To think that DP should be able to do everything I do re childcare

[hectorslarry]

Hi

I have a 4yo DD from a previous relationship and a 3 week old DD from this relationship. DP and i have been together for 3 and a half years. It's not been easy.

He goes out 4 nights a week (drinking) and works 7 days a week 6.30am-6.30pm. He occasionally gets a weekend off but it's been 6 weeks since his last day off. He takes all the overtime he can get to clear his mortgage out of arrears. We share my rented house atm because his own (mortgaged) house is 70 miles away from work family etc.

I have not had a night out with friends in 10 months. I was working nightshift before I went on maternity leave and DD1 stayed at my grandparents house on the nights i was working because dp wouldn't do it (even though he wasn't working then, he only started this job in march) because it's not his kid. His words.

When I went on maternity leave i had 1 night at the cinema and that was because my mum watched DD1 while I went.

DD2 arrived 3 weeks ago and he missed the birth because he was out and wouldn't answer his phone. He has been out most nights since she was born, has not fed her, bathed her, changed her or anything and does nothing housework wise to help me. He just keeps going on about how hard he's got it working all day and how easy I've got it 'lying in my bed all day'. Yes of course I do. The kids look after themselves and the housework fairies appear to clean and make dinner.

I was supposed to be going out with my friends tonight. It's been planned for months because we live so far apart and they were making the effort to travel here and booked a hotel to stay in. I was so looking forward to it. I've spent the day worried sick about leaving the kids with him. He has no idea how to change an nappy, make a bottle or get babies wind up. I asked him when he got in an hour ago (earlier than usual tonight) to give DD2 a bottle whilst I got ready and he refused. Said he didn't know how to and wouldn't do it. I asked him what he was going to do when I was out and he said he was just going to wait until I came home until she was fed, bathed, changed etc.

I'm really upset. Obviously I can't go out now so I've phoned my friends to tell them and they are fuming. They spent a fortune on travel hotels etc to come and see me and it's been a waste of time. I can't even invite them round here because they don't get on with DP even though he's now away out for the 5th night in a row. It's going to take a while to repair my friendship and they were the only friends I've got.

AIBU to have expected a night out only 3 weeks after DD2 was born?

AIBU to expect DP to do child related stuff even though he works all day?

When your DCs were born did your partner help and do stuff? Or is this normal? I honestly don't know because with DD1 i done everything because she was my child.

I think he should be able to do everything I do and we should take it in turns to do feeds and nappy changes etc. He doesn't understand why he has to and why he shouldn't be going out 4 nights a week. I think that's too much and maybe once a month is acceptable when you have a baby. He says that's acceptable for mums but not dad's. Why should dad's have to stay in the house too? How do I answer that question?

I'm pretty much a single parent. I sometimes think it would be easier for me to kick him out and do it myself.

Well done OP

Change the locks and call the police if he starts hassling you

Get onto the csa re child maintenance and also sort any benefits as well

Its going to be hard but you have been a single mum from day 1 and you have made the right decision here for you and your kids

Call CSA tomorrow, they're open weekends.

Call tax credits on Monday, & let your council tax know you're a single adult living in that flat so you get the discount.

Don't pay him back the £100 either, you're on your own bringing up two children one of which is his.

It's difficult for me as DD is EBF and I have CP, so no I can't do everything my DW does.

But with regard to your specific circumstances, I got as far as 'DD2 arrived 3 weeks ago and he missed the birth because he was out and wouldn't answer his phone' and shat myself with anger - this guy needs to either buck his ideas up or get the fuck out of your house.

I see I am late to the pardy. Good on you OP. Start afresh.

I'm not going to be the another one to say 'poor OP' because whilst your experience is awful, what you've done by kicking him out is an incredibly brave and strong step towards your new life.

You're only 3 weeks post partum and you have a 4 year old. You could sit back and say nothing, make excuses for him and think that you deserve this treatment in a hormone induced fog. Instead, you're standing up and saying to hell with him - that to me says that you know what you're worth and won't put up with this bull shit, a sign of someone incredibly strong.

I think you are remarkable.

Get as far away from this cunt (and I rarely use that word!) as possible. Enlist the help of any close family and friends as the days go by. Never let anyone convince you you need a man in your life to support you. You don't. The only thing your babies need is you, and your strength. Keep it up for them.

We're all here for you xxxx

I also thought the OP was a joke of some sort to write about the most useless man possible. Do not let him back into your house.

You were really brave last night Hector. This is what your children need. Now you've got him out, you need to keep him out to give you some space to think and plan. Work out an arrangement for him to have his stuff so he doesn't need to keep bothering you.

I hope you got some rest last night and that you feel brave for this new day ahead. It's the first day of the rest of your life.

Could the girls come round for a cuppa before they head back?

Have you told your mum?

Good luck. Well done for standing up for yourself.

Where in the country are you? If you're close to London I'd be more than happy to give RL support, I remember how low I felt when I left XP. Feel free to PM if you want any help at all.

You do not need a man, what you need is time to get back to being you. And for the love of god, don't leave your house, he's the one in the wrong. Consider this the first step in reclaiming your life.

Stay strong hector.
Get the locks changed.
Pack up all his stuff and put it in the hall/his car.
Get as much financial info together as you can - his wages, his mortgage, what bills and utilities are in whose name etc. put it all in a safe place
Close any joint account or cards you have
If you and any of the kids have passports put than in a very are hiding place, plus birth certificates etc
Call your friends, explain you need support
Call your family, tell them the same.

Stop thinking about nights out and finding a new boyfriend. That's not important right now. What is important is creating a safe, secure happy home for your children, and you holding onto every bit of strength you have to think clearly, sort out your finances, and move forward.

Only good things can come of getting rid of him, only bad things can come if you take him back.

Just a reminder- you don't need his agreement or permission to split. You tell him, and if he causes trouble then show him you mean it. Don't get into conversation, just say one or two phrases like "it's over, you don't live here." Call the police if you feel threatened. And please tell your friends and family.

Also, practical stuff. Tell people you're a single mum- benefits, council tax, tax credits etc. Tell your HV. She may be able to offer extra support. You may get extra nursery time for your 4yo.You're doing great. Expect the odd wobble, but since you've been doing everything yourself, life will be easier without him. It sounds like the only reason he's been staying with you is for his own convenience (sorry) so he may try the guilt trip tactics, but dont feel sorry for him. Think about your family of 3.

Wow well done OP!

That's a great idea to invite your friends over for tea to apologise and explain (although of course you have nothing to apologise for, it seems as though they might not have got the full picture, of they were angry at you?)

As for moving forward, you have done so fantastically but I am afraid the worst is not over yet. You said earlier that you felt you might let him back after a week. So, let's make a plan to make sure this doesn't happen. We know he will try every technique, from sobbing and telling you he will change, promising vague things like "i will be better" "We can be a proper family" or specific things like saying he's finding out about baby care.

To counter these remember - if he's beong vague, he doesn't even know what it is he's supposed to be doing. He is making promises which he thinks sound good /what he thinks you want to hear but he has no serious intent to change. He doesn't actually think he's done anything wrong.

If he is being specific, offering things like couples counselling, parenting classes, to learn x, y, z, ask yourself why, if he knew what was required of him, why he has never bothered before. He couldn't even he bothered to come to the birth of his own child :( again, ask yourself if he will really follow it through once the shock of you kicking him out has worn off and he has started to get comfortable in your home again. I think not - I think if he had it in him he would have done it from the start and demonstrated it with your DD. I reckon hr will make a big show of it and then it will peter out and you will be left hanging on to this thread of "but he was a good father, he can do it again!"

The other persuasion he will probably try to use is threats - he's never been violent to you so I doubt it would be threats of violence, he will most likely go for the guilt inducing threats instead, either I can't live without you, I may as well kill myself type threats, or well I'm not going to see my child and it will be all your fault. (or) I'm going to fight you for custody, you can't stop me.

Again, ignore, ignore. It's totally his choice whether he sees his DC or not, you have no control over this and if he tries to make you feel like you do, he is manipulating you. Unfortunately for your DD1 I suspect he won't bother to see her at all. She probably will be upset because of course he has been a major figure in her life, but think about the arguments affecting her, think about her growing up always being the reject of the family, think about how little he cares for her if he can't even bring himself to break the bond slowly. She deserves to be free of that.

Oh, well done Hectorslarry!

Just be strong. Concentrate on your children. Your poor dd, feeling like her 'daddy' doesn't want her there. That he wouldn't help with her care must have made her feel awful. And to see you so sad too.

Onwards and upwards. There's a bright future there, just waiting for you.

Well done! I was worried you'd have left the house yourself. That's brilliant news :)

Definitely make sure the rest of his stuff is packed up and off the property and do everything you can to look after yourself.

X

Hector - people who arnt model perfect have happy non abusive relationships
Millions of men and women take on step children and love and care for them as their own.
You have been incredibly strong.
And you have lost the weight - 12 st of manchild

Your DD was 6 months old when you met him - how can he not feel like her Dad :( Mind you - he's not much different with his own DD.

You will be FAR better off without him.

I hope you have phoned your friends, told them what has happened and can spend today with them. If they don't even want to do that - then I think it's time for new friends while you are at it!

agree with hamwidgegreat name btw

also to those saying change the locks... its not always that simple. i dont think most renters can just "change the locks" without first getting the landlords/letting agents (or whoever) permission first.

hector i would ask for his key back when he comes to pick up his stuff. if he refuses, contact your LL/LA as soon as possible to let them know you need the locks changed.

good luck. remember... we're here if you need to talk/rant/rage

Well done OP- you are strong to have taken action las night. Remember that.

He doesn't want your love, he's been using your flat as a hostel which he has no right to do. He has his own house to go to.

Remind yourself you are a strong, independent woman. You don't need him squatting in your flat. You have the love of your DDs.

You are strong and you will not buckle.

I had the change the locks at my rented house. I called the landlord and said - look for various reasons I need to change the locks, is there a locksmith you prefer I use or is there much I need to know wrt make/type of lock etc. I was quite forthright about it. Ll response was - er.....I will send our locksmith this afternoon I has to pay but I got it discounted as it was through the ll it cost 60 quid inc vat

Well done OP! Getting rid of this waste of space is the best thing you could do for you and your daughters. I'm very impressed with your strength, not sure I could've done it 3 weeks postpartum, you should be very proud. Keep your friends and family close and let them support you, you don't need that loser in your life

why are you with him?

he as no redeeming features

honestly it makes me sad how some women put up with so litte

just get rid. you deserve so much better.

whoops should have read whole thread before postng

but was so outraged i couldnt help myself

am guessing she has got rid then

well done x

Yoni - your advice was spot on. Hes already tried the i will change tactic and now he's texting me suicide threats and telling me he's going for full custody. There's not a court in this country that would give him custody especially after they see the texts he sent threatening suicide. He done this last time we split too, he threatened suicide and the whole begging routine and i took him back. 3 days later it was back to normal.

He has never been violent towards me. We argue but he has never lifted his hand.

Hes an idiot and the only loser is him. I had an ok sleep last night but I feel so drained.

Hector I am no good at advice but I had to reply as this thread had me in tears. I am the same age as you and cannot imagine coping with the situation you are in. I was so pleased to see that you had thrown him out - by doing this you are showing your little girls that you are a strong woman who will protect them. Concentrate on yourself and your DD's, things will get better. You do NOT need this man in your lives he is a waste of skin and bone.
And I echo what others have said about CSA, he must be making decent money if he's working all those hours.
Take care, please keep us updated x