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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about DH' s hobby?

100 replies

flowersinavase · 06/07/2013 19:50

I'm a SAHM with two DCs: 2.11 and 5m. DH works very long hours and often travels during the week. During the week I'm effectively a single parent.

DH has a hobby (a sport) which he goes to Saturday afternoons: he's out of the house from noon to 4. I support it since his week is otherwise very sedentary (he does sport rather than watches) and it's good for him to do something other than work.... but I'm getting very resentful of it: I have the children all week and now don't get any help most of Saturday..

It's hard to organize play dates etc at the weekend since for everyone else, it's family time...

AIBU in asking him to stop going? It feels very selfish but I don't want every weekend to end in resentment..

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 07/07/2013 09:17

But you can't suddenly decide to go to the park, or to a friends house, or flop in front of the telly.

I don't personally want to do those things every day. I wouldn't find it fulfilling. Fair play if you do, but I don't.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/07/2013 09:21

Cinnarbar - you realise you're doing exactly the same thing don't you?!? Assuming your life is the 'best' way. It is for you. It isn't for someone else.

curlew · 07/07/2013 09:24

"I don't personally want to do those things every day. I wouldn't find it fulfilling. Fair play if you do, but I don't."

That's great. Don't. But I was responding to someone who said that one of the advantages of going out to work was going to the loo on your own and drinking a cup of tea in one sitting........

curlew · 07/07/2013 09:28

"You see what I did there, curlew? It's called empathy. You might want up try it some time."

loving the empathy! You might want to read back over your posts and their "if you're fulfilled by spending the day playing dens then fair play to you- it's certainly not enough to fulfil me" tone!

LovelyMarchHare · 07/07/2013 09:34

If you're still around OP .....

Did he do this sporting activity before you had children? Is he part of a team? Is it very important to him?

I completely understand how you feel but I fear pushing him into forced 'family time' during those 4 hours is only going to backfire. He will feel resentful and that's hardly conducive to happy times.

Better I think to discuss a possible compromise. I think that you should make more of the rest of Saturday (before and after)and have a definite plan for Sunday. also, is it a sport you and the children could go and watch from time to time? Or could you meet him afterwards and go out for tea now and then? That way you aren't all sitting around waiting for him to go and then waiting for him to come back again.

CinnabarRed · 07/07/2013 09:34

I don't personally want to do those things every day. I wouldn't find it fulfilling. Fair play if you do, but I don't.

May I refer you to this live-and-let-live comment from me?

Maybe someone else doing my job would find it so. Which would be understandable and fine.

Or that one?

And I haven't resorted to hurling insults like "wage slave" or telling anyone that they've "gone wrong".

arethereanyleftatall · 07/07/2013 09:41

Chill out cinnabar

CinnabarRed · 07/07/2013 09:46

It's too hot to chill out

hf128219 · 07/07/2013 09:47

4 hours a week? Seriously? That is nothing! Plenty of time to do other things whether as a family or alone.

I work FT, DH never home before 9 in the week, away in the morning at 5. He was also away from home for 6 months last year overseas.

Man up! Tell him how you feel.

stopgap · 07/07/2013 09:47

I actually think he's being selfish. My husband also works long hours, and had a father who worked all the hours during the week, and dedicated a great chunk of the weekends to playing golf, so much so that my husband has zero memories of family day trips etc.

The four hours your husband has to himself are just fine, but the time of day seems quite inconvenient to me. You also need time to yourself. Can you afford a sitter a couple of evenings a week--someone who can be there once the kids are in bed?

curlew · 07/07/2013 10:01

"And I haven't resorted to hurling insults like "wage slave" or telling anyone that they've "gone wrong"."

I used wage slave in inverted commas- it's actually a quotation- sorry if it offended you.

And my gone wrong comment was this - "And if the SAHP isn't having a (mostly) nice time then something's going wrong somewhere." Which I stand by. If any member of the family isn't having a mostly nice time something has gone wrong somewhere and it needs to be sorted.

And I repeat, cinnabar, if you don't see your remarks about being a SAHP being enough for some people but not for you as put downs, then maybe you need to have another look at them.

CinnabarRed · 07/07/2013 10:03

OK. I can't be arsed to fight. You don't like me. Fine. Let's just leave it.

CinnabarRed · 07/07/2013 10:04

And yes, you have offended me. Bitterly.

curlew · 07/07/2013 10:06

Could you explain how I have offended you? As I said, "wage-slave" is a quotation- I only used it because I was bored with WOH parent. But I'll happily retract it.

Ashoething · 07/07/2013 10:29

curlew-stop looking for a fight on someone else's thread. Do you mean to be so rude?

Op-I hope that you are able to sit down with your dh and discuss this to everyone's satisfaction. Sadly like another poster commented I fear this issue may only be the tip of the iceberg.

trackies · 07/07/2013 10:37

But you can't suddenly decide to go to the park, or to a friends house, or flop in front of the telly. You can't say to a friend "You see my clients for me this morning while I catch up on some sleep and I'll see yours tomorrow"

I NEVER flop infront of telly during the daytime.
I do not to get to see my friends as my friends do not live locally.
I hate going to the park as I don't want to run around after my temperamental toddler in my park hoping he doesn't have a meltdown resulting in me having to carry him all the way home kicking and screaming.
I NEVER catch up on sleep. How do you catch up on sleep when you are supposed to be looking after small child on your own?

I've been a SAHM for nearly 4 years. My job was highly pressurized job, including working oncall 24*7, weekend and evening overtime with hardly any notice, overnights after doing a full days work. But i can say that being a SAHM to 2 dc's has been alot harder than my job was.

I do think it depends on your kids. Some are very placid, eat loads and have little problems. Mine are not. They are very active and have health problems.

When DH does a stint on his own he fully acknowledges how difficult it is looking after them, and how you do not get time to do anything. He looks absolutely shattered.

OP YANBU. Your DC's are still very young. And can see why 12-4 feels like most of the day as you presumably have to be back by 11.45am for DH to go out. Sometimes this resentment can be brought about if you have no time. Would you be happy to get 4 hours a week off ? DH and i have talked about him getting a few hours off every weekend to do footie stuff but we both feel they are too young and difficult at the moment. In reality my few hours off would prob mean meusually results in me catching up on paper work, housework, cleaning etc. So it's not really a few hours off, but at least i get some stuff done.

badguider · 07/07/2013 10:42

Ignoring the stupid woh/sah debate - this would work fine in our house. I'd take sat morning to myself and have a mini-lie-in then sport and a coffee and the papers while dh took the kids and re-engaged with them after a week of mostly working without having me hovering over them doing stuff "my way". Then he'd do his sport. Then family tea, shared bath and bef and evening together as a couple.
Sundays always kept free for family trips.

That's not how we organise our weekends but its a quick example of how it could be equitable and fair and enjoyable for everyone. I don't think the 4hr sport is the issue - if there is resentment then is it more to do with equality of personal time to re-charge?

ParadiseChick · 07/07/2013 10:43

I can't stand this equal time of mission thing. My time, his time, family time. How about just being instead of micro managing everyone's time!

DontmindifIdo · 07/07/2013 11:18

ParadiseChick - because for a lot of couples, if they don't plan it, they end up like the OP's relationship, one has a set "thing" they have to do at a set time that takes a set amount of the "non-work and DCs awake" time (ie, the weekend), but as the other doesn't have an organised thing they do to have some time away from the DCs, then that person ends up with no "free" time unless they agree to carve out some time to themselves, or they just take random other time leading to DCs never getting days with both parents.

A lot of couples don't mind this, so many woman never have time away from the DCs and don't seem to mind the lack of freedom (I have friends who say things like its 6 months since they had a haircut, not lack of funds, just they never have time to go, because the idea of goiing out and leaving their DCs with their DH is an event, not just something that happens weekly, yet the same woman's DHs seem to be always doing stuff that's not work or with family). And then on the other side, I know families who never do stuff all together on the weekend, it's always one or the other parent out.

KingRollo · 07/07/2013 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/07/2013 11:24

Yes, if you don't plan and insist, it's all too likely that the man will do what he wants, because he is The Man Of The Household, and regards the woman as his housekeeper and childminder. Itis a big, ongoing problem that so many men still feel entitled to carry on behaving as though they don't have children; their hobbies and leisure time must continue - because picking up the slack and putting everyone else first is what women are for.

NoComet · 07/07/2013 11:34

solidgold Hits the nail on the head.
If a woman wants time to herself, she asks her DH to watch the DCs.

DH just vaporizes to his workshop and assumed I was on toddler watch.

Well actually he didn't assume, he probably forgot there was a toddler to watch.

To be fair DH is brilliant with older DCs and far more pacient with sorting out HW and things than I am.

He still assumes all meals are my job, unless told otherwise. This makes me as he is a sodding good cook.

zzzzz · 07/07/2013 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marriedinwhiteagain · 07/07/2013 11:41

When ours were tiny I gave up a six figure salary to be with them because I liked being with them. I loved the park, I loved baby and toddler group, I loved the little music group, I loved being with them, story time at the library - even watching Teletubbies with them. At that time DH was working all the hours God sent including weekends - there were times it was tough but I always enjoyed being with the dc and felt privileged that I could be. Personally I found it much easier than shlepping to the City every day and spending every day on a noisy trading floor. DH facilitated me staying at home with the DC at that time and I didn't resent him going to football on Saturday afternoons one little bit - in fact I thought he should go - he still goes but the dc are 15 and 18 now.

We are all different.

Drhamsterstortoise · 07/07/2013 11:42

Badguider that sounds ideal.Its all about sitting down and making a plan isn't it.Even writing it out and sticking it to the fridge-think that's what I'm going to do!Otherwise dp doesn't seem to realise he has had so much time to himself.When it's there in black and white it becomes more obvious.

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