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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

556 replies

orangebee1 · 19/07/2013 12:13

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

OP posts:

DollyTwat · 21/07/2013 14:07

DontmindifIdo · 21/07/2013 14:18

I would compromise on having Yiorgos as the middle name and saying to the family they can call him both as if they are double barrelled (so if your choice was say Ben, you'd say "Ben", theyd say "Ben-Yiorgos"). If he has a different name with your PIL that could get confusing, or he could upset thm by saying "my name's not Yiorgos, it's [first name]".

The Christening sounds like the sort of nod to your DH's family that, and i'd go with that unless your family are also religious but a different religion/denomination (don't want to look like you are favouring one side).

exoticfruits · 21/07/2013 14:22

A Christening is not 'a nod' ,it is a huge undertaking with specific promises!

Inertia · 21/07/2013 14:26

Don'tmind, that's a a really good suggestion about names as a possible compromise. It means that OrangeBee's son is always known by his actual name, but the rest of the family can include the second part of his name as well as his actual first name.

CheeseFondueRocks · 21/07/2013 14:31

God, that poor boy will be so confused by people calling him different names.

squoosh · 21/07/2013 14:34

Personally I'd be happier to go along with the christening than the name.

clam · 21/07/2013 14:41

4 posts, out of nearly 400. Ben allowing for multiple posts, that's a tiny proportion.

badbride · 21/07/2013 14:54

Having given it more thought, I agree with the posters urging you to stick to the original agreement. Tell your husband there will be no more compromises, and that you refuse to discuss it further.

If other family members try to bully you, assert yourself calmly by saying something along the lines of: "I understand that you do not agree with our name choice. But we have made the decision and we are not going to change our minds. So I will not discuss this with you." Repeat as required.

Lavidaenrosa · 21/07/2013 14:54

cheese that's not true. I am called different names/nicknames by different people and I did not grow up confused.

exoticfruits · 21/07/2013 15:02

I don't think he will be confused- he will just be Yiorgos , except to his mother. There are more of them, they are in their own country, they are bullying.

Original poster

orangebee1 · 21/07/2013 15:13

I should say that all our friends and associate would call him by my chosen name, we rarely see his family so it would not be so often. That said, i do still object that if they are in my house they call him Yiorgos, but my husband says it's his house too - i can't really argue with that.

I'm finding it very tough now to talk to my husband in a civil way, i am so irritated by the whole thing, I can't believe how desperate i was in the hospital after delivering and having that overwhelmed feeling all mothers have for my husband to cuddle me and say everything would be OK, but instead he went all silent when the name drama unfolded and just left.

OP posts:

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 21/07/2013 15:14

He'll only be called Yiorgos by the inlaws. And when he visits the inlaws. (Probably not that often after this!)

By his mum, friends, school, English family and officially he'll be 'mum's choice name.'

I think it's a workable compromise, I wouldn't like it but I'd lump it.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 21/07/2013 15:14

Oops, cross post!

diddl · 21/07/2013 15:19

When you put that you rarely see his family-do you mean his parents?

I would have thought that would be more reason to stick to what you wanted to call them in the first place tbh, as it's not as if you would be facing daily digs from them about the name.

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/07/2013 15:22

OP I'm so sorry you were left in the hospital like that honestly this situation is so sad you must be so disapointed in your dh I hope you can get past this but for now focus on the babies not all this drama. Now your decision is made tell them all you're not willing to discuss it any further

OxfordBags · 21/07/2013 15:23

OP, so what he is telling you is that even in your own home, he will allow his family to call your son what THEY want. That's already backtracking. He's already showing you that any illusion of agency you have in this matter is a lie to him, that your wants,needs and rights don't count.

He is putting them above you. At probably the most vulnerable you have ever been as an adult, he is letting you know that you are so low down in his pecking order that you're barely on it at all.

There is a saying: people tell you who they are. Your OH is telling you that you, your health, your rights, you as a mother, are not respected by him, and that his own wider family are more important than you and will always be so. This is no longer about a name, this is about him revealing his true colours. And they are pretty shit.

And it also shows a complete lack of concern and respect for your children - showing your DDs they are inferior and irrelevant now that The Don is here, and that their very identities matter less to him than arselicking his own mummy and daddy. He will allow your son to be confused and to have his own identity disrespected to give himself an easy life? What aprince amongst men. Because if the family don't see him that often, so Ds does get used to his real name, not Yiorgos, then it is going to really upset and confuse him that his parents allow people, even if they are family, to not call him by his own name. That is CRUEL. And your OH will be making you collude in hurting your own child. That's not compromise, that's a sacrifice of a child's rights and dignity.

OxfordBags · 21/07/2013 15:24

The Son, not The Don, sorry.

CylonNumber6 · 21/07/2013 15:40

Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear what your husband did to you in the hospital.

I really hope you can move past this.

If you don't see them that often then maybe it is a workable compromise.

I think the best thing you can.do now is to try and resolve the issue with your husband and move forward.

Best of luck Xx

JackNoneReacher · 21/07/2013 15:41

Oxfordbags harsh but true.

This isn't just about a name but a reflection of something much deeper.

What inertia said - so true.

Your husband is now going back on this because it's easier to bully his vulnerable, exhausted, birth-traumatised wife than it is to stand up to his family

I think this is the crux of it. You will have to demonstrate this is not the case. (sad but true, last think you need at the moment)

Very weak of him. No respect for this behaviour at all. He should be stepping up to his family and showing them that his allegiance is to you and to honouring the agreement between the two of you.

Inertia · 21/07/2013 15:44

Orangebee, you've hit the nail on the head. Your son's name is a big deal, but the most shocking aspect of this is the appalling way your husband has treated you. You were shattered and needed your husband to care for you and your children - instead he saw his arse and left you alone and overwhelmed because you wouldn't capitulate to his family's demands. You're doing well to just be irritated, because I don't think I could ever forgive that.

OxfordBags - spot on again.

rabbitlady · 21/07/2013 15:46

So you can name your son what you want, but no one will really call him it?

you are being so ignorant - as in lacking understanding.
many many people have 'passport names' and different names by which they are known. some asian families have 'indoor' and 'outdoor' names, many Londoners have their official names but are known by another, it was commonplace in Lancashire two generations ago - the first Anne would be Anne, the second 'lil annie' (no matter how old) another Queenie and so on.
it really is pointless making a fuss about this. name the child properly according to tradition and give him another name to use day to day. not odd, just normal.

ZolaBuddleia · 21/07/2013 15:50

If the FIL is aware of what's going on here, and we have to assume he is given that some of the family are mocking him, I'd say he is also coming out of this very badly. He should be putting a stop to this bullying on his behalf and telling OP he would be delighted with a middle name tribute. Otherwise he is as nasty and misogynistic as the rest of this sorry family.

Boomba · 21/07/2013 15:50

this is bonkers

JackNoneReacher · 21/07/2013 15:53

name the child properly according to tradition

Rabbitlady Just wondered if you read the bit where the OP and her DH agreed before marriage that they wouldn't be naming the baby according to tradition. Or the bit where they chose a name together that they liked.

If so do you actually think this should all be forgotten and the baby named according to the wishes of the FIL?

DollyTwat · 21/07/2013 16:01

What other traditions are to come op?

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