My DM is trying to put pressure on my DD

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My DM has been watching the Child genius programme on channel4. My DD (9) has a high IQ and she could be a 'child genius'. However me + DH decided when the school informed us about it that we wouldn't push her as we just wanted her to be happy. DD is just like any regular kid her age she is in her normal year group and she is happy. The school did offer to move her up a year but she didn't want to leave her friends so she has stayed as she is. We are happy and she is happy and if anything the programme has just made us happier about our decision.

DM has DD and her younger brother once a week after school for an hour. This was her choice because she wanted to spend time with them. DM knows DD is clever because she used to work in DDs school, it is not something I would of told her otherwise because she was pushy with me throughout my childhood (and I wasn't smart at all) DM has always said that she is happy with our decision.

However last week when I collected DD she said that my DM had made her do her homework there and had sat next to her the whole time and that afterwards she had found some playing cards and told her to try and remember the order (like one of the tests on the programme)
Today when I collected the DCs I asked my DM about it. She said that she wanted to test DD and she thinks that we should push her and that if we start pushing her and studying now she could get her GCSE maths before she turns 13. She said we are failing her and we are awful parents and we should try and get DD into MENSA but they probably won't take her because I am thick. I told her that if I couldn't trust her the DCs couldn't see her anymore. She was VERY angry and she was screaming down the path as I was leaving (Luckily DH had already taken the DCs home in advance) she was saying that we put more effort into DS because he was stupid (He is not he has ADHD) and that I had given my child stupid. I told her that she would never see my DCs again.

Was I being unreasonable to never take the DCs there again. What she said about DS was unforgivable and I don't want here to push DD into doing things she wouldn't want to do. But I can't tell if I am just being over emotional because of my childhood and how stupid she made me feel growing up.

She sounds like a complete witch and I don't blame you for wanting to keep your children away from her. My dad is similar - would always tell me that x was more intelligent and that I wasn't as good as y at something, and that is one of the reasons I no longer have anything to do with him. He tried to get in contact when I was pregnant, and I thought about how sad I would be if he got into my son's head like that and made him feel worthless and second best, and decided not to bother. if she can't even see that what she said was wrong and decides to compound it by calling you stupid, then she really doesn't know how to be a good parent or grandparent and you can't trust her not to say hurtful and damaging things to your kids. Sorry that you ended up with a mother like that and well done for being a much better parent than she is.

mensa? they take the top 2% of people, 1 in 50 qualify. one person I know signed up her child and did not get a lot from it.

broadening education is the way to go. applying maths. doing a gcse very early does not help if she wants to take maths at uni.

and yourr mother sound like one to be avoided. must be quite a shock to find that the relationship has deteriorated so quickly. have you seen the stately homes thrread in rrelationships? they seem to have a good reputation.

That is outrageus OP, Anyone who goes to Those lengths to attack their own child is very twisted indeed. I would cut contact now before she really gets to work on your DS, she has already started with the comment she made as you were leaving.

I have a nieghbour whose mother is similar, he qualified in medicine in his teens, his sister is a wreck. Their mother was Minister of Education, as your mother is so inteligent I just wondered what job she did?

My mum was a teacher until she had me and she hasn't worked since.

I would talk to your DS as I would be worried if she might have been saying undermining things to him.

Wuldric did you miss out the part where the OPs mother called her stupid, and called the OP's DS (her DGS) stupid as well?

It's not the encouraging to do homework that is unacceptable. It's the horrible abusive childish name-calling. What kind of person would call their own child and grandchild stupid?

Wuldric Have you actually read what this woman did? I would not trust her near my children.

When my DS was top year juniors, some of his friends at other schoold sat a further, higher level of SATs. The head at DS's school told me that DS was easily capable of this but it would require extra maths lessons at lunchtime and he believed that time was better spent having fun with friends. He would not let any pupils at his school sit these as, ultimately they did not benefit the child. I think that is a very healthy view of education, why push for something that gives no benefit?

OP to dig out an old report and behave that spitefully is appalling and, I think, unforgiveable. I am quite angry for you having to suffer this hateful woman.

On the Sollecito thread I argued that the OP was over-involved and sympathetic because the 'victim' in her mind (the potential murderer in the mind of the judiciary) was young pretty and white. That is a fair point, you know. The OP on that thread plainly was over-involved, and had her posts deleted for being abusive. I was not deleted. I made my points rationally and clearly as I have done on this thread.

Sometimes I wonder about MN. Some posters are highly rational but there is a tendency to avoid standing back and looking at the facts objectively.

OP, you come across as very intelligent and insightful - certainly more so than your mother, who sounds like she has a personality disorder or MH issues. When it comes to emotional intelligence, she is certainly a real dunce, to put it lightly.

Have you ever considered that you are, and were, perfectly clever and capable, but her obsession with you achieving (and the fact that she was a teacher who never worked after having you) and quite obviously trying to live her life through you and getting all her validation from you (very toxic, very abusive, and totally unfair on the kid) has made you always believe you were not smart? It sounds like nothing you could've done would've been good enough for her (because her real needs had nothing to do with your actual IQ or achievements). Has she been telling you that you're stupid your whole life? It sounds like if had been the most intelligent child ever in the history of humanity, she would've found something to fault you on. This is all about her inadequacies and thwarted ambitions, not you.

And can I just point out how humiliatingly ridiculous it was of her to choose a school report from when you were 4! As if that would have any bearing on how intelligent you became or are now, FFS.

FWIW, I was called a child genius and was a member of Mensa, although I insisted on staying in my year group and sitting exams at normal ages, etc. I can tell you that it was almost a stigma, and has actually fucked up my whole life, having known nothing but expectations of perfection, being able to 'get' everything instantly and effortlessly, and so much more. It felt like I was a performing monkey, not allowed to be a real, ordinary, flawed child. Studies do actually show that child who have a really big deal made out of high intelligence, ie called geniuses, etc., are usually miserable, messed-up adults.

Children, not child, sorry.

Oh, you argued intelligently and sensibly on the Sollecito thread in the way you have done here - OK...

No you continually insulted that OP and when she bit back you reported her. You weren't deleted because no one was petty enough to report you but let your insults stand. You on the other hand were petulant and hippo critical and pressed report when you didn't like what she said. Pathetic.

Sometimes on MN there is a knee-jerk reaction. As here.

Did you read what that woman did When all that woman actually did, if you stand back and look at the facts, is encourage very responsibly her DGD to to her homework and encourage her DGD to do a mentally stimulating game.

She then flipped when she was castigated for doing what was only normal.

The biggest danger, I reckon, as a parent, is that of wanting your child to BE LIKE YOU. A mini-me, yay! But children are not like that. My DS is a mini-me, so I know precisely how to deal with him. DD, however is not. She is an entirely different person. I need to sit down and think about how to encourage and motivate and support her.

Here we have a not-very-academic OP. The route for her is going to be different to that for her academic daughter and also different for her not-academic son. It requires agility. It does not require a knee-jerk reaction.

So you don't think the mother calling the GS stupid, saying that the Op had made him stupid, looking out an old report when the OP was 4yrs old and posting it through her door taunting her that she was stupid is normal and not abusive - ok...

She sounds vile. You are absolutely right to go no contact.

WTF? Yeah let's go no contact with our own mothers who love our children. Way to go.

It would be an acceptable way to go had your mother abused you or your children. She hasn't. You've made a whole heap of shit out of nothing. It is a massively big deal if the way to go is to sever relationships between grandparent and grandchild. It would be acceptable if your children had been abused. But you know, they haven't.

Not for the first time. MN is barking.

So, a good Job requiring a certain level of intelegence, but not the top of her profesión. If she were as intelegent as she thinks she is she would want the best for all of her children and grand children and she would also understand that not everyone's strength is académic.

I think it sounds pretty abusive to say your daughter is stupid and has made your grandson stupid.

Hmmm wuldrich I think the gm has abused her, by calling her stupid and posting her report card from when she was 4 through her door.

She also called ops ds stupid, would you want someone having unsupervised access to your child when they are willing to call them stupid?

Other than that, your posts make you sound a goady twat.

Op, I would stay well clear of the toxic cow.

OP, please ignore Wuldric, who is talking complete rubbish.

I'm sorry your mother is so toxic. You sound like a terrific parent - you are doing absolutely right by your DD, why the frig would she need to take GCSEs that young?

You are breaking the cycle and giving your DCs a much better childhood. You owe this woman nothing. So you're related, it doesn't give her the right to be such a cow.

YANBU. Not even the tiniest bit.

Wow wow wow! Posting your report card from when you were 4 to prove you're stupid as a mature adult???? What a bitch! You're right, heat of the moment may be forgivable; this is unforgivable. I agree with the poster which says you sound articulate which is not always that common I'm finding. Your DD's happiness in school and life is paramount, no need to be a pushy parent. Your DS's happiness to be the best he can be without being put down by his DG is paramount too. I heard my DM calling my DNiece not as clever as my DNeph and I told her not to say stuff like that in front of them (even if it's true) as it makes a lasting impression (it did on me with my siblings). She will need to build a whole lot of trust before I would let her have them unsupervised by me again. She sounds like she was emotionally abusive to you as a kid and now is doing the same to your DCs. Avoid.