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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel let-down by DDs support worker?

87 replies

StickyFloor · 19/07/2013 11:38

DD has a fulltime 1-2-1 support worker at school. She has been with her for 3 years and they are really close. The SW has been fabulous in every way, she goes above and beyond what is expected of her in the job and under her care DD has come on leaps and bounds.

So last week out of the blue she told me that she will no longer be DDs SW from September. A position came up in the school for a general classroom TA and she applied for and got it. She was crying as she told me saying it was the hardest decision of her life, she is worried she has let me and DD down and still doesn't know if she has done the right thing, but she is worried that when DD leaves she will not have a job so that is what she chose, for her future security. She said she knew how upset I and DD would be and she knows she will miss working with DD and is so confused and anxious, but thinks it is the right thing.

I was so shocked I didn't say an awful lot, I ended up half-consoling her. She wanted me to keep saying it was ok and I understood, and don't worry about it, but I didn't really feel like that.

To be frank, I am so SO disappointed in her. In every respect she has been wonderful and acted as though she cared so much for DD and now I think actually this was all about a paycheck for you, so now you have moved on to something more secure. It is 2 years away FFS, that is a really long time. DD has been distraught. I tried to explain it but all she keeps saying is that SW could have stayed but she decided she didn't want to. She feels hurt and rejected and is really down about it. She stays quiet at school SW sais she has been a bit quiet but seems fine, but at home she keeps on crying. She is putting on a brave face not to hurt SW feelings but also because I think she is a bit embarrassed, she used the word "dumped" to me and I know what she means.

We have a few days of school left still and I am really struggling. I can't laugh and gossip with her every morning and afternoon as usual, I can barely look her in the eye. She hasn't mentioned it since she broke the news, perhaps because she realises I am upset.

DH just says it is a good lesson for us that people involved in DDs care are just doing their job and nothing more. I guess I have been naïve in thinking that doing a job like that you would put the child first.

At the end of each term I always send her a note of thanks about all her efforts and picking out some of the wonderful things she has done. I don't think I can manage more next week than "thanks for everything, I wish you well in your new role".

AIBU to take this so personally?

OP posts:
Morgause · 19/07/2013 11:42

You are being very, very unreasonable.

Be grateful for the time she's given you FFS. She has a life to live and maybe DCs of her own to provide for.

HairyGrotter · 19/07/2013 11:43

YABVVVVU

It's her life!

hardboiledpossum · 19/07/2013 11:47

Yab completely u, I am a support worker and I care lots about the children I work with and you do build up a strong bond over time. But it is my job and if I get offered a better jobt with more money and more security then I will take it. My own family is my priority.

inneedofsomehelpplz · 19/07/2013 11:48

jeez yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvu - self centred or what?! my first ever Biscuit

NatashaBee · 19/07/2013 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yabyum · 19/07/2013 11:50

YABU. But I think you know that.

It really is just a job for her. What would have happened if you had moved house? Would you have taken her with you?

Please try to be more gracious and show your appreciation for all she has done. She sounds terrific, and you are being really unfair for guilt-tripping her like this.

FortFiesta · 19/07/2013 11:50

Yes YABU. Working with your DD is her job. She has decided to change her job.

IAmNotAMindReader · 19/07/2013 11:53

YABU social workers, support workers etc. Give their all and it does take an emotional toll on them that's why they usually move on, to prevent a breakdown. The child comes first to them yes, but they have more than one child on their books and the child can't come first at the expense of their own sanity and security and especially not at the expense of their own families.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/07/2013 11:54

Yabu and incredibly unfair. She has every right to go for a better secure job. It doesn't mean she doesn't care.

greensmoothiegoddess · 19/07/2013 11:54

YAB very very very U. I am actually quite cross on her behalf as she may well have picked up on your unreasonable vibes.

Time for you to eat a very large slice of humble pie.

shoofly · 19/07/2013 11:55

Yabu and surely you realise that?

MidniteScribbler · 19/07/2013 11:55

Yabvvvvvvu. She hasn't signed a life contract with you.

Did you ever pause and consider what would happen to her when your daughter moved on? No? Didn't think so.

Pawprint · 19/07/2013 11:55

I know you are upset - I don't blame you. It's understandable that you feel rejected and your dd feels the same but you must see that, logically, this isn't the case. The SW cares a lot for your dd but she has to keep working and keep her career going.

I remember when the SW for my sister left for another job and my mother took it very badly. She felt angry and let down. In the end, they talked about it and now the SW is still a friend of the family.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 19/07/2013 11:55

OP just an analogy I have an au pair she is absolutely wonderful with my children especially my eldest who has sen and she helps her with homework. She has agreed to stay on another year because we all get on so well. Would I be unreasonable expecting her to stay until my children are fully grown? We provide for her every need, we pay her ourselves twice what the going rate for au pairs is in our area, she acknowledges how kind we are to her all the time. Obviously it is incredibly unreasonable to expect someone to give up their life to care for our children that is our job. Like me be exceptionally grateful for the time you child is getting with her and thank her from the bottom of your heart when she finishes up. I can imagine your disappointment though.

inneedofsomehelpplz · 19/07/2013 11:56

does anyone else feel really sorry for the sw being made to feel like shit by the op? ffs send her a bunch of flowers on the last day.

im really hoping this is a reverse aibu as am gobsmacked at how selfish op is!

Original poster
StickyFloor · 19/07/2013 11:59

Fair enough, pretty unanimous then!

I am not guilt-tripping her at all. I hugged her when she was crying and told her it would be fine and DD would be fine, and have said nothing more about it since, and nor has she.

I think I am more angry with myself for thinking it was more than it was. Last year we had so many problems with the school that we looked into leaving and ironically the one and only reason we stayed put was so that DD would have continuity of care with her SW. SW knew all about this at the time and understood why we wanted to leave but why we took the decision to stay. It was the right decision at the time but know I am cross with myself.

As for being self-centred, of course I am, I have to fight my DDs corner every step of the way. You have all pointed out that SW is perfectly reasonable to be self-centred and protect her future, so I hope you can at least understand why I am feeling self-centred too.

OP posts:
chocnomore · 19/07/2013 11:59

YABVVVVU (and I have a child who has 1:1 support at school and understand how important it is to have a good 1:1 support for your DC).

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 19/07/2013 12:00

Yabtotallyu. I am also quite cross on the SW's behalf.

How self centred can one person be.

As for your dd, its sounds like you are encouraging her to be 'upset' about this, rather than explaining the fact that sometimes shit happens and life goes on.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 19/07/2013 12:02

Gosh how incredibly self absorbed you are. The poor woman is in a low paid job. For her to consider a TA position as a good prospect she must be earning close to minimum wage. Her whole income is dependent on one child, that must be terrifying for her.

She was nice enough to be polite about it, the least you can do is not make her feel like she has done something wrong.

I cant believe you can expect so much of another human being. Your DD only the centre of YOUR universe.

MammaTJ · 19/07/2013 12:03

I think she genuinely does care for your DD, she could not have done such a good job if she didn't.

She also has her own self/family to think about and being without work when your DD moves on would not be good. She has to make the decision to move on and it has been hard for her to do so. Yes, you are upset, yes it will be hard for your DD, but she will have someone else just as wonderful next year.

WhistlingNun · 19/07/2013 12:04

The mere fact she bothered to come and talk to you about her change of occupation means she cares a lot about your daughter.

Your daughter will surely get a new SW, no?

My daughter has SEN and i know how easily children can become attached to their helpers/teachers/etc. But your daughter - to put it nicely - will just have to get used to this. It's a fact of life that people move on.

It's your responsibility to be positive about this for your daughter's sake. Be excited, get her to make a card wishing her SW lots of luck in her new job, discuss who her new SW might be.

I'm having to do this just now with my dd. She was supposed to be getting the same teacher next year - who is wonderful - but i've just been informed that teacher is leaving. We're now on summer holidays, so it's just a guessing game who dd will get for P.2 in August.

DD is very anxious about this. As am i. But i will definitely not let her see this.

insanityscratching · 19/07/2013 12:05

Yabu, my two have TA's and in effect when dd leaves next year her TA will be out of a job. I would expect if a position became available in the next year that she would apply for it however much I would have liked her to stay attached to dd. In some ways it is far better when children have a team of TA's around them as my ds does because it lessens the emotional dependence on them not only the child's but also their parent.

Original poster
StickyFloor · 19/07/2013 12:07

Sorry, there have been another couple of posts while I was typing.

The school has a lot of SN children steered towards it, at least a couple of new ones start each year ( well they have in the 5 years since we started ). In the last 5 years SWs have left for various reasons but not because there was no job for them. When their own charges leave they take over with a younger one starting in Reception. So, yes, I had thought about what would happen to her when DD leaves and never had any concern about her security because it has never been a problem until now.

I have spoken to DD and told her that she has not been dumped and the SW cares about her very much, sometimes things happen that we didn't expect and we can just move on and make sure things turn out in the very best way. Why on earth would I encourage or prolong her upset?

SW told me that the pay and hours will be the same, but obviously it is about the long-term security.

OP posts:
lydiajones · 19/07/2013 12:07

I can understand how you feel but she has explained her reasons to you. Maybe the school should have done more to reassure her of a new position once your daughter left the school. Your daughter will be moving somewhere new in 2 years time so will have to get used to new people soon anyway so this might be a good preparation for her. Please try and be positive about it to your daughter. The next support worker will probably be just as great once she is used to her.

At the end of the day people have to feed and clothe their families, if she was looking for a big pay cheque she wouldn't be doing the job she is doing so I think it is unfair of you to think of her like that. Give her a nice card and present to thank her for all her hard work. She will still be at the school and I am sure she will still see your daughter a lot.

CloudsAndTrees · 19/07/2013 12:07

I have seen similar situations like this before, and it is always difficult for everyone concerned.

It sounds like this lady cares very much about your dd and you have been very lucky to have her support up until now. But you can't expect her to put your child ahead of her own family, and she needs job security.

Try not to let this cloud your memories of the time she has had with your dd. it sounds like it has been special for all of you, and it would be a shame for you if you let it turn sour.

It could be worse, she could have gone for a job in a different school. At least this way she will be around to keep an eye on your dd in school, and she will be able to help the new SW get to know your dd.