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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross with MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

98 replies

blushingmare · 03/07/2013 22:09

Grrrrr. I'm really cross, but acknowledge I'm probably overreacting.

DD (1yo) is being a right little pickle at the moment with going to bed, but I won't leave her to cry, not even for a short time. MIL is staying and was talking earlier about how my SIL did controlled crying with her DS and it worked really well. I just said that I don't want to do it with my DD and that she gets extremely distressed when I leave the room so I always sit with her and stroke her til she calms down and goes to sleep. MIL didn't really make any comment about that, but then made a couple of comments later in the day about how it's important babies learn to settle in their own without mum always there.

Anyway, tonight DD had a really bad time settling so she actually ended up staying up with us for dinner. She was starting to get sleepy when I was washing up and MIL asked if I wanted her to try putting her down - I said you can try, although not sure how she'll settle without me there.

All was quiet for a bit, but then I could hear DD crying and getting quite upset, but I left it for a few minutes because she quite often gets like that immediately before she goes to sleep when I sit with her and I assumed MIL was in with her. When I went up after a bit, MIL was standing outside DD's door, with the door closed and DD inside screaming her heart out. The only way I could console her in the end was to breastfeed her, which was also annoying because I'm gradually weaning her off that.

It was only for a few minutes I know and I know DD will be fine, but I'm just really furious with her. She knew I don't feel that's the right thing for us, but did it anyway.

I guess I'm cross with myself too for letting her take her.

This isn't a judgement about controlled crying in anyway btw. I know it works for many people, but I just don't want to do it myself.

OP posts:

TartyMcTart · 04/07/2013 13:09

Am at the thought that I might be the MIL, I hope not as I?m only 37!

What I mean is (and this is a go at the OP) that why do you have to pick your child up the minute they cry? And at the age of 2 when they?re not exactly a baby anymore? Of course if my two are upset about something, hurt themselves, etc. then I?ll comfort them and I still love the odd snuggles we have although at 6 and 9 these are few and far between. Sometimes you have to let e child cry, even if just for a few minutes as you can?t just drop everything to go to them. Or maybe you can if you don?t mind being disrupted every few minutes. The amount of times I?ve heard ?but they?re a high needs baby? which I translate to ?I pander to their every need so they want me and only me ? all of the time?

Yes, they?re only little for a short while but I still wanted my life to continue. I can?t believe more of you don?t feel the same or maybe you?re just not on this thread?

valiumredhead · 04/07/2013 13:10

I agre tarty

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 04/07/2013 13:19

I agree with you on that tarty no way would I be sitting in with a one yr old like that but that's my choice. The point is though that the MIL shouldn't have gone against what the op said. She's entitled to her opinion and she can suggest away of she wants BUT if she was t prepared to do it then she should have said or not got up there at all. It comes down to trust. If your baby was vegetarian and your mil gave her meat, would you not be angry?? Sure, no one died, no harm was done but you are left unable to trust her. And if she's prepared to do that when the .op was in the sane house imagine what she could do when she wasn't, it's not

valiumredhead · 04/07/2013 13:21

I do agree with the poster earlier who said it was almost like the OP was setting the MIL up to fail.

LilacPeony · 04/07/2013 13:24

I sat with my children until they were settled when they went through the normal period of separation anxiety around 1 year old. They are now 6 and 8 and they haven't needed me there to go to sleep for years.

maja00 · 04/07/2013 13:27

It's fine that the MIL disagrees with the OP, it's just not fine that she deliberately went against the OP's wishes.

Those saying she "set the MIL up to fail" - surely she just gave the MIL a chance to settle the baby? Lots of people have said it's important for the mother to give up control and let other people settle the baby and that's exactly what the OP did But now doing that is setting someone up to fail? I don't understand.

BarbarianMum · 04/07/2013 13:56

I think that if you allow other people to look after your baby you have to accept that they will do it slightly differently. As parents you get to dictate the big things, but little things you need to let go.

To you having a baby cry for a few moments is a big thing, to others it would be a small thing. Maybe it is for your MiL too- that doesn't make her a terrible person (ds2 was frequently left to cry for a few minutes while I was attending to ds1 - I never let ds1 cry at all. Ds2 was fine, it was a revalation).

Anyway, if it must always be your way then you will have to do it all. And that's fine, much easier than the alternative.

midori1999 · 04/07/2013 13:59

The amount of times I?ve heard ?but they?re a high needs baby? which I translate to ?I pander to their every need so they want me and only me ? all of the time?

I have 'pandered to the every need' of all of my DC, they have all been very different. First 3 DC very relaxed, laid back, easy, slept through from a young age. (DC3 from birth, literally) I was a bit smug about it tbh, I thought it was my parenting. DC6 was very different. Born screaming, screamed for an hour and didn't really stop screaming much for the first 3 months. She wouldn't be put down, she wouldn't even lay in her pram for a walk, she just screamed hysterically until she was picked up. There was no way she was going to cry a bit and fall asleep. She was certainly 'high needs' and I didn't do anything different with her than I did with my first 3.

Emilythornesbff · 04/07/2013 14:01

YANBU
I loathe cc.
I am fuming on your behalf.
How fucking rude and disrespectful!

But best to let it go. Just know that youcan't trust the smug, know it all woman to respect your way of doing things.

Emilythornesbff · 04/07/2013 14:04

There was no need for her to sneakily try her bloody (cruel IMO) bedtime method.
Why couldn't she just sit with her for a bit? Give her a cuddle.
She's a baby FFS.
Unbelievable.

FryOneFatManic · 04/07/2013 14:24

xylem, you forgot to include the big fat tears. Sounds a bit more than being upset at missing the party to me.

But in any case, it's up to either of us. The OP made her wishes clear to the MIL, so regardless of our opinions, the MIL should have settled the baby the OP's way, or passed responsibility back to the OP.

FryOneFatManic · 04/07/2013 14:24

Sorry, amend to "it's NOT up to wither of us", left out a word.

thepixiefrog · 04/07/2013 14:27

Op did not ask for a critique on her parenting, she was talking about her feelings towards her mil. To CC or not to CC is not the question!

Yanbu do be upset that she went against your wishes. Your baby, your way ALWAYS!

But I do think yabu to not say anything. Being passive aggressive and not talking to her all evening is intimidating behaviour. Just because she may burst into tears is no reason not to try and have an adult discussion about what happened, why you were upset, and what to expect from her in the future I.e to respect tour wishes as dd's DM. If she cries she cries, she's an adult and responsible for her own emotions and her reactions to other people.

WoTmania · 04/07/2013 14:36

YANBU nothing wrong with cuddling to sleep. They won't do it forever and cc really doesn't work with some children. If you don't mind sitting with (and she's only a year! She's a baby still) surely it's the easiest thing. She's learning to self soothe but with e security of a parent nearby

dietcokeandwine · 04/07/2013 14:44

YANBU. She should have respected how you do things. As a poster above says, the CC or not debate is irrelevant; whether it's advisable to teach a baby to self-settle or not is irrelevant; how you choose to settle your DD is irrelevant. The issue here is the fact that your MIL deliberately set out to do what you did not want her to do. I would have been cross too.

babybythesea · 04/07/2013 15:49

"To you having a baby cry for a few moments is a big thing, to others it would be a small thing. Maybe it is for your MiL too- that doesn't make her a terrible person "

Except that they'd already had a conversation about it, and MIL was aware that OP doesn't leave the baby to cry. And had made comments later in the day disagreeing with OP.
If MIL didn't know, then I'd agree with the idea that she was just doing something she thought was for the best. But when you've had a discussion about how someone does something with their child, you don't bulldoze ahead that very night, ignoring it.

Anyway, it would have been a pointless exercise. CC isn't leaving them to scream - that's crying it out. I did controlled crying - it's where you go back in repeatedly at set intervals so the child knows you are there and haven't abandoned them. And would take more than one night, so MIL wouldn't have achieved anything.

And I'm not sure I agree with the posters who say they think the OP's daughter was crying because she was missing the party. Really? She may well have been yes, but you can diagnose that based on one comment on the internet? I'd say the OP can in fact, as the same posters have suggested, tell what the different cries are, and is quite capable of deciding if the child is scared, or distressed, or a bit put out at being taken away from the fun. And it sounds as though the OP felt she was distressed. In one breath you seem to be saying the OP should know her own child's cries, and in the next breath saying that you know better, even though you weren't there, and that the child wasn't distressed.

All of this is irrelevant anyway, as others have pointed out. The OP chooses not to let her DD either CIO, or CC. MIL knew this, had talked about it that day. MIL decided to do things her own way anyway. She can't even claim ignorance. Would you really not be annoyed if someone had chatted to you about a parenting decision you made, and then took it upon themselves to over-rule you a few hours later?

Catsize · 04/07/2013 18:05

My post earlier in this thread has disappeared I think. Spooky...

ChunkyPickle · 04/07/2013 18:18

I think there's a difference between whinging, and getting properly upset.

I'd let DS whinge, I wouldn't let him get upset.

And this is from a baby-wearing, feed to sleep, co-sleeping until he was nearly 2 parent.

Greyhound · 04/07/2013 18:23

Bless her, she's only one years old - CC might work for some people but it didn't work for my ds. Whatever MIL's views, she should have listened to you and respected your wishes.

ladymariner · 04/07/2013 22:28

I think that if your wishes should be respected Op, ishe is your baby and so what you say goes. However, I also agree with the poster who suggested you were setting her up to fail......

ladymariner · 04/07/2013 22:30

Mil, that is, not your daughter...... (leaves thread again, wishing I'd proof read before I pressed Post!)

ByHecuba · 04/07/2013 22:48

See I think the setting her up to fail thing is a bit unfair, because OP did say she was busy washing up, MIL offered and she told MIL honestly that it might be difficult.
I think MIL seized this chance to show OP that her method worked, though it obviously didn't work as she'd hoped.
I'm positive no malice was intended, but, like others have said, I would want to address this directly and to let MIL know that going against parents' wishes is never acceptable.

ukatlast · 04/07/2013 23:07

YANBU cannot stand controlled crying full stop.

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