My DM is trying to put pressure on my DD

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My DM has been watching the Child genius programme on channel4. My DD (9) has a high IQ and she could be a 'child genius'. However me + DH decided when the school informed us about it that we wouldn't push her as we just wanted her to be happy. DD is just like any regular kid her age she is in her normal year group and she is happy. The school did offer to move her up a year but she didn't want to leave her friends so she has stayed as she is. We are happy and she is happy and if anything the programme has just made us happier about our decision.

DM has DD and her younger brother once a week after school for an hour. This was her choice because she wanted to spend time with them. DM knows DD is clever because she used to work in DDs school, it is not something I would of told her otherwise because she was pushy with me throughout my childhood (and I wasn't smart at all) DM has always said that she is happy with our decision.

However last week when I collected DD she said that my DM had made her do her homework there and had sat next to her the whole time and that afterwards she had found some playing cards and told her to try and remember the order (like one of the tests on the programme)
Today when I collected the DCs I asked my DM about it. She said that she wanted to test DD and she thinks that we should push her and that if we start pushing her and studying now she could get her GCSE maths before she turns 13. She said we are failing her and we are awful parents and we should try and get DD into MENSA but they probably won't take her because I am thick. I told her that if I couldn't trust her the DCs couldn't see her anymore. She was VERY angry and she was screaming down the path as I was leaving (Luckily DH had already taken the DCs home in advance) she was saying that we put more effort into DS because he was stupid (He is not he has ADHD) and that I had given my child stupid. I told her that she would never see my DCs again.

Was I being unreasonable to never take the DCs there again. What she said about DS was unforgivable and I don't want here to push DD into doing things she wouldn't want to do. But I can't tell if I am just being over emotional because of my childhood and how stupid she made me feel growing up.

Wuldric you do know that there are many forms of chikd abuse don't you? It's not just physical or sexual. Emotional abuse is also very damaging. It may well be harder to prove and because there's no physical marks not recognised. But it still damages a child. For the OP to spend her childhood being put down for being 'stupid' was damaging. It would also be damaging for the OP's DD to feel like her sole worth to her GM is because she's 'clever' and for the DS to feel like he has no worth because he's 'stupid'.

The OP and her DH have made a decision on what they feel is right for their DC (and FWIW I agree with you, OP) it is not for the GM to undermine that decision. And until the GM appreciates and enjoys both of her GC for who they are it is best if she stays away.

Wuldric where exactly are you seeing that the op isn't academic? You only have the nasty, poisonous word of her mother and a report card when she was four. She could have a clutch of degrees for all you know. But don't stand back and look at the facts, whatever you do

One would think someone in the teaching profession would have a better understanding of hot housing types of academic tests used on children by stupid care givers who are not intelligent enough to work out that watching a tv program does not make you an expert.

Wuldric are you the OP's mother?

No one thinks a grandmother caring about their grandchildren is a problem. It's these bits:

"...she said we are failing her and we are awful parents and we should try and get DD into MENSA but they probably won't take her because I am thick ... She was VERY angry and she was screaming down the path as I was leaving ... she was saying that we put more effort into DS because he was stupid (He is not he has ADHD) and that I had given my child stupid.... My mum just posted a letter through the door whilst we were upstairs. It's an old family photo of me and her and my younger sibling. There is also my old school report from when I was 4 and on the bottom she has written "See I am right you are stupid".

These aren't the words or actions of a grandparent caring about their grandchildren, they are the words of someone who is a nasty, unhinged bully.

OP, I second the advice to have a look at the "Stately Homes" Thread. Stay strong & ignore your mother

Thanks for all the advice.
Wuldric makes some good points. Of course we worry that we should push DD more but if we did then she wouldn't get to do some of the other activities she does which she enjoys. Also if she wanted to do something (like doing her exams early) she would tell us and we would support her on that. However she would rather do her own thing than come home from school and study.
Also I actually find DD easier to parent in many ways she is similar to me when I was 9 and she loves all the things I did at her age. Also in a way we don't have to worry about her as much because if she puts her mind to it she can do anything she likes in the future. Whereas DSs future is a lot more uncertain.
Oh and of course we used to see my mum during special occasions and weekend visits but the hour a week is the only unsupervised contact she has with the DCs (which was her choice)

Op, I think your judgment about DD not going up a year at school is perfectly valid. My parents (both in education) made the same decision for me. Equally, one boy in my year had been put up. He was noticeably less mature than us at the start of secondary school, but did well. We all liked him. It's not cut and dried, but you know your DD best.

If sitting with your DD doing cards and homework was all there was too it, I'd tell you you were overreacting. But it's not just about DD. Your mother wrote you off as stupid aged four (shit! What a weirdo), and treated you badly because of it. She looks as though she might well be doing the same to your son. She seems to have contempt for you, and possibly will undermine you and your DHs' decision-making about your DD. Unless she rows back from that, I do think you've got a real problem. She sounds as though she's got one or two issues about children and academic achievement , rather than good judgment.

Taking exams early is mainly meaningless, unless within the school your DD can move on to something else. My very bright father did 'A' levels early, stayed at his fairly elite school and was able to go on to something else. That makes sense. Again, you know best as to whether that will suit your DD and whether the school could take her through early maths GCSE then on to AS or another subject or whatever. Plenty of time for that though.

The best thing I think parents can do for a bright child who is happy and doing well at school (apart from love them unconditionally, which your mother seems unlikely to do based on your OP) is provide lots of books, discussion, wider opportunities (theatre, art galleries, museums) and let them drink it all in. When I look back, I think reading the newspaper together, being allowed to express opinions however half-arsed on politics or anything else-which by no means all our friends were, being encouraged to have intellectual curiosity, helped to pursue stuff we were interested in, has propelled me and my siblings to do well as much or more than anything that happened in formal education.

I don't think Wuldric has made good points, because they are not made with any reference to your mother's treatment of your DS.

This is about both your children.

Good luck, OP .

Diabolical behaviour by your mother OP. I would be tempted to write on the school report 'See I was right- you have always been a shit mother'' and put it through her letter box.

Can see both sides of this, but your dd is ur child and as such ur dm should respect ur choice even if she doesn't agree. You may find that dd gets bored at school if work is too easy so it night be worth talking to school about alternatives to moving up a year if u find this to be the case.

As for dm...yadnbu what an evil nasty thing for her to say

Stand ur ground and refuse her contact til.she apologises and agreed to adhere to ur choices

silveroldie yes, that's exactly what she should do.

There are plenty of ways of ensuring that your dd makes the most of her academic potential without taking exams early or moving up a year. Keeping her away from unhinged grandma would seem to be the first

Plenty of parents manage this perfectly well by communicating with the school (assuming the school is responsive), providing extra-curricular activities and encouraging the dc to become self starters.

I find this particularly significant in your posts:

"Of course we worry that we should push DD more but if we did then she wouldn't get to do some of the other activities she does which she enjoys."

This is not a bored, understimulated child, but one who already has interesting things to do which she naturally does not wish to drop.