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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friends DCs are going to struggle

91 replies

Palepinkflowerinsummer · 11/07/2013 22:19

Before I start, I realise that this has nothing to do with me and I obviously wouldn't say anything to my friend. However, I am wondering if perhaps she is doing the right thing or not. My DD is 14 months so I haven't got to that stage yet.

My friend has two DSs who are 3 and 3 months. The older DS is permitted to go to bed whenever he likes (he was in the garden until after 10 last night) eat whatever he wants, watch as much TV as he wants and generally makes his own decisions. My friend isn't lazy - far from it, she genuinely believes that in doing this bedtime won't be a battle and TV/sweet food won't be seen as a yearned for thing. She is planning to homeschool both DSs. Yesterday she said she was tired and she wished her DS would go to bed. I asked her if she would continue doing so when he's older and at school and she said she wasn't sending him to school.

I can understand where she is coming from - but what do other parents think? I can't help but think her children might struggle to live in the 'real' world where a routine of sorts is demanded from them - or do they just naturally find their own routine?

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 11/07/2013 22:26

I have friends who HE and whose children are very autonomous. They do find their own routines and turn out to be lovely, self directed, mature individuals (eventually). Until that point one or two are/were utterly self serving PITA's.
It wouldn't suit me (have had enough of mine by about 8 o'clock) but it seems to work long term.

themaltesecat · 11/07/2013 22:27

They'll be all right. Sounds like my childhood, and I grew up to be fucking fantastic.

FredFredGeorge · 11/07/2013 22:29

I think you're hugely overestimating how much of a "routine of sorts" is demanded in the "real" world. It all depends how important to you particular things are (also your skills, if you're particularly unblessed then you may well struggle more as your choice of jobs would be less).

Is it better to mould your world to fit with you, or mould you to fit with the world. People who do the former are generally found to be happier - although it depends on the amounts of change you need to make.

If you don't give your toddler freedom to choose their food or their activities or ... what do you give them the power over to learn the skills needed?

exoticfruits · 11/07/2013 22:29

Just as well she is planning to HE.

TravelinColour · 11/07/2013 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smartieaddict · 11/07/2013 22:30

Its not what I would do, but if she and her DC's are happy with it then that's great. Her children might struggle, and they might not, only time will tell, but the same is true of any children, however they are brought up.

Original poster
Palepinkflowerinsummer · 11/07/2013 22:32

Thanks. I suppose I can't help but wonder how they'll be when they do start work, if all their lives they've got up and gone to bed when they felt like it? I suppose that's a long way off, though :)

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 11/07/2013 22:33

I always find those types of parents fascinating. Just don't voice your opinion to them - and don't go on holiday with them!

BarbarianMum · 11/07/2013 22:34

My experience is similar to veltvetbee's (great name btw). I know 2 children who were parented this way - both are now great adults but were absolutely awful to be around (to the point where I used to dread their visits) til about 17/18.

As I'm sure they would have turned out wonderfully even with a few boundaries I am not at all convinced by such 'child led' parenting. For a start they wouldn't have been quite so friendless for the first 16 years if they'd been a bit easier to get along with.

themaltesecat · 11/07/2013 22:34

When they start work, they'll presumably be adults, therefore... getting up and going to bed whenever they feel like it.

I don't get your concern at all.

Hassled · 11/07/2013 22:35

I think lovely as the concept sounds, your friend needs to think about her own well-being here too. If she's never getting a break, if she has no control, if the running of the household is effectively being managed by a 3 year old - well, I can't see how that won't impact on her happiness.

My own DCs have always had a degree of routine imposed upon them (post the baby stage), and it's worked well for all of us, so I have an imagination-failure when it comes to a toddler roaming free in the garden at 10pm. But yes, I realise each to their own etc.

Original poster
Palepinkflowerinsummer · 11/07/2013 22:35

Oh no, I would never voice my opinion! And they are really lovely people. I suppose I just find it hard to have that amount of trust that my DD would choose the 'right' foods, bedtime or activities. I do understand the logic of it, but I'm just not completely sure how it fits into the real world.

OP posts:
weeblueberry · 11/07/2013 22:36

I wouldn't worry about them being adults. They'll go tro

weeblueberry · 11/07/2013 22:37

Oh piss off iPhone...

They'll go through a stage of going to bed at 3am and waking at midday either way. It's called being a teenager...

lottieandmia · 11/07/2013 22:37

I'm not usually judgy but research apparently shows that young children who go to bed late struggle academically. If she is home schooling though perhaps it won't present so much of a problem because the kids will have a different routine.

ConfusedPixie · 11/07/2013 22:38

I plan to he, but I don't think I'd like my (hypothetical) kids up at 10pm when I want a wine and cuddle with dp before bed! Though saying that, the child may well settle into a 'sleeping with the sun' type routine later on. If she can put up with it now and isn't too fussed and the child is happy and being cared for then it'll probably turn out alright.

Original poster
Palepinkflowerinsummer · 11/07/2013 22:38

Maltese, I suppose I wonder if they have had 18 years of getting up when they want to,going to bed when they like and so on, surely work is going to be an awful shock - and difficult to cope with? After all, you don't magically become equipped for work and one of the reasons we have bedtimes is to fit in with the expectations of school. Clearly this doesn't apply in my friends case as they will home school but at some point the boys will have to accept some sort of routine that may be at odds with the one they've grown up with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Palepinkflowerinsummer · 11/07/2013 22:39

But yes, true enough about teenagers!

OP posts:
nenevomito · 11/07/2013 22:41

I know someone similar, although not planning to home ed.

I think she's bonkers letting her kids stay up late. She thinks I'm bonkers for having a fixed bedtime routine in the early evening.

Either way both sets of kids will think they're hard done to when they get to their teenage years Grin.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 11/07/2013 22:44

I doubt the three year old is getting enough sleep, and there are health risks associated with that. I wouldn't think this is a great way to bring kids up tbh. There are other ways to give your kids autonomy besides letting them do things that are bad for their health because you believe in individual choice above all else.

Sheshelob · 11/07/2013 22:44

My mum didn't set bedtimes and I still struggle with my own bedtime. Having not had many boundaries as a kid, it can be very insecure. I used to play a game where I would ask my parents to tell me what to do, just to have some parameters.

I think free-parenting is problematic. And a bit arrogant, if I'm honest.

FredFredGeorge · 11/07/2013 22:56

research apparently shows that young children who go to bed late struggle academically

And research also shows that ice cream sales and drownings are strongly linked, unfortunately you cannot tell with either of these things if there's an actual causal relationship between the two, or some other factor...

Trying to pretend there's prove over a particular way of raising a child is better is a pretty silly road to go down, especially as there is very, very unlikely to be one correct method and it would highly depend on the individual.

VelvetSpoon · 11/07/2013 23:02

As a parent of 2 children who have never had fixed bedtimes (I've always found this need for 'me' time once children are in bed a bit odd tbh) I really don't think its that big a deal. My eldest DS has never slept for more than 8 hours a night and excels academically. Some children need less sleep than others.

xylem8 · 11/07/2013 23:09

'I doubt the three year old is getting enough sleep, and there are health risks associated with that'
why would he not be getting enough sleep Confused does he have to be up early?

TheSmallClanger · 11/07/2013 23:14

I have taught young adults who were brought up like this - not many, mind. They did struggle with things like timetables and quiet listening, although they did get better. Their passage through post-compulsory education was also longer than it should have been, because they didn't have GCSEs, or not in the required subjects, so they had to take those first.

DD's best friend is homeschooled, but her family take a more traditional approach to parenting, and she is now taking a lot of her instruction from tutors, in small groups with other HE kids.

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