DPs ex insisting on having MY address?

[GirIFiend]

DP and I been together 10 months.

His DS who is 8 has always stayed with DP and DP's parents at their house which is where DP lived until 6 weeks ago when he moved in with me.

Last month DSS came to stay at my house to meet me and my DSes on his agreed contact weekend.

The plan was the same for this month but out of the blue DP's ex has texted saying she wants MY address or DSS will not be coming She says she has the right to know where her DS will be staying.

Can she insist on this?

I feel sorry for the situation you're in OP but please - humour me here - can you please just tell me/us why on earth you didn't just ask the question? Why did you have to go to all the pissabout of a reverse AIBU?

Oh dear, poor you, horrible situation. Can't see how you are being in the slightest unreasonable for wanting to know where your son is. Nosiness?! What about safety, security, continuity of care and general adult ness?

Ugh. Foul pair

You are not going nuts. This is sadly very, very, common. It's about insecurity, need for control or bitterness on their part.

I would reply politely that you are afraid you cannot agree overnight contact if your child is staying at an unknown address.

Don't get drawn into an argument. If he wants to make this a court matter, let him knock himself out.

The thing with doing a reverse is it makes (me at least) wonder if they have good reason not to give you the address.

In an amicable co parenting relationship you wouldn't be threatening to withhold contact when you know your DC is going to be with his father and there would not be an issue with you knowing you Ex's home address.

This is clearly not amicable, but you can't just jump to conclusion that refusal of address is justified because of her behaviour. I have found that is rarely the case, it is more often simply immature game playing by the withholding party, in my experience anyway.

I don't actually understand what reverse aibu is
But clearly op is at wit end

I haven't jumped to a conclusion. I said it makes me wonder.

I don't tend to assume that because someone makes an OP or is at the end of their tether that it must be because the other parties (who are not here to give their side) are the unreasonable ones. We don't know the backstory.

Of course. We don't know anything for certain.

All I know is that in 10 years I have seen many men refuse addresses. In only a handful of cases was there any legitimate reason, such as fear of harassment by the woman.

The pompous arsey text also has a very familiar ring to it.

Yup. Nothing scarey or unreasonable about step mothers. Ever.

Under no circumstances would I be allowing the contact to go ahead.

Not only do you have a right to know where your child is, you have a duty to make sure that wherever he is staying is appropriate so yanbu asking for the address.

Unless you have a history of being violent or aggressive to your oh or his partners then I can see no reason why you wouldn't be provided with the address.

MNHQ, my post was deleted for saying I wasn't sure whether the thread was genuine, meaning potentially a reverse thread, which it is?!

How about quietly getting your DC to note the address.

If you have an iPhone or whatever with Find My IPhone on it you could let your son take t with him and see where he s on the Find My iPhone app.

Are you sure you can't establish the girlfriends address by other means

• 192.com or whatever?

''Yup. Nothing scarey or unreasonable about step mothers. Ever.''

Yup. Nothing scary or unreasonable about mothers. Ever.

Look at the relationships section. So many threads about emotionally or physically abusive husbands ex partners etc. Not surprising of course, mostly women, mostly heterosexual and if they are on here already it's an obvious place to talk. But look at the other relationship threads about other relations. Suddenly there are a lot of emotionally and even physically abusive women, mothers, sisters, MILs, SILs.

These women people come on here to talk about are not just mothers and sisters and MILS but wives and partners to men.

I'm not trying to deny that women are overwhelmingly more at risk from violent men but when it comes to emotional abuse and fuckwittery I think it's probably a lot more evenly distributed.

You aren't unreasonable for wanting to know but your ex isn't legally obliged to tell you and the Court would not see it as good cause for stopping contact. Your ex is an equal parent and as such is deemed to be equally as capable of making appropriate choices for your son as you are - ie providing suitable accommodation. At 8, your son is able to communicate any problems with the arrangement - which he hasn't - so while it isn't nice for you and I sympathize, theres very little you can do besides rising above your ex's games.

Just ask your son to look at the street and house number.

I do not think it fair to involve the child in finding out the address like this.

Waffle, I agree. Women have no monopoly on sainthood, just as men are not always the villans.

BUT to refuse to tell the other parent of your child where that child will be sleeping UNLESS you have a genuine and reasonable fear the other parent will misuse that information, is 100%, no excuses, clear sign that you are a petty wankbadger.

I really feel for you op, it's a twisted world where some bloody random can be put in such a position of power over the child you have loved and cared for every second of their existence.

My eldest is almost 5 I have put my boys to bed every night, I think part of me would die inside if dh and I split up and some random woman started dictating aspects of their life.

YABU

My ex took our DD's to sleep at his gf's during his contact, I didn't ask for her address as he still had his own house. Then they got married and moved into another house, I asked for the address, he did not provide it. I let them go, after all he is their father. He didn't return them. Instead he made up some stuff about their elder brother and reported it to SS. and I did not even know where my daughters were.

He enrolled them into another school, and allowed me to see them for 1 hour in the next 2 1/2 weeks, which he personally supervised so that I wouldn't take them away.

Even with the police and social work telling him to bring them home (2 days after he made the call to SS), it took 2 1/2 weeks an indipendent court report and 2 court appearances for me to get them home.

I am not saying that your or your DP would do any of these things, or that me knowing where they lived would have changed things, but if you have nothing to hide why on earth wouldnt you tell her? it is perfectly reasonable for her to want to know the address that her exp is living at when their DS is staying with him.

Where do you all get the idea that a court would view withholding contact under these circumstances as bad? ( those that have that idea)

I have lost count of the times clients of mine have had lengthy court proceedings in order to with hold addresses from violent NRP's backed up by police reports social worker reports and it still has to be decided by a court and its not always agreed by the courts.

I've also lost count of the amount of NRP's who without good reason lose or don't get unsupervised contact orders because they refuse to disclose where the children will stay whilst with them.

Its really quite rare for courts to tolerate withholding addresses without very good reason and I've personally had a judge explain in my presence to my ex that it is a basic duty and responsibility of a parent to be aware of there child's location (meaning quite clearly standard contact location not days out ect) ex still refused to disclose so his order was terminated.

The (very sensible)family law solicitor also posting on this thread has also confirmed that withholding it would be viewed badly.

Its a perfectly normal bit of information for both parents to have unless very good reason is found not to have it.

scottishmummy I'm sure you've worked it out by now but just incase reverse aibu = posting the situation from the other parties stance on the matter not your own.

I completely agree sock - I have been representing mothers and fathers for over ten years in contact apps - if father was my client I would tell him to give address, if mother was my client I would say don't agree to overnight contact .

I agree with the wankbadger bit but I have no idea if they have reason or not. Which is what I've said all along. They shouldn't withhold the address unless there is good reason. If there is good reason to withhold it then they should do so and overnight access should not be denied.

Any OP is unlikely to say 'they won't give me the address just because I spent months hiding in a hedge outside my ex's old house with a kitchen knife'

DSS mum wouldn't give us her address for months when she moved.

Was weird. I don't know why you would keep it a secret?