AIBU to be annoyed about DP's ex's reaction?

[Enfyshedd]

I thought I'd post this due to the flack I had over being annoyed at DSS2's behaviour.

Last day of school on Friday, and DSS2 had brought home the resukts of his national numeracy & reading tests (in Wales). As background, a score of 85-115 is the average band, 115-125 is above national average, 125-140 is considerably above national average.

DP handed me the results sheets as soon as I got in from work as he was about to take DSSs to their mother's (she's taken them on holiday this week). First sheet was numeracy result - score was 116. I turned to DSS2, told him well done and gave him a quick hug - I'm genuinely pleased he's done so well. Then DP told me to check the second page.

Now, 2 years ago, DP (& I) made the decision to move DSS2 from his old primary school to his new one - partly because the new one is a lot closer to our home (DP has primary custody), but largely because of how poorly performing the old school is (3 inspections in DSS2's last 12 months there). DSS1 left that school 3 years ago to go to comp after 4 years in that primary, and has taken this long to get near his potential. DSS2 finished reception class in that school only able to recognise & read about 12 written words. DP's ExW had a solicitor's letter sent to him to try and stop him from moving DSS2, but he ignored it.

So, the second page of results - the literacy/reading score. 139. Right at the top end of considerably above national average, and an adjusted reading age of over 3 years older than his actual age.

Reader, I was speechless. Then I screamed! I couldn't feel more proud or more pleased for all that he's achieved in the 2 years in his new school. As DP was about to leave with the boys, my cousin arrived to bring DD home after having her for the day and I couldn't resist showing them the results too - big congratulations, smiles and a pat on the back from my cousin and his fiancee as well.

So, DP takes a copy of the results down to his ExP, hands them to her at the door, and she reads them. First page 1 - no comment. Then page 2 - "Oh". That was it. "Oh".

DSS2's worked so hard and achieved so much in the past 2 years, and that was her initial reaction. Not even a "well done" to him on the doorstep. Of course I don't know what happened afterwards behind closed doors, but for that initial reaction to be so muted, it really grates.

But a school failing a child is a good reason, as has been clearly stated.

Hang on, how long has the child been attending his new school? Because if he was still at his old school 'a couple of months ago' then this 'sudden' change in his recoded abilities cannot realistically be put down to this wonderful new school can it?

She hasn't pushed the mother out, the mother left.

Well done EnfysheddDSS2 what a star!!!

I think some posters on here are projecting & I wouldn't let their comments get to you.

Their mother sounds like a complete loss and they are lucky to have both their Dad & you making sure they get the best start in life you can give them. As far as I'm concerned their mother has lost the right to make decisions re schools etc & it's not as if you moved them to another country or anything.

As for their mother 'not being used as a babysitter' words fail me. The child was sick and she couldn't be arsed to go and get him from school?

Your DH & you are 'parenting' these children, the mother is not. You have every right to attend a parents evening, especially one which she had given you cause to expect her not to attend.

DP encourages the DSSs to have a relationship with her. So do I. In fact, before DP & I got together, I was asked to speak to DSS1 to convince him that he had to see his mother and to not be so offensive to her even though he hated her so much for walking out of them. DSS1 was 9 when she walked out - old enough to take it very personally.

Mimshimi - She wasn't working, she was a 10 minute walk away, DP was in a meeting a 45 minute train ride away and ended up having to get a taxi back because of a problem on the line on the was back. I believe she lost custody due to abandonment.

mumandboys123 A poor ofstead is not a good reason to remove children from a school all of the time. - No, but a child who isn't developing as well as you think they should be probably is a good reason. DSS2 wasn't moved to spite her or just because it was more convenient for us - he was moved because we thought he'd have a better chance. By the end of his first week in the new school, they'd identified all the ares he was behind in and they had him in a smaller group within the class with a TA to provide additional support. He wouldn't have got it in the old school. In fact, due to problems we picked up on with DSS1 by his second year of high school, we found out that the majority of SENCO referral requests that the high school receive relate to pupils who went to the old primary school. Surely statistically this isn't likely if the old school has got the pupils' best educational interests at heart?

Sorry, but the school are in the wrong here, and certainly shouldnt be discussing children with neighbours!!

The comment about hoping your DSS will grow up and judge his mother is just horrible. I think you need to calm down and stop focussing on your DP's ex. Why not set a positive example to your DSS and be nicer to his mother. Allow him to grow up in a positive environment and love both his parents equally.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots - DSS2 moved schools 2 years ago. The sick incident I think was in January 2011 which was about the time we'd started talking about how stupid it was walking for 30mins in the pouring rain to school when there was a school a 5 min walk away. Decision to move DSS2 was made by the end of the spring term 2011.

The mother is entitled to leave an unhappy relationship.She is also entitled to leave her children with their father, particularly if she recognises that their best interests may be served by dad becomming resident parent. None of that gives dad the legal, let alone moral, right to remove her from decision-making on the children's lives. My ex walked away from me and at one point he didnt see the children for many months - his choice - but he still loves his children and wants what is best and wants a say in how they are brought up. He would never pick them up from school - that is my job, as resident parent and i have back up plans to my back up plans to deal with that.

So the school move was about quality of education or avoidin bad weather?

Well done Enfyshedd's DSS. God I hate the step-bashing on here. I've been a stepmum for a long time and during that time I have attended lots of parents evenings with DH (2DSD's). Sometimes as a buffer between DH and XW but most of the time as back up in case XW didn't turn up (she would promise the girls she was going and then we'd get a call from them saying please come because mum isn't going 5 mins before it started).

When DSD2 went to high school, she asked for all 3 of us to attend because it was her 1st year there and she wanted the teachers to know who was who in case she had to be collected (the kids weren't allowed off school premises) and for subsequent years I would have gone if she asked or if XW didn't turn up. DSD2 moved in with MIL when she was 11 and MIL attended her fair share of parents evenings with both girls. Don't see why it's such an issue (shrug). Now that they are 21 and 18, they themselves will tell other people that it was nice to know that there were people who cared enough about their education to attend. To give XW her dues, she did start to attend them when she realised that it upset the girls and unless it clashed with her DD3's dates, and to be fair academic achievement has always been more important to DH because he feels that he missed out on opportunities because of his lack of education.

elastamum The comment about hoping your DSS will grow up and judge his mother is just horrible - I was told by another poster that the DSSs will judge, and I said that they should. What's the problem with saying that?

I grew up and judged my "D"F to be a mentally abusive prat that I wanted to have no further contact with, and I haven't. He has tried to manipulate members of my family to excise influence over me since I cut him off when I was 19, but I refuse to be swayed by it. I want my DSSs to be free to make their own decisions about their DM. I don't say anything about her in front of the DSSs, apart from occasions like when they came back from a weekend with her sunburnt because she didn't provide them with suncream, but did put suncream on her own DD - I managed to keep my reaction to a face after I'd asked DSSs if there had been any suncream around.

Regardless, mum should have been consulted about the school move. You need a huge shift in thinking and work with both your partner and mum to do right by the children. You would all benefit from a change in attitude, but particularly the children.

Did I miss the bit where the OP said the mum wasn't consulted?

mumandboys123 - It started as a "what are the options" conversation as the second inspection had been announced, DSS2 wasn't seeming to develop at all and the weather was rubbish. We research the local school and found it was a lot better. DP arranged a meeting with the headteacher which he attended himself and got a really good vibe off the school. He informed ExW that he was planning move DSS2 to the new school and she initially didn't object. If I recall correctly, it was after a separate disagreement between them that she had the solicitor's letter issued.

Mum sent a solicitors letter that was ignored....dad signed off the paperwork....

I am going to leave this discussion as i have said all i can. you are in the wrong in my opinion and should involve mum in decision-making. you are clearly know better...

If I attended a parents evening and my ex had brought his new girlfriend along I would be FURIOUS. I would hope to handle it better than the mum but the sentiment would be the same.

Out of interest op, how long had you and oh been together before he moved you in with his kids? Seems like quite quickly if I'm interpreting the timeline correctly.

PrettyKitty - We were living together & engaged by the time of the parents evening at the end of the spring term. DP & I were good friends for 2 years before we got together shortly after I left my ExP. I knew the boys almost the entire time (just over 5 years in total now), so I wasn't this new person sprung on them out of the blue; in fact DSS1 was asking DP when I was going to move in. Me moving in was a bit sooner than it probably would have happened as I was effectively homeless after leaving my Ex and was staying at my DMs.

Crikey, all the flack the OP is getting because she's one of those "wicked stepmothers". For all those giving the OP shit have you read the bit where the mother walked out on her kids? Where another man was more important than her kids and that their dad has been the resident parent for a long time? Of course the OP should go to parent's evening and of course the OP should have a say in how her stepsons are raised she's one of their primary carers.

The mother sounds exactly like my DSD's mother. All mouth and no action. She used love causing shit by going to see a solicitor and giving them a sob story. It was easy for her because she was entitled to legal aid. it cost us a fortune every time because we weren't entitled to legal aid. I went to all my DSD's parent's evenings on my own. DH was usually working and her mother wasn't interested.

Oh and the kids do realise when they grow up and see how things really are. DSD is 20 now, she hates her mother tries to have nothing to do with her, yet has a great relationship with me and DH.

ReginaPhilangie It was easy for her because she was entitled to legal aid. it cost us a fortune every time because we weren't entitled to legal aid. - Yup, that's pretty much our situation. Funny thing was that her solicitor didn't even spell DP's surname right, so technically the letter wasn't valid anyway (you'd have thought that as ExW was still going by DP's surname at that time, she could have spelled it for them).

FWIW - She didn't like me before I got together with DP even though I'd never met her. One day before we got together, he was dropping off the boys and as the door was closing behind them he heard her saying to the boys "And if I hear one more thing about Enfyshedd..." (door closed). He said that was a big factor in his decision to ask me out, because it was obvious that his sons liked me and wouldn't stop talking about me.

Fathers walk out on theirs kids for another woman with a lot more frequency that mothers do, and yet if anyone dares to suggest they are a 'lesser' parent because they fucked off for another woman they would rightly be told in no uncertain terms that how a relationship ended has no bearing on their standing as an equal parent. Yet because this woman has done what countless men do, she deserves to be 'told' her son is moving school, not asked for her input? She might well be a selfish person, but she's still those kids' mother. Shoe-horning in a step parent to replace her might well work for their dad but it cannot be ignored how much more fucked up those kids will be because of those actions.

The double standards on this thread are shocking. The OP and her OH have done the very thing SPs frequently complain about on the SP board and yet here it's lauded.

My "D"F's brother walked out on a nearly 20 year marriage for another woman. Who did my familiy, including my "D"F side with? My DAunt, as the wronged party and the one left raising my cousins on her own. I hear that my "D"F has only recently started talking to his brother again, OVER 20 YEARS after my uncle walked out on his wife and children.

I have my principles - they may not agree with yours, but I stand by them. If you walk out on your children (one being a toddler), make no effort to contact them for a month, and by the time you do make contact with them you've already made the groundwork on starting a new family with your new partner, then you've made your intentions perfectly clear to all and sundry. It was certainly perfectly clear to then 9yo DSS1. She showed absolutely no concern for her DSs at that time.

I have to take offence to the comment that I was shoehorned into my DSSs lives. DP has sacrificed so much for his DSs, and had written off any chance of ever having another relationship - his attitude when his Ex walked out was "who'd want a single dad in his late forties with 1 primary aged child and 1 preschooler?" The only reason that he even thought of asking me out was because his DSs liked me and would keep asking him when they were going to see me next, even though I was only a friend. Since I moved in, I've done my best to support DP in making sure my DSSs are looked after properly and are getting the best start they possibly can get in life so they grow into intelligent, confident, sucessful adults. I just wish that I could be convinced that their DM is doing the same.

Wow, pretty lofty horse you're on there, OP.

So, according to you, your "DP" only asked you out because he knew that you irritated his ex? And you heroically hold back your feelings about the woman... yet make stupid faces when the woman's children mention her and her actions? And you turn up, unwanted, at parent-teacher evenings, even though the kids' mother is already there?

Lovely couple you sound!

Enfy - do you eat Blueberries? If you do, you will know that initially they all look much the same, but when you bite into some of them, they are bitter and the only thing you can do is spit them out, well... some posts are the same :) Just spit the horrible ones out and don't give them another thought.

Any parent (male or female) who walks out on a baby and a small child, ignores their children for a month whilst getting pregnant (or getting someone else pregnant) and then does shit like refusing to pick a sick child up from school when they could, loses all right to have a say in the day to day upbringing of said children. Any adult who takes that all on has every right to have a say in the upbringing of said children.

themaltesefalcon - umm, did you need help getting those facts so twisted?