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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

to feel saddened about " breast feeding covers

378 replies

Theas18 · 30/06/2013 12:43

lady on the next table in the cafe I'm in ifs beat feeding a lovely month or so old baby under a huge bib.

maybe she feels " happier about it" and all that but really. What do you see for a happily breastfeeding b baby-the back of a sweet little head? no big deal and very normal.

Why are we ( society) doing this to mums and babies. surely a 6 month old won't tolerate it anyway, so I guess they give up then :(

OP posts:
Minifingers · 02/07/2013 10:14

Yes - in cultures where many women already often wear hijab and are expected to cover themselves up in mixed company.

How many cultures tolerate women displaying a lot of flesh EXCEPT when they're breastfeeding, when it's more the norm to show NOTHING?

As I said - this complete covering of the breast and the baby with a cloth attached around the neck is a new thing in the UK in terms of history, and to my mind it's a bit like Victorians putting skirts on table legs: absurd and symbolic of a public neurosis about breastfeeding.

Minifingers · 02/07/2013 10:16

I AM judgemental of these covers. I am not judgemental about the women who buy them.

PoppyAmex · 02/07/2013 10:19

"We are talking about what the choice to use nursing covers says about society's stance on breastfeeding. Do keep up!"

Mini you are the one missing the point completely - women don't cover because they want to hide breastfeeding, they cover because they want to hide their breasts.

It's actually not about breastfeeding at all, but about the way women feel and perceive their own bodies.

ZenGardener · 02/07/2013 10:32

I suspect women having the time and money to sit around breastfeeding in coffee shops is a relatively new thing in UK's history.

My grandmothers were from the West coast of Scotland. They really didn't do a lot of socialising in mixed company except for church. I really don't believe for a second they would have exposed their breasts in the Free Church.

You are trying to compare women in art or women rich enough to have their photo taken with every day working class women.

BumbleBee2011 · 02/07/2013 10:32

YABU, I'm using a cover atm as DD2 is a week old, I'd rather cover us up so I can concentrate on getting a good latch rather than what people can/can't see.

DD2 is very good at feeding but DD1 was much smaller and had trouble getting a good latch so I had weeks of nipples looking sore and cracked at times...would've been mortified if anyone saw them at the time, especially as a first time mum!

How do you know this mother wasn't having the same problems and wasn't feeling self-conscious about that? Even if she was just shy, it's nobody's business surely?

OP do you go around judging people for not wearing shorts/miniskirts in hot weather? (Must admit I do judge people with convertibles who keep the top up on a sunny day Grin)

CaptainUndercrackers · 02/07/2013 10:32

Right, so you're not being derogatory about who they are, just what they do? Maybe you could just avoid derogatory language altogether. You know, to avoid confusion.

zeebaneighba · 02/07/2013 10:36

Both OP and those who are insisting on making this a feminist issue - YABU. I am a breastfeeding mum and shock horror, often use one of these oh-so-oppressive covers. What a victim I must be!

Except hey - guess what? I choose who I share my body with, and as far as I'm concerned my breasts belong to me and are shared with DH, DD, medical professionals and the shower. Just because I breastfeed does not make my body public property. I thoroughly resent being made to feel like I'm 'letting the side down' by not doing it in a way that promotes breastfeeding to others. I'm not a walking billboard, my breasts are not yours to put on display just because you think 'society needs it'.

Breastfeeding is a relationship between me and my daughter, not me and the rest of the world. Whether I feed covered or uncovered (and I do both, by the way) is absolutely none of your business and certainly nothing to get upset about. I am in fact exercising ny rights over my own body - just because I do that differently to you doesn't make it wrong.

Oh and my cover was quite cheap and was handmade by a mum who sews for a business. Not quite the big corporate devil there then huh.

kungfupannda · 02/07/2013 12:04

What zeeba said. We're all primarily responsible to ourselves and our babies when we're nursing, not to everyone else who has an opinion on it.

There's no right or wrong way of doing it - it's personal preference.

The transition to motherhood is a huge change, and people have to adjust to all sorts of differences. To a great extent, the mother's needs become entirely secondary to the baby's needs. No-one has any right to judge any other woman for the way she makes the transition from a completely autonomous and independent person, into a nursing mother with a dependent baby.

Even if we lived in a society which venerated nursing mothers, where they were given a standing ovation every time they fed their child, it would still take most women a little time to adjust to revealing a part of their body that is normally hidden. Most people don't have the ability to switch mindsets instantly. Before you have a baby, you don't habitually show your breasts in public. After you have a baby, it is suddenly permitted. You don't instantly stop being aware of the fact that this is a part of your body that is normally hidden. Women shouldn't be judged for how they manage that change.

And there is an element of judgement/criticism on this thread. People say that it's not the mother's fault that she is being made to feel this way, and in the next breath they say that breastfeeding won't ever be normalised if people don't see it happening. That makes it the responsibility of nursing mothers to make breastfeeding visible. But what if they don't want to?

Plenty of women do. The ones who don't should be supported and encouraged to do whatever makes them, and their baby, comfortable. I would hate to think of a nervous new mother reading this thread and feeling that she's being judged by one group of people for feeding at all, and another group for the manner in which she's choosing to feed.

Instead of feeling sad for women who are choosing to do things in a particular way, wouldn't it be better to look for ways to help them make that adjustment? If a woman looks like she's nervous and is desperately trying to keep herself covered in a café, why not offer to swap seats with her if yours is in a quieter corner? Ask her if you can get her anything as you can see she's got her hands full with the baby? Both of these things were done for me when I was feeding DS2 and it doesn't half help you relax.

Fakebook · 02/07/2013 12:20

Also, another reason to cover up for me, was because my let down reflex resulted in milk spraying half way across the room at the speed of police water cannons. I Don't think people would have appreciated breast milk in their coffee if I'd let that happen in a cafe. But that's probably a whole other thread.

ICBINEG · 02/07/2013 14:10

That whole spraying thing is something I definitely don't remember being covered in antenatal classes. It's like they leave it as a little surprise comedy moment for new mums....I'm just glad it happened at home the first time it happened!

ICBINEG · 02/07/2013 14:16

breast feeding women = cool

breast feeding women using covers = cool

living in a society that is happy to allow women to make money out of posing topless for page three but in which BFing mothers feel uncomfortable about getting out their whole boob or showing their nipples in public = sucks

or more simply,

society making Bfing women feel uncomfortable for any reason = sucks.

See it is society that is a fault, not the women....never the women...except in that they are part of society...so women who buy the Sun to stare at boobs are at fault. There I said it.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 02/07/2013 14:36

I once sprayed milk across the table in Las Iguanas. Waitress was a bit shocked.

I just used an over sized muslin or a scarf. Though neither helped when DS erupted in a fountain of vomit afterwards. Ahem.

I could feed happily in a cafe, but could never bring myself to feed infront of my FIL. Go figure.

But yeah, ICBINEG has the jist of it covered.

GetYourSocksOff · 02/07/2013 16:13

I never understand this.

Cover, muslin, clever top arrangement... Who cares? It amazes me people care about this stuff. I've yet to meet a mum half naked in a cafe.

For me, the whole page 3 issue was entirely unrelated. Some women get their boobs out in public for sexual purposes. Some women like to stay covered up. And everything in between. Me, I'm pretty modest in my everyday dressing and that extends to my breastfeeding. So as a big boobed breastfeeder with a wriggly baby with a crap latch I'm a much less flustered breastfeeder when I have a cover.

I'm just feeding my baby, in my way, doing my thing. Feel sad about that? I'll pass you a tissue Grin

BridgetBidet · 02/07/2013 18:18

Wildstrawberry I agree that it is just another thing to feel guilty about. To me the OP sounds like one of these women who enjoys using breastfeeding as a stick to beat other women with. I think she was so disappointed when she saw this mother was breastfeeding she was determined to find something else to complain about and another stick to beat her with.

Unfortunately this reinforces my belief that many breastfeeding evangelists aren't so much concerned with the babies welfare as they are with having an opportunity to criticize other women.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/07/2013 18:20

OP would probably be weeping into her skinny latte at the sight of someone FF

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/07/2013 18:21

Minfingers

I think your responses on this thread have been really measured.

frutilla · 02/07/2013 18:22

Covers are a great idea if they provide help to women who would rather use them. Personally, with DS1, it was really embarassing as he would break off feeding suddenly and milk would be spouting into the air 3/4 of a metre away! Then he would be back on and off again, it could happen several times in a few minutes.
Because of this, I rarely fed him in public, only if I was stuck and he was crying.

GetYourSocksOff · 02/07/2013 19:24

I've just read a couple of pages back, I wasn't going to because I knew it would rile me up.

I'm relatively new so forgive my ignorance but... minifingers are you for real? If so it's a terrible shame that someone so pro-breastfeeding can do it so much damage.

Also, I'm not clear what point you're trying to establish with the pictures - none of those women are sitting next to a group of businessmen in costa. Women's lives are very different now, as I think someone mentioned further up.

ICBINEG · 02/07/2013 20:18

yeah minifingers how DARE you care that society makes BFing women feel uncomfortable.

You are damaging the cause of BFing no end with your ridiculous ideas that people should actually feel comfortable while BFing, even if it involves a fussy baby, big boobs, milk spraying or nipple visibility!

CaptainUndercrackers · 02/07/2013 20:37

Yes, those stupid women who are perfectly comfortable with BF their baby whilst covering their breast with a scarf. What idiots! Privacy is so unnecessary once you're a mother...

GetYourSocksOff · 02/07/2013 20:49

Icbineg Just... Hmm

When I was out with my babies society never made me feel uncomfortable. I was comfortable and my baby was happy and fed.

If I was bf for the first time after reading some of the negative comments on this thread - from a pro-bf poster - I'm not sure I would have been breastfeeding for so long. I hadn't even realised other women judged you for using a cover.

KeefRegina · 02/07/2013 21:10

zeebaneighba

Quite right.

You can really see from some of the posters on here where the term Bf stasi emanated from.

I had never experienced it before coming on MN.

nenevomito · 02/07/2013 21:21

I used a breastfeeding cover and I'm pretty Shock that its that much of an issue. It's really a completely non-issue really.

I have H cup breasts, had to feed the DCs 'rugby style' and it took a hell of a lot of manouvering to get them onto the breast, even as a seasoned Pro. Also there was no way of doing it where the baby covers the breast like smaller boobed women can do, so you had a little mouth and a mass of white fleshy-veiny boob.

I didn't feel ashamed about breastfeeding or my breasts and when I was at the BF group or at home I didn't bother, but no I didn't fancy spending 5 or so mins trying to get the DC to latch on while exposing a large amount of flesh out in public.

Much more important to be able to breastfeed comfortably out and about IMO. By the time they were almost one, it was moot as by then they'd worked out how to shove the damn thing in and get on with it. Grin

Bonkers.

nenevomito · 02/07/2013 21:24

Oi oi - I felt very comfortable breastfeeding, but since I'm the sort what has never even worn a bloody bikini, why should I change my basic psyche in case it upsets someone.

I refer you back to my previous 'bonkers' and raise you a 'like conkers'.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/07/2013 21:48

"Would you pressure a woman to go topless on the beach on the grounds that she shouldn't be ashamed of exposing her breasts or allow them to be "sexualised"?"

Good point Poppy