To wish that nurses would think twice about calling older people 'sweetheart' and 'darling'

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I know, I know, they are trying to be nice, they are good people, if all I have to worry about is the terms of endearment the HCPs use, I have a lucky life, etc.

But I can't help feeling that many older people (and younger, too, actually, because they do it to them too) inwardly flinch at being called sweetheart and darls, with lots of 'bless yous' in between. Which is what nurses in particular seem to do.

My grandad's a grown up man with all his faculties; he's not quite with it at the moment after surgery, and the indignity of that position seems to me to made worse when, towards the end of your life, you're suddenly addressed like a baby. 'Alright darls, ooh you don't like that do you, bless you' etc - I know they're trying to be kind, and they are kind, but couldn't they just think twice about how they address people older than them, and consider that it might be a tad patronizing?

Or is that unreasonable of me?

But even if it's colloquial, surely that doesn't mean that you never use names?

It's in use where I used to live & I've always hated it & never used it.

Only been used to me by people older-I couldn't ever imagine a younger person using it to an older one.

Hmmmm, maybe. Surnames seem so cold and impersonal for what is such an intimate relationship, and also nurses are always addressed on first name terms not by surname anymore so addressing you patient also on first name terms implies starting the relationship on a level of parity of esteem, no?

I can honestly day that in 20 years on nursing, always asking the person how they would like to.be addressed on admission no one has stated to.me that they would like to be known by their surname although I am will to accept that maybe they feel awkward requesting this in an environment when first names are the norm. It's tricky isn't it?

I've been thinking about this thread a lot. Maybe on admission when asking people what they prefer to be called, I'll default to asking "Do you prefer to be called by your first name or your title?" rather than making people feel a bit pompous by asking to be referred to as their title.

It is an intimate relationship-but not one of choosing!

Maybe some patients would prefer a bit distance-particularly older ones!

Sagfold, that's a very interesting take on it. I can quite see how that would happen. In my case, both my parents complained about it to me. My father is much more assertive than my mother, so he had everyone calling him Mr. --- or his first name quite quickly, my mother just seethed quietly.

OP you are totally right. It's sounds so awful ecerytine I hear it. Shop assistants do it to sometimes. Thoroughly patronising. It winds me up every time I hear it.

Eldritch, complained about first names or endearments? I think the whole endearments thing is really a minefield and overall best avoided but depends how it's done eg whether it is part of a person's normal pattern of speech and can just creep in eg Geordies (sp?) using the term 'pet' in normal parlance rather than a intentional targeted endearment IYSWIM.

Oh, endearments. They're not up themselves enough to care about first names, they know younger generations do that routinely. it's never being called by your name, but always 'my love' and 'pet' etc by someone you've never met before. And there is always that anxiety that if the HCP does not call you by your name, can you be entirely sure (a) they know who you are; and (b) they are in the right room administering the right treatment?

Well that's the thing isn't it?

Not all of us see them as endearments.

Some of us see them as patronising(even if not meant to be), lumping everyone together rather than bother with an individual's name.

An older or traditional person, who would most appreciate being addressed with their title, might find it very awkward to request their title be used. After all, it's not good manners to award yourself a title, you wait for others to use it (without asking, as you can only politely answer no!).

James Bond says "the name's Bond", not "the name's Mr Bond", because it's too presumptious to address oneself with a title. So, even if a choice is given, the only correct and polite answer is still to not give yourself a title, which means the most polite people unfortunately won't be addressed in the most polite way unless this is already the default.

Definitely, Glitzpig.

Wbdn28 - exactly! It's no good saying "do you prefer to be called by your first name or your title?". Just call someone Mr or Mrs or whatever until invited to do otherwise. Them's the society rules, innit?

Why is this so hard to grasp?

If someone is fine with first names, they are likely to be used to informality and will be more likely to be able to say "why so formal?" (or words to that effect ). Those that are used to formality cannot request more formality because it's rude.

Right

Malcom- my knickers are never twisted. I'm far too relaxed for that sort of shin dig. But cheers dears.

Yabu I don't give a damn. As long as staff are kind caring and attentive. Some peopl are way to uptight

My 79 year old father is facing an irreversible decline (of unknown duration) due to incurable cancer. He is sad, afraid, in constant discomfort and fighting to maintain his mobility, his dignity, and his identity. He can be as uptight about how he is addressed in hospital as he wants.

Thank you very much Glitzpig. I shouldn't have put it on the thread, really (over-emotional derail) so sorry, everyone.

YANBU. There's extensive academic research on this. It goes under the name of 'underaccommodation/ overaccommodation' (Communicative Accommodation Theory - see Coupland & Giles) ... it's commonly called 'babytalking the elderly' as it shares lots of interactional features with how parents talk to their offspring (eg. high-low intonation, use of the plural pronoun as in 'how are we feeling today?' and generally articulating low expectations of behaviour). The research is at least 10-15 yrs old and it's depressing that this still goes on....

I'm a nurse, and I always ask patients what they wish to be called, rather than just calling them something. I have colleges how call everyone honey, darling, ducky, stuff like that, which I hate!! Not unreasonable at all. However, if I have someone "long term", I do sometimes throw in a bit of an affectionate name, only because you grow to know them and produce genuine feelings for them

Well surely it is to be commended that I see myself and my patient as equals and as holding the 'same amount of cards'. When I go to the dentist I am in a vulnerable position eg my gob is open, he is holding the drill but it would never in a million years occur to me that we were not equals. He addresses me by my first name and it would never occur to me to address him by any other than his first name. If he insisted on being addressed by his surname then, on principle I would insist on him calling me by mine. I am a customer and am paying him to do his job no differentvthan the nurse/patient relationship.

My dentist calls me by my title and surname!

eldritch, I too am sorry about your father, and I'd also like to say thanks to those (usually the ones who don't think I'm being unreasonable to care about how he is addressed!) who have expressed concern for my grandad, too x

I've found (and this is my own personal experience, not a broad statement of fact) that the more junior the member of staff, the more likely they are to address patients informally. This goes for doctors as well as nurses/student nurses and HCAs. Not sure why this is, but as I said earlier its something I insist on from my students - often the first 'can we just have a quick chat about how you feel that went' between a new student and I is prompted by them addressing a new patient over-familiarly. One student was so over-familiar with an elderly lady that I assumed she knew her and sent her off to help another nurse rather than nurse someone she had a personal relationship with! I do think there's an appropriate time and place for endearments and frequently use them myself, but I will routinely address a patient as Mr or Mrs until invited to do otherwise (which is usually immediately after I've introduced myself).