Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

98 replies

blushingmare · 03/07/2013 22:09

Grrrrr. I'm really cross, but acknowledge I'm probably overreacting.

DD (1yo) is being a right little pickle at the moment with going to bed, but I won't leave her to cry, not even for a short time. MIL is staying and was talking earlier about how my SIL did controlled crying with her DS and it worked really well. I just said that I don't want to do it with my DD and that she gets extremely distressed when I leave the room so I always sit with her and stroke her til she calms down and goes to sleep. MIL didn't really make any comment about that, but then made a couple of comments later in the day about how it's important babies learn to settle in their own without mum always there.

Anyway, tonight DD had a really bad time settling so she actually ended up staying up with us for dinner. She was starting to get sleepy when I was washing up and MIL asked if I wanted her to try putting her down - I said you can try, although not sure how she'll settle without me there.

All was quiet for a bit, but then I could hear DD crying and getting quite upset, but I left it for a few minutes because she quite often gets like that immediately before she goes to sleep when I sit with her and I assumed MIL was in with her. When I went up after a bit, MIL was standing outside DD's door, with the door closed and DD inside screaming her heart out. The only way I could console her in the end was to breastfeed her, which was also annoying because I'm gradually weaning her off that.

It was only for a few minutes I know and I know DD will be fine, but I'm just really furious with her. She knew I don't feel that's the right thing for us, but did it anyway.

I guess I'm cross with myself too for letting her take her.

This isn't a judgement about controlled crying in anyway btw. I know it works for many people, but I just don't want to do it myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
blushingmare · 03/07/2013 22:54

Thanks 5madthings - yes that sums pretty well!

OP posts:
Original poster
blushingmare · 03/07/2013 22:54

*sums it up !

OP posts:
MoreSnowPlease · 03/07/2013 22:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

NaturalBaby · 03/07/2013 22:57

tarty the only time a child's sleep routine is a problem is when the parents who are actually putting the child to bed are finding that it is a problem that is impacting on family life. The OP doesn't appear to have any issues with her own child's bed time routine - who are you to judge how much of an evening a complete stranger chooses to spend with their own DC?!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/07/2013 22:57

I still have to sit with my DS whilst he drops off...he is nearly 11! They don't all grow out of it Sad

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/07/2013 23:00

yes, I do think that the 'oh she'll only settle with me' is a bit naff tbh. You need to relinquish some control really. What about your DH putting her down, do you feel like that with him too? I do think YABU and a tad controlling. Your MIL was just by the door after all.

5madthings · 03/07/2013 23:00

Its what we have done with all five of ours, thus get their in the end, could never leave them to cry. Its just a part of parenting time, not the most fun part at times, but I don't begrduge it, they grow up so quickly! My dd is 2.5 and now tells me to go away and shut the door so she can go to sleep most nights! Its quite nice on true odd occasion she asks me to lie down with her whilst she goes to sleep :) ...she is still in our bed mind you, but am guessing that will come to an end soon as well.

5madthings · 03/07/2013 23:02

Betty does he have any special needs? As that is quite unusual but he will be a teen soon and he will get to the point where he doesn't want you there! But have you chatted to him about it and asked why? Is anything making him anxious?

5madthings · 03/07/2013 23:03

A still bfeedinge one yr old that needs mum at bedtime is not that unusual.

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/07/2013 23:05

but you could BF and then give to the dad to settle to sleep. I think some mothers rather relish their role as the main/only care giver. I hear the refrain of the OP quite often

greencatseyes · 03/07/2013 23:06

Oh YANBU. Even if you did want to do the CC option you would be doing it yourself - in a consistent, planned way, not a one off with a different person implementing!

FWIW there is a middle way with this - managed retreat I think its called: you basically retreat and return, with incredibly reassuring voice cues, but don't stay in - a few nights of in -out-in-out. Worked for me with 1YO twins, but with a very understanding sleep specialist who did a 'recipe' tailored for us. We waited until I was willing to give up BF at bedtime. worth a try in your own controlled circumstances and time.

ouryve · 03/07/2013 23:07

YANBU. I'm not a fan of controlled crying, but even if I was, she tried to undermine you, the girl's mother, and that's the real problem.

5madthings · 03/07/2013 23:08

Er not always funny two out of my five at that age would not settle for dp and it wasn't through lack of trying.

Dd ended up bottle fed but still went through a phase from 9-14mths where she would only settle for me. Sometimes its just the way some babies are.

rowtunda · 03/07/2013 23:09

Oh dear MIL has made a c

MoreSnowPlease · 03/07/2013 23:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Original poster
blushingmare · 03/07/2013 23:12

FunnysInLaJardin - I didn't say "she'll only settle with me", I said she'll only settle with someone in the room with her stroking and patting her. MIL was on the other side of a closed door so as far as DD was concerned was totally gone. Part of the reason I let MIL take her up tonight was because she was sleepy, definitely ready for bed and having a nice relaxing cuddle with her so I thought it would have been the best possible time to get her to settle with someone else and would have been over the moon if she had done!

DH isn't home in time for bedtimes Mon-Sat and therefore on the one day of the week he is available she doesn't settle well for him because she (and him to an extent) is not used to it, although we continue to try with this, so please don't judge when you don't know the full story Smile

OP posts:
5madthings · 03/07/2013 23:13

snow it didn't here esp not when they need boob in mouth to go to sleep! Dpis sadly lacking in the magic boob department. With DDit wasn't even boob, she just wanted me.

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/07/2013 23:13

ah well I had dads boys so not a problem for me. God I am so glad I am past that stage. And no didn't BF until 1yo but don't see why one feed would be any different from another. I did BF and had no issue with DC being given to DH to settle

NaturalBaby · 03/07/2013 23:15

There's no way any of my bf babies would have gone to bed with DH.
The OP never said she had a problem with the bedtime routine, just with her MIL trying to do things the baby wasn't used to.

rowtunda · 03/07/2013 23:16

Oops bloody iPhone posted to soon!

Oh dear MIL has made a total balls up on this one but I feel her heart was in the right place. She has obviously seen how well CC has worked with SIL baby and has possibily done it in the past as well and seen the rewards and the fact that her children haven't been traumatised. She has obviously tried discussing it with you and seen that she isn't getting anywhere so she was hoping to be able to show you first hand that it does work and that sometimes babies have to cry a bit.

She has balls up completely though because cc needs consistency and all parties to be on the same wavelength - and she forgot that you are mum and what you say goes!!

Don't be too harsh though as I do think her heart is in the right place (in a weird way!)

Ps I'm all for CC though, it takes 3 nights - first night half an hour, second 10 mins if that, third a whimper. Personally I would much prefer that then holding DS hand whilst he screamed at me whilst I was in the same room but every baby and mum is different. Gentle sleep training methods completely infuriated my son more and involved a hell of a lot more crying!!!

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/07/2013 23:16

no blushing you said 'I'm not sure how she will settle without me there' ie she needs me to go to sleep.

Anyhow as I said well past that stage and very very glad. But don't make the mistake of thinking you are the only one who can care for her. Many a partnership flounders on that sort of thinking

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 03/07/2013 23:17

Funnys "You need to relinquish some control really"

But that is exactly what the OP did do. She let MIL take DD and put her to bed. Unfortunately it didn't work out as MIL ignored OP's wishes. If she had listened, DD may have dropped off and OP could have felt more confident to let others do bedtime more often, as it is, all it has done is reinforce to OP and DD that bedtime is best with Mum.

Not sure what good MIL was being by the door. She might as well have been on Mars from DD's perspective. What was she waiting for? For DD to sob herself into exhaustion? Big difference between standing up screaming/sobbing to having a tired whine/grumble before dropping off.

ByHecuba · 03/07/2013 23:18

YANBU. I don't think you're being controlling either.
Your MIL was wrong to do what she did and I would be quite annoyed too. Because of her actions, you and your DD had a stressful end to the night.
1yo is so tiny still. If you're largely happy with your bedtime setup and can work through the upset, then nobody should interfere with that.

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 03/07/2013 23:18

X posts with others. Page hadn't refreshed fully before typing.

MoreSnowPlease · 03/07/2013 23:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request