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Original poster

When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

556 replies

orangebee1 · 19/07/2013 12:13

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

OP posts:
takeaway2 · 21/07/2013 08:35

From the inlaws pov they are probably wondering why their DIL isn't respecting them? It's full well saying they are not respecting her and her wishes but what about their wishes and traditions? You can't just say 'not all Greeks do this so it's just inconvenient that her inlaws do!'

In some cultures the naming thing is one of their ways of keeping the family tree intact through generational names or through traditional names. It's not on really to say 'why doesn't sil then name her own child the fils name' because the sil will have her husband's family names to contend with.

Whether this is an issue about feminism or not is a separate issue. Fwiw my children have two middle names. The first name is a name we both chose, the first middle name belongs to dh's granny (dd) and another name we liked (DS), second middle name is their other culture name. At the language school, my DS is known by his other name.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 21/07/2013 08:36

Has the plan always been to stay in Greece permanently, OP?

TimeofChange · 21/07/2013 08:37

Diddl: Yes indeed, but she was not forced to marry her Greek husband, nor forced to live in Greece with him.

By choosing to marry into a different culture and live in that country you are by default, choosing those traditions.

The issue is a name.
Op even likes the grandad who the baby would be named after.
Op says it would be like a slap in the face with a fish for the old man if the baby does not have his name.

The issue is not genital mutilation or anything life threatening.
It is a name.

ZolaBuddleia · 21/07/2013 08:38

Your husband is probably being told he's not a man for letting you act this way.

This is exactly why the whole situation would be unacceptable to many women.

diddl · 21/07/2013 08:41

So she should just put up with using a name she doesn't want to?

It's 2013 & OP is not from their culture.

Maybe OP's ILs need to respect her also & realise that their way isn't the only way.

It's only a slap in the face/big deal if they let it be.

And for the fact that some have already been mocking the old man-& they think that they & their traditions should be respected??!!

bruffin · 21/07/2013 08:46

YOu do know this is not a man thing, it's the same for girls and grandmothers, as I said above I was named after my grandmother, but anglicized

WidowWadman · 21/07/2013 08:46

To those who suggest that she should pack the kids and go back to the UK - that actually would be child abduction - a parent must not take the children out of the country without the other parents' consent.
Some people erroneously believe that mothers have more rights than the father, but I doubt that a court would look kindly on her abducting the children.

I also don't think that the father is necessarily a prat - the poor sod is stuck between a rock and a hard place, either upsetting his wife or his family and quite likely both.

TimeofChange · 21/07/2013 08:50

It is 2013 and OP has chosen to join their culture and live in their culture.

She may be making her future life in Greece difficult by not respecting their culture.
She may need to do this for herself and not for them.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 21/07/2013 08:59

Understanding a little more why women put up with being second-class citizens for century after century after century.

It really is a hell of a lot easier just to not rock the boat, put up and shut up, right....?

Hmm
bruffin · 21/07/2013 09:05

Understanding a little more why women put up with being second-class citizens for century after century after century.
What on earth is this to do with women. It could easily be the reverse a mother wanting to name her child culturally and the father wanting something different. What would posters say then.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 21/07/2013 09:07

Funnily enough, it's not though, is it? It's a husband and his father. Both from a very patriarchal country.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 21/07/2013 09:08

I'm referring to the influx of recent posters to thread, urging the OP to just accept it. Not the bulk of sensible replies earlier on.

TimeofChange · 21/07/2013 09:11

Don: It's not about feminism.

As I keep saying OP has chosen, by marrying him and living in his country, to join his culture.

We're not talking about being beaten up, we are talking about a name.
One of them will have to back down.

So you think if OP backs down, she becomes a second class citizen?
So if DH backs down does that make him a second class citizen too?

bruffin · 21/07/2013 09:11

As i said the same would happen if it was a girl first born.

cantreachmytoes · 21/07/2013 09:13

My DH and I are from different cultures. We live in a third country. He has a bigger family than me. When members of his family visit, there is very much the implication that the way THEY do things in THEIR country is normal. I just am a bit "different". They are really lovely, but when I was recently ill and some came to help, it was truly awful to feel that what I needed/wanted wasn't "right" and I've never ft so isolated in my life.

OP I can only begin to imagine how you feel right now.

The last thing you may feel like doing is fighting, but your DH needs to figure out who he's married to: you or his family.

I think you should also tell his family that you have no idea why there is all this fuss as you had agreed prior to marriage that you wouldn't follow Greek OR UK naming traditions (for diplomacy) and the names were decided before the birth. You are worried about the health of the twins with all this fighting and would love their GPs to love them for being wonderful babies, not for their names.

And as for DH, I understand how he can cave to his family's pressure, but that doesn't make it right. And what he said, given the circumstances, is unforgivable. He needs to be in awe of you and what you've just done: when his body grows, takes care of and then delivers life, then he can cave to family pressure. In the meantime, he needs to behave life a responsible, respectable partner in life.

Good luck, good luck, good luck.

RaisingChaotic · 21/07/2013 09:15

It's not their traditions that are making them nasty, vile bullies, it's their behaviour and attitude.

alemci · 21/07/2013 09:16

I think it is a bit more difficult for the poster if she is living abroad. she does need to tread carefully. I didn't realise this when the thread was started

If she was in the UK it would be alot easier

RaisingChaotic · 21/07/2013 09:19

The OP has her own culture which needs to be respected.

The OP's DH agreed to not naming his son after his father so it's not a case of him backing down it's a case of him sticking to what he's already agreed to.

cantreachmytoes · 21/07/2013 09:19

Oh and living in his culture does NOT mean that OP has given up her culture!

If they moved to the UK, would get DH cease being Greek? If they moved to Spain, would they become Spanish - I think the number of British bars areas of Spain popular with Brits is testament to just how much we DON'T lost our culture when we leave our country's borders.

OP has UK culture and has added some Greek. Her DH (and to a lesser extent his family) have their Greek culture and have added UK to the mix. The children are not Greek. The children are Greek-British, or British-Greek.

OP is not a Greek woman wanting to do something different, she's British and they want her to accept them in direct proportion to how much they want to ignore her culture (never mind wishes).

QuintessentialOldDear · 21/07/2013 09:20

Did you not think about any of these things when you decided to marry a Greek man and live in Greece?

It is always hard when you settle in a new country and want to do things your way rather than integrate and do it the way it is done in your new homeland.

We see this in Britain too, "forriners" refusing to adapt and do it "like we do here". Hmm And all the issues related to that.

People just cant seem to be open minded and accepting of all our little and big differences.

kooksi · 21/07/2013 09:25

Yes she did Quin :/

WidowWadman · 21/07/2013 09:29

cantreach - if it was UK culture to never give a child his grandfather's name under any circumstances you may have more of a point.

RaisingChaotic · 21/07/2013 09:33

Did you not think about any of these things when you decided to marry a Greek man and live in Greece?

One of the conditions of marriage was that they wouldn't name any son they had after the grandfather.

bumpsnowjustplump · 21/07/2013 09:34

All those saying she chose to marry into a Greek family and live in freeze so should just lump it.. She married a greekman ON THE CONDITION this particular tradition was not followed. She was open and honest and her husband agreed. So she was lied to and ultimately deceived and now she is isolated and vulnerable the husband has denigrated on the agreement..... This is what is bullying and vile..

karinmaria · 21/07/2013 09:36

Quint - the OP has said in previous posts that she had the names discussion with her DH before they were married. Her DH agreed that they would call any son they may have a name they chose together.

Her DH has now gone back on that agreement following a big row from his parents and sister after announcing the babies' chosen names.

This situation has stressed the OP so much her milk has not come in properly as the row started before she was even home from hospital and the twins were still in intensive care!

OP for what it's worth YANBU. Yes it's a tradition but your DH already agreed with you. Why on earth he feels its ok to change his mind, and make you feel guilty about your previous agreement, I cannot understand.