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MNHQ have commented on this thread

AIBU?

To leave a 'friends' house after watching him hit his 9 year old.... V hard

145 replies

Yummyummy · 02/07/2013 18:36

20 stone bloke, after about 10 beers and a few spirits..... His daughter caught his foot by accident running by, he turned round and walked over to her and absolutely belted her across her bare thigh ( she was in a vest top and shorts)

Me dh and our dc walked calmly to the door, dh said he didn't feel comfortable with what we just witnessed , we r leaving and we drive home 40 miles even though we should have stayed over.

Now receiving emails asking why we havent been in touch since and how we should apologise for leaving and questioning him in his own house.

He's getting even angrier that we haven't responded so far. Coming through thick and fast and I am actually a tiny bit concerned thinking if he could hit his child like this ten what is he capable of?

Not sure how to deal with this :/ don't want to any ANY fuel

OP posts:

Report

CrapBag · 02/07/2013 22:05

OP I think because there are things that you don't want to say, it is hard for anyone to see that you have acted or done anything. Obviously there is more to this as you have hinted as such plus with how scared you and your DH are, clearly says there is more to it, but please phone the police and ask THEIR advice. They are the ones who can advise you best from here.

Dorange · 02/07/2013 22:07

You still can help
Sorry if I am harsh, but this is a subject that really makes me mad
Please help those poor kids

I WAS THAT CHILD
THE BELT
THE ALCOHOL
THE BULLYING

ethelb · 02/07/2013 22:09

Police would not be there in a flash as I know from bitter experience.

The OP wnbu to remive herself and her children and her DP from danger rather than naively charging in like a martyr to attempt to 'rescue' one small child (out of many in the room) from a drunk, violent and inpredictable man. Its crap, but we dont live in a perfect world where there is a simple obvious answer all the time.

I think many posters are being very naive to suggest that they know what they would have done in the situation. I cam imagine being quite panicked and single minded about getting the hell out of there and I am pretty good in a crisis.

OP should report to the police now though, and ask them whether they will contact ss on her behalf.

HenWithAttitude · 02/07/2013 22:09

Ok you were scared and left

You need to do the right thing now

Please

GiveMumABreak · 02/07/2013 22:11

I can completely see how you staying would have caused things to escalate. And that your primary concern was getting your family out.

On the night in question you did the right thing.

And now...you have the emails to deal with, but also the responsibility of having to do something because not reporting it is obviously not an option now that u and yours are safe.

Unfortunately the unlikely possibility that he may take revenge on you is NOT an excuse for not acting now.

But u already know that, and that's why you'll do the right thing to help this little girl. I believe that.

Dorange · 02/07/2013 22:12

Sorry, ethelb, I can say what I would have done, yes.
maybe I am fortunate enough and police is very quickly around here.

xylem8 · 02/07/2013 22:13

My feaer is that you contact the police and he says 'yes, I did slap her once on the thigh because she was running in the house which is againstour house rules'.
What are the police/SS going to do about that?He has the legal right to use reasonable chastisement. But it will anger him, and who will he take that anger out on.

Sallystyle · 02/07/2013 22:14

I have been in a similar situation, OP.

I did the right thing and called, now you need to do the right thing too.

I know you are scared, I totally understand but can you live with yourself if you do nothing?

Call someone, tell them your fears, you will be helped.

YellowTulips · 02/07/2013 22:16

OP you can be in the arse end of nowhere and the police WILL quickly respond to the report of an assault on a child.

The reason for the criticism is because we are urging you to do the right thing moving forwards. As per my last post, lets move on from what happened - what will you do now?

Your posts are defensive of past actions - perhaps understandably - but nothing about your intentions.

You have a set of resources from MNHQ - please use them.

Andro · 02/07/2013 22:17

If you confronted him and he started to turn violent you could cal 999 and they would be there in a flash.

He had already turned violent and OP was (rightly) concerned for the safety of her children. However quickly the police would have responded to a 999 call, how much damage do your think a 20st drunk could have done in the time interval? Unless OP or her DH are trained in some form of fighting/martial arts techniques, the consequences could have been dire for all concerned.

Yes, OP needs to report this to someone...but removing an aggravating factor from a heated situation is the right course of action (more aggression was he last thing the situation needed).

ethelb · 02/07/2013 22:19

@dorange if you have been in a similar situation but with police nearby/likely to respond rapidly then you still dont know what you would have done in OPs situation Im afriad, and even if you did know for sure what you would do then it isnt particuarly helpful to chastise the op either way.

YellowTulips · 02/07/2013 22:21

Is it not reasonable to "chastise" someone who fails to report a drunken assault on a 9 year old?

ethelb · 02/07/2013 22:24

I was refering to the suggestion that the OP should have made some valient rescue attempt of the whole family. We dont actually know if the OP hasnt refered to police do we? As I said she should.

'Advising' someone by saying that in the same sutuation you would be perfect and they are an awful person for not reacting ideally is not helpful for any situation.

Madamecastafiore · 02/07/2013 22:25

Ethel she is not there now and is still more concerned about a few threatening emails than the safety if a child.

I see the end results of abuse and it angers me beyond belief when I read posts like the opening one in this thread where the OP was expecting everyone to say bravo, well done you for making a stand.

A 9 year old was assaulted and then abandoned that is the crux of this matter and it seems still nothing has been done.

Dorange · 02/07/2013 22:27

I have never been in similar situation a part when I was a child and people didn't do anything. Including my mum.

Enough about me.

OP and her husband were happy enough to stay there and sleep over and socialise with this drunk man.

Is it all the truth though? One little accident by his daughter at playing and things escalated so much that the adults felt scared and the OP kids were hiding and crying?
I feel there is more to this story but who am I to judge??

I don't mean to chastise the OP just to shake her and ask her to do something.

Perhaps SS is already watching this family and they need all info they can get to take action

Who knows?

ethelb · 02/07/2013 22:27

I think the OP has an ibligation to report this asap if she has nit already.

However, it is equally dismissive to claim there is not a potential threat to the OP and her family if she does. The idea that if the OP reports to the police and that will be the end of it is naive at best.

ethelb · 02/07/2013 22:29

*obligation

Dorange · 02/07/2013 22:31

The threat to OP and her family is already going on.
Apparently OP knows this man well, sleep overs/emails/parties...she has even suggested he could put fire in her house?

She should report anyway for her OWN safety, iykwim

Andro · 02/07/2013 22:31

nd is still more concerned about a few threatening emails than the safety if a child.

How odd! I read it as OP being worried about the safety of her family in the event of retaliation, a very reasonable fear.

ShiningBright · 02/07/2013 22:36

I feel that the criticism levelled at OP is too harsh. It was a highly emotive situation and OP did the right thing as her instincts told her in the heat of the moment - now she's asking for advice here about what to do now she's got some distance from it.

YES, report it. My gut feeling is also that the child and mother - whoever else is there will be getting the brunt of his anger. I sincerely hope there can be a good outcome for the girl and whoever else is on the receiving end.

imademarion · 02/07/2013 22:38

OP, for the love of God man up and report this abuse.

For evil to happen etc etc.

You are well into collusion now if, by my understanding, this happened over the weekend? Please feel free to correct my understanding of the time scale.

No, scratch that. Don't fanny about for one more second bleating and justifying the indefensible.

A family is in danger, only you and your DH know who they are.

Get on to the relevant authorities as you have been advised by posters more patient than I, and do, finally, something to help.

Dorange · 02/07/2013 22:41

I am leaving the thread.
Good luck to OP and specially to that family and many other families in the same situation out there.

hmc · 02/07/2013 22:51

Quite stunned about the attitude of some posters towards Op given that she is fearful and intimidated by thus brute. Yes of course she must report the incident but any sane reasonable person can forgive her for not demonstrating a text book reaction in the heat of the moment

kotinka · 02/07/2013 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 02/07/2013 22:54

I'm not going to give you a hard time about walking out the way you did. You and your kids were scared (I bloody would have been too!) you got them out of danger, you protected them which is obviously what you're meant to do as their mum.

Please phone either NSPCC or police about this, if only for advice. He's already threatening you by the sound of it. He will keep doing so while he can get away with it. Do you want to live your lives like that? It's no way to live. The police can and will help you. They can and will get to you in a lot less than 38minutes if anything was to happen to you, I'm sure of it! (hello, they can break the speed limit you know!) They can help you AND this little girl and her family.

If you dont phone up for the little girls sake do so for your own DC's sakes.

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