When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

Gosh OP, that's all very one sided. So, the only people who call him his real name in your house are you and your DH when nobody else is there?

I'd want it to be the other way round, Yiorgis is only used as the first name at the christening (are you atheist?)

In all other circumstances including legal registration, passport etc you must have the right name first, and your husband should only ever use the name you (both) chose, in your house, in the village, wherever. I bet he'll crumble and call him Yiorgis whenever you're not there.

that's no compromise at all. I could see calling him Bob yiorgos as long as there's a christening and in that he's yiorgis bob. that's a compromise. but the entire his family will calk him yiorgos including in your house bit - no. what is the point then in naming him bob at all?

apologies for spelling and making up a first name?

I think you have to face the fact that this compromise will end up with him being called the name you don't want. If you really don't want this to happen- then I would make a stand now. I am sensitive to my husband's cultural traditions, don't pick fights over most of them, but the ones I really disagree with (ear piercing for girls) I don't do. If this is that one for you, I would make a stand now. You are in Greece, if everyone there and your own husband calls him Yiorgos, that will be his name (though as a mum you often use pet names).

Christening is another issue entirely, I was fine to have mine christened on the basis that it was very meaningful for my husband for religious reasons (not just for show). Again- is this a bottom-line issue for you?

If I had a son (unlikely now) I would call him by the grandfather's name but would pick an English compatible spelling as it would mean an immense amount to him. If you do not feel like that about it or really hate the name with a vengeance, make this the thing you stand up for yourself over. But you can't do that with everything and I agree it is harder for you as you are living there and are quite isolated.

So sorry OP, but the proposed 'compromise' has set such alarm bells ringing for me . Your husband is riding rough-shod over things that are important to you. First the name, now christenings - what will be next? You're fairly isolated over there, and he has all his family behind him - so what next? Having 'won', I would think they will be emboldened to override your wishes on anything they damned well please in the future - schools, attire, diet, discipline - they will all be subject to 'family approval'. Sorry to be such a doom-monger, but I just cannot see this child-naming in isolation, it will just sit within the larger expanse of family traditions that you will be forced expected to adhere to . Any agreements you have with your husband will be subject to change if his parents/sister/fourth cousin deem it so.

If everyone around him except you calls him Yiorgos, then surely your son will regard himself as Yiorgos and whatever you call him as just a pet name? How would you feel about that?

It is entirely reasonable to want your wishes to be respected, but I fear that it is just not going to happen here, with this husband's family. I am so sorry.

TimeOfChange,I haven't read this thread as being critical of the OP. Of her DH,maybe... It is a difficult situation,and it seems sad to me that it is a situation the OP had considered,discussed with her DH and that she'd thought was sorted,only to discover that it wasn't.

The lesson from this for me is that you can agree prechildren what you will do about names,family,upbringing etc but once the children are born all bets are off,particularly if "culture" is involved.

OP,I really hope you find a solution that will leave everyone happy in the longterm,and also that you can get on with enjoying your family.

That doesn't sound like a compromise at all, OP. If you go along with it your child will be known as Yiorgos, which is what you don't want.

Basically he will be called Yiorgos and you have the concession that you can call him by his second name! Where is the compromise?
It also means you haven't even got that when he is older because when talking to teachers, friends etc you will be forced to explain that you are talking about 'Yiorgos'.

That isn't a compromise.

It's your husband and his family bullying you.

I suggest you think again. Basically your son is going to have the name...except on one tiny bit of paper that won't be referred to again. He's going to have the other name in your house? Except...it won't be used by your inlaws, it won't be used by your husband, and everywhere he goes your child is going to be referred to as Yiorgios.

It goes without saying that when you aren't there, your inlaws (and probably your cowardly, deceitful, disloyal little shit of a husband) will be coaching your boy to answer to Yiorgios, telling him that's his real name.

I give it two years before the name you want is never, ever used and your son doesn't even recognise it.

It's also the perfect tool for constant low level acrimony. You call son 'xxx' at family party. MIL interjects - 'Yes, do as your mother says YIORGIOS'. You - 'come on xxxx, come over here.' 'YIORGIOS is just talking to ME at the moment' continues FIL.

I wouldn't even go there.

And as for the christening!!! - no! You don't want it!

These. Are. Your. Children.

You are an adult, married with children. Since when did parents tell us what to do at this stage of our lives?

I have been following this thread from the beginning, and I don't think its a compromise either, its capitulation. Your H and his family are bullying you so that they get what they want.

I'm sorry OP but that is not a compromise. The only one I would consider agreeing to is number 1.

This isn't a compromise, OP, this is you having to capitulate because you're not being respected enough to be allowed any other option. The only compromise being made here is that you're being allowed to delude yourself it's a compromise that you've played some part in, instead of just being bullied outright and told that you have no choice.

You don't want your son being called Yiorgos; everyone is going to call him that. You don't want your DC to be christened; they're going to be christened. You know - you MUST know - that everyone, probably including your DH, is going to call him Yiorgos including in your own home. They will say that they've forgotten that he is not to be called that in one specific place when he is called that by everyone, everywhere else (which is actually logical and reasonable). You will look like a weirdo, a troublemaker, maybe even a mother unable to accept her son, seeing ad you now have 2 DDs, when you call him a name that no-one else calls him. It will probably hurt and upset him to have you call him a name that no-one else calls him. He will probably feel rejected and confused. And because you are acquiescing to this blackmailing and sexism, the way he will be brought up means he won't ever understand why you do it.

Do you know who I actually feel most sorry for? Your DDs. One of them only a few days old, they are both being taught from before they are even aware of it that they matter less than their brother - less than all men, in fact.

This is not culture, this is putting you in your place; at the bottom of the pecking order. This is misogyny. There are ways of working round cultural differences thatmeans everyone is happy. If they cared about you, if they believed you were a person with equal rights to them, this would be happening. And it's not.

OP if you're ok with the compromise then do it because you want to.
Whatever you do try and do it quickly I want you to be able to enjoy your babies not worry about fall outs and arguments

So you can name your son what you want, but no one will really call him it?

Fuck that!

I agree with Claim.

Oh OP this is a sorry sort of 'compromise'.

You've been brow beaten into accepting this as a happy medium when it's clearly anything but. Two years from now the name you call him will be all but relegated.

I'm so sorry and furious on your behalf that you've been bullied like this at such a vulnerable time. Your husband needs to grow a spine and cut the apron strings. You must be viewing him in a very different light.

I personally would not concede to the offer that is on the table.

Hope both your babies are doing well and that the in laws are taking as much interest in your DD as they do is DS.

I second exactly what Talkative Jim said. This isn't a compromise- it's you being bullied until you give in.

Your son has the name that you and your husband chose. That is his name. You are willing to give him your FIL's name as a middle name and last name- you carried your son for 9 months, you gave birth to him; as the parents you get to choose the name he will be known by. If the family and village don't want to call your child by the name his parents both agreed to give him then that's their tough luck.

Christening- again, your husband is going back on what you agreed. Don't make any agreements about whether you christen anybody at this point.

You entered into this marriage based on agreements made with your husband. Your husband is now going back on this because it's easier to bully his vulnerable, exhausted, birth-traumatised wife than it is to stand up to his family and say " My priority is my wife and children, this is what we have agreed for our family so please respect us and our parenting decisions". It's easier for your husband to force you into bending to the will of his family while you feel isolated. Frankly, never mind him losing respect for you- I'd have zero respect for someone who manages to be such a wife-bullying shit and a snivelling weakling at the same time.

OxfordBags put it much more politely than me , but is absolutely right- this is downright misogyny.

Have the rest of the family even noticed that you've given birth to daughters?

I agree with everything TalkativeJim and Inertia have said .

I agree with Clam , it all just sounds crazy to me

Hope you are OK OP , this too shall pass

All his relatives and everyone in his GP' s village calling him Yiorgos? Basically your compromise is all about saving face for his parents and pretending the name you've given him doesn't actually exist.

If you're going to do that then there is no way I'd agree to a christening. That was another thing you didn't want or believe in and now you have to do it too?

I agree with the others that it is not a compromise. You know that it's going to be a matter of time before you husband calls him Yiorgos all the time, not just when he's talking to his family.

Sounds like bullying to me.

You need to know exactly what you want here because it seems that your husband doesn't want a compromise, not really. He's given in to family pressure and is trying to find ways to go around your name choice.

Good luck OP, it's such an awful position to be in.

By the way why is your baby girl still referred to as 'the girl'? Has your husband gone back on the name choice for her as well?

orangebee you are doing your best to find a way to move forward and meet everyone's wishes.

You need to sit back for a while and think about what you will feel like in a couple of years time or more. At that point it probably won't bother you that your DC were christened. However, the name your son is accustomed to could be an issue.

You know the structure of your family life and how much influence your in-laws will have.

If you are prepared to take a risk on your son being called Yiorgos by everyone and you think you'll get used to the idea if it happens you would probably be doing the right thing by going with the compromise.

If you think this is going to drag the matter into a battle which goes on for years, making you uptight whenever you hear the name Yiorgos and affecting your future relationships you probably need to stick to your guns now ensure that Yiorgos isn't available for anyone to use.

Only you can really guess what your feelings are likely to be in the future and whether the resentment is going to cause problems.

This isn't about who is winning the battle. The decision you need to make is about supporting positive family relationships in the future. A compromise may feel less painful right now but the pain and the conflict may go on in a more insidious manner for a very long time.

Good luck with this. I really hope it will not spoil the memories you have of your DTs' first few weeks.

I seem to have done a complete turnaround here from my original posts but you will have to stand your ground or it will only get worse.
Think down the line and you need to phone the school to tell them your child is ill - you give the name, they are confused and so you are forced to tell them Yiorgos is ill.
I wouldn't have them Christened either- it isn't something you can take lightly, there will be promises. I would think it is something for them to decide for themselves when older.

Clam: four different people have said leave.

I think I would go and register the names you want now, before you find your husband had already done it