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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not promise my MIL set "visiting rights" to my baby?

248 replies

Moominmamma86 · 14/07/2013 01:51

I had my first baby ten months ago and I've just gone back to work two days a week for now. I'm really lucky that my mum is happy to look after my ds and I'm comfortable with that arrangement both because I'm close to my mum and have a good relationship with her where we can talk things over re childcare issues and she is non-pushy about things, and also because DS is very happy with her.

My MIL lives two hours away and I don't know her very well partly because I'd only been with DP for a year when I unexpectedly fell pregnant. I find her quite difficult to relax around for various reasons but I do want her to feel involved as well. Just to give an idea of how the background, since ds was born we've visited them twice including over his first Christmas, been for a weeks' holiday to Scotland at the end of June. She/they have visited us on a number of other occasions too and overall we've probably seen them once a month or maybe a bit less. The reason I'm being so specific about that is that she is currently demanding that she can visit every four weeks. Obviously with the distance that means her staying in our flat and being there for several days at a time. We've arranged for her to come three weeks running in August (something she is happy to do) and look after my ds while I'm working.

I'm fine with her coming and staying, the problem is that I'm finding her general approach unacceptably pushy. She said to my DP that she wants to make sure she sees her grandson once a month so I called her to talk about it, and said we were looking forward to seeing her but could we keep the arrangement flexible, and make plans when we see her next. She just kept saying that she wanted to be sure to visit every four weeks and do the childcare and she felt that was a "reasonable expectation", so I felt backed into a corner. Eventually said that I didn't want to be pushed into committing to that and I "hoped that didn't sound horrible". She said she thought that was horrible, and we then had a stilted conversation about the weather and hung up.

I'm honestly not trying to stop her from seeing my ds but this has really put my back up, on top of the fact that she invites herself to stay and generally doesn't give me much choice about things (at least not without being rude myself). Recently I had plans with my family and she rang up on the tuesday of that week saying she wanted to come that weekend and it was just a really awkward position to be put in. And now of course I'm the bad guy for not agreeing to the once a month thing but I just don't want to set up that expectation as I feel we should be allowed to live our own lives and she should wait for an invitation. In practise we will see her more than once a month at times but other times it will be less and I don't see why I should be made to feel guilty about it.

Or am I being unreasonable? Should I just say yes?

OP posts:
Xales · 14/07/2013 13:16

I don't know if it has been mentioned can you meet her half way every so often? So an hours travel each, spend the day together and then go back home?

I would hate to give up my house for 3 days a month without any say or flexibility and would end up very resentful.

If you have plans and she says she is coming for several days say you won't be there.

Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 14/07/2013 13:23

That is so offensive! She DID come and stay with us that weekend and I didn't make a peep about it! But I did find it a bit much to call a few days in advance and just tell us she was visiting. My MIL is not trying to accomodate my rigidity, she is trying to impose her will. You have completely misread this in a very insulting way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 14/07/2013 13:24

I don't understand how quoting and responding works, sorry. That last message was addressed to a very rude message from quintessential old "dear".

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 14/07/2013 13:27

And by the way Quintessential Old "Dear" my sister sees her nephew less than my MIL sees so actually, the plan was for all of us to see her AS A FAMILY, plus seeing a very dear old family friend. The plan had been made several months in advance. And she did visit too and she did see her son and grandchild and I am just so cross with your nasty message which shows that you didn't even bother to read through what I have been saying properly before jumping in with both feet and having a pop at me.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 14/07/2013 13:34

She was another one for following from room to room and even used to get a muslin square and drape it over my shoulder strategically when I was feeding lol.

Shock The fact you got over this makes you a saint in my eyes. I think that's a totally, totally unforgivable thing for anyone to do. I wouldn't want my DC being raised to accept that sort of shite. The fact you were able to be the massive, giant, HUMUNGOUS bigger (wo)man leaves me in a bit of awe! Won't forget your username now! Grin I would have thrown the muslin in her face and called the cops. I am in a bit of awe tbh Blush

Sorry for the hijack, I had to comment on that one!

OP: What are your thoughts regarding your partner's attitude? I think that's a serious factor given he can't see why whilst you're both working, and she gets to stay and do the childcare she wants for a few weeks while you're on holiday, why you're 'mean' for not wanting to commit to having her stay a 'few' yeah sure a few days a MONTH to see DGC? I assume then of course on those days he'll take 100% responsibility for his DC and DM's amusement, plus all household cleaning?

Or is that all up to you while he stay at work and whines about his mothers happiness? With his finger up his arse

QuintessentialOldDear · 14/07/2013 13:40

I can see how communication between you and your Mil is breaking down quite clearly now. I dont think you will get the amicable relationship you say that you want.

Justfornowitwilldo · 14/07/2013 13:43

If you'd have posted 'my mother wants set "visiting rights"' with the same information you' have received a different response.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 14/07/2013 13:47

I can see how communication between you and your Mil is breaking down quite clearly now. I dont think you will get the amicable relationship you say that you want.

No need to be passive aggressive, this is MN. If you think OP has done something wrong, just say so. Ambiguous PA comments don't help, they just rile anyone up when a more forward answer most likely won't to a poster who seems reasonable enough, like OP.

Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 14/07/2013 14:09

Quintessential, you posted a very unpleasant message which upset me. And I am not aiming to have an amicable relationship with you, thank goodness.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldDear · 14/07/2013 14:17

Well, I think you come across as unreasonable. Even more so having seen how you respond to somebody not immediately agreeing with you.

And your tirade to me where you are throwing a strop, and having a repeated "go" at my username, calling me nasty on the basis of my opinion, I think it is perfectly clear that communication with you must be very difficult, which is highlighted with the last post to me which is a personal insult. Not called for at all.

You asked for opinions and viewpoints, I gave you mine based on what you have written. I did not expect a 3 post "barrage" of abuse.

Take from this what you want. I think your three posts to me have illuminating the problems you have with your MIL quite perfectly.

You are right about one thing though. I am not an "old dear". Wink

WinkyWinkola · 14/07/2013 14:33

Don't worry op. Quintessential is firmly in the mil camp on every thread no matter how toxic the mil.

QuintessentialOldDear · 14/07/2013 14:38

That is simply not true Winky.

AaDB · 14/07/2013 14:51

I think you sound reasonable Moomin. I would not agree to a strict 4 week timetable of visitation. Why can't your Oh take your LO top his DM's for every other visit? I would hate to be dictated to and would have the rage if DP didn't get involved.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2013 15:00

It's all sounding a bit one sided here OP

Would you be happy for your DP to tell your Mum she couldn't visit regularly?

Having said that, your DP should be getting more involved in this as it's his baby too.

Exhaustipated · 14/07/2013 15:01

I think that there is no way she should be so pushy. It is bizzare and YANBU at all about that.

However, you do seem to be talking a lot about you and your relationship with your MIL. I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that you haven't been with your partner for very long, but that attitude seems a little off to me. I think increasingly as your son gets older it will become about her relationship with your DS, and, although of course you need to agree (or not) with plans that are made, I would expect your DP to make these plans rather than you. Then there is less emphasis on your relationship with her/ your role in controlling het contact with her grandson.

Exhaustipated · 14/07/2013 15:10

Also, its always 'my' baby, rather than 'our' baby, I notice. Let your DP in a bit more and you might find life becomes a lot less stressful. I honestly mean this to be a help rather than a pointless dig.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 14/07/2013 15:18

Worra she isn't telling her MIL she can't visit regularly, not at all. She's said she is fine with that (more bloody fine than I'd be!), all she is saying is that she doesn't want a schedule set in stone - seems perfectly reasonable to me. In fact, seems more than reasonable.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 14/07/2013 15:19

Exhausted I think the fact the DP refuses to get involved WRT his mum doesn't help at all. :(

pianodoodle · 14/07/2013 15:23

What is it with these MILs at the minute?!

Weeping and wailing on one thread demanding "set days", calling DIL horrible and generally making a bloody nuisance of themselves. If you want to be part of a family then you put up with having the child's mother around and be nice first and foremost. She didn't do all that hard work to hand over a baby to someone who can't be bothered having a decent relationship with her before they start asking for the baby on set times/days and won't be told when it doesn't suit.

If their sons can't be arsed dealing with them (and often you can see why), then why should their son's wife?

My mum comes to visit and spends time with all of us and my husband is more than happy to see her because she makes an effort to get on well with him.

MIL not only makes me feel like a baby machine but makes her own son feel dismissed as well! She couldn't care less if she didn't see either of us as long as she gets plenty of photos of herself with DD to show to friends. The constant background chatter to me and DH is "I don't mind if you want to go out.." on repeat.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 14/07/2013 15:24

OP, I'd personally pull her up on telling you you're horrible for disagreeing (especially since you're saying: Yes we'll have you a few days a month, every month as a houseguest, I just don't want to have your timetable set in stone!)

You actually basically agreed with her, just not 100% on her terms and got told you were treating her horribly. Angry

Your partner really should tell her she can't speak to you like that - Especially as she's actually getting her own way FFS! -

Exhaustipated · 14/07/2013 15:28

Yes I see what you mean, but maybe it's because it's become the OP's thing to arrange this, and now DP is letting her get on with it.

Perhaps my wording was wrong- rather than letting him in, drag him in! Just tell him it's his area to sort out- it all needs to be discussed with you but then he can respond to his mother on behalf of both of you,thus keeping things btween you and MIL sweet, we hope!

Unless you actually want to have sole charge of these arrangements (genuine question) OP?

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2013 15:29

Worra she isn't telling her MIL she can't visit regularly, not at all. She's said she is fine with that (more bloody fine than I'd be!), all she is saying is that she doesn't want a schedule set in stone - seems perfectly reasonable to me. In fact, seems more than reasonable.

And I'd like to know if the OP would be happy for her DP to say the same thing to her Mum.

I'm not sure why the OP gets to make the decision here, especially when her DP isn't happy with it and thinks she's being men to his Mum.

Then again, he should probably get more involved in the conversations and decision making.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 14/07/2013 15:41

Perhaps my wording was wrong- rather than letting him in, drag him in! Just tell him it's his area to sort out

This OP!!! If he thinks you're so cruel, make a point of making it his sole responsibility to get MIL those cuppas and provide her with entertainment etc. If he protests this, call him on it. If he wants to argue you're being mean by disagreeing but also being mean by expecting him to spend time with his mum... Well... Actually not sure what to say other than you really need to talk to your DP about how his mum should be talking to him and he should be defending you when she says you're horrible (even if he agrees with her! The point is you and DS are his primary concern now) And then discuss and compromise with you. Him announcing you're wrong and deal with it just really isn't on.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/07/2013 15:54

OP

YANBU

I have 2 sons and I hear and understand all the arguments about fairness towards MILs, but she has approached this with a distinct lack of tact and sensitivity. I expected to feel sorry for her but I actually don't.

Your DP is being spineless, and I wonder if that's because the controllingness she's showing here has trained him well to not challenge her.

Musicaltheatremum · 14/07/2013 15:59

I can see where the OP is coming from. I wouldn't have wanted my mum or my MIL coming to a set schedule. My parents and my DHs mum had a life too so they were not always free every 4 weeks.

I read that she is happy to see her MiL regularly but doesn't want it set in stone and would rather say " oh we've been invited to such and such this weekend, can you come either the one before or after" or her MiL should be able to say "I've got something on this weekend so could I come the next one" without anyone feeling put out.

I would suggest that you say to your DP

I am happy to have your mum stay every few weeks for a couple of nights.
Could we plan the date of the next visit when she is visiting so we can look in our diaries and make sure other things don't clash.
If we get invited out somewhere can we alter the date of your mum's visit without being made to feel guilty. (You are not saying that her visit is unimportant but I imagine your social life isn't a whirl at the moment and it is nice to do other social events)

I think if families really care about each other they should allow for flexibility.

OP I hope I have got it right here.