To wish that nurses would think twice about calling older people 'sweetheart' and 'darling'

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I know, I know, they are trying to be nice, they are good people, if all I have to worry about is the terms of endearment the HCPs use, I have a lucky life, etc.

But I can't help feeling that many older people (and younger, too, actually, because they do it to them too) inwardly flinch at being called sweetheart and darls, with lots of 'bless yous' in between. Which is what nurses in particular seem to do.

My grandad's a grown up man with all his faculties; he's not quite with it at the moment after surgery, and the indignity of that position seems to me to made worse when, towards the end of your life, you're suddenly addressed like a baby. 'Alright darls, ooh you don't like that do you, bless you' etc - I know they're trying to be kind, and they are kind, but couldn't they just think twice about how they address people older than them, and consider that it might be a tad patronizing?

Or is that unreasonable of me?

I'm an HCP and call my patients Mr or Mrs on initial contact then take their lead. If I was unaware of name (someone else's patient accosting me). I'd use Sir or Madam.

They can call me Hen or Ms Hen I draw the line at Mrs Hen though .

I'm also funny about being called 'nurse'. I'm not a nurse for one thing! and generally find that the male support staff working with me get addressed as Dr and I get called nurse. I'm fed up with that assumption.

I can honestly say I have never called a patient sweetheart, darling, poppet or other inappropriate forms of address Years ago it was pointed out to me how disrespectful and un dignified this was for many patients at a point in their life when they need respect
YANBU

My dp deals with the public in his job and sometimes has small groups of old women and he always called them ladies and has had to stop that. I told him it would happen and it did. The women themselves are v disappointed and I think he sometimes slips up as he is 53 and a bit old fashioned with 'ladies'

But, it's a question we're required to ask on admittance. It's part of the form - we have to ask it - Full name & preferred name.

If someone says "Call me Hurricane" & I reply "Ok Mrs Wyn" it's odd.

But, if instead of asking for preferred name I ask do your prefer Hurricane or Mrs Wyn, it's then easier for someone to say Mrs/Mr/Dr whatever.

" I just think that on the whole nurses work really hard and do their absolute best for the patients in their care (as they should) and a lot of people mainly relatives still do their best to find fault."

I am not sure what that has to do with the OP. Does that mean that if you work hard as a shopkeeper/bank teller/electrician, you have the right to call your clients by a patronising name? You have to BOTH work hard and be respectful to your clients. Sorry, but it is in the job description. The fact that a nurse has such a physically intimate relationship with those he/she cares for makes it doubly important to create a barrier of professionalism and respect.

I cannot tell you how much old people that I know detest being called by patronising names such as "dearie", "young lady, etc etc.

YADNBU.

In that case hurricanewyn, it's very badly worded IMO. This gives no option for a person obeying society's rules of politeness (however daft those are) to truly say what they would like. I suspect that is why some people have said that they have "never had anyone request to be called Mr or Mrs". If you have to follow these instructions then I think it would be better to say "Mrs Smith" - "is there anything you would prefer to be called?". Better still would be to stick with Mrs Smith until the patient asks for something different, I think. If this is impossible with the current way you have to fill something in - then I honestly think that current way needs to be changed to reflect the way "etiquette" will hamper many older people. I know that may seem really daft to some - but I promise you that etiquette makes it very, very difficult for someone to ask for Mr/Mrs/Dr etc to be used. It needs flagging up if this is where the problem starts.

YY, but I support VCR in her suggestion that the patient would feel she was snubbing the nurse. The polite reply to "How shall I address you?" is "Oh, whatever makes you comfortable; my first name's Jane." :)

Sorry, that was a post from over an hour ago!

he always called them ladies and has had to stop that

Now, see, that's bonkers Ladies as a collective address may irritate the hell out of me, but it's correct - as in "Ladies and Gentlemen".

Verlaine I am hearing you!!!

The most recent surgeon I saw said: 'Mrs Peasant? Oh, is it Miss or Mrs, or Revolting?'

Me: natural polite response: 'Oh, well... normally I use Ms [actually Dr but wasn't going to make a thing] but Revolting is fine.'

Him: 'Fine. I'm Mr Godsgift.'

Ever since....... 'Ah, Revolting, Revolting, Revolting, how are we this morning?'

We really need an eye-rolling emoticon.

Is it weird that this actually bothers me more than the fact that the last operation he did failed? Honestly?

"Fine. Im Mr Godsgift" nicking that one

The fact that a nurse wouldn't feel remotely snubbed by someone saying "Call me Mr Smith" does not lessen the fact that Mr Smith would think it rude to ask for this - and therefore won't. Patients can only go by society's rules in hospital, they don't know about different rules for a hospital - they won't be thinking "the nurse won't care if I appear rude". They are unlikely to be thinking: "ah, this is my opportunity to be setting the boundaries." On the contrary, since they are feeling vulnerable, if they are like my father, they are likely to want to not be a nuisance rather than insisting on anything - even something like how they would like to be addressed when directly asked. I realise that this demands some delicacy and might seem a frustrating thing - but it honestly could so easily be addressed by starting off with formality as a default - that's all it would take.

It's really interesting to discover that this problem may have its roots in the questions involved in the admissions procedure. However minor this may seem, I think it could be bettered by somehow rephrasing the way this is asked. I just don't think it has been thought about from an "etiquette" point of view. It gives the appearance of choice but in fact does not deliver true choice. I wonder whether some nurses have been under the impression that they have being giving a really clear choice to someone, when in fact they haven't...

I guess it also depends upon your own sense of self importance as well.

People can sound patronising saying anything or being very polite, its how it's said I think not what is said.

Anyway actions are far more important than words.

I think it could be bettered by somehow rephrasing the way this is asked

I think you're right - I just can't see how it should be. It needs to be asked - just in case we have an Elizabeth who is actually a Queenie, or a Margaret who has been called Peggy or Sadie all her life. In this area, a good quarter of people in their 50's or older have always been known by their middle names & their first names have never been used.

But once it has been asked, how do you revert to a title if someone has told you they prefer to be called something more informal?

You don't rephrase it at all. You ignore it! And call Mr Frederick Thomas Stephen Jones, "Mr Jones" until he says "call me Billy".

I took my neighbour to her GP recently. She was dying ...had been seeing him regularly for years. He called her by the name on her birth certificate rather than the name everyone knows her by. (I only became aware of her legal name when I followed the ambulance to hospital and tried to register her known name!)

She died weeks later. I was really sad that she had been treated so impersonally by a GP providing end of life care.

It mattered. It is important.

Of course its important - which is why we ask the patient what they would like to be called !
Except that's wrong apparently
But the patient who wants to be called Mrs Jones doesn't have a current social view that its rude to want to be called Mrs Jones.
They have the view that its right and proper to be called Mrs Jones and so that's what they tell the nurses.
Because it wasn't rude when they formed their social/moral compass.

And the nurses looking after them respect and respond to that.
This one does.

Well I for one would not mind HCP call me sweetie, ducky etc

But the patient who wants to be called Mrs Jones doesn't have a current social view that its rude to want to be called Mrs Jones.

It's not just a "current" view. It's old, traditional etiquette that you don't request a title for yourself. If someone asks what you prefer, the only possible polite response is not to ask for a title to be used. Even if that is exactly what you'd prefer.

Shitsinger. Was the 'apparently it's wrong' to me. I'm confused why...

I haven't read the whole thread but I agree with OP. My beef was being constantly addressed to as 'Mummy' when preemie DS was in intensive care. I did tell one of the nurses that I was not her mummy, I have a name, if they can't be bothered learning it they can call me 'DS's mother', but just calling me Mummy is not appropriate. She clearly thought I was weird. They kept on doing it regardless .

I don't care. As long as they're not abusing my nan, I am fine with it. Least of my worry of elderly care.

This country treats elderly people like poo. 'Darling' is hardly the battle we need to address right now. Better than a slap or a pinch.

They can call me what they like. They do a difficult enough job as it is.

YABU

YADNBU and I am not elderly, nor see myself as old-fashioned, but I too have a difficulty with "how do you like to be called?" The actual answer is "as anything but 'Loma'" especially as I'd honestly prefer "Dr" or "Mrs", but to say this makes me feel pompous, as if I'm this posho, unable to have a warm relationship.

Having said that, personally, it's just as, or more, problematic when consultants do this, than nurses, because if the perceived power difference. At least, with nurses with whom I've built up a relationship through care, the initial grating in my mind over the use of my forename disappears, especially when you can feel the warmth coming through, and especially when this is coupled with respect for my dignity. The dismissive use of my forename by someone full of his (and it is, sadly, frequently a 'he' doing this) is what gets me.

My cancer specialist on the other hand managed to help me through an appalling time by treating me as an intelligent being, with a life outside the hospital walls, which I think is at the heart of the OP's post.

In short, whilst I appreciate the good intentions, surely erring on the side of formality is for the best?