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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DP should be able to do everything I do re childcare

225 replies

hectorslarry · 13/07/2013 17:58

Hi

I have a 4yo DD from a previous relationship and a 3 week old DD from this relationship. DP and i have been together for 3 and a half years. It's not been easy.

He goes out 4 nights a week (drinking) and works 7 days a week 6.30am-6.30pm. He occasionally gets a weekend off but it's been 6 weeks since his last day off. He takes all the overtime he can get to clear his mortgage out of arrears. We share my rented house atm because his own (mortgaged) house is 70 miles away from work family etc.

I have not had a night out with friends in 10 months. I was working nightshift before I went on maternity leave and DD1 stayed at my grandparents house on the nights i was working because dp wouldn't do it (even though he wasn't working then, he only started this job in march) because it's not his kid. His words.

When I went on maternity leave i had 1 night at the cinema and that was because my mum watched DD1 while I went.

DD2 arrived 3 weeks ago and he missed the birth because he was out and wouldn't answer his phone. He has been out most nights since she was born, has not fed her, bathed her, changed her or anything and does nothing housework wise to help me. He just keeps going on about how hard he's got it working all day and how easy I've got it 'lying in my bed all day'. Yes of course I do. The kids look after themselves and the housework fairies appear to clean and make dinner.

I was supposed to be going out with my friends tonight. It's been planned for months because we live so far apart and they were making the effort to travel here and booked a hotel to stay in. I was so looking forward to it. I've spent the day worried sick about leaving the kids with him. He has no idea how to change an nappy, make a bottle or get babies wind up. I asked him when he got in an hour ago (earlier than usual tonight) to give DD2 a bottle whilst I got ready and he refused. Said he didn't know how to and wouldn't do it. I asked him what he was going to do when I was out and he said he was just going to wait until I came home until she was fed, bathed, changed etc.

I'm really upset. Obviously I can't go out now so I've phoned my friends to tell them and they are fuming. They spent a fortune on travel hotels etc to come and see me and it's been a waste of time. I can't even invite them round here because they don't get on with DP even though he's now away out for the 5th night in a row. It's going to take a while to repair my friendship and they were the only friends I've got.

AIBU to have expected a night out only 3 weeks after DD2 was born?

AIBU to expect DP to do child related stuff even though he works all day?

When your DCs were born did your partner help and do stuff? Or is this normal? I honestly don't know because with DD1 i done everything because she was my child.

I think he should be able to do everything I do and we should take it in turns to do feeds and nappy changes etc. He doesn't understand why he has to and why he shouldn't be going out 4 nights a week. I think that's too much and maybe once a month is acceptable when you have a baby. He says that's acceptable for mums but not dad's. Why should dad's have to stay in the house too? How do I answer that question?

I'm pretty much a single parent. I sometimes think it would be easier for me to kick him out and do it myself.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 13/07/2013 21:13

You need back up. Have you called your mum? What right does he have to be in that house? Legally or otherwise.

KirjavaTheCat · 13/07/2013 21:14

Has he ever done anything to make you think things may get physical, if you confront him any further? Anything at all to make you feel unsafe?

Ezio · 13/07/2013 21:25

Call the police, its your place and he doesnt pay rent, and tell him to fuck his money, loan my arse.

If you leave, you'll be in lumber.

CSIJanner · 13/07/2013 21:31

DO NOT LEAVE. Call 101 and tell them that your now ex-partner is refusing to leave and its your home, your tenancy.

God knows what damage he'll do if you leave him there. And because your name is on the tenancy, you'll be liable for it.

Debsndan · 13/07/2013 21:33

OP, do you WANT to break up with him? It's all very wellus posting from our perspective with lots of Leave The Bastard etc, but you need to be ready too. At 3 weeks post partum that's v hard. I'm not saying that you shouldn't split - he sounds like a priceless cocklodger - but you have to do what's right for you right now, regardless of what we can see.

Jux · 13/07/2013 21:41

If he refuses to go, just call the cops to eject him. (You say it's your rented house? Lease/tenancy in your name only? No problem. Cops will get him out.)

Cakebaker35 · 13/07/2013 21:54

Goes out drinking 4 nights a week? Missed the birth?! Just unbelievably crap and not at all normal. What a total arse, sorry to say this but throw him out, you and your children will be better off without this idle idiot.

YoniBottsBumgina · 13/07/2013 21:59

Yes, it is fair to expect a future partner to bring up another man's child. Please expect more for your DD, she is not merely a responsibility, she is a person who deserves to have positive relationships with the people in her immediate family. No way is it fair on her to have a stepfather who thinks less of her because she is not related to him by blood.

zipzap · 13/07/2013 22:02

I would also draw up a list of all the money for bills and food and baby things that you spend that he doesn't contribute towards and tell him when he asks for the return of 'his' £100 that you're taking it as a first installment of the £xxx he owes you towards his share of living costs. And send him a bill for the rest. Plus sign up with the csa ASAP so that they can backdate all your claims to now rather than a few months down the road. Ok so you might not get much out of him but anything has to be better than nothing and the only thing you do know is if you dont ask then you certainly won't get. At least this way there's a half chance you might get something.

And if you're kicking him out and his name isn't on the tenancy then I'd maybe not include rent in that if you can afford to so that he can't make any claim to rights to living there. But actually he should pay towards rent, he's taking the piss if he thinks he gets to live rent free especially if you've only had a baby 3 weeks ago.

Sounds like he was deliberately being obtrusive so that you couldn't see your friend's and he could go out again - he really doesn't care about you at all, only himself Sad

As others have said, please tell your friend's now exactly what has happened and I'm sure they will come to your aid and be thrilled you are lthrowing him out and that they have been the catalyst for this

(and apologies if I've missed some developments, I've been trying to post this for over an hour and the dc keep popping up out of bf as it's so hot!)

pianodoodle · 13/07/2013 22:17

Please don't leave! He would prefer to have children got out of bed to leave their own home rather than to leave himself, that is how vile and selfish he is.

Call the police please it is your house he has no right to be there if you don't want him to be and how dare he not go! Let him whistle for his money, it was a lot less than he should have given you never mind "loaned"

He's total scum.

Rummikub · 13/07/2013 22:25

How you doing hectors?

Original poster
hectorslarry · 13/07/2013 22:57

Hi im back.

I threatened to call the police and hes left. He took stuff for work tomorrow so I know he won't be coming back tonight. I'm feeling a bit strange now but I really hope he doesn't kick off and move back in again and refuse to leave permanently.

At the moment, I want to split and do this myself.

Who knows what will happen in the future. I can't see him changing.

I love my children more than anything in the world and I need them to see me happy and smiling. Not stressed and crying all the time. DD1 is really bright for her age and is picking up on the arguments and tension. She keeps asking why daddy doesn't want us here and it breaks my heart. I need to do this for them

OP posts:
RobotBananas · 13/07/2013 23:04

Well done! Flowers
Are you able to get the locks changed? He's not legally allowed in your house, so don't let him back him. Bag up all his stuff so there's no excuse for him to be there.

Ezio · 13/07/2013 23:05

Hector, he cant come back if you dont want him too, if he tries call the police.

foreverondiet · 13/07/2013 23:05

Totally not acceptable. Reasonable to expect to go out with friends - and totally unreasonable for him to:
A) not know how to care for his baby - ie feeds nappies
B) go out (at this stage) more than about once a week - he should be coming home to help each evening - and even then if he has one night off - then so should you!
C) not help more with your older DD.

You need to have a frank discussion with him as he is being a complete wanker and you need to question whether you would be better off without him.

I have a little sympathy about the overtime to clear mortgage if this improves financial position but no sympathy for any of the socialising.

JollyShortGiant · 13/07/2013 23:13

Hope you're okay op

LunaticFringe · 13/07/2013 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScariestFairyByFar · 13/07/2013 23:16

Get the locks changed tomorrow he's not on the tenancy so he has no right to be there. If you have no money I'm sure you could phone round local lock smiths and tell them you need your abusive xp out and see if they'd let you pay it off a it a week or if your landlord will do it and add it to your rent.

PosyNarker · 13/07/2013 23:17

Good to hear it HectorLarry

I will confess I thought your OP was a wind up because it sounded so awful. Your DP is an arse.

We have a house to run, long working hours and no DC but 4 nights out bevvying would still be totally unacceptable for either of us. I am not all about being joined at the hip, but I can't see why you would want to be in a live in relationship with someone and WOH 84 hrs then also spend 4 nights on the piss. You get what? 1 evening and 1 day a week? I wouldn't accept that as a long term arrangement and our shared responsibilities are purely house and moggy.

foreverondiet · 13/07/2013 23:17

Sorry posted before reading the whole thread. Agree with what everyone said - you can't leave until
Lease is up, and if you need to (I hope you don't) can get anti
Molestation order against him to he can't come round - hopefully the threat of that would be enough to deter him. I hope you have some support.

Rummikub · 13/07/2013 23:28

Well done hectors. You might feel shocked, probably hasn't sunk in yet. Try to rest, gather your strength and plan. Look after yourself Flowers

MrsOakenshield · 13/07/2013 23:28

just to say - you know you don't need a man in your life, don't you? Your post saying hopefully you'll meet someone lovely soon is alarming and suggestive of why you've ended up with this tosser.

Make a life for yourself and your children. Do not think you have to have a man through the door to make it work - you don't.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/07/2013 23:36

He's a parasite. Phone the tax credits on Monday and get your benefits back.

Change the barrell in the lock too, easily done and the LL can have a replacement key.

mayoandchips · 14/07/2013 00:05

well done OP. Be strong. I know all the drama is horrible but you WILL look back and be proud if you hold your head high.

You and your kids come first, don't let anything compromise that.

megsmouse · 14/07/2013 01:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.