To think it is really rude to ask people you don't know if they're pregnant

[doingthesplitz]

Due to major surgery last year my stomach is still a bit swollen (not enormously). I am absolutely pissed off with people I have just met saying 'oh, are you pregnant' or 'when are you due'?

AIBU to think, if you don't know a person well and they're not obviously about 8 and a half months gone, just say nothing. It is really thoughtless and rude and I know I'm not the only person who has been upset by this kind of tactlessness.

[NutcrackerFairy]

Oh, yes that was a stupid comment I made

But at least I got to make it here instead of embarrassing myself with my ignorance and potentially causing upset in RL!

[OnFoot]

Nutcracker - I was told afterwards that she had trouble carrying babies to term and always had very little amniotic fluid so I suppose that was why she looked so slim. But still, it was amazing.

[PelvicFloorClenchReminder]

One of the children I look after asked me yesterday "is there a baby in your tummy?" I said that there wasn't, so she said, "then why are you SO FAT??"



She was only four though. I felt obligated to let it go

[8thplace]

Confession...

I once made this mistake and asked my lovely eyebrow/ beauty technician in a large dept store How far gone she was, it a very excited OTT way. I was seeing every two months and she looked so different in between the last two visits.

I don't know why I did it. I was mortified. She was mortified. I apologised massively but the damage was done. I did not engage my brain.

I will never do this again.
I go somewhere else now to have my eyebrows done.
I felt so stupid and so upset for this young woman.
Apologies again to that lovely girl. Please forgive me.

[NutcrackerFairy]

OnFoot I hate that woman.

Imagine, 34 weeks pregnant and not even looking pregnant!!!

[muppetthecow]

When we were trying I had a lady tut at me in a pub as I ordered a pint. I thought I'd inadvertently pushed in front of her so apologised and asked if she'd like to go first. She it wasn't that, but that she thought it was disgusting that I was drinking in 'my condition'. I quite calmly asked her what condition that was (with accompanying glare) to which she spluttered incoherently along the lines of "Oh... I thought... Um..." and wandered off. I thought the barman was going to wet himself laughing!

I'm currently 36 weeks and got the polar opposite yesterday. One of our regular patients from work saw me in the street with DS1 (19m and walking on his reins), still hobbling along on crutches (SPD) and with a bump the size of Poland, and said "Oh, so you've had the baby then". I'm afraid she got a somewhat sarcastic "Yes Mrs *, I had the baby, then I left it at home, shoved a beachball up my dress and came out for a little walk" before I waddled stomped off.

It's dangerous territory to comment however obvious the pregnancy IMO!

[OnFoot]

I've done the opposite - met the mum of DS's friend at a pool party. She was so slim; no hips, no stomach, a very defined waist - and she was in a swimsuit so it's not like it was the clothes. She told me she was getting a baby in six weeks (getting, not having, unusual way to phrase it). Due to her figure and the phrasing I assumed she was adopting!

Turned out she was 34 weeks pregnant. When I said "how old will the baby be when you get it?" she looked really confused and then decided I was obviously stupid. Don't blame her! But she didn't look pregnant at all, let alone 34 weeks! I babbled like an idiot and was so embarrassed.

[ilovechips]

I also think it's rude of people to comment on how huge you are when you obviously are pregnant as well. Why do people assume that pregnancy entitles them to express their opinion on your size!

[nosila12]

I've had people offer me a seat on the tube too - bloated belly due to IBS. It is really rude to ask.

[LouiseSmith]

My mums neighbour asked me the other week if I was pregnant, when I clarified I wasn't. I got told I just got fat :s

People seem to think that everything is there business.

[Lutrine]

I kind of had the opposite from a rude,horrible cheeky lad I taught when I was 28weeks pregnant: "miss, I was just about to say you look fat today, then I remembered you're having a baby aren't you?'

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

Yanbu - I was asked twice when working in a bank, once by an old lady. I obviously said no, and must have looked a bit upset. She snapped back at me that she was only going to wish me good luck!

Worst one was at the hospital. I had to have a glucose tolerance test due to receiving a diagnosis of PCOS. It was all still very raw and the lady who had done my scan had been quite tactless and told me in no uncertain terms that my ovaries were in a state and my chances of having kids naturally were pretty slim. So to go for the gtt with a line of pregnant women was hard anyway. The nurse taking the bloods then asked me if I was excited about my baby... I mumbled that I wasn't pregnant and then spent the next two hours sobbing whilst waiting to see her again. Ouch.

[Eyesunderarock]

Oh I agree that many of the comments are rude or tactless or stupid or all three.

[Stinkyminkymoo]

I hate this! For me it seems to be shop assistants constantly asking when I'm due and I then have to say 'no, I had my dd 10 months ago' and then I add something to further embarrass them such as 'I've clearly not lost the baby weight yet', 'obviously my diet isn't working' or 'no, I'm just fat'.

Part of my problem is I carry all my weight around my middle so have to put up with this quite a bit

[doingthesplitz]

By the way, I agree with you on the seat thing. If someone offers me a seat on the bus or train I just say thank you and sit down and sob quietly inside.

[doingthesplitz]

But we're not Eyes. This thread is about people you hardly know coming right out and asking you if you're pregnant. It's rude, tactless and stupid.

[Eyesunderarock]

I do think that if someone is offering you a seat, it's a bit unfair to get angry if they think you are pregnant.
I've done that, 'Would you like to sit down?' and got the evils because they were fat not pregnant and I hadn't even said the word. They just looked unwieldy and tired, so I offered my seat. It's happened a couple of times.
Fat or pregnant, why be snarly at someone who is trying to be helpful?

[FruminousBandersnatch]

I only had this once. A woman I vaguely knew looked at my belly and exclaimed excitedly "Oh! Are you pregnant?!" I said "No, I'm not" and the poor woman, desperately scrabbling for something to say, said. "Oh. You've lost weight!"

[doingthesplitz]

Totally agree. Even if I bump into someone I haven't seen in ages and they look pregnant and I'm wondering should I congratulate them or not I always just ask something like 'So, have you any nice plans for the Summer' or 'Gosh, the children must be growing up now' and then it's up to them to come back with 'well, the baby's due in July so that'll keep us busy' or 'Yes, and another one on the way.....' or whatever.
If they say nothing, I say nothing!

[CrispyFB]

Amen. Never ask anyone, even people you have known for years!!

I often wonder if people think I am, because for various reasons (bloat, trashed stomach muscles etc) I can often look that way, well over six months gone after a salty meal but thankfully so far people have been too polite to say anything. The irony being that we've been trying well over a year for another, so I think I might cry if anyone suggested it.

When I was pregnant with DC1, nobody in my office said anything and I told my colleagues at around 16-17 weeks. Several of them (all male, it's IT) admitted they just thought I'd put on a bit of weight from all the crap I'd been eating. Nice to know they'd been scrutinising my weight all that time - from then on and especially after I returned to work I felt very self conscious!

[RevoltingPeasant]

Oh Bosgrove let it go now. You probably think about it more than she does!

Mind you, I can top it - my rather tactless dad was once asked to give for a card for a heavy colleague who was nearly 9 mos pg.

"Oh," he said, "is she pregnant? How can you tell?"

!!!

[Bosgrove]

You NEVER ask someone if they are pregnant (or when it is due).

10 years ago I made that mistake and it still haunts me.

It was at D nephews birthday party and I didn't know anyone there (apart from Dsis who was busy) so I was trying to make small talk with the other guests. There was one lady there who looked over 6 months pregnant, so I asked when she was due. At that she said she wasn't, I should have shut up then, and still feel bad about what I said to cover up my embarrassment, by follow up comment was "oh sorry, it must be hard to lose the baby weight", to be told that her baby was 4 years old ......It was really a hope that the ground opened up and swallowed me moment.

But I have learnt and never ever ask.....

[NutcrackerFairy]

I was asked regularly when DS2 was 2 years old

I am quite an apple shape anyway, fairly slim and athletic but with a barrel for a stomach.

After DS2 I unfortunately retained the pregnant bump look as it curved out from just under my bosom and down to pubic hair line.

I looked about 6 months pregnant and it didn't matter how I dieted or exercised.

Lots of people asked and commented on my 'pregnancy'. I got quite practiced with a throw away "No, I'm just fat" and a grin.

But the incident that upset me the most was my work Christmas party last year. I thought I looked pretty good but one of my colleagues came up to me with a big smile and congratulations and asked when I was due... in front of a whole crowd of people. I could have died, it was mortifying. That incident almost completely ruined my night out... and I had been enjoying myself on this rare child free outing

DS2 now nearly 2.5 and bump is finally deflating but stomach still pretty podgy, c'est la vie.

But yes, I agree it is rude to comment on pregnancy if you don't know for sure and for God's sake don't say anything in front of an audience!

[saintava]

I was in my local shop and was asked when was I got going to have my baby... I'd had her 6 weeks before and was back in my normal clothes within a couple of weeks (I lose weight during my pregnancies).

On the same day I was also told by my neighbour that she didnt eve. Know I was pregnant, despite that I saw her regularly when I was 8-9 months pregnant.

I felt really rubbish that day...

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

Hmmm I am not fully sure on the one hand you see these threads and on the other you hear of 9 month pregnant women standing on trains because no one dared offer a seat. I have been asked but I am not easily offended I just said no and never really thought about it again people make mistakes and if they are not trying to be cruel I just take it at face value. I think sometimes though we cannot predict the awful things going on in someone else's lives and so long as you try to treat people with respect and be nice that is nearly as much as you can do.