AIBU to be annoyed about DP's ex's reaction?

[Enfyshedd]

I thought I'd post this due to the flack I had over being annoyed at DSS2's behaviour.

Last day of school on Friday, and DSS2 had brought home the resukts of his national numeracy & reading tests (in Wales). As background, a score of 85-115 is the average band, 115-125 is above national average, 125-140 is considerably above national average.

DP handed me the results sheets as soon as I got in from work as he was about to take DSSs to their mother's (she's taken them on holiday this week). First sheet was numeracy result - score was 116. I turned to DSS2, told him well done and gave him a quick hug - I'm genuinely pleased he's done so well. Then DP told me to check the second page.

Now, 2 years ago, DP (& I) made the decision to move DSS2 from his old primary school to his new one - partly because the new one is a lot closer to our home (DP has primary custody), but largely because of how poorly performing the old school is (3 inspections in DSS2's last 12 months there). DSS1 left that school 3 years ago to go to comp after 4 years in that primary, and has taken this long to get near his potential. DSS2 finished reception class in that school only able to recognise & read about 12 written words. DP's ExW had a solicitor's letter sent to him to try and stop him from moving DSS2, but he ignored it.

So, the second page of results - the literacy/reading score. 139. Right at the top end of considerably above national average, and an adjusted reading age of over 3 years older than his actual age.

Reader, I was speechless. Then I screamed! I couldn't feel more proud or more pleased for all that he's achieved in the 2 years in his new school. As DP was about to leave with the boys, my cousin arrived to bring DD home after having her for the day and I couldn't resist showing them the results too - big congratulations, smiles and a pat on the back from my cousin and his fiancee as well.

So, DP takes a copy of the results down to his ExP, hands them to her at the door, and she reads them. First page 1 - no comment. Then page 2 - "Oh". That was it. "Oh".

DSS2's worked so hard and achieved so much in the past 2 years, and that was her initial reaction. Not even a "well done" to him on the doorstep. Of course I don't know what happened afterwards behind closed doors, but for that initial reaction to be so muted, it really grates.

Your DSS are very lucky to have you.

Chipping, nope... really do dislike self-righteous gloaty people, though. As though attacking these boys' mother in this way is really in their best interests. Horrid.

My mum walked out on us for a new partner and if I had then had a step mother as interested in my studies as your are your step children I would have been a lot happier and would have invested more effort in my studies. You are doing great and those children are lucky to have you.

Try not to dwell on the ex, just be happy and continue to treasure your family. Not all mothers care as much as they should and I think that some of the negative posts on here reflect that.

themaltesefalcon - let's break this down for you.

So, according to you, your "DP" only asked you out because he knew that you irritated his ex?
He asked me out because he realised that his DSs kept talking to him about me in a positive manner, and continued to talk about me in front of their DM. If they were talking about me enough to wind her up in the little time she does see them, then they must have been mentioning me a lot. It gave DP the confidence to think that if I did agree to go out with him, then his DSs would approve.

And you heroically hold back your feelings about the woman... yet make stupid faces when the woman's children mention her and her actions?
And you would keep a straight face when you're told that she put sun cream on her DD, but not on either of her DSs, one of which is only 3 years older than her DD? Then you're a better poker player than me.

And you turn up, unwanted, at parent-teacher evenings, even though the kids' mother is already there?
For the 3rd or 4th time: We didn't know she was going to be there until we were halfway to the school for the parents evening. What were we supposed to do? Turn around and take me home so DP would be late, or was I supposed to sit in the car for a couple of hours like a good little girl? Or should I go inside and ask DSS1's teachers the questions I had about his education & wellbeing seeing as I live in the home that DSS1 lives in for the majority of his time?

Thank you ChippingInhHopHopHop & Pigsmummy.

To go back to the original point of this thread, I just hope that she did actually praise DSS2 afterwards - not going to see DSSs for a week as she's taken them on holiday, so I have no idea what she may have said to him, if anything.

I would judge a father just as badly, who did what these boys mum has done.

Sure, people have a right to leave an unhappy relationship, but no parent has a right to fuck off and not see their dc for a month, to refuse to collect a sick child from school.

If you don't act like a parent, then imo you give up any right to be treated as one.

In that case ArtexMonkey, I was the one having the 'inappropriate emotional affair', because he was single within weeks of us meeting because she'd been screwing someone else for 3 months.

Just saying.

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time. She obviously loves and cares for her step sons and has taken on a primary caring role and is taking an interest and is doing that lioness thing that she is disappointed they don'tget more off their mother. it's hardly awful!

I know lots of step parents who go along to parents evenings

To be honest OP it sounds like you are projecting a lot of the issues you had with your own father onto DSS's DM.

Why should you know what she may have said to the child? you don't surely ask the child questions which start with ' what did mum.....?' Sadly, I suspect you do.

And to the poster who suggests those of us questioning this set up obviously don't care about our children, do fuck off. You have no idea whatsoever about our lives, how we bring up our children and the circumstances of our relationship breakdowns. I personally prefer to believe in my ex and his dubious attotude towards the children than attempt to remove him from our children's lives. Because that is the right thing to do.

I've been thinking about this and OP I really can't understand why you are so worked up about her cheating on your partner? It was obviously an unhappy relationship which broke down and both of them have moved on and found new partners. If she hadn't done that it's entirely possible that you wouldn't have your own child or be with your partner.

I really think you need to chill out, you sound really bitter and angry and it can't be good for these children to be in the middle of this. If you have real issues like the suncream you need to deal with these calmly and in and adult way. Losing your temper over what is essentially a non-issue will do none of you any favours.

OMG Mummyandboys: what is your problem?

Congrats on DSS's results btw

Oh ffs poor op. Your dss are oucky to have you. Well done to dss2 and fingers crossed they have a good holiday

Josephine I agree with Mumandboys. Some of the posts on this thread hark back to the Victorian attitude to adultery that it instantly makes a woman an unfit mother. It doesn't.

And I'm at a loss to understand why it's perfectly acceptable for the OPs DP to not collect them from school but unacceptable for his ex to say the same thing.

Remember OP, your DP was the first to refuse to collect them in those circumstances, not his ex.

so mumandbiys - if your ex turned round and want to dictate terms as the nrp with equal rights you would be happy ?- there has to be a decision one way or another - and if the equal parents disagree that means the final decision will go against someone's wishes - so at the end it was what was in the child's best interest - a shorter commute and better school with better support won out.

Why are you so bothered about your DPs Exs reaction to anything ? You have established yourself as uber mother. Why the insecurities and obsessing about the Ex ?

Maddening, come on, it's not about the school really is it?

Incidentally I'm not sure why the OP thinks that her behaviour is so much more healthy for DSS2. I've had a look at her posting history and her gripes about DSS2 on Mumsnet are:

Not being able to find his school shoes
Almost accidentally hitting her DD with a toy
Looking at her while she's breast feeding.
'Irritating' her
Mucking about with his brother
Breaking a photograph frame
Backchatting
Having too many friends round (who she kicked out)
Having a friend round who asked if he could have a biscuit
Having a messy bedroom
Having friends she doesn't like
Hogging the computer
She's said she wants to sell him (tongue in cheek)
Complained about him crying
Complains when crys because he gets scared by the TV
Complains if he has a minor tantrum
Complains he broke the PS2
Complains he argues and lies

And that's not even including the last thread. All the posts are specifically about DSS2 and are spiteful and nasty in tone.

The OP has also posted before about wanting to stop contact with their DM.

There is something really wrong in this family and it's nothing to do with the ex not being excited enough about his exams. I think the OPs behaviour is bordering on emotional abuse TBH. And I suspect that complaining about their DMs behaviour is a convenient way to deflect attention from her own.

And there are lots of threads complaining about him, at least five. It's not the DM who is damaging this boy.

If I had been on MN when I was StM to my StD every other thread on here would have been me moaning about her behaviour. I don't mean every other thread of mine either, I mean on the whole site!

She lived with me and her DF, my now ExH and I love her dearly! Now she is 29 and my ex and I split 10 years ago but we still maintain a close relationship! She knows I did my best for her and some of it was against what her own DM wanted.

I tend to judge situations based on info given in the individual thread, unless I can remember previous threads off the top of my head - I never search a posters history. I don't know whether that has been the right approach - I have trusted that posters are giving all relevant information in the specific thread, but maybe looking at the back story might be better in future.

Now that Bridget has mentioned it, I do remember reading a thread where the SM was very critical of being watched by her DSS while she breastfed.

I don't agree with criticising small children, when they are just doing normal childlike things. Every parent gets driven up the wall sometimes by stuff their kids do and parents need an outlet to let off steam, but there shouldn't be an 'edge' to that exasperation, so I hope that the OP doesn't genuinely feel hostility towards her DSS and that it's more a case of writing not conveying her feelings properly and it would come out completely different in a spoken conversation.

I do see why the OP feels hostility towards the ex though - I think there is never an excuse to abandon one's children, whether you are a mother or a father.

OP, I don't know if your family has talked all this through with a counsellor, but maybe it would be a good idea.