about DH' s hobby?

[flowersinavase]

I'm a SAHM with two DCs: 2.11 and 5m. DH works very long hours and often travels during the week. During the week I'm effectively a single parent.

DH has a hobby (a sport) which he goes to Saturday afternoons: he's out of the house from noon to 4. I support it since his week is otherwise very sedentary (he does sport rather than watches) and it's good for him to do something other than work.... but I'm getting very resentful of it: I have the children all week and now don't get any help most of Saturday..

It's hard to organize play dates etc at the weekend since for everyone else, it's family time...

AIBU in asking him to stop going? It feels very selfish but I don't want every weekend to end in resentment..

I work FT and I love having play dates at the weekend. It is the only chance I get to see the DCs friends.

It's 4 hours!

curlew - I have a six figure job in a high power city accounting firm, plus 3 hours of commute each day, plus regular travel. I work FT. I love my job.

I also have 3 children under 6.

I found being a SAHM infinitely more tiring and stressful than my job.

Just saying.

The hours fall at the main part of the day that you'd want to make plans! Why can't he start a Hal eight and be back for lunch?!

"oh do fuck off curlew and stop presuming that your experience can be extrapolated out to everyone else."

I'm not. I am saying that stating that a parent staying at home is having as tiring and stressful time as a parent working long hours in a high pressure job with lots of travelling is not necessarily true. And maybe in the cases where it is true, the parent staying at home needs to reevaluate a bit. There is more scope for flexibility in being a SAHP than there is in being a "wage-slave". And if the SAHP isn't having a (mostly) nice time then something's going wrong somewhere.

He should be able to have a few hours at the weekend for his hobby. Equally so should you.

You can then spend them together as a family.

I can see that 12-4 is a little inconvenient. Can't he do it in the morning then you'd have the whole afternoon/ early evening together.

I'm only mentioning long hours and lots of travelling because that's what the OP is talking about. The same applies to any WOH parent.

OP - I think YABU to ask him to stop his hobby. It is only 4hrs on a Sat.

I suspect that it feels like a big deal in your mind because you are getting very little respite yourself. You might feel less resentful if you build in some free time for yourself to do something, or nothing!

Curlew it can be just a s stressful and tiring as a fill time job.

It never was for me as my DDs were always quite easy going. However I've had friends whose dc were a nightmare, being with them all day and night, without any support, was just as tiring and stressful.

Hence I've seen fiends go back to work very quickly with their second/third babies as they don't want to be at home with them. They actually say, their work is less stressful than being at home.

There is more scope for flexibility in being a SAHP than there is in being a "wage-slave". And if the SAHP isn't having a (mostly) nice time then something's going wrong somewhere.

Now you've really offended me.

I'm not a wage slave. I'd do my job for a fraction of the wage, because I love it (although don't tell my boss because the money is nice too).

And if you're not suited to playing endless games of Imaginary Picnic or dens or roll-the-ball, all day every day, as I am not suited, then it's not a particularly enjoyable experience without something having "gone wrong".

So, as PP said, please stop foisting your views on us as if they were fact.

FWIW, I relish every single second of my weekends with the DSs because I am away from them during the week. I have arranged flexible working terms so I am always at home for the breakfast and bedtime routines - and I am an infinitely better mother to them because I work.

I would not, for one moment, choose to spend 12-4 every Saturday away from my family.

I agree with cinnabarRed - have experienced being a SAHM for 3 years and then back to my high pressure, lots of travel job. Being a SAHM is MUCH harder IMHO!

OP - I have to agree that 12-4 ends up taking up most of the day. As others have suggested, can he do this hobby at another time? Or can you afford a sitter so that you get the same time off? Sounds to me like you need a break too.

I don't want to put words in OP's mouth, but I think it's not so much that her DH sets aside 4 hours per week for his hobby.

I think it's that these hours fall square in the middle if Saturday meaning that they can't do day trips as a family.

I would resent that too, TBH.

Especially because many attractions open at 10 and close at 5 - so if her DH is busy 12-4 then it really isn't possible to go to them as a family.

I'm with curlew, but can appreciate it's not the same for everyone. When I was a sahm I watched movies whilst the girls slept, or did an exercise video. Playdates we're with my friends too. You can't do any if that in an office job.

True. I guess it's different for everyone.

4 hours is not an unreasonable amount of time to have to yourselves, both of you, each week. But agree. If it could be moved to a different time that would be better. My hubby plays golf every weekend, but he leaves at 6am and returns at noon so we have afternoon together.

"But then, in an office job you can read emails in peace, or go to the loo on your own, or have adult conversations and finish a cup of tea in one sitting."

But you can't suddenly decide to go to the park, or to a friends house, or flop in front of the telly. You can't say to a friend "You see my clients for me this morning while I catch up on some sleep and I'll see yours tomorrow"

All jobs have their boring, tedious and stressful elements. Whether it's being chairman of ICI, being a shelf stacker in Tesco or looking after children at home.

Yanbu-and the posters saying oh its only 4 hours are being disingenuous. Its the best part of the day and with kids that age I presume they go to bed about 6ish? So hardly any time in fact to have some time as a family.

I would ask him if he can either do it a couple of nights during the week or every second Saturday. He is being very selfish imo.

I don't think he's being unreasonable in wanting those 4 hrs at all. But I do agree if he could shift them it would be much better for family life.

My situation is similar but my oh works Saturdays instead of Hobbies. I did resent it when my son was a baby but now its not so bad, I use it as time to see my family and friends

All jobs have their boring, tedious and stressful elements. Whether it's being chairman of ICI, being a shelf stacker in Tesco or looking after children at home.

Mine doesn't. Not for me, anyhow. Maybe someone else doing my job would find it so. Which would be understandable and fine. I'd advise such a personto consider whether they would be happier doing something else. Not telling them something had "gone wrong" with being a "wage slave".

You see what I did there, curlew? It's called empathy. You might want up try it some time.