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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find attachment parents pretty blooming judgemental and smug

213 replies

rowtunda · 04/07/2013 16:01

Or is it just me.

Raise your childhowever you want, different mums & different babies etc etc but at the moment I seem to be getting exponents of gentle parenting, attachment parenting, co sleeping, baby wearing ramming it all down my throat, sharing links on facebook to articles about how much they pity parents who use CC, etc etc

Mumsnet also seems to also be full of people who recommend these parenting styles i.e. sitting in a drak room for hours holding your
toddlers hand in a darkened room until they fall sleep, condemning people who use sleep training methods, want an evening sans child etc etc.

Maybe its just all the mums I know who are doing this 'parenting style' are a teensy but self righteous. I think it really annoys me because of the insinuation that I have failed my child (not responding to their needs/breaking the maternal bond etc) by
doing it another way.

I am prepared to be flamed - but does anyone else out their feel the same.

Fine if you want to be an attachment parent but please stop preaching on about it like you have reinvented the wheel!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 04/07/2013 17:23

I much prefer my 'detached parenting'. Leave them in a room with a bucket, a bag of crisps and a copy of the radiotimes until they are 20. Grin

MrsLouisTheroux · 04/07/2013 17:23

I wish everybody would just shut up about what they think is right and do things whichever way they choose. Without advertising it to all and sundry.
Well said.

ICBINEG · 04/07/2013 17:25

lovin' the avocado pointing!

Chunderella · 04/07/2013 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Owllady · 04/07/2013 17:31

I am glad in a way that was I was quite young and naive when I had my first two and thought the idea was you just muddled along and did what was best you as I think i would have been completely paranoid. There was no internet in our house either until they were into toddler years

Dackyduddles · 04/07/2013 17:33

Why are you labelling or branding your style of parenting? That's v weird.

I'm just me. Dacky mum. Comes with its own ishoos but I prefer mine to someone like Gina fords thanks.

Mycatistoosexy · 04/07/2013 17:37

I think that it's not just artachment parenting people but just people who think they are right no matter what or that they know it all.

Plenty of people who use CC are completely adamant that you will ruin your child by letting them have their own way, rid for your own back etc etc

Depends on the person, like most things in life really.

Personally I just wing it and ignore everyone else as much as humanly possible

Didactylos · 04/07/2013 18:07

could we have some more styles of parenting to choose from? Id like to define myself in a uniquely smug way

MiaowTheCat · 04/07/2013 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 04/07/2013 18:36

There's nothing new here. People through the ages have patented differently and probably some were 'attached' some did cc etc.

However now they are 'methods' and the only reason for this is to sell books to gullible parents.

Never ever be smug as a parent as it bites your arse.

Burmobasher · 04/07/2013 18:50

I seem to get by with a bit of common sense combined with motherly instinct.
Personally I didn't really feel the need to buy a book telling me how to raise my own children but I guess everybody's different.

TarkaTheOtter · 04/07/2013 19:09

But the "I didn't need to buy a book/instinct/benign neglect" can be just as smug.

I knew nothing about children before dd, now I know very slightly more than nothing and practically everything I have learnt is specific to my child alone.

maddening · 04/07/2013 19:13

From the other pov they probably get all the "rod for your own back" chat and people telling them their ideas are wrong - to the point they feel they have to justify everything they do.

I doubt they are smug though - more you judging them and feeling insecure about your own choices.

As for really smug folk - I reckon you get them in every walk of life/parenting etc

Original poster
rowtunda · 04/07/2013 19:43

Hi folks sorry for the delay in coming back to you but I've actually been holding my toddlers hand whilst he falls asleep! Grin

I love mumsnet - when you let off some steam you guys actually come back with very thoughtful and considered responses (on the whole). I definitely don't have a parenting style and just muddled my way along best I could, but I think I get a bit irate and defensive as I was the first in my group to have kids and since then others seemed to have done a scary amount of research and keep on preaching at me, "we are the only species that try and keep our babies as far away from us as possible as soon as they are born" etc etc and are very loud & fixed on their viewpoints. (& I'm sleep deprived and grumpy!)

I probably am a bit insecure if I'm honest but only because these people seem so damn sure of themselves!! Maybe it's all a front though.

I love 'stop pointing that avocado at me' - its the best article I've read in along time and prob hits the nail on the head - it's my new philosophy in life!!

I can see whatever parenting style you have you can feel judged now and then. Maybe the whole term attachment parenting is particularly irksome and maybe there is just quite a few loud proponents of it around at the moment.

Just stop pointing that bloody avocado at me!!!!Wink

OP posts:
HooverFairy · 04/07/2013 20:07

I'm not sure that it's AP parents which are the smug ones, but I know the kind of thing you mean. It irritates me when people shove their choices in my face and post crap on Facebook suggesting that their choices are far superior to the alternatives. I don't think that being affected by these things suggests you are insecure with your choices, I think the person spouting off is probably insecure about theirs. I find this particularly true when the baby is quite 'difficult' or when said methods aren't really working but the parent has preached so much they can't back track and do something different. I defriended someone on Facebook once because they posted a really judgey status about how breast feeding was the best and only way, it insinuated that formula was like poison. It didn't upset me that she was so proud of breastfeeding her child for so long (4 years I think) but it annoyed me that she was so judgemental of other people's choices. I formula fed after 2 weeks because I was admitted to hospital (it snowed, roads blocked, DH had to feed our baby) so yes, it was a very raw subject, maybe I took it to heart. However, I didn't need to see a photo of her kid in a different colour/style of sling every 5 minutes either. It's irritating when people feel the need to boast about their choices constantly.

honeytea · 04/07/2013 20:07

YANBU. I would say I am an attachment parent than any other type of parent but then I live in Sweden and the info sent home with you from the hospital says things like "the best place for a new baby to get used to the world is in the arms of his/her mother and father" and "sleeping with your baby in the bed is not only important for the baby but it is good for the mother as she doesn't have to get up to feed the baby, it will help the mother and baby bond and help get breastfeeding started" interestingly the Swedes don't have attachment parenting they just have parenting.

I am a member of a few attachment parenting groups on facebook, I mentioned that my 6 month old ds was enjoying the pram more than the sling when he was awake because he likes to chat to me and it is bloody hard to hold eye contact with a child in a sling, so many of the mums were rude about me useing a parent facing pram. I explained that I feel like eye contact and conversation is a very important way to bond with your child and they were almost programed to say sling good pram bad sling good pram bad. It is like they don't think about what the child needs they just have found some rules to follow with allow them to spend lots of money on slings so they can use a different colour every day of the week whilst laughing at stupid people spending money on prams with the sole purpose of emotionally damaging their children.

oohdaddypig · 04/07/2013 21:37

Honey tea - genuine question here - what do they do when their babies are too heavy for slings but can't yet walk long distances? I loved the sling up to 4/5 months and then found it so heavy as to hurt my back etc.

Ps I have two buggies and dd definite prefers to look out, not in! The APs would be horrified I'm sure but I think inquisitive toddlers want to see more than my boring mug all day :)

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/07/2013 21:40

They don't really get that heavy in the right sling. I can carry my 28lb 18 month old for ages in my slings.

oohdaddypig · 04/07/2013 21:42

What sling hop along?

My 18 month old likes to be held a lot by me and I'm getting back problems 😳

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/07/2013 21:46

I have a Tula Toddler (full buckle carrier) and I use a linen blend ring sling for quick things like if I need to pop into the supermarket (carrying him in my arms kills my back and he can't be trusted to not lick all the things). I also have used woven wraps to carry him and have a couple on order.

I also have two buggies that I use facing outwards. It's just whatever is most convenient. Taking to nursery - pushchair, walking to the shops - tesco, yomping up hills - carrier, teething and miserable and wont be put down - carrier, just feel like getting in cuddles where I can - carrier.

I'm not hardcore though. Some baby wearers are nuts and spend thousands on slings.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/07/2013 21:49

odd I have one of these (but I only carry him on my back as I can't see over his head when he's on my front).

notwoo · 04/07/2013 21:58

Don't people just do what they have to for each baby? My first DC wouldn't be put down without screaming so I didn't put her down - carried her in sling, co slept etc etc.

Second dc perfectly happy to be put down, in fact preferred to be left along when tired (I never believed people who said this when I had DC1) so he sleeps well in his cot & goes in buggy. I was fully prepared to 'AP' him but it wasn't necessary.

holidaysarenice · 04/07/2013 22:01

I seem to find that they lose their smugness when number 3 comes along!

3 children like limpets...not possible.

5madthings · 04/07/2013 22:07

I have ended up doing a lot of 'attachment parenting' not planned or read about, its just what worked for us, we took the path of least resistance and co-slept and used sling etc. But also use a pushchair.

I just do what works tbh and don't much care what others do.

Am jealous of your new sling hop I will post the other one to you but it has been crazy here and tomorrow we are having a party for ds2, will have 16 eleven year olds to organize and feed.... Weeps and reaches for gin...

Also hop what are the slings you have on order?

5madthings · 04/07/2013 22:08

holidays I have five! It is possible but they also grow up and get less needy etc. The tern years are a whole new challenge tho...