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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DM is trying to put pressure on my DD

87 replies

aquicknamechangepost · 04/07/2013 19:12

My DM has been watching the Child genius programme on channel4. My DD (9) has a high IQ and she could be a 'child genius'. However me + DH decided when the school informed us about it that we wouldn't push her as we just wanted her to be happy. DD is just like any regular kid her age she is in her normal year group and she is happy. The school did offer to move her up a year but she didn't want to leave her friends so she has stayed as she is. We are happy and she is happy and if anything the programme has just made us happier about our decision.

DM has DD and her younger brother once a week after school for an hour. This was her choice because she wanted to spend time with them. DM knows DD is clever because she used to work in DDs school, it is not something I would of told her otherwise because she was pushy with me throughout my childhood (and I wasn't smart at all) DM has always said that she is happy with our decision.

However last week when I collected DD she said that my DM had made her do her homework there and had sat next to her the whole time and that afterwards she had found some playing cards and told her to try and remember the order (like one of the tests on the programme)
Today when I collected the DCs I asked my DM about it. She said that she wanted to test DD and she thinks that we should push her and that if we start pushing her and studying now she could get her GCSE maths before she turns 13. She said we are failing her and we are awful parents and we should try and get DD into MENSA but they probably won't take her because I am thick. I told her that if I couldn't trust her the DCs couldn't see her anymore. She was VERY angry and she was screaming down the path as I was leaving (Luckily DH had already taken the DCs home in advance) she was saying that we put more effort into DS because he was stupid (He is not he has ADHD) and that I had given my child stupid. I told her that she would never see my DCs again.

Was I being unreasonable to never take the DCs there again. What she said about DS was unforgivable and I don't want here to push DD into doing things she wouldn't want to do. But I can't tell if I am just being over emotional because of my childhood and how stupid she made me feel growing up.

OP posts:

TakingTheStairs · 04/07/2013 19:14

What she said to you about you being stupid was nasty and horrible and I think you have every right to ignore her until she apologises. Properly.

YouTheCat · 04/07/2013 19:15

She sounds like a nightmare.

Let her simmer but if she won't see sense about YOUR children, I'd not let her see them unsupervised.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 04/07/2013 19:19

She sounds awful. Poor you.:( I think you are absolutely right not to let her emotionally abuse your babies. I would not take them there again unless she apologised profusely and genuinely and promised not tobe horrible and critical of your children again.

Original poster

aquicknamechangepost · 04/07/2013 19:20

I feel bad because my DCs do love her and would probably be upset if they couldn't see her again. But I would never forgive myself if she upset them.

OP posts:

TeWiSavesTheDay · 04/07/2013 19:23

What she did wasn't great, but forgiveable.

However the way she spoke to you was utterly vile and unforgiveable.

If it was me I would need a massive unreserved heartfelt and full apology before I would consider allowing unsupervised access to my kids.

However having a mum a bit like this myself, I wouldn't hold your breath.

thepixiefrog · 04/07/2013 19:24

Poor you, she sounds unbearable. My DM is toxic but even she would not be so overtly abusive to me or my DC. If she did I would cut off contact immediately. You owe her nothing and you and your DC probably don't gain anything positive from having her in your lives. You 'gave your ds stupid'!!!??? I just cannot believe someone could say that to someone they loved.

MortifiedAdams · 04/07/2013 19:27

Your DD sounds like she will do very well at GCSE when she gets to yr 11. Your DM is mad to want her to sacrifice her childhood just to do something so early that she will do anyways.

Hissy · 04/07/2013 19:30

No apology?

No more contact.

What a truly vicious and horrible woman, you must have suffered at her hands.

Original poster

aquicknamechangepost · 04/07/2013 19:31

MortifiedAdams That's how me and DH see it. Plus if DD wanted to do the GCSE early then we would support her but DD would rather read books and play in the park with her friends.

OP posts:

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/07/2013 19:34

I would never, ever forgive anyone for calling my child stupid, how fucking dare she?! That alone would be enough for me to cut her dead for a very long time.

As for your DD of course YANBU it is your's and your DH decision and I personally think you've made the right one for your DD. It's the one I'd make. It's all very well being very clever but if you're miserable, you're miserable. A high IQ wont magically make it ok.

Original poster

aquicknamechangepost · 04/07/2013 19:36

I have no idea if she will apologise. I have never heard her apologise for anything before. But she does love my DCs so you never know.

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 04/07/2013 19:37

She sounds tóxico To me, YANBU but if you think. DCs would like still To see grandma then make it súpervised visits.

You are clearly not stupid and neither is your DS, but your mother is a classic case of stupidity if she thinks that her behaviour could be anything other than distructive.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 04/07/2013 19:38

First of all, it's my opinion that you are doing the right thing with your daughter. I was put up a year, put through IQ tests, joined Mensa as a child etc, and it didn't add any happiness to my life.

DS2 is probably more able than I am, but the only 'special treatment' he gets is extra teachers coming into his primary school to do his Maths & Science, and the occasional Masterclass. I know he can count cards because I've noticed him doing it in card games, but there's no hot-housing or coaching. He is currently a 6A/7C in Maths, but will be sitting the GCSE when he is 15 or 16 like everyone else.

As for your mum, I wouldn't be falling over myself to spend time with someone who was so negative. Let her cool off for a few weeks.

Inertia · 04/07/2013 19:39

What awful things to say about your DS and you.

I'd give her a very wide berth until she realises exactly how unacceptable her behaviour was.

Original poster

aquicknamechangepost · 04/07/2013 19:45

ThreeBeeOneGee Thanks , DD gets to go to the class above to get more reading books and she may have an extra teacher for maths and science next year but that's about it because she would rather be in her class doing everything her friends are doing.

OP posts:

thepixiefrog · 04/07/2013 19:55

OP, her 'love' is very conditional and potentially damaging to your DC and definitely damaging to you. She doesn't respect you or your abilities as a parent and she will always believe that she knows best re your DC. I'm aware that I'm taking a much harsher line than most of the other posters, but parents (and grandparents) like this will never be reasonable. You may patch things up this time, and it may even be ok for a while, but it will always happen again and you will always be the one who works extra hard to keep the relationship going. She will not put any effort into maintaining a healthy mutually respectful relationship because she doesn't know what that looks like.

thepixiefrog · 04/07/2013 19:57

BTW you and your dh sound like amazing parents who absolutely have your dc's best interests at heart. Don't ever let your DM make you doubt yourself.

Original poster

aquicknamechangepost · 04/07/2013 20:16

Thank thepixiefrog I will try and I understand what you are saying I think I probably do work harder on the relationship.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 04/07/2013 20:35

I bet you're actually quite intelligent. I'd be avoiding her like the plague.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/07/2013 20:50

I second what thepixiefrog said.

It must be really hard for you knowing what to do with your dd considering your background.
I'm not surprised you feel this way towards your dm, she is totally out of order and nasty to say those things.
Ime your dd will tell you if she wants to get involved with any genius or acceleration programmes.
let your mum come to you and completely ignore her until she apologises. She needs you more than you needing her.
I can't believe a dm would say such things, its beyond unreasonable.
When she does apologise you need to find the strength to let her know how you have felt all these years about the comments she has made, what she has done to you emotionally. Also I'd be letting her know that you love your dc the same whatever their academic potential and unless she can do this she can swivel.
I am and for you.

IAmNotAMindReader · 04/07/2013 20:57

Your mother is clearly favouring your daughter over her brother, especially if she can openly say your daughter is such a prodigy while in the next breath pouring scorn on your son as being stupid.

You say yourself in your post your mother spent all the time they were there singly devoting her attention to your daughter. If this is a norm then it won't be long before your son notices and doesn't find your mothers so much fun any more.

If you still wish them to remain in contact do it under your supervision so you can properly gauge the extent of your mothers favouritism and step in before it can become damaging.

pointythings · 04/07/2013 21:00

I think not putting your child through a TV circus makes you a good parent. I think that putting your child's happiness first makes you a good parent. My parents were faced with the option of putting me ahead a year and decided not to. Three children in my year did go ahead a year and went to secondary school a year early. Then later on they all got held back a year because they could not cope - socially, academically or emotionally. I am very glad my parents spared me that.

I have two very able DDs - G&T, masterclasses, differentiation and extra teaching all catered for in their respective schools (state, btw). They are happy, they are doing very very well and I intend to let them have every morsel of childhood I can give them.

Original poster

aquicknamechangepost · 04/07/2013 21:57

Thank you
My mum just posted a letter through the door whilst we were upstairs. It's an old family photo of me and her and my younger sibling. There is also my old school report from when I was 4 and on the bottom she has written
"See I am right you are stupid"

OP posts:

Original poster

aquicknamechangepost · 04/07/2013 22:03

I don't think I can ever have her alone with my DCs again.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 04/07/2013 22:04

What a vile thing to do. I am so sorry she is being such a bitch.

I want to echo what the others have said, it sounds to me like you are doing exactly the right thing for your dd. You are clearly intelligent and capable of making excellent choices for your children. Hold on to that thought and remember how lucky your children are to have you as their parent. I am sorry you were not so lucky with your parent

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