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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is he?

119 replies

boomboomfirepower · 14/07/2013 10:24

My fiancé has just broken up with me. I honestly don't know who is right here.

I went out with a few friends recently and he said he wasn't keen on me going out without him because he worries. So I was invited to a bbq party thing on a friends boat, I brought my fiance along with me. We were having fun, a few drinks. I took the canoe out with a female friend of mine for literally less than ten minutes. He was sat moodily gazing into the water when I got back and wouldn't talk to anyone. Then he disappeared for two hours before texting me to say he does not like spending time with my friends because I was neglecting him and not giving him any attention. He said he felt like I didn't love him.

When he came back I was annoyed that he had just left like that. And we had an argument. I am incredibly ashamed to say that I slapped him. Which I know I shouldn't have done. We were a little drunk and tempers were frayed. So obviously he broke up with me, took my house keys to remove all of his stuff from my house and then he drove home drunk.

The next day I thought I convinced him to forgive me. As I had been upset my friends offered to take me out to cheer me up, but as soon as he found out I had gone out he flipped out and text me loads of abuse and said he couldn't be fucked with me.

I don't know what to do. I want to be with him but I don't know if he is right, or if he was perhaps over reacting.

Help!

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 14/07/2013 13:34

I can't believe anyone is condoning you slapping him!

It is not ok just because you are female!

He's better off without you. Do him a favour and stop trying to win his forgiveness, let him go and find someone who isn't violent.

The fact that you would also be better of without him is secondary.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/07/2013 13:45

Clouds

I think one person has said the OP was right to slap him?

They both sound abusive in their own way to me.

maddening · 14/07/2013 14:17

He will always do this with any woman he is with - until he finds one that lets him separate her from her friends and eventually hand over all control to him.

You have made a lucky escape - wrong to slap him but you can't take that back now.

badguider · 14/07/2013 14:20

Run run run!!!

He doesn't like you going out without him - but he also doesn't like going with you.

He'll never change and you'd end up with no friends and no life but him (which is what he wants).

Do NOT take him back. Please.

Original poster
boomboomfirepower · 14/07/2013 14:32

To all who have said I am a violent abusive person - I know I should not have done it, it has never happened before and it won't happen again. I hope I don't deserve to be labelled violent and abusive over one incident.

To those concerned about my fiancé's controlling nature.. I guess I had not looked at it that way before. My friends are all a lot older than him and not really into the same things, eg he is a super football fan whereas they are more into music etc. So he always had what I thought were valid reasons for being reluctant to hang out with them. Plus a lot of them are guys.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 14/07/2013 14:33

Plus a lot of them are guys.

Does he have more of an issue with your male friends?

Does he often point out how little you have in common with them really?

Does he say (so sweetly) how much he would just rather be with you?

Run.

LIZS · 14/07/2013 14:37

apart from the slap you had nothing to apologise for or convince him to forgive. He sounds very needy and an idiot for driving drunk in any circumstances.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/07/2013 14:39

I know it doesn't seem fair OP, but a man could never say "but I only slapped her once,it's not fair to call me violent because of one incident".

Which is why people have called you out on it here.

But that aside - there is a difference between him not wanting to hang out with your friends and him not wanting you to hang out with your friends.

The former is fine, the latter is not. I don't particularly enjoy hanging out with my dp's friends so avoid doing so. I don't expect him not to spend time with them though.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/07/2013 14:40

He sounds very immature insecure and controlling. There was nothing wrong with your behaviour, apart from slapping him, but any sane person would have been tempted.
You should be able to see friends both together and as individuals if your relationship is good.
Agree with others, you've had a narrow escape, this man is weird, stay away.

CloudsAndTrees · 14/07/2013 14:42

If a man had posted what you had written, he would be called violent and abusive.

There is zero tolerance towards men hitting women, and it should be exactly the same the other way round. Women are not more special then men, they don't deserve any more understanding than a man who has been hit deserves.

Yes, your ex does sound like he's being controlling and manipulative, but what you have done is equally as bad.

You are both better off away from each other.

SoleSource · 14/07/2013 14:43

He had a lucky escape you seem like an abuser. Hope he presses charges

raisah · 14/07/2013 14:49

you are lucky this happend before you got married, the man is an class A ea and he just showed his true colours. Consider yourself extremly lucky, enjoy the rest of your life free from that controlling man.

OldMacEIEIO · 14/07/2013 14:57

I suffered extreme violence as a child. from my mother

he is well off without you

turbochildren · 14/07/2013 14:57

I don't think any person who slaps someone is automatically an abuser. Regardless of gender, there is such a thing as goading, driving people bananas. It has to be seen in context, if there is a pattern. Of course, if there has been no violence, but all of a sudden one beats the living crap out of the other the pattern has been well hidden.
I imagine the reason men hitting women is viewed as worse, is because in general more damage can be wrought by a male slap. It's not always the case, but it's reasonable to look at the general situation.
Of course he can press charges if he wants to.

I slapped my x over 10 years ago. He never hit me for more than 10 years, and over the following years I never assaulted him but he escalated to be very violent indeed, following a similar pattern to op's fiancee. He condemned my behaviour as violent and held it up to me to show how easily I would lose my temper etc.

At any rate, just let this guy go. it sounds miserable at best.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2013 15:17

boomboomfirepower
"To all who have said I am a violent abusive person - I know I should not have done it, it has never happened before and it won't happen again."

I've heard that so many times before. Don't kid yourself.

Original poster
boomboomfirepower · 14/07/2013 15:19

So I'm fucked then? I should just give up and never afflict myself on any poor man because once I slapped somebody? Right ok then. I'm an abuser for life. I'll tell him not to bother forgiving me.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 14/07/2013 15:24

boom

I don't think anybody is saying that.

You know you shouldn't have slapped him. You've said as much. I think it can be dropped now.

But - can you see the issues in your relationship are bigger than that one incident? That your fiancé's forgiveness isn't worth what it could result in? He is already trying to control you. That kind of behaviour gets worse not better with time.

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 15:24

I'd say there are a lot of abusers on here then. Never hit out in anger and frustration before? Hmm

The emotional abuse you have been getting from him over time is a hell of a lot more damaging than one slap in the heat of the moment. (And of course it isn't right to slap anyone but I doubt he'll be scarred by the incident).

OP, don't even bother asking him to forgive you. He's a prize twat and you are well rid of him.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/07/2013 15:25

It might be that you are actually two reasonable people who bring out each others worse traits.

LineRunner · 14/07/2013 15:26

I think what people are saying, OP, is that you have to own the fact that you slapped your partner. Take responsibility for it, learn from it, and move and (and let your partner move on) and make sure it never happens again.

And yes, I do think you have had a lucky escape from a dreadful relationship.

RobotBananas · 14/07/2013 15:28

Christ... One slap and she's an abuser? Hardly.

But agree that you should run like the wind.

StuntGirl · 14/07/2013 15:32

What LineRunner said.

Violence is never the answer. And controlling behaviour isn't good either. You don't sound good for each other. Walk away.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/07/2013 15:35

Robot

If her fiancé had slapped her because he was a bit drunk and they were arguing - would you think that was ok?

RobotBananas · 14/07/2013 15:37

I didn't say it was ok, of course its not! Doesnt make her an abuser though.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/07/2013 15:41

I do think some have been unduly harsh re the slap.

I also think that both OP and the fiancé are better off not being together. I wish OP could that.

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