When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

Fucking hell. He would lose some respect for you, if you don't kowtow to him and his Dad...??!!

Sorry, but this sort of thing makes me incandescent with rage. I AM a feminist and proudly so, and that just yanks all my chains.

That is SUCH a telling thing for your 'D'H to say. Red flags waving all over the place. He needs to apologise for that, retract it and cop onto himself quick smart.

STAND YOUR GROUND. For the love of God, stand your ground. They CANNOT bully you into allowing them to choose your son's name. YOU are the mother. I am horrified by this!

AND your husband needs a kick up the arse for his behaviour. I would be telling him to sort his attitude or I would be packing my bags. He owes you a MASSIVE apology.

There is a split of opinion on here.

You have chosen to marry a Greek and live in Greece, but object to his family wanting their son to continue Greek traditions.

Are you generally happy with your life in Greece with your DH and his family?

You have to live close to these people, his family, your DCs family.
You may not be quite so welcome there in the future.

Is this name issue really worth splitting up over?
If DH chooses to take your side he may split his family.
Is it worth it?
Would you leave your DH and move back to England over this?
Move back to be a single mum of three, just over a name.

Though of course, you can't move back until you have passports.

This should be such a joyful time for you all, but it sounds horrendous.

Best wishes to you all.

Another question: are you and DH financially independent or does he work in the family business?

I agree with TimeofChange.
There is such an easy compromise - the Greek name, your 2 choices. Call him by his second name. It is very common- lots of people do it.
Much the best compromise from the child's point of view- he may grow up to feel very Greek and want the Greek name. You can't know his view when older and this way he has the choice.

If you split the marriage and move back to England over a name he is unlikely to understand it when older - common sense would say 'have the compromise and both'.

To those suggesting Divorce and OP leaving her DH over this issue. With week old twin babies? Really?
It's an emotional time with OPs hormones all over the shop, plus the stress of looking after newborns in what must be considerable heat and in an adopted country/culture.
I'm no push over ( my own DH will testify to this ) but the OP is not in the Uk, she has chosen to marry and live in a country with its own traditions. Yes of course she and her new family will undoubtedly break/ change/ remould some those traditions but maybe the OPs husband is also feeling exhausted, emotional and overwhelmed in the face of his families expectations. This extended network of inlaws is not going to be popping in once a month for tea and babysitting twice a year. This is likely to be a far more intimate relationship. The OP is going to need to develop a more sophisticated set of managing measures than stand your ground you are the mother ... divorce him, threaten to leave etc . She will need to pick her battles carefully and not pitch her new family, husband ( the father of her babies who is equally as important) against the rest.
If she chooses to make this her big battle, one week after birth, lets help her find some way to achieve this calmly and with the balance she needs in her life right now.
As one Greek poster advised she has plenty of time.
So let's think, how else can she approach this if going the official name used name is not the answer?
Don't forget she's got 18 years of child rearing cultural and traditional differences to negotiate her way through. It's going to be a hell of a life if there is no give and take on both sides.
Now is George out of the question 100%?

OP, how do you feel about middle names in general? I think they're totally pointless, therefore in your situation I might have considered Yiorgis as the middle name.

However, they've been such absolute bastards about this, and your DH has been so weak (agree with OhMeGerd that he is probably feeling a bit wobbly too but his turn of phrase leaves lots to be desired) that I would in your position be disinclined to do this.

If there is no precedence in Greek bureaucracy for 'known as' names, then I would definitely not put Yiorgis as the first name with a plan to use his middle name.

I'd want to be out of Greece at the very first opportunity, but if that isn't an option could you move to somewhere more cosmopolitan?

Since they are such tiny babies how do we know that they are not going to feel really Greek in the future- especially if they are denied that part of their heritage?

I think if OP puts it as a middle name, the ILs will use it as his name.

Maybe OP doesn't want that at all for those who are saying-oh use it and so what if you call him something & ILs call him something else.

They should respect OP enough-& their son to let them call their own children what the bloody hell they want.

It's 2013-& not even a tradition that all Greeks still do.

What-are they pissed off that they didn't call their own kids what they wanted to & taking it out on OP?

They all sound so nasty & ignorant.

But they are the child's grandparents! Do you really want to start off by saying 'half your genes come from nasty, ignorant people ?!!
Why not be sensible and compromise?

Because you don't give in to vile, nasty bullies. It just leads to problems in future when they try again and again to walk all over you.

But the OP has already compromised (with the previous agreement of her dh) by using Yiorgos as the middle name. Moving it to be the first name is not a compromise it is a cave in. Why the bloody hell should she feel that she has no input into naming her own child? Sure it is important to acknowledge the Greek heritage of her son, and she has, but he is also half English and that heritage is every bit as important, perhaps more as she is not living in the UK.

There is no compromise with bullies, is there?

It's not as if it was agreed that they would do this & OP is backtracking.

How are you doing today op?

Diddl: No doubt the family think their son and DIL should show respect to the family, as is their tradition, and give the DS the family name.

They also no doubt think the OP is being nasty & ignorant by not showing respect to her DHs family.

Op is in Greece, married to a Greek and has given birth to children who will be brought up in Greece as Greeks.

Love was no doubt blind to posssible problems caused by cultural differences.

But maybe 'when in Rome' is the best option.

But it's not a tradition that everyone still follows.

So, babies have a Greek surname & are being brought up as Greeks.

So-where does their mums tradition get a look in?

They are not nasty, vile bullies.
They are trying to follow their traditions.

This is awful! Your husband is behaving like a complete arsehole. The time for discussion, debate and compromise was before you had jointly decided on names.

I have relatives known by their middle names and it does cause problems. Nothing insurmountable but it is a pain in the arse. Eg elderly confused aunt being called by the wrong name in hospital.

I think ywbu not to see this coming and warn the family in advance, but yanbu to call your son by the name you and DH chose for him.

Congratulations on your twins. Hope you can sort this out. If there's no hurry on registering, I would consider just leaving this for a while. You are in a vulnerable position and you need some space.

OP how do you feel about the female version of Yiorgos, Yeorgia (Georgia)? If you like that name, could it be a compromise option for your little girl?

Agree with Time of Change
Im half greek cypriot and have the anglicized version of my grandmothers name, but we never lived in Greece. The only thing my mum refused to compromise on was piercing my ears as a baby. If you dont understand the culture then its wrong to start shouting words like vile or bullying

No, they are trying to force someone else to follow their traditions.

you married a greek man and you live in Greece. You said "I also want to add that the grandfather has always been lovely to me, and i really do respect him, he is from a tiny village and 84 years old so it's a totally different mentality. I understand his pain, but i can't have MY wishes as the MOTHER dismissed in this archaic way."

Name days are very important in Greece and will be important to your child. His relationship with his Greek family will be important to him. I'm assuming he's the eldest grandchild and at 84 the grandfather may not live to see another grandson born. Even if he did the name marks the family's acceptance of your son's place as eldest grandson. So I think it was unreasonable of you to specify before you married that you wouldn't name an eldest grandson in the Greek fashion. Your husband is probably being told he's not a man for letting you act this way. Of course it's unreasonable for him to go back on a promise and not to support his wife in this but you are unreasonable to place him, and your son in future, in such a difficult position. You are putting your needs before your family. Of course if he's not the eldest then the arguments are less strong.

I think you should consider why this is so important to you and why you dislike the name so much when the grandfather has been lovely to you. If you lived in England you'd be acting reasonably but when in Rome do as the Romans do. It suggests there are other things you are unhappy about and a name is becoming a focus for that.

What did you name your first daughter and was she the eldest granddaughter?