to feel let-down by DDs support worker?

[StickyFloor]

DD has a fulltime 1-2-1 support worker at school. She has been with her for 3 years and they are really close. The SW has been fabulous in every way, she goes above and beyond what is expected of her in the job and under her care DD has come on leaps and bounds.

So last week out of the blue she told me that she will no longer be DDs SW from September. A position came up in the school for a general classroom TA and she applied for and got it. She was crying as she told me saying it was the hardest decision of her life, she is worried she has let me and DD down and still doesn't know if she has done the right thing, but she is worried that when DD leaves she will not have a job so that is what she chose, for her future security. She said she knew how upset I and DD would be and she knows she will miss working with DD and is so confused and anxious, but thinks it is the right thing.

I was so shocked I didn't say an awful lot, I ended up half-consoling her. She wanted me to keep saying it was ok and I understood, and don't worry about it, but I didn't really feel like that.

To be frank, I am so SO disappointed in her. In every respect she has been wonderful and acted as though she cared so much for DD and now I think actually this was all about a paycheck for you, so now you have moved on to something more secure. It is 2 years away FFS, that is a really long time. DD has been distraught. I tried to explain it but all she keeps saying is that SW could have stayed but she decided she didn't want to. She feels hurt and rejected and is really down about it. She stays quiet at school SW sais she has been a bit quiet but seems fine, but at home she keeps on crying. She is putting on a brave face not to hurt SW feelings but also because I think she is a bit embarrassed, she used the word "dumped" to me and I know what she means.

We have a few days of school left still and I am really struggling. I can't laugh and gossip with her every morning and afternoon as usual, I can barely look her in the eye. She hasn't mentioned it since she broke the news, perhaps because she realises I am upset.

DH just says it is a good lesson for us that people involved in DDs care are just doing their job and nothing more. I guess I have been naïve in thinking that doing a job like that you would put the child first.

At the end of each term I always send her a note of thanks about all her efforts and picking out some of the wonderful things she has done. I don't think I can manage more next week than "thanks for everything, I wish you well in your new role".

AIBU to take this so personally?

As is appropriate for her to do.

Well then, maybe the security is one thing, her desire for a change may be another.

Yep, could be a bit of both.

Sometimes school swap LSAs around depending on the needs arising from the new intake and the skill-set of the existing staff, and the LSA actually doesn't have the ultimate say. It's a poorly-paid job and I 'm because your assumption about how it all works and how much power she might have in the future aren't necessarily correct.

I think you need to appreciate there is a HUGE grey area between 'just a paycheck' and 'completely committed to your DD personally for life'.
She showed it was far more than a paycheck in the way she did her job and in the upset she felt at resigning....

You could say the same for any nanny who ever resigns a position - that the resignation means she didn't care for the children at all and it was just a paycheck but I'm sure that's not true either!

Sorry, that should have read "and I'm pointing this out because ...."

What is going to happen when you DD goes to secondary? There'll be changes then...

I think you need time to grieve OP. the anger's part of that, imo

seriously, youre slagging the sw off for just seeing your dd as a paycheck? do you actually know how much sws get paid? she is doing it because she is a genuine nice person. i honestly cant read anymore of your self centred drizzle.......

poor poor poor sw having you around!

For DD there will be huge changes and a whole new way of being supported. There will be a bank of SWs around the school who will help her out at different times of the day and different parts of the school.

It is a completely different set-up to primary where the norm is for 1 named SW to be allocated to a child.

It is a fair point you make Jamie, but to date the school have had a deliberate policy of consistency, with TAs staying put with kids unless either TA or child leaves because there is such a lot of value in the experience they build up re handling, physio, personal care, emotional triggers etc that on the balance avoiding over-dependency comes second to ensuring that the most experienced person can do the job. It tends to be less about skills per se as personal experience and relationship with the child.

I understand your sadness for dd
But YABU, really very unreasonable to expect the SW not to move on and do whats best for her.

Your focus now needs to be about finding someone equally good, if not better for your dd. In the long run it will probably be of benefit to your dd to form positive relationships with several people.

I understand why you feel sad though so have a and as it must be a long, hard relentless road with your dd's SN and finding the right people to support her.

Get yourself together, put on a smile, wish the SW all the best for her future, and perhaps ask her to help you find a replacement?

Echo Badguider and others that this was clearly more than a pay check to her. That's just your anger talking. Likewise that she told you out of the blue. It would be out of the blue if she was switching the next day or if she'd not told you and just not been there in Sept. but she's given you and your dd time to prepare for the transition at the start of the new term. Change is the only constant in life. Even the most vulnerable of us need to come to terms with that.

A lot of schools do not have one dedicated TA working with one child all the time. This thread is a perfect illustration as to why: the child gets overly dependent, and when they leave the TA is high and dry. Also, the TA/support worker might support the child too much, or be too soft on the child, or be too hard on the child, or dislike the child, or be bloody useless, and when there is only one support worker then there is no respite from any of those problems.

The best course of action is for the child to have a number of different support workers, with their statemented hours spread throughout a team. Different TAs can work with the child, discuss different ways of working amongst the team and work out best strategies for a child.

OP of course it's not just a paycheck, but did you think that if your DD's statement funding was removed, that the support worker would come in for no pay? Come on.

Of course she is genuinely fond of your DD. But your DD will move on without her and she needs to have another job lined up. This might be a good way to wean DD off her dependence on the TA by having her still in the school but not actually with her.

YANBU to be upset. I'm very with the people who say you are being horrid. They don't have an upset SN DC to deal with.

Of course other people's world can revolve around our DCs, but it's natural to wish it did.

We have no say in who the replacement will be. There are two SWs whose charges are in Y6 and leaving next week, and two SN new-starters in September. So the school will be recruiting one new SW and then deciding how to allocate the 3 of them during the summer holidays.

I see the advantage of using several TAs to avoid over-dependence but in some situations it isn't so simple. Some children, including DD have such specific needs that you actually need one person to really get to know them and build up a relationship for it to really work well.

YABU

StarBall I have two children with SN with TA's but I can see why the TA would want a position with more security. FWIW ds will be losing one of his TA's and whilst he is upset because he likes him a lot I can still appreciate that the TA is free to make his own career choices and rather being short with the TA I will be sending in a letter of thanks and a bottle of whiskey and will wish him well.

I don't have an upset child with SEN to deal with. However, I have been in 'caring' roles my whole working life. Believe me, being told that making decisions about our own lives is treating our job like just a paycheck is hurtful.

I would love to do the sums one day and work out what I could have earned, where I could have lived, the kind of holidays I could have gone on had I used my education to make as much money as I could, instead of doing jobs with my wonderful and amazing clients. I have had fun and really loved working with my clients. Were we in it for the money, we wouldn't be working in SW, education, nursing, caring.

OP, please don't think the SW doesn't care. She just has to think about other things too.

Yabvvvvu. Your dd SW is a person with a life outside school, I am sorry to say this I does not revolve around your dd. it is good that she I thinking ahead, an not wilting until nearer before looking for a job, there is no guarantee SW will get one. She probabl has a family to support and bills to pay. She came up to tell you personally, be grateful for what she has don with your dd

Yes my dd has sn and is in a special school, but understand unfortunately that's life and at te end of te day people have to think ahead for the future. It would be helpful if school knows who her SW is and gets dd to meet her behfrehand a few times, and takes a picture. Mabey you could make a social story about it for her

YANBU to be upset for your DD. YABU to take it so personally and as a sign that 'it's just a job'.

Please make sure you send her a note at the end of this term - she's obviously really conscientious and has obviously struggled between balancing your DD's and her own.

It would be horribly churlish and very spiteful of you to barely acknowledge the contribution she's made this term because she's dared to consider her own needs.

Life doesn't just revolve around your DC. She obviously takes her job very seriously but saw an opportunity in a school she really liked. These vacancies don't come up often.

I can understand how you feel but don't take it personally.

One of my kids had 1-1 assistant for a couple of years, she was very nice then she said she had a few family issue's and left, a few months later she was back at the school working as 1-1 with a child in a younger class and I did feel a bit upset especially as I liked her better than the replacement.

But at the end of the day as long as your child like's the new one that's all that matters.

Stickyfloor, you don't know what terms she's been working under. It's perfectly possible that the SW job is fixed term and the TA position permanent. You can't really depend upon there 'probably' being a job when you are offered a permanent one, not with the economy the way it is.