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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is he?

119 replies

boomboomfirepower · 14/07/2013 10:24

My fiancé has just broken up with me. I honestly don't know who is right here.

I went out with a few friends recently and he said he wasn't keen on me going out without him because he worries. So I was invited to a bbq party thing on a friends boat, I brought my fiance along with me. We were having fun, a few drinks. I took the canoe out with a female friend of mine for literally less than ten minutes. He was sat moodily gazing into the water when I got back and wouldn't talk to anyone. Then he disappeared for two hours before texting me to say he does not like spending time with my friends because I was neglecting him and not giving him any attention. He said he felt like I didn't love him.

When he came back I was annoyed that he had just left like that. And we had an argument. I am incredibly ashamed to say that I slapped him. Which I know I shouldn't have done. We were a little drunk and tempers were frayed. So obviously he broke up with me, took my house keys to remove all of his stuff from my house and then he drove home drunk.

The next day I thought I convinced him to forgive me. As I had been upset my friends offered to take me out to cheer me up, but as soon as he found out I had gone out he flipped out and text me loads of abuse and said he couldn't be fucked with me.

I don't know what to do. I want to be with him but I don't know if he is right, or if he was perhaps over reacting.

Help!

OP posts:
SnookyPooky · 14/07/2013 15:42

Run for the hills. It's the beginning of him cutting you off from your friends and family. Sound like my ex.
Please don't stay with this man.

pictish · 14/07/2013 15:48

I have slapped out in anger before...twice. I must be an abuser for life too.
Or not.

I will be the first on here shouting about abusive men. I also know that when you back someone into a corner (whether physically or mentally) they are sometimes likely to lash out.

I'm not violent. It has happened to me.

Lay off the preachy stuff. OP knows it was wrong.

cory · 14/07/2013 15:53

Have we ever know MN not to get preachy about a man who lashes out once though?

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2013 15:54

Linerunner
Has it exactly.

Youthecat

Your first post was "kick him in the balls and stop him reproducing"
So either you find female on male violence funny and you are not worth listening to or you are just not worth listening to.

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 16:00

I don't find emotional abuse funny. Sorry to be so flippant. Hmm

I don't think someone who calls someone pushed to the brink by emotional abuse, an abuser, is worth listening to either.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2013 16:05

We also don't know that he is an emotional abuser.

You can make the assumption that he is but we do not know.

kukeslala · 14/07/2013 16:06

I'm surprised at the amount of comments say along the lines of "you shouldn't have slapped him but ...

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 16:08

Sounds like a duck, walks like a duck - it's a duck.

Tries to alienate OP from her friends. Goes in sulks if isn't getting attention. Says 'you don't love me' because OP spent 10 minutes with her friends. Emotional abuse.

Lived it. Been there.

pictish · 14/07/2013 16:10

I don't think someone who calls someone pushed to the brink by emotional abuse, an abuser, is worth listening to either.

I remember confessing to Women's Aid about my slapping out. Having heard the kind of treatment it took to get me to that stage, she was very reassuring in telling me I was not 'as bad as, or worse than him' and that I was only a human being with limitations in how much shit I could realistically take.
I would strive and strive to meet the man's expectations, but no matter what efforts I made, (and by God, looking back, did I ever make the effort) he would still stand over me and tell me I was cold and didn't give a fuck about him. He would tell me his life was shit, and our relationship was the crux of it, because I clearly did not love him. Like the OP - this could be over something as simple as talking to someone else at a party, and not staying glued to his side.
I felt completely cornered by it. And totally under attack.

Unless you have been there, you cannot tell the OP she is a violent or an abuser. Mental torture can, and will, turn the mildest mannered person insane.

ZingWidge · 14/07/2013 16:11

youthecat

yep, it's Occam's Razor isn't it?

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 16:16

Yep.

I had to google that. Grin

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2013 16:20

I don't think you're an abuser for one slap OP.

But then he's not necessarily a man who has control issues normally either.

It just means you're not two people who are going to have an easy time of it if you insist on ignoring the way you spark each other off.

He could 'forgive' you, and you'll come to a compromise for a while about his jealousy, but you're still going to be the same people, and it'll always come back to the same situation.

It's OK to like someone but know you shouldn't be together. It maybe makes it more confusing, but how he's treating you isn't right, nor is how you get wound up to the point where you're lashing out.

It's sad because you thought you'd marry him, but as plenty of others have said, it's so much better to realise this now before the huge complications being married/having children bring.

Buzzardbird · 14/07/2013 16:22

The Op didn't mention whether or not she was backed into a corner when she slapped...some things are instinct. I once had to smack someone over the head with a remote because he was strangling me. Does that make me an abuser? It was that or possibly die.
Either way the op's relationship was on a hiding to nowhere. She is better off away from someone she feels she has to lash out on.

ZingWidge · 14/07/2013 16:23

youthecat Grin Grin Grin Grin

Since watching The Big Bang Theory I've learnt so much!
Doppler Effect, Schrodinger's Cat and AFK to mention a few.

and the best one: BAZINGA!Grin

pictish · 14/07/2013 16:24

My situation involved a master goader. He would needle and needle and needle, getting more and more verbally aggressive and hateful, until he got the required result, and I reacted by going mad. Then he would tell me I was 'joining in' and 'loving it'.

I was not allowed to ignore him or walk away. If I left the house, he would put it on simmer until I came back. His capacity for creating merry Hell out of nothing at his whim, was awesome.

If he wanted a rammy he would get it at any cost. Even to that of my sanity...which on two seperate occasions resulted in my hitting him.

I am not proud. I look back on it and shudder.
If Women's Aid say I'm ok, that I'm an articulate, sensible and reasonable person, and that I'm a good mum - I'm going to go with that. No matter what any of you have to say about it.

They told me that in cases where women are facing court over violence towards their partners, far more often than not, it will come to light that she herself is the victim of a catalogue of domestic abuse, leading up to the point where she could take no more, and snapped.

That's what happened to me. Don't believe me? That's ok - I don't need you to. I believe me, and I too discount the opinions of those who call a victim of EA driven to the edge of reason, an abuser.

toffeelolly · 14/07/2013 16:24

Get rid ASAP. But you should not have slapped him. He sounds rather childish.

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 16:26

I am frequently AFK. Grin

Exactly what Pictish said.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2013 16:38

YouTheCat
"Sounds like a duck, walks like a duck - it's a duck."

But you have extrapolated this from the OP's posts and your own experience.

that doesn't make it the truth.

YouTheCat · 14/07/2013 16:41

I have surmised from the OP, not from my own experience, which was a little different from OP's.

Calling someone who is clearly upset (and also apologetic about the slap) an abuser is not helpful or necessary.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/07/2013 16:43

You both have a lot of growing up to do and are well rid of each other.

CSIJanner · 14/07/2013 16:43

He doesn't like you to be with your friends = unreasonable

You slapped = very unreasonable

He drove home drunk = bloody unreasonable

Take some time for yourself, spend time with your friends, enjoy life and notch it up to experience. I think in this case, you weren't compatible.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/07/2013 16:45

And abusers know it's wrong and beg foriveness and cry and promise never to to it again You

Crinkle77 · 14/07/2013 16:48

It sounds like you have had a lucky escape

digerd · 14/07/2013 16:48

He sounds so needy, sulky and bad-tempered. Do you really want that kind of man?

QuintessentialOldDear · 14/07/2013 16:53

You seriously do NOT WANT TO BE WITH THIS MAN!

I think you have had a very lucky escape. There are so many red flags here. He is unpleasant, moody, sulky, jealous and controlling.
Forgive you? For what? Having friends? He should be lucky if you forgave him his controlling and sulky behaviour! IT is not on!

I cant think of any positive side that could possibly outweigh any of the above.