To think that DP should be able to do everything I do re childcare

[hectorslarry]

Hi

I have a 4yo DD from a previous relationship and a 3 week old DD from this relationship. DP and i have been together for 3 and a half years. It's not been easy.

He goes out 4 nights a week (drinking) and works 7 days a week 6.30am-6.30pm. He occasionally gets a weekend off but it's been 6 weeks since his last day off. He takes all the overtime he can get to clear his mortgage out of arrears. We share my rented house atm because his own (mortgaged) house is 70 miles away from work family etc.

I have not had a night out with friends in 10 months. I was working nightshift before I went on maternity leave and DD1 stayed at my grandparents house on the nights i was working because dp wouldn't do it (even though he wasn't working then, he only started this job in march) because it's not his kid. His words.

When I went on maternity leave i had 1 night at the cinema and that was because my mum watched DD1 while I went.

DD2 arrived 3 weeks ago and he missed the birth because he was out and wouldn't answer his phone. He has been out most nights since she was born, has not fed her, bathed her, changed her or anything and does nothing housework wise to help me. He just keeps going on about how hard he's got it working all day and how easy I've got it 'lying in my bed all day'. Yes of course I do. The kids look after themselves and the housework fairies appear to clean and make dinner.

I was supposed to be going out with my friends tonight. It's been planned for months because we live so far apart and they were making the effort to travel here and booked a hotel to stay in. I was so looking forward to it. I've spent the day worried sick about leaving the kids with him. He has no idea how to change an nappy, make a bottle or get babies wind up. I asked him when he got in an hour ago (earlier than usual tonight) to give DD2 a bottle whilst I got ready and he refused. Said he didn't know how to and wouldn't do it. I asked him what he was going to do when I was out and he said he was just going to wait until I came home until she was fed, bathed, changed etc.

I'm really upset. Obviously I can't go out now so I've phoned my friends to tell them and they are fuming. They spent a fortune on travel hotels etc to come and see me and it's been a waste of time. I can't even invite them round here because they don't get on with DP even though he's now away out for the 5th night in a row. It's going to take a while to repair my friendship and they were the only friends I've got.

AIBU to have expected a night out only 3 weeks after DD2 was born?

AIBU to expect DP to do child related stuff even though he works all day?

When your DCs were born did your partner help and do stuff? Or is this normal? I honestly don't know because with DD1 i done everything because she was my child.

I think he should be able to do everything I do and we should take it in turns to do feeds and nappy changes etc. He doesn't understand why he has to and why he shouldn't be going out 4 nights a week. I think that's too much and maybe once a month is acceptable when you have a baby. He says that's acceptable for mums but not dad's. Why should dad's have to stay in the house too? How do I answer that question?

I'm pretty much a single parent. I sometimes think it would be easier for me to kick him out and do it myself.

The problem with so many medical students is, no, they're not stupid, academically they are very intelligent.
What they do lack is any people and social skills, I sometimes think in this they should have classes on their own.

Fuck, sorry, wrong thread

Thanks everyone I'm ok today. Been into town and met up with my friends before they went home again. They are alright now they know and understand how hard it's been for me. When I tried to tell them before they weren't supportive and just brought it back to themselves and how amazing their lives are compared to mine. That's the last thing I've needed to hear the past few months but they were very understanding today and can see I'm at the end of my tether so they will be in touch more.

I am not going to move out of this house. He said he's coming to get the baby when he finishes work but I'm going out again so im not here and I won't answer my phone to him. I'll go to my mums for the night

He's threatening you and throwing his weight around.
He has shown absolutely no interest in his baby so far, but now you have had enough it's all about him and his role as a father is it?

Good plan. Follow it.

He's coming to get the baby that he never looks after?

Good shout going to your mum's get locks changed ASAP and maybe contact police for advice regarding his threat and make it clear to them he is not allowed into your house!

sorry OP but he is just using you for somewhere to live while he clears his mortgage. He is a twat and you need to get rid.

Are you sure that's safe? Considering he was threatening suicide earlier? I don't want to be alarmist but people do harm babies when under duress.

It's not exactly un-heard of is it.

Fluffy she's not letting him take the baby, she's going to her mum's.

OP good plan - you might want to get something long term in place though. How do you think he will react when he realises you're not going to lie down and let him walk all over you any more? Do you think he will give up or try harder?

Oh right. Sorry about that.

Good idea to go to your mum's. Can you leave his stuff outside the door and double lock it or somehow make it secure so he can't actually get inside?

I echo what all the others have said about needing to get this man out of your life & I salute your bravery in standing up to him. He is likely to turn up the heat over the coming days if emotional blackmail and threats have worked in the past, but it sounds like you are wising up to him. Stick to your guns! He sounds like a massive drain on your emotional energy, so no wonder you feel tired and flat, but things will improve. Have faith in your own capabilities - you're already doing it single-handed, it just doesn't look like it from the outside. In other words, you can do this - you just need to believe it. Take care.

Hello OP
Congrats on DD2

Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread into our relationships topic won't you?

DD1 stayed at my grandparents house on the nights i was working because dp wouldn't do it (even though he wasn't working then, he only started this job in march) because it's not his kid. His words.

That attitude would have meant we did not make a baby together if DP had been like that. Quite honestly, it was the attention and care he gave my DD that made me love him.

I had DD2, then had DS 54 weeks later. When DS was 3 month old I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery. I was in there for a week. I had no concerns about all three DCs though, as DP was very much involved in the routines and their lives, in spite of working full time.

Get rid!

he sounds like a functioning alcoholic, how can he work after al the drinking he does. alsi, his work mates seem to be enabling his awful selfish behaviour by dropping him at the pub every night. I would be surprised if his performance at work isnt affected by his drinking & over working. Is he renting his own house out & living with you? why are you qith someone who refuses to babysit your child because he isnt thw bioligical farher?

Sorry, posted before reading the whole thread, had only read the OP. I see now you have got rid. Stay strong. You have done the right thing.

Thank fuck you've thrown him out.

Get your tax credits and whatnot sorted in the morning.

He's gone.

You owe him nothing. £100? That's a start and the CSA can talk with him about the rest.

What a cunt.

Do not give him access to the baby op. he doesn't know how to care for her (by his own admission) and he's not stable at the moment. If he wants to see dd (and you want to let him) then see him with her at neutral ground, eg your mum's. With your mum in the house. Don't be on your own with him or let him have the baby on his own for now.

You are doing great.

Is his name on the baby's birth certificate? If not, you're not married, so he has no access rights until courts decide otherwise, surely?

hectorslarry just to delurk to say I think you are remarkable too Don't let him wheedle his way back, change the locks (his name is not on the tenancy, so he has no right to be there], kick him to the kerb.

And if you are worried about being a single parent - don't be, you have been a single parent all this time & you didn't even know it, AND you had to cope all by yourself with less money, and with this idiot as well - you can now claim your benefits while you get back on your feet, and look after your kids without having to look after this using manchild as well.

You should feel very proud of yourself

He is Cocklodger Extraordinaire.

Well done for getting shot of him. While you are still fired up and riding the high of getting him gone, please take a little time to cover your back. Speak to the HV and the midwife as I assume with a 3 week old you'll still be under them? Let them know the bones of the situation and ask them to record that they've talked with you about it. Go to Women's Aid and have a similar chat to them, both about seeking practical advice for you now and to get his behaviour noted. Show them his texts if you feel like you need something tangible to back up what you are saying to them. When you have your 6 week check with your GP, tell them as well. Get his behaviour and your reaction to it noted in as many places as you can.

I'm not trying to be alarmist. I really wish someone had told me to do all this when I left my ex, it would have made the later years so much easier if it had been documented at the time. As it was, I was just so relieved to be free of him I didn't think ahead. Now I'm £2k down in solicitors fees because he has decided to show up wanting joint residency after years of seeing the DC once a year if that. If I had done the rounds of GP, HV and WA back then, his behaviour would have been on record and I might have been able to get legal aid.

You will always have a tie to this 'man' because you have a child together. He may not be interested in the child now, but a 10 year old who requires a lot less active looking after, who can be shown off and make him look good might become an attractive prospect in years to come and he might come back wanting a lot more contact than you and DC are comfortable with. If his abuse of you (and it is abuse, regardless of whether he raised a hand to you or not) is noted down in all the official places, it can only strengthen your case if you don't agree with what he is demanding.

With any luck, you will never need to refer to any of it, but it is better by far to have it there on file should you need it, than hope for the best and be screwed over because it ends up being your word against his.

I'm de-lurking too to just chip in with support. You've made the biggest decision, and that is brilliant, for you and your DC.

It won't be a bed of roses from now on though, so be prepared for some tough times ahead. He's clearly not ashamed to wheedle, whine, pout and generally behave like a brat to try to get his own way, but you know all that, and you can absolutely stay above it. Print out this thread and keep it on your fridge so you never doubt that your choice was the right one!

Also yy to the practical suggestions from TooClassToGrass and others above - you need to focus on yourself now, and your daughters, and be smart and strong for you all. Good luck.

Hi Hector just wondered how you are getting along a couple of weeks down the road. Hoping to hear that you and your DD's are doing well!

Erm nope! He sounds like a jackass! My husband even worked while carrying our DS in a sling because I was poorly with PND. He has done baths, bottles, windings, dressed, bedtimes etc since both my kids were born and DD was breastfed but he still did night feeds with expressed milk. Your OH sounds like a complete waste of time and space!

I'm a bloke and can confirm that any idiot can do all of the above. YANBU.