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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about DH' s hobby?

100 replies

flowersinavase · 06/07/2013 19:50

I'm a SAHM with two DCs: 2.11 and 5m. DH works very long hours and often travels during the week. During the week I'm effectively a single parent.

DH has a hobby (a sport) which he goes to Saturday afternoons: he's out of the house from noon to 4. I support it since his week is otherwise very sedentary (he does sport rather than watches) and it's good for him to do something other than work.... but I'm getting very resentful of it: I have the children all week and now don't get any help most of Saturday..

It's hard to organize play dates etc at the weekend since for everyone else, it's family time...

AIBU in asking him to stop going? It feels very selfish but I don't want every weekend to end in resentment..

OP posts:
Yorkie1990 · 06/07/2013 19:55

Yes you are. 4 hours is not 'most of Saturday'. If he works long hours this is possibly the only time he gets to himself. Why don't you get your own hobby to do on Sunday?

MortifiedAdams · 06/07/2013 19:56

Why dont you get any help most of Saturday?he is busy 12-4. So he gets up with the dcs that day and you lie in. Step in before he leaves, and once he is done it woyld be bath and bed time which he could do?

Keep playdates for the week. Spend tge day as a family on a Sunday.

kim147 · 06/07/2013 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
flowersinavase · 06/07/2013 19:59

Thanks

It feels like most of Saturday since it leaves no time for anything else: it's almost tea time when he gets back. and if I do something Sunday, that's hardly any time together as a family: he manages bathtime max twice a week - otherwise he doesn't see the children at all..

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 06/07/2013 20:00

YABU to ask him to stop his hobby. You would not U to ask for an equal amount of time off duty to spend as you see fit. If you have Sat am and he had Sat pm, that still leaves a whole day of family time.

mrscog · 06/07/2013 20:04

Is there anyway he could take 1 Saturday off per month to have a family Saturday? The rest of the time you could have Sat am to do something for you and then he gets Sat afternoon. Or you could fit something local in to Sat am - get up and out the house 8.30/9am go to shops/out for brunch/park whatever then get back for 11.15ish for your DH to go to his hobby.

livinginwonderland · 06/07/2013 20:05

Why don't you do something in the morning or on a Friday night? DP and I arranged this so that he has his hobby on a Sunday when I work (no kids) so we have Saturdays together as a couple, but so he can still have his time to himself as well as he works Monday-Friday and my shifts vary during the week.

YABU to ask him to stop his hobby, but YANBU to get an equal amount of time off at another time during the week. Ask him :)

AllegraLilac · 06/07/2013 20:08

YABU.

Sounds like you need some time off, more than he needs to stop playing sport.

Why don't you have 4 hours me time on a Sunday, for example?

aftermay · 06/07/2013 20:09

Does he also wake up late on Saturday because he deserves it and generally does very little around the house because you can't really expect him too? I'd be resentful too.

motherofvikings · 06/07/2013 20:09

Can't he do his sport one evening when he's away from home each week?

Dh worked away in the week for a while and he just did his 'free time' things while he was away so we could have family time/ I could go out at the weekend.

kim147 · 06/07/2013 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew · 06/07/2013 20:13

I don't understand why 12-4 is most of Saturday. There's all morning, the evening, and you've got all of Sunday.....

SquinkiesRule · 06/07/2013 20:14

Maybe you could have Saturday mornings off, go and do what you like or just sit in the coffee shop and read, he has the afternoon and you can use Sunday as family day.

TSSDNCOP · 06/07/2013 20:21

Assuming the sport is golf, could he just play 9 holes occassionally?

YABU to ask a person to give up a sport, especially if its their only excercise. But he's BU too if he's not picking up some slack to enable you to have some down time.

DontmindifIdo · 06/07/2013 20:26

so Saturday mornings are yours, you'll be home by 12 noon, or you just sleep and he does getting the breakfast for hte DCs, getting them dressed etc, Sundays are family time.

DH also have a sport hobby, he gets half a day per weekend, he normally takes Sunday morning. Saturday morning is mine, Saturday afternoon and sunday afternoon are family time. Mind you, DH often has to work at the weekends so his hobby and my "me time" disappears...

The resentment can build up if only one partner gets 'me time' and the other doesn't. Also if only one partner has spare money for their hobby and the other doesn't get the same sort of budget.

It might also be worth asking around your friends re play dates on a saturday, I found a lot of friend's DH's had to work on weekends.

Threetofour · 06/07/2013 20:31

I know how you feel op I have a pretty similar situation with 3 dcs & another on the way! Dh ended up changing his weekend activities to the early mornings/evenings during the week doing sports/exercise so we have more time at the weekend, I think for us the changes were made as the dcs got a bit older.....5,3 and 1 and started to ask him to do things with them....it's much harder to say no to the child I think!
Also as others have said you need some time too , make sure you are getting a break and having some time away from the daily grind, it is hard being a sahm when Friday rolls around and you feel like it makes no bloody difference if its the weekend or any other day! But talk to dh about it try to explain how you feel without making it an attack....hopefully you can find a compromise.

joanofarchitrave · 06/07/2013 20:44

Don't assume nobody wants to do playdates at the weekend. Lots of people do - e.g. those whose partners work Saturdays/shifts. Ask around and keep asking.

Don't forget that in a while your children will be able to go and do said hobby with your dh. Could you even do some version of it together?

I personally hate the phrase family time. I also think that the normal schedule of a very young child (i.e. up at stupid o'clock) militates against anything except family moments - this phase is just too much about survival, the good bits happen unexpectedly during the ordinary drudgery IMO.

Mehrida · 06/07/2013 21:29

DH and I both play the same sport at similar times on a Saturday. We alternate and play week about each.

Is it team sport your DH plays? If it's anything other than golf, could you go along and watch occasionally (when it's nice obv)?

Do any of his friends/team mates have partners/DC who would be up for a playdate?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2013 21:39

I think it's really important for parents, both if them, to have 'me times ' be it sport or something else. Otherwise it's just work, sleep and 'family time'.. everyone needs a release, as others have said you do too. You get sat morning, he gets Saturday afternoon, Sunday family time.

Drhamsterstortoise · 06/07/2013 21:44

I understand where you're coming from as my dp has a hobby which takes up most of the weekend and he works away .I am resentful as I have no time for me and there is no family time and it is ruining our relationship.Is his sport something he could get out of the way by lunchtime so yee could have the day together?I know what you mean about 12-4 being most of the day.Its too late to go anywhere by four and he probably has to shower and change.I'm guessing it must be a team sport if the time is not flexible.I also understand that if he has his time on sat and you have yours on Sunday then there is no time for a day out with you all as a family which is what you want.Its tough on everyone when partner works away

morethanpotatoprints · 06/07/2013 21:55

There are so many good comments here.
Can't help with the sport but have similar that dh worked away when dc were little and his work/career is his life and not a job iyswim.
You sound like you need some you time, not for him to stop his hobby.
Also agree with play dates during the week, do you have rl friend to go shopping with, or cinema, coffee shop, somewhere you like, saturday morning could be your time or even sunday.
It is tough and I really sympathise with you. All I can say is it gets better when dc are at school, there is far more variety in your life.

MyHumpsMyLovelyBabyBumps · 06/07/2013 22:45

I don't see how it's unreasonable to ask. I think it's unreasonable to not ask your partner if they are ok with watching kids all day while you bugger off and have fun. maybe get a sitter and go off those 4 hours so you get time too

grobagsforever · 06/07/2013 23:11

12- 4 sat pm really is the best part of the weekend. Sat am shouldn't be manic rush to fit an activity in so DH can rush off in the pm. Every second Sat would be.more reasonable.

LessMissAbs · 06/07/2013 23:54

Seriously? 4 hours on a Saturday to do a sport and you think this is unreasonable. My, his life sounds fun.

If you were a single parent, you presumably wouldn't benefit from the salary he earns while working.

I suppose the concept of shared interests and life not ending after having children are alien?

SolidGoldBrass · 06/07/2013 23:58

What leisure time do you get, OP? You should be having at least four hours a week to do something that's just for you,whether that's Saturday night or Sunday morning. Child-free, chore-free time in a family does not belong to the Man Of The House, it should be shared equally.