Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be cross with MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

98 replies

blushingmare · 03/07/2013 22:09

Grrrrr. I'm really cross, but acknowledge I'm probably overreacting.

DD (1yo) is being a right little pickle at the moment with going to bed, but I won't leave her to cry, not even for a short time. MIL is staying and was talking earlier about how my SIL did controlled crying with her DS and it worked really well. I just said that I don't want to do it with my DD and that she gets extremely distressed when I leave the room so I always sit with her and stroke her til she calms down and goes to sleep. MIL didn't really make any comment about that, but then made a couple of comments later in the day about how it's important babies learn to settle in their own without mum always there.

Anyway, tonight DD had a really bad time settling so she actually ended up staying up with us for dinner. She was starting to get sleepy when I was washing up and MIL asked if I wanted her to try putting her down - I said you can try, although not sure how she'll settle without me there.

All was quiet for a bit, but then I could hear DD crying and getting quite upset, but I left it for a few minutes because she quite often gets like that immediately before she goes to sleep when I sit with her and I assumed MIL was in with her. When I went up after a bit, MIL was standing outside DD's door, with the door closed and DD inside screaming her heart out. The only way I could console her in the end was to breastfeed her, which was also annoying because I'm gradually weaning her off that.

It was only for a few minutes I know and I know DD will be fine, but I'm just really furious with her. She knew I don't feel that's the right thing for us, but did it anyway.

I guess I'm cross with myself too for letting her take her.

This isn't a judgement about controlled crying in anyway btw. I know it works for many people, but I just don't want to do it myself.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 03/07/2013 22:12

Yanbu. You told her you didn't want to do it and she went against your parenting wishes. I'd personally be unable to trust her with dd alone after that as you know she isn't listening to you or respecting your wishes.

You shouldn't feel bad for allowing her to try though - you didn't know what she'd do.

breatheslowly · 03/07/2013 22:14

I'd be pissed off too, and we did do CC with DD at about 16 months. However CC has to be done with the agreement of everyone who is doing bedtime and for us took about 6 nights. There is no point in one person doing it once, consistency is very important for babies and children. And doing it without your permission is completely out of order.

Footface · 03/07/2013 22:14

Don't get angry, go and ask her why she went against your wishes. Tell her you are concerned that she left get crying when you had explained your views previously. See what she says.

At least you might feel better confronting the issue

raisah · 03/07/2013 22:16

No why should you do it if you don't want to? My dh tried it with my dd & she was really traumstised by it, it took me an hour to calm her down. You are her mum, you should be both comfortable with the bed time routine. Your MIL was out of order & make sure she knows it.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 03/07/2013 22:17

Yanbu, even if your mil has a valid point she had no right to make that decision for you. I hate this underhand I'm going to prove you wrong so I can pat myself on the back and say see I was right all along. Mil did this with ds2 and his dummy. It was not her decision as to when he should give it up (he was 2 by the way)

Meglet · 03/07/2013 22:17

Yanbu.

I didn't have a problem doing cc with mine. But to go against another parents wishes is bang out of line.

fryingpantoface · 03/07/2013 22:17

She was bang out of order. Did you say something to her?

OHforDUCKScake · 03/07/2013 22:18

You arent over reacting. I have done CC with one child and the compete total opposite with the other.

She clearly has NO idea, she obviously thinks controlled crying is letting them cry for a minute or two and they go to sleep.

It goes on for hours, days and weeks. Months if you're my DC.

It was completely out of order for her to undermine you like that. I would be going bat shit crazy (internally. Not at her) and be safe in the knowledge that it would be a long, long time before she had DD over night.

MoreSnowPlease · 03/07/2013 22:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

TartyMcTart · 03/07/2013 22:25

Maybe at one year old your MIL thought that not letting her cry ever is a bit ridiculous? Maybe she was a bit put out that your DD ended up eating with you when she was obviously tired? Maybe she thought that without you going to her the minute that she whimpers she would be able to settle your DD herself?

Just saying...

Fairylea · 03/07/2013 22:29

Tarty - but none of those decisions are those for the milto make. She has to respect the parenting wishes of the parents. She could let her opinions be known, unwelcome as the would be, but she can't veto a complete change of approach with a child that isn't hers. The child would have been completely confused.

MoreSnowPlease · 03/07/2013 22:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

FirstStopCafe · 03/07/2013 22:31

YANBU

Despite your mil's views on parenting you had made it clear how you do things with your dd. I would be very annoyed

HildaOgden · 03/07/2013 22:32

Now,the one bit of this I don't understand is this: why,when you say your dd gets extremely distressed at bedtime if you're not there,did you send her up with mother-in-law?

It almost sounds like you were setting her up to fail.That you knew dd would cry,and only settle for you...thus proving your point.If it were me,and I was the only one to settle her,I definitely wouldn't have sent her up with someone she is not used to being put to bed by.

maddening · 03/07/2013 22:32

it's stupid of mil to do that as any sleep training requires consistency to be successful - so apart from being against your wishes it was pointless and possibly detrimental to her current routine.

Catsize · 03/07/2013 22:32

I agree with you. I hate the idea of 'controlled crying'. I mean really?? It's 'there's no point in me crying any longer, the person I love most isn't coming'. If we did it to our partners, we'd be called heartless, and our partners have the ability and free will to call us heartless, walk out of the room and go to the pub for a few hours.
My mother says all the time 'Oh, I used to leave you lot to cry for hours in the pram, at the bottom of the garden so I couldn't hear you, and it never did you any harm'. Actually, I think it did. All three of us are insecure and put up with being treated like crap by those we love.
The Dr Spock generation is a bit messed up me thinks!
The main issue here is that yes, your child was left for a short time, undermining the hard work it takes NOT to leave a baby to cry, and also the lack of respect you feel it has shown you. I would be annoyed too.
(Getting off soapbox...)

NaturalBaby · 03/07/2013 22:35

Yanbu but did you really not see it coming?!

Original poster

blushingmare · 03/07/2013 22:37

Ok thanks - it's good to hear other people say ianbu. DH was cross too, but him and the whole of his side of the family have a real phobia of any type of confrontation and I know if I said anything to her she'd probably burst into tears and I'd never hear the end of it, so I'm not going to confront her. I'm sure she must have known I was pissed off as couldn't really bring myself to talk to her normally for the rest of the evening. As others have said, it's definitely made me wary of ever leaving her with them now.

OP posts:

PenelopeChipShop · 03/07/2013 22:37

Yanbu. You had been very clear on how you put her to bed and she did the exact opposite. I would make it quite clear I was enjoyed and wouldn't be trusting her to put your dd down again. Totally agree with your philosophy too btw! I spend ages in my ds' bedroom of an evening while he faffs about (he's also 12mo) but I think it's worth it in the long run.

Original poster

blushingmare · 03/07/2013 22:46

Tarty I realise you don't agree with me not wishing to do CC, but just to clarify I don't not let her cry at all, I just don't let her cry on her own. She does cry at bedtime, like many babies do, but I just sit with her and stroke her til she's calm enough to sleep. And she wasn't "whimpering" tonight, she was standing screaming her lungs out, banging her head against the cot bars with big fat tears streaming down her face while MIL stood outside the room. I couldn't hear how much she was distressed because the door was closed which I didn't realise, otherwise I'd have gone straight away rather than finish what I was doing first.

I'm not saying anyone's wrong to do CC, I'm just saying I don't want to and MIL knew that and did that anyway.

OP posts:

TartyMcTart · 03/07/2013 22:47

You see, that's what I can't get my head around. Why would you want to spend most of the evening stuck in your child's bedroom while they go to sleep? Don't you want an evening yourself?

I can see where your MIL is coming from. Yes, she shouldn't have gone against the grain but that's what grandparents do! They're often one-offs and you just have to get on with it.

maternitart · 03/07/2013 22:47

YANBU and YABU. You should not have let your MIL try to do that knowing her opinions and your DD's need for you at bedtime. But there probably was an element of "I know best" with her behaviour, albeit well-intended.

Original poster

blushingmare · 03/07/2013 22:50

Hilda - you're right to an extent and I'm cross with myself about it too. But she doesn't always get distressed at bedtime and tonight she was having a cuddle with MIL at the time and looking really calm and sleepy so I just thought if she put her down in her cot and stayed and patted her she would probably fall asleep pretty quickly.

I wasn't purposely setting her up to fail, but essentially you're right, I shouldn't have let her take her and I should definitely have gone up the moment I heard she wasn't going to go down easily

OP posts:

MoreSnowPlease · 03/07/2013 22:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

5madthings · 03/07/2013 22:51

tarty no its not what grandparents do, not respectful ones!

I would never do cc, ,y mum disagreed with me but she would never have taken it upon herself to do it and go against my wishes.

And as for why some parents sit with their child, because of doesn't last long, they are only little once and they tend to grow out of these things. The ops dd is only little, Ina fee weeks things may well be different, but for now she needs that reassurance amd the op is happy to give it.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread