn't feel more proud or more pleased for all that he's achieved in the 2 years in his new school. As DP was about to leave with the boys, my cousin arrived to bring DD home after having her for the day and I couldn't resist showing them the results too - big congratulations, smiles and a pat on the back from my cousin and his fiancee as well.

So, DP takes a copy of the results down to his ExP, hands them to her at the door, and she reads them. First page 1 - no comment. Then page 2 - "Oh". That was it. "Oh".

DSS2's worked so hard and achieved so much in the past 2 years, and that was her initial reaction. Not even a "well done" to him on the doorstep. Of course I don't know what happened afterwards behind closed doors, but for that initial reaction to be so muted, it really grates.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 22/07/2013 05:51

Well, it seems that with DSSs living with you, they are in the right place.

Well done to you and to DSS2!

trinity0097 · 22/07/2013 06:30

Do you think she understood the results, standardised scores are not the easiest to understand for someone who isn't pre-warned that that is what they are about to see?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 22/07/2013 07:32

Agree that she might not be familiar with the test scoring system....I wasn't and I have to look at my DDs and read the "instructions" a few times before I can be happy. Maybe she felt on the spot too with you standing there.

Crocodilio · 22/07/2013 07:53

If that was me, I'd want to give my son his congratulations privately, and would wait until my ex and his judgy new partner were out of the way and not clocking every reaction I made as to whether it matched what they thought I should do.

Maybe she didn't do this, and she either didn't understand or wasn't bothered, but what do you want, an award for being a better parent than his mum?

Crocodilio · 22/07/2013 07:55

Sorry, that was really rude, I might be projecting my own situation a bit there.

Original poster

Enfyshedd · 22/07/2013 08:49

Trinity0097, NeoMaxiZoomDweebie & Crocodilio - Maybe standardised scores aren't the easiest things to understand, but when the same sheets of paper state that a just turned 7yo has a numeracy age of 8yrs 2mths & a reading age of 10yrs 2mths, I think it's reasonably clear that the boys has done good.

Crocodilio - I wasn't present, DP told me what her reaction was. Maybe she did want to congratulate him in private, but surely a well done would have been something reasonable to say in front of her Ex. No offence taken if you were projecting.

I know I judge her on the fact she walked out on her children because she'd been screwing another man for 3mths, didn't see them for a month and was pregnant with another child by the time she saw them again. I also judge her on the fact that after they'd split and DP was attacked and hospitalised for 10 days, she tried to get him to have both boys (then aged 10 & 2) back the first night he was out of hospital when he was had no money except a few pounds he'd borrowed off friends and no food in the house. And I also judge her because she went mental at her eldest's first parents evening in high school because I turned up with DP, tried to have me thrown out of the school, shouted at one teacher for looking at me to answer a question I asked and ran off to the toilet to cry for 20 minutes after shouting at the teacher.

Let's just say I'm not her biggest fan and think that she could be a little more supportive of her children.

OP posts:

Dumpylump · 22/07/2013 08:54

I was with you until you said you were at eldest s first parents evening at high school. Why were you there? If his mum and his dad were in attendance, then no need for you to also be there. Any information you felt you needed could have been relayed later to you by your dp, the child's parent.

NotYoMomma · 22/07/2013 08:59

errr she lives with him as a primary carer and fought for them over schools?

why shouldn't she be there?

quesadilla · 22/07/2013 09:01

On the face of it I would say you are right. But as others have mentioned we don't know how she reacted in private.

BridgetBidet · 22/07/2013 09:04

I think you need to take a step back and think about this a bit more objectively. She is still there mother and this is a fairly minor issue. Obviously there has been a bitter break up, but I would guess that the children would benefit from the least bitterness and aggro between their parents possible and as such it really isn't worth making an issue over this.

I suspect that her side of the story might be very different and that she may well feel her toes are really being stepped on as a mother.

BridgetBidet · 22/07/2013 09:04

*their, doh.

MorrisZapp · 22/07/2013 09:13

Blimey, now we get the real reason for your anger. Well, fair enough, but it sounds like the kids have been through a lot. Don't make tensions and arguments where there don't need to be any.

Fwiw I'm v intelligent, literate etc but found wading though the acronyms and key stages in your OP quite hard going. Presumably the mother in this story wanted to look at the report over a cup of tea and did not instantly translate all the info.

Dumpylump · 22/07/2013 09:15

Notyomamma op and her dp changed dss2s school, not dss1. I still do not think that a step parent needs to be in attendance at a school parents evening if there already two parents there....and I say that as a step parent myself.

NotYoMomma · 22/07/2013 09:21

Surely the issue with parents evening was the mother kicking up a stink, what happened to United front for the sske of the children?

she made the decision to leave her family and dp is the rp.

Leviticus · 22/07/2013 09:34

OP do you think you might need to just chill out a bit?

You were posting the other day about how irritating you find DSS2. Now his mother.

Is there something else going on here? What's making you so angry with everyone?

Original poster

Enfyshedd · 22/07/2013 09:35

We didn't know she was going to turn up to DSS1's parents evening - she sent a text to DP saying she'd meet him there when we were on our way to the school.

Yes, DP is the RP.

It's just how my cousin and his fiancee who's only met the DSSs a handful of times had a more positive initial outward response on reading the results...

OP posts:

mumandboys123 · 22/07/2013 09:37

How can she be supportive of her children when her ex and his partner are making decosions about her children and ignoring solicitors letters on issues as important as a child's school. If you were a single mum who had done that to dad you would have been flamed but instead you are treated as some kind of saint for pushing a mother out of her child's education backed by the saintly stepmum brigade. and making a decisipn to leave your family does not give another woman the right to make decisions about your child - legally or morally.

Original poster

Enfyshedd · 22/07/2013 09:38

Leviticus - If you want to know what's probably the biggest issue in my life right now, find my post about my ex

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 22/07/2013 09:39

Well done to your dss. Marvellous news.

I don't think you can really judge an initial reaction to be fair. See how she treats dss when it's sunk in.

Anyway, you and your dh have showered him with congratulations, happiness etc. His confidence will soar. It's fantastic news.

I love to hear children doing so well especially after it seems they've been under performing.

WinkyWinkola · 22/07/2013 09:40

And don't waste your time thinking about dss's mother and what she says/doesn't say. You can't control that.

CloudsAndTrees · 22/07/2013 09:42

YANBU. She should have given the reaction that most people would, for the sake of the child's self esteem and confidence.

In your position, I would feel the same.

Leviticus · 22/07/2013 09:48

Ok. I can see you've got a lot going on. Mumsnet is a good place to vent I suppose. You're unhappy about a LOT of stuff though - lots of AIBUs. I'm just saying perhaps try to take a step back and relax about the smaller stuff rather than letting it get you angry.

Original poster

Enfyshedd · 22/07/2013 09:50

We moved DSS2 from a school which had been inspected 3 times in 12 months, was failing DSS2 and was a 30 minutes walk to get to (driving would take longer due to traffic). He moved to a school which has outstanding reports, which he has thrived in and is only a 5 minute walk from his primary residence. And it was not my decision - legally, it couldn't be my decision. However, I helped DP with researching the new school because he moved from outside the area and I knew more people who had links to the new school who I could ask for information.

Even before the decision was made to move him, she (a SAHM who lives closer to the old school than us) refused to pick up DSS2 from school when he was sick when the school couldn't initially get hold of DP (he was in a meeting and didn't hear the call to start with). She cost DP a contract with a company because he had to leave the meeting and travel back to collect DSS2. Since then, I've been down as 2nd choice contact for the schools, and I work a 30 minutes train ride away from home.

OP posts:

mumandboys123 · 22/07/2013 09:56

It was not your partner's decision to make. The child has two parents who have a legal right to be involved in decision making as big as school changes.

helenthemadex · 22/07/2013 09:58

Well done to your dss however Im not sure why your dp didnt just give her a copy of the report in an envelope, handing it to her in this to me looks like you are attempting to score points using dss and his results

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