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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is really rude to ask people you don't know if they're pregnant

47 replies

doingthesplitz · 09/07/2013 11:23

Due to major surgery last year my stomach is still a bit swollen (not enormously). I am absolutely pissed off with people I have just met saying 'oh, are you pregnant' or 'when are you due'?

AIBU to think, if you don't know a person well and they're not obviously about 8 and a half months gone, just say nothing. It is really thoughtless and rude and I know I'm not the only person who has been upset by this kind of tactlessness.

OP posts:
fanjobiscuits · 09/07/2013 11:24

YANBU people don't think

ilovechips · 09/07/2013 11:25

Very rude. Utterly unforgivable to ask someone if they're pregnant - if it's not obvious then they should shut up. It's right up there with "smile it might never happen" Angry

whoneedssleepanyway · 09/07/2013 11:27

OP last week a woman offered me her seat on the tube followed by when is your baby due...I am not pregnant (and I don't think I look pregnant) I was pretty hacked off! Hope you are recovering from your surgery.

Original poster
doingthesplitz · 09/07/2013 11:28

Thanks whoneeds. Yes, I'm recovering fine and am working on getting my stomach muscles tightened up. I too have had the seat on bus thing. I know people are being polite but God it can ruin your day Smile.

OP posts:
Sleep404 · 09/07/2013 11:29

I totally agree with you. I had the same problem and every comment just made me feel self conscious and bad about my shape.

My dad once asked a little boy if he was excited about getting a new baby bro/sis. His dad promptly informed mine that his wife was not pregnant while my mum gave my dad a well deserved kick.
He has now learnt his lesson after mum repeated the story to us all and we all gave him a good talking to. His excuse? I was trying to be friendly Hmm

Annakin31 · 09/07/2013 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ziggyf · 09/07/2013 11:31

My friend had this at Disney Land a few weeks ago. She got to the front of the queue and the attendant told her she couldn't go on the ride as someone else in the queue had said she was clearly heavily pregnant - she was mortified. It was in front of loads of people too Sad

Burmobasher · 09/07/2013 11:34

Yes, I got asked this by a colleague once preceded by "talking of babies your stomach looks a bit podgy" I can laugh about it now but at the time I must admit to having a little sob in the bogs.
Yanbu.

DeputyDeputyChiefOfStaff · 09/07/2013 11:36

I was asked this at the weekend. It was at a wedding, I was wearing a new dress and I thought I looked ok Sad It's such a risky question, people should really avoid it.

trackies · 09/07/2013 11:37

Delivery driver once dropped off my groceries and made a comment about cravings. I realised that he thought I was preg. I'd had my baby a year ago!

ShadowStorm · 09/07/2013 11:39

YANBU. It's a really rude question to ask.

IMO that sort of question is only acceptable if it comes from a medical professional in a situation where they'd need to be asking every woman the same question.

Fozziebearmum2be · 09/07/2013 11:45

It's soooo rude! I'm 29 weeks pg, and before knowing I was pg, lots of people asked me and practically told me that I would be pregnant any day now... Then I heard on the grapevine how people at work were talking about how I was wearing floaty tops and so must be pregnant, people then started asking me, some know some didn't. Was very very tempted to tell them it was just pie just to see the look on their faces...

When I told someone at 12 weeks their response was 'you're massive'

So so rude....

Arabesque · 09/07/2013 11:58

YANBU. Can I publicly appeal to people to STOP doing this. I had very bad fibroids a few years ago and my stomach was pretty swollen and I had so many embarassing incidents including a woman who had come into work to give a training course asking me in front of a group of colleagues if I was 'with child'. Another woman, when I said no I wasn't pregnant actually put her hand on my stomach and said 'oh, I thought I saw a bump'. Shock.
It's so rude.

quesadilla · 09/07/2013 12:18

YANBU. Staggeringly rude. Never ceases to amaze me what people deem it appropriate to ask others.

Like the people who ask when you are going to have children. What parallel universe do people have to live in not to be able to appreciate that's a minefield?

Don't get me started...

ThreeEyedRaven · 09/07/2013 12:27

I had this a couple of years ago whilst working at a festival - "oh I can't believe youre working here whilst pregnant!"..."im not pregnant, its a burrito baby que evil stare"

Bitch Angry

I'm actually quite slim so I have no idea why she said it.

newestbridearound · 09/07/2013 12:28

I once got asked if I was pregnant at my opticians... in reality I was wearing a less than flattering summer dress- that promptly got recycled!- and was briefly holding my tummy whilst sat down due to period pain. I can see why she thought it, but was still mortified!

YANBU. I never know why people don't wait to be told rather than feeling it's okay to ask. I'd never risk it for fear of being wrong.

gintastic · 09/07/2013 12:29

My husband reckons the only time you can ask that question is if you can actually see the head coming out. Anything else is just a bit risky!

aldiwhore · 09/07/2013 12:30

YANBU.

I'm an apple shape and a bit overweight, I also have a lot of excess skin thanks to a terrible pregnancy (I had polyhydramnious think massive water balloon).

I've been greeted with "Oh my, you're positively BLOOMING"... fuck off, my youngest is FIVE.

I've had people feel me, one bar manager thinking for some bloody reason I would be excited because they've got a new baby change room, and then he gave me disapproving looks as I drank. Even if I WAS pregnant, I'd find it hard to get excited about a baby change room in a pub.

If you're not sure, don't comment!!

The worst was when I politely said I wasn't pregnant, they said I should go on a diet because I was confusing people and would I like a number of a local personal trainer... even if what they said was true I was gobsmacked how happily and unapologetically rude they were being. When I said "I am fine thanks" they retorted "Oh, fat and happy eh??" I wish I could have thought of a witty retort, but it was either walk away or stab her with her own fork.

Vintageclock · 09/07/2013 12:39

It's unbelievably rude and stupid to ask that question. A friend of mine, who had a total hysterectomy and would never have children, was asked on several occasions in the months afterwards if she was pregnant, or when was she due, by random strangers she had just met. It was deeply upsetting and I know sometimes she felt like strangling these knobs with no manners.
As someone up thread said, the only people who should ask this question are medical personnel. And even then it should be in a 'by the way, if you think there's any possibility you're pregnant you can't have this procedure' or whatever. Not in an 'oh, I see you're pregnant so I can't prescribe this' insulting way.

poopyisapig · 09/07/2013 12:55

I was also offered a seat on the bus the other day and asked how far along I was.

I'm not pregnant. Just a bit fat at the mo.

I was so embarrassed that I pretended I couldn't speak English. Thankfully I speak passable German.

I now have to alter my daily routine incase I bump into the nice lady again.

Had this question been asked of me a few months ago though I would have been left very upset - I miscarried in April, I am ok now, but it would have really upset me.

HappyHippyChick · 09/07/2013 13:00

I'm with Gins husband! My rule is only ask if she's screaming for an epidural! Having been on the receiving end of one of these comments I know how hurtful they can be.

daisychain01 · 09/07/2013 13:40

YANBU. People need to engage their brain before they open their mouth. What business is it of theirs anyway?? I'm definitely not a militant feminist but I find it objectionable when people think they have the right to inflict themselves on a pregnant woman's bump, putting their hand on it. How dare they! They wouldnt go up to a non-pg woman and put their sticky mit on their stomach, so why does it become 'open season' for someone carrying a child. Bugger off and leave well alone- unless its me bezzy mate who invites me to have a feel of the baby kicking, then its gorrrrgeous!

neunundneunzigluftballons · 09/07/2013 14:05

Hmmm I am not fully sure on the one hand you see these threads and on the other you hear of 9 month pregnant women standing on trains because no one dared offer a seat. I have been asked but I am not easily offended I just said no and never really thought about it again people make mistakes and if they are not trying to be cruel I just take it at face value. I think sometimes though we cannot predict the awful things going on in someone else's lives and so long as you try to treat people with respect and be nice that is nearly as much as you can do.

saintava · 09/07/2013 14:09

I was in my local shop and was asked when was I got going to have my baby... I'd had her 6 weeks before and was back in my normal clothes within a couple of weeks (I lose weight during my pregnancies).

On the same day I was also told by my neighbour that she didnt eve. Know I was pregnant, despite that I saw her regularly when I was 8-9 months pregnant.

I felt really rubbish that day...

NutcrackerFairy · 09/07/2013 14:25

I was asked regularly when DS2 was 2 years old Sad

I am quite an apple shape anyway, fairly slim and athletic but with a barrel for a stomach.

After DS2 I unfortunately retained the pregnant bump look as it curved out from just under my bosom and down to pubic hair line.

I looked about 6 months pregnant and it didn't matter how I dieted or exercised.

Lots of people asked and commented on my 'pregnancy'. I got quite practiced with a throw away "No, I'm just fat" and a grin.

But the incident that upset me the most was my work Christmas party last year. I thought I looked pretty good but one of my colleagues came up to me with a big smile and congratulations and asked when I was due... in front of a whole crowd of people. I could have died, it was mortifying. That incident almost completely ruined my night out... and I had been enjoying myself on this rare child free outing Sad

DS2 now nearly 2.5 and bump is finally deflating but stomach still pretty podgy, c'est la vie.

But yes, I agree it is rude to comment on pregnancy if you don't know for sure and for God's sake don't say anything in front of an audience!