AIBU to be annoyed about DP's ex's reaction?

[Enfyshedd]

I thought I'd post this due to the flack I had over being annoyed at DSS2's behaviour.

Last day of school on Friday, and DSS2 had brought home the resukts of his national numeracy & reading tests (in Wales). As background, a score of 85-115 is the average band, 115-125 is above national average, 125-140 is considerably above national average.

DP handed me the results sheets as soon as I got in from work as he was about to take DSSs to their mother's (she's taken them on holiday this week). First sheet was numeracy result - score was 116. I turned to DSS2, told him well done and gave him a quick hug - I'm genuinely pleased he's done so well. Then DP told me to check the second page.

Now, 2 years ago, DP (& I) made the decision to move DSS2 from his old primary school to his new one - partly because the new one is a lot closer to our home (DP has primary custody), but largely because of how poorly performing the old school is (3 inspections in DSS2's last 12 months there). DSS1 left that school 3 years ago to go to comp after 4 years in that primary, and has taken this long to get near his potential. DSS2 finished reception class in that school only able to recognise & read about 12 written words. DP's ExW had a solicitor's letter sent to him to try and stop him from moving DSS2, but he ignored it.

So, the second page of results - the literacy/reading score. 139. Right at the top end of considerably above national average, and an adjusted reading age of over 3 years older than his actual age.

Reader, I was speechless. Then I screamed! I couldn't feel more proud or more pleased for all that he's achieved in the 2 years in his new school. As DP was about to leave with the boys, my cousin arrived to bring DD home after having her for the day and I couldn't resist showing them the results too - big congratulations, smiles and a pat on the back from my cousin and his fiancee as well.

So, DP takes a copy of the results down to his ExP, hands them to her at the door, and she reads them. First page 1 - no comment. Then page 2 - "Oh". That was it. "Oh".

DSS2's worked so hard and achieved so much in the past 2 years, and that was her initial reaction. Not even a "well done" to him on the doorstep. Of course I don't know what happened afterwards behind closed doors, but for that initial reaction to be so muted, it really grates.

YANBU.

Having said that that, I refuse to act like a performing monkey in front of the ex during handovers too.

Of course that's the game, Helen. We are far better parents than you. Played out in thousands of households worldwide with no regard whatsoever for the impact on the children. OP has proven her point - they were right to move schools and remove one parentf rom decision-making.

What did you expect her to do exactly? If I knew that my reactions to everything were being watched, reported back, and eventually discussed on Mumsnet I think I would be quite reserved as well.

FFS, the poor OP is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

She is raising the boys in their family home with their father. If she showed no interest then she would be the evil stepmother who was emotionally abusing the children. Because she shows interest and is an active step parent she is interfering.

OP, I understand why you are so pissed off. MY ex SIL is very similar. My DNeice got great sats results, her mother ignored her on the phone and started talking about something random. Some 'mothers' are not interested, just like some 'fathers' aren't interested. And yes my DBro and his partner are my DNeices parents, my ex SIL lost that right when she attacked my brother and abused and neglected my nieces.

It sounds like you and your DP are doing a brilliant job OP

But I wouldn't take any notice of the ex's reaction

Personally I couldn't wait to get rid of my ex when he dropped the kids off, so I wouldn't have reacted openly in front of him either.

Also, she may well have seen it as your DP saying "I told you so", and that could well have wound her up.

Of course the decision to change schools was the father's decision to make - he is the one with custody.

I think that if a parent goes off with someone else and leaves their kids, refuses to pick them up from school when they are sick and refuses to make the best choices possible for them, wrt education etc, then that person is a shit parent and loses any right to a say.

Effectively, the OP is the mother now - the woman who gave birth to them doesn't love them enough to put them first and it is the OP who is doing all the worrying about them and ensuring that they are given the best chance in life.

WinkyWinkola - Thank you for the positive comment. DP & I are so pleased, as are every other member of our families who we've been able to tell so far. My DGP's were disappointed that the DSSs have gone away so they couldn't congratulate DSS2 themselves. The not recognising achievements thing does grate with me because my "D"F's reaction to my GCSE results when I was rated 15th in my year passing 10 GCSEs all A* to C's was "You could have done better". The first person to congratulate me was my maths teacher who saw me standing with "D"F My DM's work mates were disgusted when they found out his reaction, that they made a point of getting a card and a present from them all to congratulate me when we went to pick my DM from work to embarrass my "D"F. But I can never forget the feeling of being crushed by one comment by my "D"F because I hadn't done as well as his friend's son (who was more academic than me).

I'm so conscious about this with DSS2 that when I help him with spelling that when I have to point out mistakes, I make the point of saying "If nobody told you it was wrong, how would you know when it was right?", which he understands. I also make a big deal of praising him when he does his reading, spelling & writing practise well, and have driven my friends mad asking for suggestions when picking books to encourage his reading.

helenthemadex - The school gave DP 2 copies so he could pass one on to his Ex. They weren't handed over in envelopes and we had no envelopes in the house.

mynameisslimshady - Just a "well done" or "good work" to DSS2 would have been something!

glenthebattleostrich - you appear to have not read my thread about DSS2 last week. In that, I AM the evil stepmother because I get annoyed at DSS2 being annoying!

No, it is not the father's decision to make. and the courts would agree. and custody is a term outdated by at least 20years.

Well I must be an evil mummy as my 3 year old is driving me to gin, or is that ok because I gave birth to her?!!!

Disclaimer - I'm not actually drinking gin, just thinking about it :)

mumandboys123 has a point. If this was a woman posting about the shitty things her ex did, who objected to her moving their kids to a different school, she would be lambasted for pushing the father out. But it's ok here?

mumandboys123 - Ok then, should it be the parent who is the primary & residential carer's decision to make? The local authority seemed to be happy with it - DP had to submit a copy of the divorce papers with the application to move DSS2, and they didn't seem to think that his ExW's permission was needed.

Are you for real, karma? the op is not the mother and has no rights in law to take on the role. plenty of people leave relationships but they are still parents and that doesn't change under any circumstances. furthermore, the mother is clearly active in her child's life and wants to be involved in decision-making but has been denied that right. Under those circumstances, few people would blame her for not picking up the child from school - she should not be used as a babysitter for her own child. As resident parent you are on- call. That' s the job. the op amd her partner want affirmation about what wonderful parents they are which they have. it's a long road to adulthood and the children will judge.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots If this was a woman posting about the shitty things her ex did, who objected to her moving their kids to a different school, she would be lambasted for pushing the father out - Would she, if she was 100% sure that it was in her child's best interests and could put forward a reasonable case for it?

Would it have killed your OH to talk to his children's mother about a major decision like changing schools? Or was that not really needed because he had you to talk to about the decision?

Have you spent much time reading the LP boards? Or the SP boards for that matter? Where ex's are regularly lambasted for doing exactly what your OH did?

I agree with Worra, the mother saw it as a great fat "I told you so". Which is a shame - as obviously you did do the right thing moving him...

read up on parental responsibility. I hope she drags youthrough court but sadly i suspect she has been so marginalised from her children's lives she is too scared to deal with it.

I think the school are at fault here for giving you the results to pass on and not sending them direct to his mother. I hate having to pass stuff on to my ex and insist the school send him stuff directly.

OK, she didnt react in the way you would have liked, but I also suspect she is well aware of how you and your DP judge her and wanted him out of the house as soon as she could.

YABU for turning up at parents evening though, as you are not the parent of this child. Niether me or my ex would dream of attendng parents evening with our partners in tow.

I feel a bit sorry for you though. You obviously have issues around recognition carrying over from your own childhood.

You sound like you feel you are in a parenting competition with this woman and want MN to award you first prize - which strikes me as rather unhealthy.

mumandboys123 it's a long road to adulthood and the children will judge. - I agree and so they should.

And to clarify, the not picking up from school when sick incident was a couple of months before the decision to change schools was made.

Perhaps she will show a different reaction to her son or perhaps she didn't understand, at first glance, what the results meant. Without knowing too much about the details of the history behind her not having custody etc, is there any animsity between her and her ex which would be likely to cause animosity and thus a muted reaction? Did she willingly give up custody, did she lose it through neglect (was she working when she couldn't pick up sick kids from school?) or did she lose it because you guys successfully fought for it and she didn't have the financial wherewithal to challenge it?

Techically your partner should have responded to the solicitors letter and discussed reasonably. She may well have agreed with the decision. If agreement couldn' t be reached it should have gone to court to allow both parents to state their case. A poor ofstead is not a good reason to remove children from a school all of the time.

So you'll be happy with their realisation that their mum was pushed out by you and their dad? A child's love and loyalty is a funny thing. No matter how good your intentions are, pushing their mother out of the picture will doubtful be viewed as altruistically as you seem to think.

elastamum YABU for turning up at parents evening though, as you are not the parent of this child - The head of year didn't see it that way when their DM demanded to have me removed from the school. The head of year said it was common for grandparents & aunts/uncles to attend, and they'd even known of a next-door neighbour coming along . We didn't know that she was going to attend until we were halfway to the school. I look after them as a parent, so why shouldn't I attend a parents evening? Would you see it any differently if DP had been widowed and I'd decided to attend with him?