To find attachment parents pretty blooming judgemental and smug

[rowtunda]

Or is it just me.

Raise your childhowever you want, different mums & different babies etc etc but at the moment I seem to be getting exponents of gentle parenting, attachment parenting, co sleeping, baby wearing ramming it all down my throat, sharing links on facebook to articles about how much they pity parents who use CC, etc etc

Mumsnet also seems to also be full of people who recommend these parenting styles i.e. sitting in a drak room for hours holding your
toddlers hand in a darkened room until they fall sleep, condemning people who use sleep training methods, want an evening sans child etc etc.

Maybe its just all the mums I know who are doing this 'parenting style' are a teensy but self righteous. I think it really annoys me because of the insinuation that I have failed my child (not responding to their needs/breaking the maternal bond etc) by
doing it another way.

I am prepared to be flamed - but does anyone else out their feel the same.

Fine if you want to be an attachment parent but please stop preaching on about it like you have reinvented the wheel!

I agree with Elquota but would agree that it tends to be worse with people with new babies who have read the books and have all the answers without waiting to see what sort if baby they have. Attachment parenting is a bit hard for the sort of baby that wants to be put down and have its own space.
I can't say it bothers me because 20yrs or so on you realise that it really doesn't matter. There is no magic formula that says if you do a,b and c with your baby you will get it 'right'.

I have been flamed before for doing CC but the brilliant thing is, I don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. I do what I think is best for my DC and my family/

Try not caring what other people think. It's a lot better

I can see how the term "attachment parenting" can boil the piss, because it does imply that other ways of parenting are somehow "unattached" and therefore less loving. Which is balls. But in a literal sense it is appropriate as the baby is physically attached to you all day.

Smuggery in parenting small children is fucking annoying and divisive in any form. For example, I know that a lot of formula feeders sometimes feel guilty and judged for their choice (or non-choice if they couldn't breastfeed); however, I encountered a great deal of smugness from another new mother who formula fed in the early days when I was finding breastfeeding painful, demanding and difficult with my very colicky baby.

I just follow my instincts and do what is best for me and baby. I don't know what attachment parenting is. There are a lot of words and labels being made up for a certain way of bringing up babies which is all a bit of bs IMO. I'm still sleeping with DS next to me in his cot. He's been sleeping through for months now. I'm not following "attachment parenting" though. I'm following my instinct, same way I gave my babies the same food we ate. It wasn't fucking "baby led weaning", it was me following my instincts and knowing what was best for my baby.

There's no right or wrong way to do things. Parenting is all a bit of trial and error.

Don't start me on BLW- the mother chooses what to give the baby and when the baby will be fed! The baby has the choice of whether to eat it or not- the same as if offered a spoon of something. ( if you can get a spoonful of food down a baby who doesn't want it you cleverer person than me!)

And fwiw parenting books with all sorts of preachy methods were around in our parents' day, and in our grandparents' day.* It's only in retrospect that said parents and grandparents have developed the idea that they were so incredibly laidback and instinctive that they didn't need anyone to tell them what to do.

So will we by the time we come to be grandparents

In fact, now that my dc are teens I can already feel an idea that it was easier in my day stealing over me. But then I remember my mother saying exactly the same thing to me when my dc were little- and I also remember enough of my own childhood to realise my mother was not always as laidback and confident as she is when she remembers it.

*(read e.g. the bit in Anne of Green Gables where her daughter has read the bit about controlled crying, or the bit where Anne herself claims to have read a parenting manual that states that she mustn't kiss her son because she might give him Oedipus complex).

The mother is always made to feel guilty- once you realise that you will be made to feel this whatever you do- you can let go and do your own thing.

I wouldn't do it, but I get the urge to hold chocolate gateaux near enough for the baby to reach and then when it has a mouthful say innocently, 'but I thought it was baby led'.

I probably fall into what people term 'ap' though I really dislike labelling it, and from my perspective I am fed up of being judged for that. I am so fed up of being told I shouldn't co-sleep, that sitting with my son till he falls asleep will make him dependant and a 'wimp' apparently, that bf beyond 6mths 'is just wrong', that carrying new baby in a sling will make him clingy, etc etc. I have happy children and I am happy with our style of parenting, I couldn't care less what people think beyond that! This 'judgey' door swings both ways so agree with others let each parent do as they please and what works for them.

It's a shame you feel like that.
I think I might be "accused" of AP as I ebf and don't use cc and even use a sling. But it's just how I get through the day / night.

I personally have received direct and indirect criticism for not encouraging a earlier separation and independence in my DCs from women who have bottle fed their babies or put them to bed differently.

Different children also have different needs don't they?
My DS likes to be cuddled to sleep most nights. (PFB??) my DD seems more content to "self soothe".

My parenting "style" is a combination of my ideals and what I can manage.
I don't believe in cc. I do believe in ebf and i was lucky enough to be able to do it.
I don't feel smug about that.
But I'm not going to keep it a secret.

I'm another one winging it and hoping for the best. It seems to be working!

DH and i never really had anything to do with babies - i'd not even held one for years before DS was born! We ended up with a tiny prem and we've rubbed along just fine without having an official style of parenting.

We take advice or ignore it depending on who's giving it pick up on new stuff he does at nursery etc. It works for us.

Tbh all the people i know who follow strict styles trip up as much as we do. DS willingly goes straight to his carer at nursery. He's never cried at being left and I've never had to stay to settle him whereas i know others had. Luck or parental guidance? Who knows. I don't mock others who have to leave screaming babies because mine goes mental for other reasons (no you can't have another bloody biscuit / play in the garden at 8pm/ get up at 4am...)

Most of it is down to luck i reckon! Parent how you want but i can't be doing with listening to the baby martyrs who are still wiping their kids arsed when they're 16!

Don't start me on BLW- the mother chooses what to give the baby and when the baby will be fed! The baby has the choice of whether to eat it or not- the same as if offered a spoon of something. ( if you can get a spoonful of food down a baby who doesn't want it you cleverer person than me!)

BLW gives me the rage weaning (are we allowed to call it weaning) is all the babies choice

arf Satans wheelbarrow

It's extremely rude and bad manners to give advice or criticise other people's parenting choices unless asked so just don't!!

Why the hell would anyone follow 'a method'.

I have 4 and each one was so different from day 1 that it would have been ridiculous to follow some sort of mantra.

Dc1 lived being held/rocked and dc2 hated it and fought to self settle. He HATED the sling.

Each baby is unique like each parent so treat them as such.

Exactly thebody that is why is mentioned what if the style doesn't work of course the majority of parents are sensible and will try other things but there must be parents who fret if something doesn't work out and they think they are doing wrong, labelling baby rearing is too much pressure imo,

The thing that irks me about the 'attachment' word in 'attachment' parenting is that if you actually read the research on attachment theory, rather than the various biased re-tellings of it in parenting 'guru' books, it states clearly that an infant's attachment style is strongly (though not invariably) predicted by the adult's state of mind with respect to attachment.

In other words, a child's attachment style is predicted NOT by what the parent does, but by the parent's own experiences and mindset. In other words, you can cosleep and babywear until the cows come home, but you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, chances are your child will develop the same attachment style. Anyone martyring themselves in the name of attachment and believing it's for the good of their child and will help them be securely attached is wasting their time.

In many cases, the effort would be far better spent by the parent getting some decent long-term psychotherapy in order to work through their own attachment and infancy-related issues.

Disclaimer: I am NOT saying that people who AP (or anything else) should see a psychotherapist. If AP works for you, that's great. But the notion that it has much if any effect on a child's attachment style is at best unproven and more likely at worst a load of guilt-inducing bollocks.

Yes agree above, the trouble is if you join groups with a mantra and it doesn't work for you and your baby then you are seen as 'failing' and for a first time mum this can be very upsetting.

I like the baby led/ parent halt method myself.

So you go with the flow and do what's nice for baby and then when you realise that actually a human person DOES need sleep you may need to step up and ( oh my god) cc

When your precious tiny baby gets to be a whacking toddler who puts your back out you may put it down to ( oh my god) walk/ buggy.

When your precious baby gets bigger and kicks you in the head while you attempt to co sleep then you may need to ( oh my god) get it a bed!!!

When your precious tiny baby gets really big and you feel the need to go out and get pissed/ life back in track it may be time for ( oh my god) packing your tits away and giving it a cup.

oh @packing your tits away

If you are confident in your own choices, why do you care about anyone elses?

If you feel sucure in your own parenting you mind a lot less, probably?

I was an attachment parent through no choice of my own. It was Ds2 idea, he was, almost literally, attached to me until he was 3.

I never talked to other people about this in a smug way, as I did not feel smug, felt a bit of a mug tbh!

But anyway, it did work out in the end

Would never advoctae it as the one and only way though! Though it is fascinating to see how this clingiest of kids that was just "indulged" in his need for semi permanent attachment is now very confident and independent. That bit was unexpected.

I like the body's approach. I haven't actually done the parent halt bit yet but I do intend to (eventually)!
I do agree that those of us who cosleep, don't like leaving our baby to cry and breastfeed do face judgement too. I have in particular and know some people think I'm a "mummy martyr". I didn't intend to be like this and always feel a niggling guilt that I should have my structure to my day, but ah well I'm loving parenthood so it's all good! People judge, that's the problem, and even when they don't, mothers can interpret things being done differently as an implicit judgement - whatever your parenting style. Just do what suits!

I think people who attachment parent, either deliberately or accidentally, are often treated as oddities in RL or at least a bit eccentric. But also attachment parenting appears more obvious. You can't really hide a sling or that you're breastfeeding when you spend any amount of time with someone.

Anything different peaks people's interests. I am often told "ooh I could never do that!" about things I do because they are easier and work for me and my baby. Funnily enough I never suggest anyone should do it

I find anyone who maintains their way is the correct way for everyone is a bit thick very tiresome. Until every parent and every baby is exactly the same there will never be a right way.

Stop taking offence at other people's choices. It will make you happier.

Othehugemanatee - I think your research is severely flawed. I don't think people are getting that the 'ap' or progressive parenting philosophy is about a list of rules as to what to do and what not to do with your baby/child. It is saying put the child's needs first whatever they may be. So whilst for most babies ebf, co-sleeping, baby-wearing will be their preference, there are going to be a few babies who prefer a dummy to a boob etc. that's just fine and dandy and it is important to meets the child's unique needs. It just annoys me when parents cticise AP by saying 'I just parent them all differently blah blah' when parents are using cc and putting their baby in a cot or bottle-feeding is almost always for the parents benefit. That's why people don't like ap parents because it is a reminder that these parents are putting their children first and foremost and other parents don't like to see that. It's too confronting.