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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave a 'friends' house after watching him hit his 9 year old.... V hard

145 replies

Yummyummy · 02/07/2013 18:36

20 stone bloke, after about 10 beers and a few spirits..... His daughter caught his foot by accident running by, he turned round and walked over to her and absolutely belted her across her bare thigh ( she was in a vest top and shorts)

Me dh and our dc walked calmly to the door, dh said he didn't feel comfortable with what we just witnessed , we r leaving and we drive home 40 miles even though we should have stayed over.

Now receiving emails asking why we havent been in touch since and how we should apologise for leaving and questioning him in his own house.

He's getting even angrier that we haven't responded so far. Coming through thick and fast and I am actually a tiny bit concerned thinking if he could hit his child like this ten what is he capable of?

Not sure how to deal with this :/ don't want to any ANY fuel

OP posts:
ouryve · 02/07/2013 20:08

Good grief. Report him.

DameFanny · 02/07/2013 20:13

littlewhite sorry for the thread jack, but if someone leaves their kid to go to a festival and doesn't phone the Mum they've left the kid with to say they'll be late, and don't get her until the police track the Mum down 2 days later - will ss be informed? It seems like a no brainer to me but need to be sure. Sorry, hijack over.

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 02/07/2013 20:16

You were right to leave at the time, no matter how hard it was to do so. If you knew anyone else in her family though I'd've contacted them to pick her up, as he's obviously a very horrible man.

OP had her children with her, so staying around and seeing what he'd do next/whether he'd attack her if she intervened wouldn't have been nice for her children to witness.

I think you really should contact the police. They will get a statement and hopefully get SS involved. The sooner you do it, the sooner they will go round there. I know it's awful but the chances are she'll probably still have a mark, proof that he's a violent sod as well as your statement.

I hope the poor girl is OK. This man should be strung up, there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour!

Hamwidgeandcheps · 02/07/2013 20:37

I would have taken her with me. I couldn't leave a child behind who has been assaulted. Was she injured? How v sad Hmm
Please report immediately. I expect ss are aware already. Please also mention the intimidation toward you.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 02/07/2013 20:46

I think that taking her with you might have escalated the situation and made it worse.

If you had confronted him directly then you also might have made things worse as he may well have taken it out on his daughter.

But I do think that you should share your concerns with Child & Family services.

Original poster
Yummyummy · 02/07/2013 20:50

I am very shocked at some posters tone on here. We were v vulnerable, and i am not exposing my children to any kind of behaviour like this. I felt i had to put a 40 mile drive to cover my tracks I am now genuinely afraid of this guy. They are actually much closer in proximity. I feel terrible for this girl, of course I consoled her, yes mother was present who unbelievabley did not protect her dd ... Which more worryingly spells out they r all afraid of the bastard bully. I had a genuine gut instinct as a mother that we had to get out , my children hid in the porch whilst i grabbed his kids crying i hugged them and told them to go upstairs and get straight into bed together and not to leave their room whilst their father was still awake. I felt terrified and it was the first ever time I and dh had witnessed anything like this ever. I could not leave my children out of my sight and there is no way on gods green earth could I have stayed OR taken his 3 children and wife! by the time we were walking out he started swearing telling us in some very 'choice' words to leave. We do not ever and have never smacked or even tapped out children. If I had stayed there is no doubt it would have escalated, I have no doubt in mind had we stayed it would have turned out awful.

We did have a way of checking all was ok for the next few hours until he was asleep.

I am now very worried about reporting him and something happening to my children. What if he puts a match through our door at night? Or something bloody awful? I am genuinely afraid, as is DH. Hence me not quite being able to believe the emails we r now receiving....
Of course I will do the right thing. I haven't turned my back on anyone or enabled anything. This bastard hit his kid of his own choice. Not mine. And when everything is taken in consideration, (lots of things I can't post) I think we were v brave to even walk out. Thanks for those that have offered advice about what to do next x

Have no idea about things like this, who is best to call? He will bloody know its us who have reported him though.

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 02/07/2013 20:50

damefanny Hard to say. Depends if the mum has form. Here in Scotland the police would submit a report which would go to SW then on the basis of that a decision would be made about what action to take. If a first timer then maybe a letter would be sent reminding the mother of her responsibilities. If mum has form then maybe more would be done. At least the mum made arrangements for the child to be looked after!

YellowTulips · 02/07/2013 20:51

You were very unreasonable to leave when you knew it meant leaving the child in question with a pissed father who had just belted her Angry. What were you thinking?

You are not unreasonable to terminate your friendship with him.

I would send all his emails with an explanation of the events to SS or the NSPCC as soon as possible.

littlewhitebag · 02/07/2013 20:52

yummymummy the police can tag your address if you are worried about repercussions. You really have to consider the child and make the call. Call the NSPCC if you would rather?

YellowTulips · 02/07/2013 20:55

Cross post OP.

So you are scared and so is your DH? So wonder how his kids feel...

Sorry, I read your explanation but if the situation was that threatening to you and your family you should have called the police as soon as you left the house.

Madamecastafiore · 02/07/2013 20:56

This reply has been deleted

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StuntGirl · 02/07/2013 20:56

You need to speak to the police and tell them your concerns. Show them the emails. Ask what they will do to protect your family. And keep a record, starting now, of anything that he/his family/his friends says or does.

Hopefully he will be removed from that house and straight into police custody.

imademarion · 02/07/2013 20:56

We were v vulnerable, and i am not exposing my children to any kind of behaviour like this.

No. But the little girl, more vulnerable, was exposed to it.

You could have taken your/their kids and your husband could have stayed.

That's what my DH would have insisted.

Sorry if the 'tone' of my replies shocks you. I am equally shocked that you could have left. And you did ask for opinion.

What do you plan to do now?

imademarion · 02/07/2013 20:58

Xpost mme castafiore

Madamecastafiore · 02/07/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Wholetthedogin · 02/07/2013 21:03

I can understand that you are all scared and I think that you did the right thing in leaving the way you did.

Next step is to call 101 and get the police involved. Tell them everything and give them copies of the emails.

Good luck OP, stay strong.

nemno · 02/07/2013 21:04

You reporting this to the police will be so valuable, being independent adult witnesses to DV. This could be the beginning of such an improved life for this horrible man's family. Please choose to help them.

10storeylovesong · 02/07/2013 21:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

DameFanny · 02/07/2013 21:07

Thanks little white

OP - you really need to log both the threats and the child protection issues. Call your local station?

Can you encourage the mother to talk to Women's Aid as well? See if she can get them all out?

MrsHoarder · 02/07/2013 21:07

Especially as the mother was there and wasn't trying to leave and you didn't have space for all of them (if there's 4 and the OP has her own DC then its unlikely she could have whisked them all away), you did the right thing. Of course the next right thing is to ring the police firstly about his harassment/threatening of you and secondly about witnessing him hitting a child.

It might not affect him, but at least his wife has seen that there are people who don't think her husband's behaviour is acceptable, try to keep communication open with her.

BehindLockNumberNine · 02/07/2013 21:08

Yes you are scared, but you are deluding yourself if you thing you were brave for walking out.

You should, at the very least, have called SS and / or the police.

Do it now.

Save the emails, they will add to the evidence as to this man's character.
Tape your mailbox up so he cannot put a match through. Keep your windows locked, set up cctv if you need to. Yes it is horrible, but if it helps get the mum and children to safety then it is worth it in the short term.
Tell the police how scared you are - again the emails will show he is a potential threat.

Can you speak to the wife, ask here what she wants to do? Help her find a refuge?

I cannot believe you have walked out and are leaving three young children with an abuser because YOU are afraid and you think YOU have been brave.

I understand you are scared. I really really do. But you CANNOT leave it like this. You cannot let your own fears override the welfare of those children. Morally, it is not right.

Please please, at the very least, phone someone (SS / Police) anonymously for advice.

BehindLockNumberNine · 02/07/2013 21:09

thing - thinK

CloudsAndTrees · 02/07/2013 21:19

I can understand why you walked out and why you might be reluctant to call the police now. This man must be truly horrible if you are genuinely afraid that he could come to your home wanting to cause damage.

What are the emails like and what does your DH think you should do?

TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff · 02/07/2013 21:20

Don't worry, the police WILL and CAN protect you if you inform you of their worries. You can report it and save that girl and stay safe yourself.

I was that girl once. I ended up fostered by pure chance, many, many years too late. You left the child behind. And if that man is angry, he'll be taking it out on the poor girl, from what happened to me. You were vulnerable. But that girl is 9 and is being abused by a drunk parent and she's facing this every single day. Tell the police, tell social services. They can help her escape.

Report it now. Get your husband, your kids and do it yourself...while it's still fresh in your mind and you aren't in the moment when talking, write down all the details you can remember. Having had to talk to the police a few times about certain reports, I've found getting my thoughts clear before reporting. And report as quickly as possible. Talk to the kids about it and tell them that you're reporting etc;

Dorange · 02/07/2013 21:21

TBH honest OP, if you stayed and confronted him and you or your DH called 999 and police came to the rescue straight away, it would be a lot better than just walk away.