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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is he?

119 replies

boomboomfirepower · 14/07/2013 10:24

My fiancé has just broken up with me. I honestly don't know who is right here.

I went out with a few friends recently and he said he wasn't keen on me going out without him because he worries. So I was invited to a bbq party thing on a friends boat, I brought my fiance along with me. We were having fun, a few drinks. I took the canoe out with a female friend of mine for literally less than ten minutes. He was sat moodily gazing into the water when I got back and wouldn't talk to anyone. Then he disappeared for two hours before texting me to say he does not like spending time with my friends because I was neglecting him and not giving him any attention. He said he felt like I didn't love him.

When he came back I was annoyed that he had just left like that. And we had an argument. I am incredibly ashamed to say that I slapped him. Which I know I shouldn't have done. We were a little drunk and tempers were frayed. So obviously he broke up with me, took my house keys to remove all of his stuff from my house and then he drove home drunk.

The next day I thought I convinced him to forgive me. As I had been upset my friends offered to take me out to cheer me up, but as soon as he found out I had gone out he flipped out and text me loads of abuse and said he couldn't be fucked with me.

I don't know what to do. I want to be with him but I don't know if he is right, or if he was perhaps over reacting.

Help!

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 16:53

But it's okay for him to emotionally abuse her?

I think I'll go sit in the corner with Pictish.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/07/2013 16:55

No of course it isn't and I didn't even imply that it was

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 16:58

Yes, you did.

Sallystyle · 14/07/2013 17:06

He drove home drunk? that would enough alone for me to end it to be honest.

All respect would be lost at that point. Not to mention all the other shit.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/07/2013 17:10

I most certainly did not. I merely pointed out the gap in your argument. Those who have experience of abuse will know that some abusers minimise (I only slapped you. It was only a little slap - I didn't hit you or punch you). They will also beg and plead and tell you how sorry they are unitl you really really believe them - until the next time. And that will somehow be your fault too.

That's a far cry from calling the OP an abuser but you implied that it was unfair to call her on her actions - for which she is responsible as an adult - just because she was upset. It's not ok to 'slap' someone. It's not ok to emotionally abuse them. One does not cancel out the other.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2013 17:15

YouTheCat

"But it's okay for him to emotionally abuse her?"

Again you do not know that he is an emotional abuser.
All we know is that he is unhappy with her going out with her friends. Frankly if that is the cae then there are alot of women on MN that are EA.

I would want to know why he is unhappy with her going out with her friends.

daisychain01 · 14/07/2013 17:16

Just draw a line in the sand, metaphorically speaking, don't beat yourself up (sorry for the appauling metaphor, but you know what I mean) over the bad ending to that relationship, learn from the experience and dont whatever you do waste a moment more of your emotional energy. Have fun over the summer and it will be a distant memory.

We all make mistakes and also do things we look back and cringe about.

If anything, I am sure HE could well be looking back and regretting his actions in the cold light of day - hopefully the salutory lesson will make him grow up hugely and approach any future relationship very differently. He is out of your life which, given the description of how he behaved, is a lucky escape - he doesn't sound mature enough to get married for a long time yet anyway!

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 17:18

He was with her. He was unhappy with her spending 10 minutes with her friends and away from him. That is controlling EA behaviour.

No one thing does not cancel out the other at all, neither does one slap at the end of her tether make the OP an abuser, as quite a few on this thread have called her.

foreverondiet · 14/07/2013 17:18

You should not have slapped him but v v lucky escape. Not acceptable to be so controlling that you can't maintain friendships. But still must never slap anyone not acceptable... Doesn't matter whose fault though....

foreverondiet · 14/07/2013 17:23

Op - you are not doomed. You can work on why you slapped him and know you'll never slap / hit / whatever again.

What is doomed is a relationship with a man so controlling you can't go out with friends or even spend time with a friend...

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2013 17:30

YouTheCat

Would you be annoyed if you drove to see your fiance and your fiance had decided to spend the night with friends?

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 17:44

Yes, but that isn't what the OP said happened. She said she was invited to a BBQ. Her fiance didn't want her to go without him and so she took him too.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2013 17:47

yes what she said.

she said, he said and the truth.

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 18:00

He drove to see her because he didn't want her to go out with her friends without him.

That is controlling behaviour. And I only have what the OP has said to go on as I'm not psychic.

TotallyBursar · 14/07/2013 18:16

I suspect the op won't be back after that.

I also suspect, but hope not, that she'll continue with this relationship as soon as he gets on the phone with his emotional manipulation.
Because her reply seems to make only a passing reference to really concerning behaviours of his and a lot more defensive argument about her slap. Having heard only a ridiculous amount of censure for one aspect of the problem - belabouring a point long since made- she has felt she had to defend herself above all else, so the views are hostile and the bigger picture hasn't been seen clearly enough to break through the fog of conditioned EA. Even if it is situational and because they are terrible together.
Excellent, mission achieved, another woman defending her abusive relationship and making it work for years longer to prove people wrong.

I would say the same to any man caught in the same situation with a woman behaving like this - get out. I doubt you'll slap anyone that wasn't abusing or goading you. If you are worried about your violent reaction get help but only once out of the relationship that is skewing your perspective. Violence is never the answer but we are all human and it happens - finding out why is more important than berating the person for it happening in situations like this.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 14/07/2013 18:19

When others are trying to decide whether you or your partner are the abuser in your relationship you know you are with the wrong person. A tonne of red flags are waving vigorously get out and stay out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2013 20:49

neunundneunzigluftballons and others are IMHO correct both are best out of this relationship.

nennypops · 14/07/2013 20:57

He's a control freak. Friend of mine went through similar scenarios with her bf over around 4 years. For months after they broke up he was constantly trying to contact her and guilt trip her into going back. Finally when a 'friend' told him he'd seen her out with a flatmate and two male friends, he went into overdrive issuing threats against them all, and she had to go to the police. He's had a terrible effect on her confidence and she's been close to a nervous breakdown.

Be very, very grateful that you have the chance to escape before matters get to that stage, and for goodness sake, don't ever think of going back to him.

Mia4 · 14/07/2013 20:58

YWBU to have slapped him, everything else-controlling behaviour and drink driving- he is unreasonable for.

Your relationship sounds like one I know, the husband is also exactly like this and now the wife goes out without them. After 30 years of it she's finally had enough and it's splitting the family down the middle. Don't get to that point where you look back and regret, where you realise what you've put up with your whole life and that it's even harder to try and walk away.

He behaved the same, yet when she went out without him he's punish her with silence or cruel words or behaving nastily. Until she'd said sorry and begged enough. Then the next time she either didn't go out for fear of him kicking off, or dragged him off and had no fun with his unsociale controlling ass in tow!

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