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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross with MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

98 replies

blushingmare · 03/07/2013 22:09

Grrrrr. I'm really cross, but acknowledge I'm probably overreacting.

DD (1yo) is being a right little pickle at the moment with going to bed, but I won't leave her to cry, not even for a short time. MIL is staying and was talking earlier about how my SIL did controlled crying with her DS and it worked really well. I just said that I don't want to do it with my DD and that she gets extremely distressed when I leave the room so I always sit with her and stroke her til she calms down and goes to sleep. MIL didn't really make any comment about that, but then made a couple of comments later in the day about how it's important babies learn to settle in their own without mum always there.

Anyway, tonight DD had a really bad time settling so she actually ended up staying up with us for dinner. She was starting to get sleepy when I was washing up and MIL asked if I wanted her to try putting her down - I said you can try, although not sure how she'll settle without me there.

All was quiet for a bit, but then I could hear DD crying and getting quite upset, but I left it for a few minutes because she quite often gets like that immediately before she goes to sleep when I sit with her and I assumed MIL was in with her. When I went up after a bit, MIL was standing outside DD's door, with the door closed and DD inside screaming her heart out. The only way I could console her in the end was to breastfeed her, which was also annoying because I'm gradually weaning her off that.

It was only for a few minutes I know and I know DD will be fine, but I'm just really furious with her. She knew I don't feel that's the right thing for us, but did it anyway.

I guess I'm cross with myself too for letting her take her.

This isn't a judgement about controlled crying in anyway btw. I know it works for many people, but I just don't want to do it myself.

OP posts:

5madthings · 03/07/2013 23:22

Ds2 once tried to latch on to DPs nipple, he wasn't very impressed that it was hairy!

Dp did try to settle them but they got so upset it didn't seem worth it, its such a short time that they need you so we just went with it, neither of us liked them being upset so it was never about me havimg control, it was about doing what worked!

dontgowadingin · 03/07/2013 23:23

Agree with both naturals posts.

What a strange thing to say tarty that the mil might have felt put out as dc had joined them for dinner?? if any one felt 'put out' about my dc joining me for dinner in my own home they'd get shown the door.

op she is bang out of order going against your wishes.
Cc is not for me but it works for others . I sat with both mine, I liked it! They grow up so fast .

Maybe tarty is mil???

VixZenFenchell · 03/07/2013 23:24

I don't think you're overreacting.

You have a method of settling your child to sleep that works for you and your child. Your MiL, knowing this, decided "my way is best" and went against your routine - resulting in a stressed, unhappy baby who will take even longer to settle with someone unfamiliar now.

Controlled crying, if you choose to go down this route, is something you discuss with all regular childcarers and agree a planned method. It's not standing outside the room listening to the baby scream its head off while you think "she'll settle soon and then I can go downstairs and tell DiL that I was right all along". Because 1) that's not controlled, 2) there is no plan for what to do at 1, 3, 5, 10 minutes, 3) if it's not approached in the appropriate way it achieves nothing.

I don't think her heart was in the right place at all, I think she wanted to show you she knew best and that she thought you were a mug for the long settling routines. And all she's done as far as I can see is upset you, your DH and her granddaughter. Not a great result. I'd be fuming.

Ironically, if she'd done things your way, she'd have had a fab sleepy cuddle with her baby granddaughter, spent lots of lovely GM time shushing and stroking and watching her settle to sleep in her cot... you'd have relaxed and had a good evening, baby would have begun to learn to settle with new people and you'd all have been happy.

Original poster

blushingmare · 03/07/2013 23:25

Funnys I think you're just misinterpreting what I said. I said I'm not sure how she'll settle with me - ie. "I am unsure about how this will go - could go either way", "you haven't got a hope in hell of settling her without me there". Anyway it doesn't matter - it's a phase and I don't really have a problem with needing to be in with her to settle her - other people seem to get far more worried about it than either me or DH do

OP posts:

Original poster

blushingmare · 03/07/2013 23:28

Agh! Missing a "not" between those two statements!

OP posts:

LittleRedDinosaur · 03/07/2013 23:30

I would have been so so cross!

My DD isn't a good sleeper. I'm not willing to leave her to cry. I'm happy to get up a couple of times and give her a cuddle if she needs it to get back to sleep. She is only going to be this little once. My MIL and SIL are full of comments about her sleep and it derives me mad. As far as I'm concerned, it's me getting up for her and I'm happy with what I'm doing so they can piss off with their comments ("you must be doing something wrong" = particular favourite from SIL ).

YANBU to be angry. You should never be made to feel bad by other people for going to your crying child.

HildaOgden · 03/07/2013 23:38

You say your husband and you don't have a problem with the night-time routine.

I'd say that if your baby is crying and whimpering and getting distressed unless she is stroked into sleep,then she has a problem with the night time routine.

I think you need to take that on board.

Elquota · 03/07/2013 23:40

YANBU

5madthings · 03/07/2013 23:43

No its not a problem that the baby needs reassurance to help her go to sleep, that is entirely normal for her age. She would have a problem if she was left and didn't get that reassurance. But as she gets it she so fine.

midori1999 · 03/07/2013 23:58

YANBU. I would be raging if my MIL did this, beyond furious and I doubt I would want to speak to her again tbh. It is not for someone else to decide what is best for you or your child and leaving them to cry when it goes against what you believe in and want to do is dreadful and cruel.

As for asking if you want an evening to yourself... I still feed/cuddle my DD to sleep most nights. DH can do it but it takes longer usually. Recently DD has occasionally started falling asleep in her cot by herself without crying, but I wouldn't leave her to cry at all, never. (she is just 2) Of course I want an evening to myself, it would be great to just put her to bed and she'd fall asleep, which is what her older siblings did, but she isn't ready for that yet and her needs are more important than mine. This is such a short period of my life.

TrinityRhino · 04/07/2013 00:07

yup, I reckon tarty is mil

and she was completely out of order

she went against your parenting wishes and that is wrong

pianodoodle · 04/07/2013 07:50

YANBU

Sounds like MIL offered so that she could do it her way, put baby down then walk off, expecting that she'd magically drift off to sleep and MIL could swan back down feeling smug, to much praise and admiration at showing you how it was done....

Except it didn't work out.

Whether she did it for the above reason or because she genuinely thought she would help you I don't know but either way it was the wrong thing to do.

CSIJanner · 04/07/2013 07:52

I'm sorry - I know your husband doesn't like confrontation and the MlL will probably cry if you say something, but I would have to say something. And I'd probably then point out the irony of her crying as I shut the door behind me leaving her to cry it out alone.

I don't do CC but I don't condemn those who choose it as its their parental choice. She was not the parent this instance and ignored what you have made pretty clear to her. Thats unacceptable - lets face it, it's not like she's being the overindulgent grandparent and offered treats on the side. She blatantly ignored your wishes as a parent and what could have been a 2monute rub on the back fast asleep job turned into something longer. I feel that you do need to nip this in the bud and say something otherwise she will ignore your wishes again.

OHforDUCKScake · 04/07/2013 08:10

Tarty why would you want to let your child cry ever? If you have the arms to hold the, and the ability to comfort then why would you not?

Because you might spoil them with love/cuddles?

I never let my son cry if I have to capabilities to stop it and calm the situation.

TortillasAndChocolate · 04/07/2013 08:27

YANBU. You're the parent - you make the decisions and MIL should respect that. My MIL probably disagrees with a lot of what I do - its very different to what her daughter does with her children. But she's never once voiced it, and she always asks how I want things done and respects that and I really appreciate that.

For what it's worth, my DS used to be a pickle at bedtime and I always had to stay in his room. I never did controlled crying. He goes to bed perfectly 95 percent of the time now - it just happened really and now I'm so glad I never left him to cry. Stick to what you want to do. She's your little girl

FryOneFatManic · 04/07/2013 09:52

There are far too many people who seem to think controlled crying is to simply shove baby in cot and shut the door leaving them to cry themselves sick. I recall seeing articles that leaving a baby to cry to this extent can cause damage in the brain.

I never tried CC, but I was extremely lucky in having 2 DCs who were able to settle themselves most of the time from a very young age. We only had one short period of time when DS wouldn't settle. So we had a plan that covered several nights where first night we stroked him to sleep in the cot, 2nd night we sat next to cot, 3rd night sat a little further away, nearer to door, ending a couple of nights later with being stood outside an open door. He was soon back to settling well. But this was planned between DP and I, so it was consistent.

OP, YANBU. Your MIL should have abided by your wishes. And of course, now that you don't trust her, you'll feel less likely to trust her in future over many other things. Your MIL really has shot herself in the foot here.

xylem8 · 04/07/2013 10:15

Firstly I do think your MIL was wrong to go against your express wishes when you were in your house and you were in charge.
BUT your child is, or nearly is a toddler now not a little baby.There are times when they will have to cry.I would never ever leave a child crying in distress but you must by now have an ear for her different cries, the distressed cry, the tired cry (which I always think sounds like toothache feels) the frustrated cry (I don't want to go to boring bed, I want you to play with me).
I think when she is tired letting her cry for a few minutes and then drop off is fine.It is a great gift for a child to be able to self settle.. IME self settling is something that is easier to learn earlier than later.You do not want to end up with a 7 yr old or more who is afraid to go to sleep without you there .

TrinityRhino · 04/07/2013 10:16

I in no way thatink that cc is what you have described, I have read the book, I still firmly disagree with it

the problem here is nothing to do with how the op chooses to settle her child
the problem is that mil had no right to not do it the way the parents had chosen

LilacPeony · 04/07/2013 10:19

YANBU. Entirely normal for babies to go through a period of separation anxiety around 1 year old. It is genuine fear and not them being naughty. I think you are doing the right thing. I did the same and your MIL was wrong.

FryOneFatManic · 04/07/2013 11:00

xylem8 The OP said "And she wasn't "whimpering" tonight, she was standing screaming her lungs out, banging her head against the cot bars with big fat tears streaming down her face while MIL stood outside the room."

While I might agree with your statement "I think when she is tired letting her cry for a few minutes and then drop off is fine.It is a great gift for a child to be able to self settle." I don't think it matches what the OP said her DD was like.

Iwishitwouldgetwarmer · 04/07/2013 11:09

YANBU I was the same as you when mine we're younger. I don't know if you've heard of the book 'The No-Cry Sleep Solution' but it worked really well with my two sons. You gradually do less and less with them at bedtime so they learn to settle on their own. For instance if you rock them to sleep and sing to them then for a few nights you would just rock them. Then when that works you try putting them down while they're sleepy but not asleep etc. It takes time but worked brilliantly for me.

Here's an amazon link if you're interested:

www.amazon.co.uk/The-No-Cry-Sleep-Solution-Foreword/dp/0071381392/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372932229&sr=8-1&keywords=no+cry+sleep+solution

pinkballetflats · 04/07/2013 11:51

Chiming in with another YANBU. It's not up to the MIL to decide how you parent your child.

xylem8 · 04/07/2013 11:56

'xylem8 The OP said ", she was standing screaming her lungs out, banging her head against the cot bars '

Ok I think that is more cross at being excluded from 'the party' than frightened and distressed

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 04/07/2013 12:19

Yanbu. She's your baby ultimately it's your choice how you deal with her. It's not your mil's place to instigate anything unless asked.

But I think yabu to be thinking the worst of her. Perhaps she thought she was helping or that she feels sad for you sacrificing so much of your time at night to settle her. She probably didn't mean to upset you.

However yanbu to be upset because whether she meant it or not she has destroyed the trust you had in her. And I think that would upset me the most. I have no problem with cc I did it with my two BUT if I baby sit other people's children I respect their choices even if I don't agree with them and I would hope others would do the same for me.

valiumredhead · 04/07/2013 12:31

I hate the idea of 'controlled crying'. I mean really?? 'there's no point in me crying any longer, the person I love most isn't coming'

That's not what CC is at all.

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