My DM is trying to put pressure on my DD

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My DM has been watching the Child genius programme on channel4. My DD (9) has a high IQ and she could be a 'child genius'. However me + DH decided when the school informed us about it that we wouldn't push her as we just wanted her to be happy. DD is just like any regular kid her age she is in her normal year group and she is happy. The school did offer to move her up a year but she didn't want to leave her friends so she has stayed as she is. We are happy and she is happy and if anything the programme has just made us happier about our decision.

DM has DD and her younger brother once a week after school for an hour. This was her choice because she wanted to spend time with them. DM knows DD is clever because she used to work in DDs school, it is not something I would of told her otherwise because she was pushy with me throughout my childhood (and I wasn't smart at all) DM has always said that she is happy with our decision.

However last week when I collected DD she said that my DM had made her do her homework there and had sat next to her the whole time and that afterwards she had found some playing cards and told her to try and remember the order (like one of the tests on the programme)
Today when I collected the DCs I asked my DM about it. She said that she wanted to test DD and she thinks that we should push her and that if we start pushing her and studying now she could get her GCSE maths before she turns 13. She said we are failing her and we are awful parents and we should try and get DD into MENSA but they probably won't take her because I am thick. I told her that if I couldn't trust her the DCs couldn't see her anymore. She was VERY angry and she was screaming down the path as I was leaving (Luckily DH had already taken the DCs home in advance) she was saying that we put more effort into DS because he was stupid (He is not he has ADHD) and that I had given my child stupid. I told her that she would never see my DCs again.

Was I being unreasonable to never take the DCs there again. What she said about DS was unforgivable and I don't want here to push DD into doing things she wouldn't want to do. But I can't tell if I am just being over emotional because of my childhood and how stupid she made me feel growing up.

Things said in the heat of the moment I can sort of understand, although not excuse or condone.

This last action required planning and was done after she'd had time to cool off. For me, that would be a deal-breaker. No more contact. It would not be good for your children to be looked after by someone who is so negative about their mother.

Is this characteristic of her? If not, then I'd wonder why her personality has changed. Has she been drinking? Does she have a personality disorder that you know of? Could this be the beginnings of dementia? This is not the action of a well adult who is fully functioning as a parent and grandparent.

She really is vile. There is clearly not goimg to be any reasoning with her.

your children are really not going to lose out by not being around her.

She has always had a temper. But never this extreme. But then last time I fought with her like that I was 16.

I was put up a year, put through IQ tests, joined Mensa as a child etc, and it didn't add any happiness to my life.

Well, quite. I just can't understand why anyone thinks that pushing their kids to join MENSA is actually going to add anything to their lives at all except perhaps for bragging rights. I just don't see the point.

OP, your mum sounds toxic. I can't believe what she wrote on your report! YANBU to say that she needs to apologise before she sees your kids again.

what a horribly toxic woman.

I was a very clever child and I often felt - still feel, sometimes - that it was the only reason my parents really liked me. I am a total approval junkie now and struggle with perfectionism. Not that my intelligence has got me anywhere, mind, as my mental health issues somewhat got in the way.

I still have to stop myself instantly reporting any achievements of my DCs to my parents because I don't want that to be the reason they love them. I have got the impression for example that they are still unhappy that DD isn't really fluent at reading yet. She is doing well in school (just turned 6) but I was reading by 3 and so anything is slow compared to that, according to my parents...

I can understand putting your child forward for Mensa, to give them a peer group that "gets them", but it sounds like your DD has plenty of friends/support with her current peer group. If she was isolated and struggling socially, I could see some benefit in a like minded group of children.

But her behaviour is appalling - I wouldn't be letting the DC with her alone OR with you, she obviously feels this is her right to comment like this, regardless of who is around.

I'd be returning the report & note through her letterbox with something like "stupid is cutting your family out of your life and not see your grandchildren grow up because you can't respect their mother or her parenting decisions".

Honestly, what is she bringing to your family? Anything positive?

There is no way I would have contact with her again.

It would be like visiting the reactor at Fukushima. All may appear well on the surface, but she will be leaking toxic radiation all over the place and ultimately it will cause irreparable harm to you and your dc's. I had a childhood friend who had a toxic granny (she was the stupid one), she had eating, drug abuse and abusive relationship issues as a teenager/young adult.

You have done so well to protect yourself from her toxicity thus far. The fact that you feel able to challenge her and strong enough to take a stand for your kids is testament to that.

You really do not need her kind of 'love' in your life.

Oh my God. Her last action had me gobsmacked. Just stay away. My child who's 5 has never met my mum because I'm so worried about her toxicity. It isn't easy, but thankfully you have DH to support you.

She sounds horrible. YANBU not only not to take your DC there again but never go there again yourself if you don't want to.

And don't buy the old "she's just got a temper" line, it's used to excuse way too much vile behaviour. Finding that school report, writing that note and putting it through your door was not done in a fit of rage, it was a cold, calculated act of pure nastiness.

Omg, she actually went and dug out an old school report and put it through your door? No, she is toxic. There is a thread on here called 'Stately homes' which I think will help you a lot.

May I also say - as a complete random on the Internet - that your posts are well written, completely comprehensible and reek of a common-sense, well thought-out and considered approach to your children. You certainly don't seem stupid to me. Far from it. Your mother can suck it.

She spent the whole time both your DC were there sitting with the 'clever' one and ignoring the 'stupid' one.

How long until your DS is the actual target of the comments and insults? How long before he realises how he is thought of in comparison to his sister?

If she won't stop you have to stop her.

After the update about the school report and photo, I'd just cut her off, ignore all her attempts at trying to get attention and carry on with your happy family life without her, she is bat shit crazy and it's all about her being in control and getting her way. You kids won't be damaged from not having her around, in fact they will probably thrive without her trying to pick favorites and hot house your Dd.

Sorry, but you realise that your mother is an abusive person. Had an abusive father. You really don't want a person like that having any influence over your children. I still see my father but it's limited, I would never let him have sole access to my children and would never take the kind of abusive shit off him I did when I was younger.

Wow.

Just wow.

I'm so sorry you have to have this happen to you.

That's it now, game over.

Please don't let her anywhere near your lovely family.

Thank you wilson

I can't give you any advice about your DM, who I think has behaved appallingly. But I want to give you some advice about your dd. I was very very good at school, and they identified me as 'academically gifted' when I got to secondary school. I was asked to see the special needs staff who were tasked with ensuring I was being sufficiently 'challenged' (I was at a large ordinary state comprehensive). When I was in year 7 they told me they could move me up a year, and did I want to. I talked to my parents who put no pressure on me, and we all resolutely agreed no. Why would I 'give away' a year of my childhood? Why be put into the year ahead where I had no friends and would likely be picked on as the 'clever nerdy kid'

I stayed where I was, and my teachers made sure I had interesting work to do. I excelled. I got straight a's, did 4 a levels, more straight a's. went to a famous university, got a first, enjoyed my childhood and went to university at the right age when I was emotionally ready for it.

There is no reason at all to pressure children to give away their childhood by jumping years. Doing exams early is pretty pointless and puts pressure on children.

I have seen some stories about !child genius' and then do exams early and get sent to university early, it is so sad. The kids are pushed and don't enjoy their childhood. A lot of them seem to 'go off th rails' when they are older and loose the plot completely. Doing exams early or going to uni early serves no purpose for later life at all.

Work with the school to make sure your dd is having the right opportunities, isn't bored and is being challenged. Encourage education in the home as much as you can. But don't push her, it will only backfire when she is in her teens. Let her blossom in her own time. If she is a cleve sort she will naturally well with the right encouragement.

I've just noticed you said she only has the DCs for an hour once a week. Very easy to just stop that I would have thought, by telling the DCs granny is busy on a Thursday now. Whatever you decide longer term, I wouldn't send them unsupervised at all, I'd worry about what sort of messages she's giving to DS.

Afritutu, you sound exactly like me - mum didn't want me to go ahead a year, I got straight A's @ GCSE/A level and a first class degree. But I wouldn't have done if pushed I reckon...
My DD1 is showing signs of being exceptionally literate (not so much on the maths side), school have already mentioned it, she's just coming to end of reception now. No way will she be pushed or put ahead a year, she is still emotionally and socially a 5 year old and putting her ahead would be terrible for that side of her development. It's not all about the smarts...

Thanks afritutu glad to hear you did so well
It is interesting to see this from people who have been through it (the child genius thing I mean) both children and other parents

OP, I'm so sorry. You sound like a wonderful parent. As a mother, I can't imagine ever treating my child like your mother is treating you. I agree with others, don't go anywhere near her, especially not with your children. Who calls a four year old, be it at the time, or in the future, stupid :(

I can't seem to pick my chin up off the floor! I'm so sorry OP, you must be hurt/angry/devastated in varying degrees. Please look at her last action as confirmation of the despicable human being that she truly is, and then disengage. She is not worthy of your notice. Take care. X

Many selective universities prefer exams to be taken together at the usual time, to demonstrate how a student copes with a significant workload. Taking GCSE maths early would therefore not be helpful!