Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is he?

119 replies

boomboomfirepower · 14/07/2013 10:24

My fiancé has just broken up with me. I honestly don't know who is right here.

I went out with a few friends recently and he said he wasn't keen on me going out without him because he worries. So I was invited to a bbq party thing on a friends boat, I brought my fiance along with me. We were having fun, a few drinks. I took the canoe out with a female friend of mine for literally less than ten minutes. He was sat moodily gazing into the water when I got back and wouldn't talk to anyone. Then he disappeared for two hours before texting me to say he does not like spending time with my friends because I was neglecting him and not giving him any attention. He said he felt like I didn't love him.

When he came back I was annoyed that he had just left like that. And we had an argument. I am incredibly ashamed to say that I slapped him. Which I know I shouldn't have done. We were a little drunk and tempers were frayed. So obviously he broke up with me, took my house keys to remove all of his stuff from my house and then he drove home drunk.

The next day I thought I convinced him to forgive me. As I had been upset my friends offered to take me out to cheer me up, but as soon as he found out I had gone out he flipped out and text me loads of abuse and said he couldn't be fucked with me.

I don't know what to do. I want to be with him but I don't know if he is right, or if he was perhaps over reacting.

Help!

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 14/07/2013 10:55

Sounds like my ex fiancé. He's an ex for a very good reason!

Everyone always remarks on what a calm person I am, I realise now that I am a very calm person but it took me along time to realise that after spending 3 years with someone and never able to be calm with him, I also slapped him more than once. Something I would never do to my current partner because he doesn't make me angry, stressed, hurt etc.

Original poster
boomboomfirepower · 14/07/2013 10:55

I know it was wrong to slap him. I don't think there is much point swapping the genders or looking at it as if I were make because I am not. In this situation I am female so let's just look at it the way it is.

I know it was wrong of me and I couldn't feel any worse.

So basically it's doomed then?

It was going so bloody well up until last week.

My friends were being welcoming. He was swimming with them, racing etc and they all made time for him.

OP posts:
grumpyinthemorning · 14/07/2013 10:55

You were wrong to hit him, but you've already admitted you know that. We can chalk that up to alcohol and a frayed temper. Besides, the slap is a symptom, not the cause.

What does he worry about when you go out? That you'll cheat? Or that something bad will happen to you? Former is jealousy issues, latter is overprotective, neither are good for a relationship.

He says he feels neglected when you spend time with your friends instead of him. He wants to monopolize your time and your attention. You are dealing with a controlling man-child, throwing his toys out of the pram because he's discovered he's not the centre of the universe. I would expect this kind of behaviour from my toddler, not a grown man.

Be thankful he's decided to leave, life's to short to spend it with idiots like this.

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2013 11:32

So basically it's doomed then?

Yes.
And that's a good thing.

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 11:33

Can you imagine how jealous this manchild would be would be if you had kids?

happydaze77 · 14/07/2013 11:34

Good point YouTheCat

pictish · 14/07/2013 11:36

Take this opportunity to get shot of him for good. he's possessive - he needs babysitting, he's emotionally manipulative and demanding.
Who needs it?

And you keep your hands to your bloody self as well.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 14/07/2013 11:37

He sounds like a dick; doesn't like your mates and doesn't like you going out and ignoring his needs.

Move on, he won't make you happy.

specialsubject · 14/07/2013 11:40

you both sound about 12. Anyway, he's controlling and you react with violence, and neither of you care about each other.

forget it. Stay single for a while.

pictish · 14/07/2013 11:42

I have also slapped btw - in the past. I'm not slap happy at all. The man concerned made me very very angry, making everything about him, and then accusing me of not loving him enough, even though I was pretty much going along with everything he wanted. It drove me demented.

I know. I understand.

Hitting him only gives him leverage.
Let this inadequate, controlling specimen go. For good.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 14/07/2013 11:43

Consider this a lucky escape.

Corkyandviolet · 14/07/2013 11:47

I realise I'm in a minority of one here, but I think he probably deserved the slap!

pictish · 14/07/2013 11:50

This is how it starts OP.
It's like a script.

He will eclipse your world.

GetStuffezd · 14/07/2013 11:52

OP I notice you ignored everyone's comments about the controlling aspect of the relationship. Hasn't this worried you before?

catgirl1976 · 14/07/2013 11:55

Please take it from me

This is not a good relationship and however much you love him etc, run like the wind. It will not end well and will only ever get harder to change or end

diddl · 14/07/2013 11:56

"he said he wasn't keen on me going out without him because he worries."

Aww-how sweet & caring-not!!

And you fell for it OP & took him!

And as for feeling that you neglect him for your friendsHmm-perhaps he shouldn't invite himself along to keep an eye on you

"but I think he probably deserved the slap!"-Shock-why, because it was female to male??

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2013 12:20

"he said he wasn't keen on me going out without him because he worries"
Huge, huge red flag. Think about it. What is the logical outcome of him saying this? To pressure you into not going out without him. Over time this would cause your friendships to wither and die as your friends would never see you alone, just you and them. You'd become isolated so that he was your entire world. He'd own you. I hope this does not sound appealling OP.

The slapping was not good, but you know that. From how you've posted about this, I'm presuming this is the first time? How did it come about? I don't see slapping someone as the inevitable outcome of a drunken argument, so what tipped you over the edge? (I'm aware some may see this as potentially victim-blaming, but if OP's fiance is controlling he may have controlled her all the way into the argument/slapping to make her ashamed and therefore easier to manipulate. She'd be more willing to cave to his demands since she was in the wrong by hitting him.)

"I don't know what to do. I want to be with him but I don't know if he is right, or if he was perhaps over reacting."
What to do? Take a step back, this is not a healthy relationship. His desire that you not go out without him - take it seriously. How would your life be in five, ten years of that? Let the relationship die now, you will have dodged a bullet.

Oh, and I'd expect him to try to reel you back in OP. He'll probably contact you in a few days expecting you to be so desperate that you'll agree to anything to get back together. When that happens, please stop and think about what you are doing and what you would be letting yourself in for if you do give in to his demands.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/07/2013 12:34

OP

You slapping him was wrong yeah.

But he is a controlling arsehole.

What would you think if one of your friends told you she couldn't see you anymore because her bloke didn't want her to? Would you think "fair enough,he sounds like a top bloke"? Or would you think "what the fuck? What a controlling tosser. That is completely not right and worrying"?

Seriously,which would you think?

BlackDahlia11 · 14/07/2013 12:41

You have had a lucky escape. I've been with a guy like this. Moody when I wasn't giving him 100% of my attention, even if only speaking to my friends for 10 minutes. Few weeks after we broke up I met my now husband and I've never had any problems with that since as he knows what normal 'space' is.

Seriously, don't try to go back to someone who can't handle you spending a bit of time with your friends.

Justfornowitwilldo · 14/07/2013 12:44

You shouldn't have slapped him. Violence is never acceptable.

You sound like you've had a lucky escape. Someone who doesn't want you going out without him? Who, when you take him with you, says 'he does not like spending time with (your) friends because (you were) neglecting him and not giving him any attention. He said 'he felt like (you) didn't love him' because you left him for less than 10 minutes? He's trying to stop you seeing friends. Massive red flag.

Fuzzysnout · 14/07/2013 12:45

What everyone else said. YWBU to slap him, but you have had a very very lucky escape from an unpleasant controlling man. He doesn't want you to go out without him? Why not? If you marry this man you will spend some very miserable years being steadily isolated from your friends & family because he will always want to go with you to 'keep an eye on you'. When he doesn't want to go, then you won't be allowed to go either.

You will spend your time tiptoeing around him so as not to upset him & provoke one of his moods. It is a miserable way to live. What if you then have a child or become I'll & have to rely on him to support you for a while? Will he do this with love & kindness or will he feel it gives him all the more right to tell you what you can and can't do?

Please, please don't get in touch with him again and don't allow him to come back. You deserve so much more than a partner who treats you like this.

whois · 14/07/2013 12:48

Are you fucking kidding me? You shouldn't have slapped him but I'm glad you did. Massive red flags all that shit about not wanting you to see friends. What a prick.

Good riddance to bad rubbish I'd say about the end of that relationship

Dexidoo · 14/07/2013 12:52

I was engaged to a man who acted very much like this when I was in my early 20's. I spend a great deal of my time trying to keep him happy and hardly went out with friends (or seeing family) because he would sulk before and after.

Luckily I had a lightbulb moment and realised that marrying him would make me miserable and that was hardly what love was meant to be.

You need to take a step back and decide if this is what you want before you go chasing after him

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 14/07/2013 13:16

corky no one EVER deserves to be fucking slapped! Shock Angry

there is no excuse for violence at all

op you dont belong together! he's extremely childish and you're violent

Xales · 14/07/2013 13:30

Dump the man who won't let you go alone to friend's parties, gets upset when you are not 100% focused on him for 10 minutes out of god knows how many hours and has a paddy and refuses to make up when you go out with your friends again after being dumped. You will end up without any friends if he has his way.

Stop drinking so much alcohol that when you are drunk and argumentative you start hitting.

Consider it a wake up call on both things and learn from it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread