When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

^^my phone makes up its own words grr

A friend is married to a Turk, living in Turkey. Apparently they mostly don't have middle names, just the one name, but when they do have middle names, it's the middle name that's used. So when my friend named her son with two names, she was initially confused about why some people consistently referred to him by his middle name. But that's why.

Is there a small chance that it's the same in Greece? So you could use the Grandad's name in the first position, but actually call your son by your chosen 'middle' name?

I also don't think 'vile' and 'bullying' are necessarily true here. Imagine another perspective - can't think of a good one - but let's say that when your son is an adult, he decides to join one of those religions where polygamy is acceptable. And then begins marrying a stream of ladies. Would you be totally accepting of that? Or would you find it difficult to stomach simply because it's not your own tradition, or the culture into which you have been conditioned?

Not a good example, but I do think you need to find a compromise here, particularly since you live in Greece and your son's future would appear to be there.

The in-laws behaviour has caused the OP so much stress that her milk production has halted. I'd say that's more likely to be the result of bullying behaviour than reasonable, well thought out disagreement.

Has the OP explained why she has such an issue with following the tradition?

If the custom here was that grandchildren were named after their maternal grandparents and that naming them after their paternal grandparents was going to upset the English family then I can understand - but otherwise I really, really don't.

And bloody hell what new kind of twattery it is suggesting a post partum woman breaks up a family over a bloody name? I know the Baby Name board gets quite heated but purlease - this is ridiculous (and from my feminist perspective pretty un-bloody feminist).

OP, I wish you luck. We all have to make compromises - in your shoes that's exactly what I'd do.

Umm, nork, because they live in the husband's country. Also, the husband's family has a strong tradition of naming, where the OP's family doesn't.

I am from another anglophone country, but live in the UK. My children have dual nationality, but I think that if you asked them, they would not feel strongly that they were my nationality. If we all lived in my country, I think they would feel more strongly that they belonged there.

I think the OP has rejected compromises, like giving the grandfather's name, but using her choice as a middle name. She needs to be a bit more sensitive to other people's feelings, I think.

I don't like the husband's statement about losing respect for her, but I can see why he said it. Would I lose respect for someone who cared so little about other people's strong feelings? I think I would.

I am astounded that people are saying she married him & lives in his country & should "suck it up".

I thought that we lived in the 21st century!

But the OP has already compromised by agreeing the use of the name as a middle name.

It's a name! It's important. She should be able to veto it even if she just doesn't like it.

"She needs to be a bit more sensitive to other people's feelings, I think.

I don't like the husband's statement about losing respect for her, but I can see why he said it. Would I lose respect for someone who cared so little about other people's strong feelings? I think I would."

OMFG.

Why, in a marriage of two cultures, is it always the woman who has chosen to marry into the man's culture? Why is it never the man who has married into the woman's culture and should respect it?

In this case because OP has gone to live in his country.

Op I hope you are ok and I wish you well.

The OP and her DH had an agreement.

He should stick to it.

Diddl: In Greece in the 21stC, there are family traditions to naming babies.

What is so terrible about that?

Nothing terrible if it's what both parents want.

This is tricky, it sounds like your husband, the Greek not you, wasn't even aware of the tradition or assumed he could "get away with it" in which case it doesn't sound like it is an important tradition to him or in his family.

However in a Greek family, it is really important. My Uncle (silently) has never got over the fact that his daughter didn't name after him. In fact to him it is a little embarrassing amongst his friends and family as it's deemed a bit of a slight. It really isn't a myth that there are so many Peter's and George's around, it's due to hand down names.

I know a lot of people (on here) will poo poo the idea of tradition and shout for doing what you want, to suit you and fuck them all. It's got to be what you're comfy with, it's not your culture/tradition but it is your husband's and the child is his too. I must say though I would be a bit galled by his backtracking, fine if he had said it from the beginning.

For what it's worth, I followed tradition. 1st born was after maternal grandmother (loved the name thankfully) and if our second had been a boy would have been after paternal grandfather (didn't really like it for a baby in 2012 but I would have done it and known that within days the name would just be the perfect one for baby as always happen..... Had a girl phew!

Exactly. She was obviously aware of the tradition and was upfront about it. HER HUSBAND AGREED!

Quite frankly it sounds to me that he agreed to 'lock the marriage down' but as soon as the reality of the situation hit he immediately sided with his family.

For those of you who say it's not a patriarchal thing and the tradition also applies to granddaughters/grandmothers, how come there wasn't an issue about girl names when the OP and her husband discussed the situation?

And for those who say 'it's a name, suck it up'. How would you like it if having decided jointly with your partner what to call your baby you were then told he had to be given a name you didn't like and which incidentally will be difficult to pronounce/spell whenever he visits his maternal country?

I have a name that is unpronounceable in any language but mine. When my children were conceived the one condition I had for name choosing was that they would have names that existed in both languages.

I would lose respect for someone who dug their heels in so extraordinarily. That applies to all involved, tbh.

We have a family naming tradition,

That you get to name your baby any name that you want.

funnily enough if you don't get to name your own baby, you will never get to name a baby,

Maybe OP should compromise by using names from her family??

When girls are named after the GM-which GM is that?

OP what name would you choose then ?

I just wondered if would be an English name and how that would be for your son living in Greece ?

Presumably to have actually stipulated before agreeing to marry him that you wouldnt follow the naming tradition you knew what a big deal this would be ? Did his family know about it straight from the off too ?

I really really feel for you and I hope things can get resolved soon so you can just start to enjoy your lovely twin babies. What a shame the focus isnt on the wonder of twins instead of all this

For those of you who say it's not a patriarchal thing and the tradition also applies to granddaughters/grandmothers, how come there wasn't an issue about girl names when the OP and her husband discussed the situation?

Because it is a first born thing. However it appears OP already has a child and named them presumably what she wanted and maybe the Father had second thoughts afterwards and regretted not going with tradition afterwards.

I agree with coming.

It is a shame that the emphasis is on this name problem rather than the joy of the babies.

I would think acquiescing is the best option, as Op will need the support of DHs family in the coming months and years.

I'm amazed that it has been left right up to the actually birth of a boy until this was brought up with the grandparents. If it was discussed before marriage then, I'm assuming, the op and her husband knew this was going to be a contentious issue, so why oh why did neither of them warn the grandparents that, should they have a male child in the future, they would not be following the traditional Greek naming of the child. This would have given everyone plenty of time to get used to it and the op wouldn't be going through such a hard time now.

Thats what I wondered too