To wish that nurses would think twice about calling older people 'sweetheart' and 'darling'

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I know, I know, they are trying to be nice, they are good people, if all I have to worry about is the terms of endearment the HCPs use, I have a lucky life, etc.

But I can't help feeling that many older people (and younger, too, actually, because they do it to them too) inwardly flinch at being called sweetheart and darls, with lots of 'bless yous' in between. Which is what nurses in particular seem to do.

My grandad's a grown up man with all his faculties; he's not quite with it at the moment after surgery, and the indignity of that position seems to me to made worse when, towards the end of your life, you're suddenly addressed like a baby. 'Alright darls, ooh you don't like that do you, bless you' etc - I know they're trying to be kind, and they are kind, but couldn't they just think twice about how they address people older than them, and consider that it might be a tad patronizing?

Or is that unreasonable of me?

I was wondering, do nurses also 'darling' and 'sweetheart' patients of their own age: women and men?

I don't know... I bet they don't call the doctors darling though!

Garlic and original, yes I do and yes I do. It's just the way I speak but this thread has made me pause for thought.

Thanks, Holiday :)

I've never come across this, but it could definitely come across as patronising, whatever the intentions of the person using the terms.

The "apparently it's wrong" may have been to me.

I have talked about the thread to a few people and they have agreed with me that asking someone what they would like to be called does NOT easily allow someone to say "please call me Mr or Mrs or Dr etc".

The choice that appears to be given to patients is therefore not a real choice.

I know it is not the most important thing in the care of patients - but I do think it's interesting that this lack of choice occurs. I bet it's often pointed to (as it has been here) as evidence that patients ARE being given a choice and that their views are respected.

It's like osmosis or heat transfer - you can't move from informality to formality - (or it's very difficult to do so without everyone involved feeling awkward about it) - you can only easily move from formality to informality. So you have to start off with formality. This is the society norm and is what lots of older people (and not JUST older people) are used to. It's how they navigate and try to avoid social faux pas. You wait until you are invited to be more informal. To change this in the hospital admission process is, I believe, misguided.

The "darling", "sweetheart" issue depends on circumstance I think - though I still think formality might possibly preferred more often than caring, kind, thoughtful and hard-working nurses might think.

Care of the elderly:
Do not leave them sitting or lying in their own excrement or urine.
Move and wash them gently.
Speak to them with a caring voice, not in anger or frustration.
Provide good, nutritous food.
Help them eat and drink if needed.
Dress their ulcers and wounds.
Chat to them and listen to them.
Blow the whistle if you know they are being physically or verbally abused by others.

Do not patronise them by calling them darling.

It is quite a way down the list of importance.

And yet so very easy and cheap to address!

Using a respectful address may well foster a respectful attitude and help to address the "more important" issues. Once it is permissible to address someone in a patronising way, it is very easy to feel that you are in charge and can do what you like.

My DH has CF, so spends time in hospital occasionally for a couple of weeks. It's not great for a couple of weeks. Obviously it isn't something we particularly enjoy, but there are things that make it more bearable. The staff in his CF unit are exceptional, warm people. They all show genuine interest in how he's doing and making his stay more comfortable.

They all work on first name terms, whether its the nurses, physios, consultants etc. and yes, they do address DH as my love, sweetheart etc and we both like it - it isn't forced, and we both see it as an extension of their caring natures.

Personally, being addressed in a formal manner outside of a for al setting makes me very very uncomfortable.

I'm nrly 40 and have had cause to be in hospital a fair few times. When nurses have called me 'sweetheart' or 'darling' it has comforted me. These words are terms of endearment and warmth and a hospital environment can be a scary place.

But then I'm not precious or professionally offended.

You see I think that's a bit sad Poogate. To suggest that someone who would rather be called Mr or Mrs and not called sweetheart is precious or professionally offended. If you had known my father you would know that this was about as far from the truth as could be. I completely accept that there are those who don't mind or would prefer to be called by a first name and by endearments. I completely accept that nurses intend no offence and in most case are warm, caring and want the very best for their patients. I completely accept that other things about care are more vital to success of treatment.

What is upsetting is to have someone's preference dismissed as precious or unimportant when it is just what someone is used to/makes them more comfortable. It makes them more comfortable - that's the thing. You are comforted by being called sweetheart - they are not. My father would have found hospital a less alien/scary place if he were addressed in the way HE preferred. It would have helped HIM. It would have helped him to feel more in control and would have enabled him to feel more dignifed. The nurses were brilliant by the way, in many, many ways.

My father could not possibly have complained about it because his manners were too good. I am saddened that there is not the means/willingness for this really simple matter to be addressed - formality first would easily sort it out. (I know some people say they do this).

As an example of how really lovely and caring one of the nurses at the hospital was when my mother was there (both my parents were cared for at the same cottage hospital, one shortly after the other, with terminal illnesses - Knighton hospital - 90% of the staff there deserve medals):

Mum was coming towards the end of her life and was treated with care and gentleness. I don't know how much she was registering about what went on around her in the last week, it wasn't easy to tell. One of the nurses said to me: "I've changed your Mum's nightdress, but the one I've put on her didn't have any sleeves so I took her vest off as I know she wouldn't have liked that to show. She's nice and cosy though, she won't be cold".

I was so unbelievably touched by this thought and care and insight. I wept with thankfulness that day. They did know her well as she had nursed and sat with Dad over some weeks.

Nurses are brilliant (most of them). All this thread is doing is discussing ways that they could be more brilliant for some patients. That's all.

Very true larrygrylls.

verlaine.. what a lovely post. made me cry though.

When my lovely mum was dying she whispered to me one day,"I think I've lost my charm." She was upset because the hospital staff were following protocol and calling her Mrs greysmum instead of using her first name.I pretended to misunderstand and gave her a little gold medallion and said ,"There's a charm for you." it broke my heart. Her sister and I stayed as long as we could each day but I had gone home when I got the call to say she had died shortly after I left.She died alone where no one called her by name and she thought she 'had lost her charm' I am crying now remembering :(

Thats really sad thegreylady.

I can see that this upsets some people, but it brings comfort to lots more.

I just want HCPs to care for me and mine, that is the main thing and when I think of the really nice nurses and HCAs I remember from my childrens/family and my own hospital treatment, its isn't the ones who called us 'mrs/mr' and never used 'sweetie' etc.

I much prefer the more informal way.

Sagfold
I just want to ask how many people have been offended by the way they personally have been addressed by HCP's and how many on behalf of their mother/father/elderly relative. The reason I ask is that it seems to me that those offended by these terms of endearment often seem to be the next of kin rather than the patient. I think they find it extremely upsetting to see their loved one in a vulnerable position and are acutely sensitive to these terms of endearment and often find it even more upsetting to see their relative so vunerable that they seem comforted by such things. They seek to remind the nurse how independent and intelligent etc their loved one is because witnessing them being vulnerable and in need of comfort is too upsetting to acknowledge. The would rather point out to the nurse that they are being patronising than see how scared and in need of comfort their relative is.

I think you have a good point there.

I think threads like these are really valuable. I like to think I am a good nurse, I love my job but I don't always get it right.

Part of our role is reflection, thinking about how we could do things differently, better, etc. I find I reflect on threads like these, first hand experiences of relatives & patients, and it might make me think twice next time.

There are some really moving experiences on here. Thank you for sharing. I really like Verlaine's comment about most nurses being brilliant and this thread is just helping them become more brilliant

oh greylady that's sad. hugs x

just read that amberleaf from sagfold and as an ex nurse that's very very true.

If someone in a hospital situation refers to me as darling or sweetheart I immediately assume they are from a class lower than me and their lack of worldliness makes them believe, wrongly, that they are being nice and friendly by using that term.
And will probably still think that when I'm old and frail which I am not as yet!
I have worked in hospitals and always used the patient's name or didn't call them anything - you can still speak nicely to someone without using a name imo.

I should have added that it is the manner in which you are treated that matters and the name isn't really relevant imv.

"If someone in a hospital situation refers to me as darling or sweetheart I immediately assume they are from a class lower than me"

Ah well that solves the issue discussed . Wrong class of nurse .

YANBU.

From what I remember of working on wards (not for a few years now) nurses recognise that one of the jobs on admission is to establish what the patient wants to be called and record this. Unfortunately even when this is done, there are many who seem to disregard this.

Or, the question is phrased in a very leading way "Hello Mrs Reacher can we call you Jack?" instead of assuming formality (at least a first)

Sagfold I know what you're saying about nok being more upset than the actual patient but I think that's just because patients, especially elderly ones are just not represented on forums like this.

Huh? I'm talking about my personal experience of nursing.

If someone in a hospital situation refers to me as darling or sweetheart I immediately assume they are from a class lower than me

With that kind of attitude I don't think you have much to worry about. I cannot imagine any self-respecting nurse would want to call you darling or sweetheart. What a horrible attitude you have.