When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

"you are being so ignorant - as in lacking understanding."

Thanks for that!

Yes, I know some people have "official" names & some choose to be known by their middle name.

But in this case, some relatives would be choosing to call the boy by his middle name-even though the mother doesn't want that & both parents had already agreed on a name that they both liked & wished the child to be called by.

it is not the bucking of tradition that is the real issue here it is the way OP's husband allowed her to be bullied by his family at her most vulnerable and went back on his word.....in a word, what a malaka....
announcing the names on fb might have been a bit tactless tbh.
hope you are OK OP

Name the child according to tradition?

How come the DH's tradition is more important the the OP's cultural tradition of picking the name themselves?

If that is the tradition in his culture then my opinion would be you should go along with it. And your DH has every much as right say in the naming of the child as you have. And it's obviously extremely important to him to follow his culture. Did you not realise this before you got married.

ViviennemarySun 21-Jul-13 16:09:50

If that is the tradition in his culture then my opinion would be you should go along with it. And your DH has every much as right say in the naming of the child as you have. And it's obviously extremely important to him to follow his culture. Did you not realise this before you got married.

read the damm thread

OP talked about it before marrying this guy and said before hand she would Never use the name.

VivienneMary

The OP has already said it was agreed before they even got married that they would not follow this particular tradition.

Hi Fives Alis

VivienneMary perhaps it would be helpful to you if you read the OP's posts.

Rabbitlady- that's all fine and dandy when both parents agree to follow those customs.

In this case, the OP and her husband had already agreed and chosen names before the family stuck their oars in. The OP agreed to marry her husband specifically on the condition that they did not adhere to this custom. In this case it appears that you are being ignorant , as you seem to lack understanding of what the OP has already said about the agreement they had.

It really isn't pointless to expect to be able to give your child the name that you and your husband agreed on. It most certainly isn't pointless, or making a fuss, to expect some compassion towards a new mother who is still recovering from the births.

Any custom or tradition that dictates that adherents of the custom get to bully and ride roughshod over the wishes and needs of a vulnerable, exhausted new mother can take a hike as far as I'm concerned.

Cross posted with somebody else who hasn't read the thread

Congratulations on the birth of your twins OP. you're in a horrible position and its just so wrong that this time is being ruined by this. I think though that the compromise will just confuse your little boy in the years to come. I wouldn't want to have to explain to him when he's a little older why he has two names. What if he has a preference towards either and has to be stuck with the one he doesn't like at times. I agree with the other posters who are encouraging you to chose one name and have the fight about it now rather than in years to come. Good luck.

I would flatly refuse to name my child because of tradition, especially since you had already chosen names !

I'd compromise possibly on a middle name but no way for a first name. These are YOUR children so it's down you and your DH to decide the names.

I don't think he will grow up confused. I have always had a Greek name and an English name. Some people call me by my English name, others by my Greek name. It has always been that way and its not confusing at all.

The only thing that changed was as I grew older, I realised that I prefer my Greek name and started using it whenever I met new people. My mother never liked my grandmothers name so used an English version of it.

The difference being that my mother was aware of the tradition before she married and had children with my father. I think your husband has been terribly unfair and going back on his word is not right.

It probably is difficult for the grandfather as he is an elderly gentleman from a small village who may not understand why someone would want to break a strong tradition that has been around for centuries. However, it was up to your husband to explain this to him and the reason why. Plenty of Greeks do not follow this tradition any longer but it is still very prevalent in smaller village communities.

Are the children to be baptised? They are traditionally known as 'baby' until they are baptised. Hopefully they are not just doing that out of spite!

God what a nightmare, there is no way I could go along with this tradition and you and your dh had an agreement that you wouldn't be following this tradition, he should have sorted this with his family before now!

And for those telling the op to compromise, she is living in Greece, so away from her family and presumably she may have left friends or even a job to live there, which is already a massive compromise on her part, one that she is presumably happy with. The least her dh can do is to keep the promise he made re their child's name.

Op the christenings had this been discussed before? How old is your elder dd? Were there no issues over names and christening when she was born? Or is this all about your newborn son?

Fwiw my mil would like my dp and I to be married and the children to be christened, its not happening and I think its been accepted, there were grumbles but never anything more than that.

Oh I forget she did ignore my children's surname, its double barreked and she dropped my surname just giving them dp's, the children corrected her themselves as soon as they were old enough!

Ffs, do people actually know what misogyny means?

The name tradition is a nice one. People the world over (including several I know in person and others on this thread) get along just fine with two names. Cripes, many actually like that connection with their forbears - as the OP's son probably will.

Re christenings - I wouldn't be thrilled, being an atheist. However as an atheist to me the religious aspect holds no power, so better it's got over and done with when the babies haven't a clue what's going on. People like ceremonies and rites of passage - that's why even heathens like me get married and have funerals. I hope I'd be able to see it that way in the OP's shoes (but appreciate that I'm not).

'The name tradition is a nice one.'

Oh yes isn't it 'nice' that the OP is being bullied into agreeing to giving her child a name she dislikes. Isn't is 'nice' that her husband has gone back on his word. Isn't it 'nice' that he's told her he'll lose respect for her unless she bends to his family's wishes.

How 'nice'.

I think it has got the point where people are joining and haven't bothered to read the whole thing. It is the updates that have made me change my mind.

Sorry to repeat myself but OP why is your daughter still referred to as 'the girl'?

Has your husband refused to name her the agreed name out of spite?

This is getting worse and worse with every post, orangebee. The situation is horrible for you.

He knew you wouldn't follow that tradition before you were even married.
He agreed names which you both like before the boy was born.

How can he go back on it like that? And let you be bullied by his family when you've only just given birth?

It is all such a betrayal. I would find it really hard to trust anything he said again.

I thought as you did rabbitlady- passport name and one for everyday was fine. But that is not how the 'compromise' has worked out!

OP this is a very important practical point (which was true in 2011 when I registered our DD so I assume has not changed):

The registration of birth in Greece does NOT include a name. The baby is registered as Baby Surname (the surname will be the one you chose your future children to have at your marriage, so either yours or your DH's surname).

Then you can register the actual name in one of two ways:

• either at the Baptism. This is a completely legal document and if the name Yiorgos is first that will be his first name in all legal documents.
• or by a name giving document that is used relatively rarely (as most Greeks are Christian Orthodox and go in for baptisms).

We are atheists and needed a passport so we used the name giving document service right after the birth.

Beware of another possible problem there: for this document you will need to spell the name in normal Greek characters. When you eventually apply for passports for your children the conversion to Latin characters will be done automatically and you won't get to chose the Latin spellings. This can be a disaster for some name, e.g. our daughter's name would have been spelt "Lili Sarlot" and not "Lily Charlotte" as we wanted (in a time honoured Greek tradition we got over this hurdle by knowing someone who re-did all the documents but it was very difficult).

Best of luck with the horror that is Greece!

We were the first parents in several generations to not continue a family name for our DS.
Point of principle. Stick by your guns.

I think that your dh's behaviour is really out of order. Please show him this thread. It is HIS fault you are in this situation.
As for him telling you it is his house too - he doesn't get it.

Make sure your name is spelt the English way on his documents (what Boo said) otherwise there is always going to be confusion when he travels abroad or lives abroad. Official places like banks etc take spellings from passports.

I don't understand some of these replies about the OP being bullied and brow- beaten
She wanted to chose maiden name and GFs name as middle name... which is what she has got!
Does it really matter what the ILs call him, they live in Greece how often will they be visiting.In any case GPs often have pet names for their grandkids.My DF calls one of my DDS 'Mrs Milligan' (our name isn;t milligan)for some bizarre reason, it is their little joke.
As for the christening though I would insist that the baptism certificate matches the birth certificate incase he applies to a faith school later on!Just explain this to the DH and ILs so they see you have a reason and not just being arsey

xylem8 in Greece the birth certificate does not include a first name, the Baptism certificate is the official naming document (one of the two possible ones). Once this is done that is the name that will be used for an ID (later on), passport and all official documents. Which is why I am worried about OP's DH's suggestion that they put in a different name for the Baptism - that option is not available in Greece (unless something has changed drastically in the last two years).