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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel let-down by DDs support worker?

87 replies

StickyFloor · 19/07/2013 11:38

DD has a fulltime 1-2-1 support worker at school. She has been with her for 3 years and they are really close. The SW has been fabulous in every way, she goes above and beyond what is expected of her in the job and under her care DD has come on leaps and bounds.

So last week out of the blue she told me that she will no longer be DDs SW from September. A position came up in the school for a general classroom TA and she applied for and got it. She was crying as she told me saying it was the hardest decision of her life, she is worried she has let me and DD down and still doesn't know if she has done the right thing, but she is worried that when DD leaves she will not have a job so that is what she chose, for her future security. She said she knew how upset I and DD would be and she knows she will miss working with DD and is so confused and anxious, but thinks it is the right thing.

I was so shocked I didn't say an awful lot, I ended up half-consoling her. She wanted me to keep saying it was ok and I understood, and don't worry about it, but I didn't really feel like that.

To be frank, I am so SO disappointed in her. In every respect she has been wonderful and acted as though she cared so much for DD and now I think actually this was all about a paycheck for you, so now you have moved on to something more secure. It is 2 years away FFS, that is a really long time. DD has been distraught. I tried to explain it but all she keeps saying is that SW could have stayed but she decided she didn't want to. She feels hurt and rejected and is really down about it. She stays quiet at school SW sais she has been a bit quiet but seems fine, but at home she keeps on crying. She is putting on a brave face not to hurt SW feelings but also because I think she is a bit embarrassed, she used the word "dumped" to me and I know what she means.

We have a few days of school left still and I am really struggling. I can't laugh and gossip with her every morning and afternoon as usual, I can barely look her in the eye. She hasn't mentioned it since she broke the news, perhaps because she realises I am upset.

DH just says it is a good lesson for us that people involved in DDs care are just doing their job and nothing more. I guess I have been naïve in thinking that doing a job like that you would put the child first.

At the end of each term I always send her a note of thanks about all her efforts and picking out some of the wonderful things she has done. I don't think I can manage more next week than "thanks for everything, I wish you well in your new role".

AIBU to take this so personally?

OP posts:
inneedofsomehelpplz · 19/07/2013 12:08

of course your dd is centre of YOUR world - she is YOUR daughter but the sw has to think of herself & HER family. you sound horrible & my sympathys go out to the sw -:i hope she enjoys her new job.

Poppylovescheese · 19/07/2013 12:09

YABU.

inneedofsomehelpplz · 19/07/2013 12:11

op so in two years you can promise the sw she will deffo have a job can you? (((sigh))) Biscuit

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 19/07/2013 12:11

I am standing by what I said op. You ARE prolonging her upset.

Do you think your dd doesn't notice that you cant look sw in the eye, You are angry towards her and you cant even bring yourself to write her a nice note as you usually would?

Mamafratelli · 19/07/2013 12:12

Yabu I have a friend who lost her job when her charge left. She struggled to find a job for a year and her kids suffered.

diplodocus · 19/07/2013 12:13

You say you nearly left last year - her SW would have been immediately out of a job. It's not surprising she feels insecure. She knows (quite rightly) you'll always make whatever decision you think is best for your child, and that may not be the best for her.
She sounds like she's gone well beyond the call of duty over the last few years - please make sure she knows you appreciate that.

inneedofsomehelpplz · 19/07/2013 12:13

op aibu?

us yea!

op but but but........ Biscuit

Jan49 · 19/07/2013 12:15

Sorry but YABVU.

You seem to be too invested in one particular person. It's her job. She's not your dd's parent or grandparent. She could easily have been switched to help another child with SEN at any time.

I'm shocked that you actually thought she should continue in her present role for your dd's sake.

There will be changes that your dd has to cope with at times - new teachers, new rules, changes of all kinds. I think your attitude must be influencing your dd.

MidniteScribbler · 19/07/2013 12:15

Many of the TAs at our school are working on their full teaching degrees. It's human nature to try and increase your earning potential or seek a promotion. She saw an opportunity to improve her income and utilise other skills, people do it all the time.

Original poster
StickyFloor · 19/07/2013 12:17

I was asked if I had considered what would happen to SW - and I replied.

I was told not to encourage DDs upset and I replied.

There is no doubt on here that IABU, so I thought I would answer questions put to me.

OP posts:
whois · 19/07/2013 12:17

Fuck, this HAS to be a reverse AIBU?

OP you're being v U. Bloody hell. Your DC is your life, and is the SW's job. Get it? Yeah? Reality check needed woman!

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2013 12:18

I used to work for SS. I left for my own reasons and felt horrible about leaving my lovely clients. If one of their carers had been cold and distant towards me, I would have felt dreadful. It IS more than a job. We do care more than in a 'normal' job.

When DD left this school would you have housed, fed and clothed the SW? Didn't think so. You assume she would have had a job but that wouldn't have been your problem. YABU.

pictish · 19/07/2013 12:22

Very unreasonable indeed.
Reality check?

pictish · 19/07/2013 12:22

And I do understand how you must be feeling.

Original poster
StickyFloor · 19/07/2013 12:24

I'm not sure that I can really actually post anymore without having biscuits thrown at me and told that I am not listening. I am taking in all your thoughts, thanks.

Most of you are telling me to grow up and accept that this is just a job to her and I have been a self-centred idiot to expect anything more. As I said earlier I am upset with myself for being so naïve as to think it was more than just a job to her. I get it now, it is just a job, just a paycheck, and she needs to have a job and protect herself, and she is right to put that career / income before anything else. Fair enough, I didn't see it like that, but I do now. I have truly learnt something that I did not see at all.

OP posts:
maja00 · 19/07/2013 12:27

Of course it's a job to her - a job she cares about, and she obviously cares a lot about your DD, but she still has to but herself and her own family first.

It being a job first and foremost doesn't mean she wasn't a great and dedicated SW.

I work with children too, and I love my job, but if something better came along that would benefit me and my family I would go for it.

pictish · 19/07/2013 12:27

Have a gentle hug OP. Bless you.

pictish · 19/07/2013 12:33

And I'm sure your dd is not 'just' a paycheck to her...I'm sure she does care, she has demonstrated that so much!

But yes, to ever have expected her to stick with your dd to her own detriment, because she loves her, was pie in the sky. Bums.

SpockSmashesScissors · 19/07/2013 12:39

The SW has been fabulous in every way, she goes above and beyond what is expected of her in the job and under her care DD has come on leaps and bounds.

So it is more than just a paycheck to her or she wouldn't be putting in the level of effort you describe.

Maybe you nearly withdrawing DD from the school last year is the reason she has decided to take this new job, she would have realised quite how vulnerable her position was.

pictish · 19/07/2013 12:40

Agreed Spock.

Marlinspike · 19/07/2013 12:40

Can I come at this from a different approach? Could you view this as an opportunity for your DD to develop, and form a relationship with a new support worker? The ability to relate to a number of different people is an essential part of every child's development. I work in a school with a high number of children with SN, and we rotate SWs for that very reason - of course this makes any downsizing that may be required due to a drop in pupil numbers harder, but we think that this will ultimately be in the best interests of the children.

pictish · 19/07/2013 12:42

Agree marlin.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 19/07/2013 12:45

I think you are painting this as an either/ or situation - either it's just a job and she doesn't give a toss, or she must be with your DD and no-one else can ever be a SW to your DD.

Of course this is a loss for your DD and that is making you angry, but life is a series of changes and losses, and your DD may have much to gain from someone new.

I would like to gently suggest that maybe the SW feels that she would like a change. Being an LSA is incredibly intense (I porbably don't need to tell you that), an maybe there are circumstances in the SW life that mean a move from that intense 1:1 relationship is what she needs. And if she feels that way, then this may also be a benifit to your DD?

I hope i don't sound unsympathetic. This must be a real shock and disappointment.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 19/07/2013 12:45

Marlin

Yes

Original poster
StickyFloor · 19/07/2013 12:47

Spock, you may be right, but we talked about it so much she knew that we were committed to staying so barring some freak occurrence she knew we were here for at least 2 years. But yes, I can see it may well have got her thinking about the need to plan ahead.

I keep being jumped on for saying this, but in the context of this school and the flow of SN kids and TAs it is just so hard to understand that she would have been so worried.

But of course I can't say what will happen to the SWs in two years anymore than we can assume the TA position (which has been created due to a class shuffle) would still exist either. Anything can happen and she has thought about it and gone with what she believes is the most secure option.

OP posts: