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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think that DP should be able to do everything I do re childcare

225 replies

hectorslarry · 13/07/2013 17:58

Hi

I have a 4yo DD from a previous relationship and a 3 week old DD from this relationship. DP and i have been together for 3 and a half years. It's not been easy.

He goes out 4 nights a week (drinking) and works 7 days a week 6.30am-6.30pm. He occasionally gets a weekend off but it's been 6 weeks since his last day off. He takes all the overtime he can get to clear his mortgage out of arrears. We share my rented house atm because his own (mortgaged) house is 70 miles away from work family etc.

I have not had a night out with friends in 10 months. I was working nightshift before I went on maternity leave and DD1 stayed at my grandparents house on the nights i was working because dp wouldn't do it (even though he wasn't working then, he only started this job in march) because it's not his kid. His words.

When I went on maternity leave i had 1 night at the cinema and that was because my mum watched DD1 while I went.

DD2 arrived 3 weeks ago and he missed the birth because he was out and wouldn't answer his phone. He has been out most nights since she was born, has not fed her, bathed her, changed her or anything and does nothing housework wise to help me. He just keeps going on about how hard he's got it working all day and how easy I've got it 'lying in my bed all day'. Yes of course I do. The kids look after themselves and the housework fairies appear to clean and make dinner.

I was supposed to be going out with my friends tonight. It's been planned for months because we live so far apart and they were making the effort to travel here and booked a hotel to stay in. I was so looking forward to it. I've spent the day worried sick about leaving the kids with him. He has no idea how to change an nappy, make a bottle or get babies wind up. I asked him when he got in an hour ago (earlier than usual tonight) to give DD2 a bottle whilst I got ready and he refused. Said he didn't know how to and wouldn't do it. I asked him what he was going to do when I was out and he said he was just going to wait until I came home until she was fed, bathed, changed etc.

I'm really upset. Obviously I can't go out now so I've phoned my friends to tell them and they are fuming. They spent a fortune on travel hotels etc to come and see me and it's been a waste of time. I can't even invite them round here because they don't get on with DP even though he's now away out for the 5th night in a row. It's going to take a while to repair my friendship and they were the only friends I've got.

AIBU to have expected a night out only 3 weeks after DD2 was born?

AIBU to expect DP to do child related stuff even though he works all day?

When your DCs were born did your partner help and do stuff? Or is this normal? I honestly don't know because with DD1 i done everything because she was my child.

I think he should be able to do everything I do and we should take it in turns to do feeds and nappy changes etc. He doesn't understand why he has to and why he shouldn't be going out 4 nights a week. I think that's too much and maybe once a month is acceptable when you have a baby. He says that's acceptable for mums but not dad's. Why should dad's have to stay in the house too? How do I answer that question?

I'm pretty much a single parent. I sometimes think it would be easier for me to kick him out and do it myself.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 13/07/2013 19:47

Do your friends realise how isolated this man has made you? Call your mum, anyone. Police if he won't go. What an awful situation for you to be in. Sad

Please ask for help. I hope your ok.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/07/2013 19:54

Why the fuck did you have a baby with him when he is so awful about your DD?

You should just have gone, he would have managed.

My DH is just as able to take care of our children as I am, except for the breastfeeding.

FobblyWoof · 13/07/2013 19:56

Not normal. Not even a tiny bit normal.

His original refusal to look after 4yo DD while you worked should have rung serious alarm bells. Why would you want to be with someone who is unwilling to treat her as he would his own? It's just simply not acceptable.

This man is misogynistic in the extreme. 'okay for mums, but not ok for dads'. Do fuck off (your 'D'P, not you).

This man isn't good for you and he isn't good for your children. He's made it clear that he is simply unwilling to do anything for them and this will not improve. Not with you nagging, not with you begging. Nothing. So you have a choice now- put up with him exactly as he is or chuck him. I can't really see another way.

YoniBottsBumgina · 13/07/2013 19:56

Just as a contrast, my DP is not my DS's father, yet from the start of our relationship he understood that we come as a package, that there was no relationship with me if he wasn't prepared to build a relationship with DS as well. And he did, by the time he moved in I could easily trust him to look after DS as well as I could, sincehe did move in he has seen him as both of our responsibilities. There have never been any comments about DS being mine, he is ours. And, honestly, I don't think it's fair on a child to accept less than this - even if the child has an active relationship with their other parent the new partner should consider him/her part of his family as a step son or daughter. He can't just push her out like she's some rejected first attempt :(

FobblyWoof · 13/07/2013 19:58

Read my post back and it sounds really harsh. Sorry OP, not the way I meant it. I just don't want you trying to convince yourself that he'll change and improve.

crashdoll · 13/07/2013 19:58

I feel really sad and angry for you. You seem like a lovely person and he's a fuckwit who doesn't deserve you. Sad As he's doing sweet FA to help out with the baby and financially, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by kicking him out. You all deserve 10000000 times better. Thanks

Hamwidgeandcheps · 13/07/2013 19:58

Are you ok op?
He is a massive tool.

YoniBottsBumgina · 13/07/2013 20:02

And just to add, this wasn't a conversation that we had, we didn't need to - it was just so obvious to him that DS was a big part of ny life and we couldn't just be separated out. This is what normal, healthy, thoughtful men think like. Don't be fooled onto thinking that men are some emotionally stunted "other" who aren't capable of this kind of thought, they are, it's just some people are wankers and unfortunately, you held onto one hoping he would change.

KirjavaTheCat · 13/07/2013 20:02

He sounds like a classic user OP. Keep the thread updated and don't hesitate to call the police if he makes a drunken scene.

Will your friends understand if you told them what you are planning to do tonight? You should have someone there with you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/07/2013 20:09

Please contact your friends and tell them what is happening.

And if it is your house then he has no right to be there, and if he refuses to leave you can call the police.
He is only there so that he can clear his arrears, and then he will be off like a shot.

Holliewantstobehot · 13/07/2013 20:12

sorry to hijack the thread but yoni you have just sparked a little hope in me - I am lone parent but am anxious about dating because of my dcs - I hope I find someone as wonderful as your man!!#

OP - he sounds like a wanker - that's because he is a wanker - hope you can get rid of him quickly and move forward with your life.

SueDoku · 13/07/2013 20:12

Have my very first LTB.

He is not worth your spit. Get the locks changed asap so that he cannot get back in.

SquinkiesRule · 13/07/2013 20:14

Cocklodger alert!
So sorry you have ended up with this loser OP. You are defiantly better of without him. He is useless. He sghould be paying his way. At least you'll get some child support money if he's moved out.
Get someone round so you have back up if he gets arsey about having to leave.

SelectAUserName · 13/07/2013 20:14

If I were one of your friends, had gone to the troubles your friends have and then got the message "I'm sorry I can't come, 'D'P won't look after the baby", I'd be mighty pissed off and would go on the night out without you.

If I were your friend and got the subsequent message "Actually I'm at the end of my tether, I can't take any more with this selfish arse, he's ruining my life, I'm going to try and throw him out tonight but I'm scared he won't go, please would you help me?" I'd be round at your place as fast as the first taxi could carry me.

Ring your friends, OP, and be as honest with them as you feel comfortable with. I'd be very surprised and disappointed if they didn't try to help you.

twinklyfingers · 13/07/2013 20:19

You are making the right decision in getting him to leave. He sounds truly awful. It is not normal or acceptable to have a family with someone and expect them to take all responsibility for that family. You will be better off without him - you're already doing all the work, you just have a horrible, selfish man lodging with you too. Get rid!

Good luck, I hope you've managed to contact your friends or your mum or someone to support you.

formicadinosaur · 13/07/2013 20:20

You need to show him this thread.

Hes not normal. He should be changing nappies, bonding, feeding, supporting you etc. instead he is living a single life. He is very selfish not to think of your need for respite.

You need to teach him all the parenting aspects and then let him get on with it.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 13/07/2013 20:23

Don't show him this thread. Keep your cards and your support network close to your chest.

He knows he is being a twat. He laughs in your face when you ask I'm to leave.

Please call woman's aid when you are alone for advice. Good luck.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 13/07/2013 20:24

When you ask him to leave.

Rummikub · 13/07/2013 20:29

Agree don't show him the thread. He won't change, he doesn't care. Stay safe please. Worried about you.

Debsndan · 13/07/2013 20:30

Text your friends exactly what you've told us, especially about how he won't leave and then beg them to come round. If they're your friends they'll be as horrified as we are.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 13/07/2013 20:37

I got a third of the way through the OP before thinking LTB.

He is a massive tool. Change the locks, dump his stuff at the front and live a happier, richer, less stressed life with your lovely DCs Flowers

laeiou · 13/07/2013 20:37

At his age he won't change. It's really sad that he doesn't want to be involved in family life. Hopefully that'll make it easier for you to get rid of him. If anything you'll be better off, both financially and generally. All this business about his house being so far from work etc- not your problem.

Original poster
hectorslarry · 13/07/2013 20:38

Hes back. I've used some of this thread as my speech telling him to fuck off.

He will not leave. His name is not on the tenancy agreement and he doesn't understand why he should leave because he gave me a loan of £100 today so I wasn't short of my rent. I won't be able to pay him back until next Friday.

I've decided that I will go. I'll find somewhere else to live ASAP.

It's the only way I will ever be shot of him.

I didn't even realise that him not doing anything with DD1 was a red flag. I wouldn't expect another man to bring up my child i felt lucky enough to have anyone interested in the first place. I'm not a looker at all im fat and could do with a haircut and new wardrobe.

I can't wait to lose all the weight and start being more confident. I'm sure I'll meet someone new in the coming years

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 13/07/2013 20:39

HE SHOULD BE LEAVING NOT YOU. Flowers [hugs]

RhondaJean · 13/07/2013 20:42

It is very rare these days that I get angry at a post on here but hector I am furious for you. Really furious.

I could add stories of how my own less than perfect DH managed to be just as good as I am at looking after our children but you don't need to hear that.

This man has no respect for you. He is a fucking joke of a man. In fact he doesn't even deserve to be called a man, it does most of them an injustice.

Is his name on the tenancy agreement? If not the police should help if he refuses to leave.