to be pissed off with these parents who BUY under age kids booze for parties?

[EliotNess]

who the fuck are they? S1 goes to a party, he is 14 almost 15. Who buys annabel frigging 48 cans of lager?
I don't feed my kid lager. It is against the law to buy alcohol for under 16s and it is also bloody irresponsible.

the whole french watered down wine mantra has been proven to be a hug middle class fallacy and this condoning of drinking yet ranting about Booze britain is starting to get on me tits

The only sensible way to deal with parties is, as someone else said, ALWAYS phone up to find out first hand what the rules will be and whether there will be sensible and sober adults around all night who will ring parents if things get out of hand and IF you are ok with YOUR teenager attending and having a drink, buy whatever alcohol they are allowed to drink for them and make it an absolute rule that they ONLY drink what they have taken themselves. I have no time whatever for parents of the party thrower supplying alcohol to underage children at all. We had this last year for a 14th birthday party, lots of the boys were still 13yo and the parents thought it was acceptable to buy several cans of cider each, to go out and leave them alone for several hours, and to add insult injury, to laugh hysterically when most of the boys were too drunk to stand or even have a glass of water. Also, the boast was, that there were 4 girls at the party to 20 or so boys and they, I quote, "got passed round like a bottle of cider". I hasten to add, that not being happy with the situation described to me, BEFORE the party, my own DS was at home. Other parents learned a harsh lesson - I hope!

I think it is inappropriate to give alcohol to someone else's child at this age. However I personally would not have a problem with my son drinking a little if he was that age. Is this a party with adult supervision?

*without checking with the parent first

OP - no bad experiences led me to being super cautious, just he was my PFB. The bad experiences came when we started being more lenient when he was a bit older and didnt check the parties, let him travel there alone and the parties ended up being a car crash, police were involved etc. I do view that as part of growing up and developing maturity but also think my job is to ensure he knows how to keep himself and his friends safe.

We did allow him to drink and did allow his friends to come to our house and provided small lagers when they were a bit older, banning the vodka they preferred. We also provided lots of soft drinks, pizzas and other food to keep them all sober. And my DH wandered through the party every 30 mins keeping a watchful eye. And despite that, on our watch, one lad got completely hammered and my DH sat up with him all night to make sure he was OK. As the adult you are legally responsible for them and parents who provide too much drink and drugs may have a terrible comeuppance.

14 wayyy too young. When my ds turned 16 we used to buy him a couple of decent beers no alcopop shit and keep it in the fridge so that if a gathering cropped up he could take them. He often took 2 and I would find one back in the fridge . It is a hard one to call but 14 is very irresponsible

It is a hard one to call but 14 is very irresponsible

yes I think so too 14 is very young and there is a maturity thing between a 14 and 16 yr old

My ds is 19 now and he has been having groups in the house for years but only once they were about 17 did they openly bring beers round and drink them and NEVER 48! I don't even think you need to offer lager on holiday If we are in a pub restaurant my son will still only have one I think out of respect and probably low tolerance! I founfd the smoking in teh garden a dilemma too

Did he drink it and get drunk?

Hehe, I know that most of, if not all of, my 15 yo friends drink alcohol on a regular basis. I was chatting to one of their mums, and she mentioned how they all go round her house bringing bottles of spirits with them. I asked, frankly quite horrified, if my DS was doing this and she said "no, he can't drink can he? It's such a shame about his liver complaint" "What liver complaint???? First I've heard of it! It's a shame that he feels pressured to lie to his friends but at least he's not drinking

You do have to be vigilant because no matter how good the relationship teenagers lie about this stuff to cover their arses. One of ds mates was selling weed in the playground aged 15 and his mum was a teacher and delighted in telling us all how her ds was a paragon of virtue. He was in terms of grades etc but he was stoned a lot Meanwhile my ds not really a big drinker or weed smoker even though we are considered 'arty' types who might allow it!

When I was a teenager, back in the 70s, there were no IDs and adults turned a blind eye to us in the pubs as long as we behaved. Occasionally a barman would say "No, you're not 18, OUT!" but not often and our relatives, neighbours and, once we were in 6th form, even teachers saw us there. We learned to drink responsibly in a social situation where most alcohol tasted horrid, no alcopops or sugary cocktails. Consequently I do think we had a more balanced attitude to alcohol than the kids who grow up drinking White Lightning in the park.

It is a difficult one to balance but I wanted my DCs to learn about alcohol before they went to uni, while they were at home with me to keep an eye on them. Personally I feel 14 is too young and I agree that all parents should be asked before alcohol is provided but I think some of the rules brought in to tackle teenage drinking have made things worse.

I too have had the experience of parents providing alcohol and weed which I think is a step too far.

I think THE most over used patenting sentence in the world is, 'I know my dd or ds is far too sensible/ sensitive/ mature/ focused/ scared to do that.

They all can and they all will.

Being a patent involves a good deal of snooping in bedrooms/ pockets/ phones/ c

Bugger I phone, computers and a massive broad back to take the 'but everyone else's parents let them' and a massive sense of humour.

ya totally nbu.

Apologies Burberry.

Ouch. Re read. Double apologies.

Re son. He came back ok ish. Just a bit slurry. It's a whole boundary / trust thing going on atm and we keep gently reinforcing the message.

Agree re "my kids too sensible " local professionals kid is selling weed that his sister gets at university. Parents have no clue.

I never changed my stance no matter how many raised eyebrows or flouting of the rules we got. They know where they are with boundaries even if they try to push them My ds admits it made him feel safe and he knew he could call us any time day or night if there was a disaster. The uber liberal parents are now finding things a bit of a nightmare

That's interesting nod. I don't mind being seen as strict. In fact I have to be for other reasons.

All lines of communication open

Thats all you can do. Strict is fine you see the benefits of it further down the line.

thebody Sun 30-Jun-13 14:01:31
"I think THE most over used patenting sentence in the world is, 'I know my dd or ds is far too sensible/ sensitive/ mature/ focused/ scared to do that.

They all can and they all will.

Being a patent involves a good deal of snooping in bedrooms/ pockets/ phones/ c"

But with some children trust does actually work. It's a personality question. When I was 16 I stayed in a hotel abroad for a long weekend and I behaved immaculately, sticking to all the rules we had agreed beforehand, because they trusted me and I was proud of that.

If they had made a habit of snooping, reading my private correspondence and generally mistrusting me, I would have made it a point of pride to get one over on them. As a teenager I would not have accepted the thought "they are cleverer than me, they'll find me out"; I would have taken that as a challenge and felt duty bound to prove them wrong.

But I was quite happy to accept "we trust you to stick to a deal like an adult would". Because I knew they always stuck to deals.

Trust does work to a point but tbh even the best parent child relationship can fall at the peer pressure hurdle.I don't think you can predict anything with teens you have to just roll with it and bite your tongue at times. My ds was an arse and doesn't even know why!

noddyholder Sun 30-Jun-13 14:41:27
"Trust does work to a point but tbh even the best parent child relationship can fall at the peer pressure hurdle.I don't think you can predict anything with teens you have to just roll with it and bite your tongue at times."

Very wise words. There are no guarantees.

But frankly, when that happens, even snooping won't make all the difference. With dc this age you cannot keep them 100% safe, you can only do your best.

When my dd had made her second suicide attempt earlier this year, I wanted to give up work to watch her, to keep her safe. The mental health care team pointed out in no uncertain terms that there was no way I could do that: sooner or later, I would have to go to the loo, take a phone call or even fall asleep from exhaustion. If she was determined to go behind my back, then she could sneak out and do it.

They made me see that all possible ways of dealing with the problem were potentially unsafe, but that out of all the possibles, handing her the responsibility for her actions might just be the one with the best longterm chance of success.

A teen who wants to hide alcohol from you can do so. And sometimes they will.

We can do our best, by making sure we do not encourage or condone any illegal or dangerous behaviour and by making it perfectly clear that if they choose to behave in a way we would not condone then that is their choice and nobody else's.

I know someone who had a birthday party at their house for their 16 year old daughter. They provided loads of food and music, which you would expect and also loads of alcohol, which you would not expect.

Then the fights broke out. The young 'lady's' dad knocked a 16 year old lad out. Refused to call an ambulance.

He was heard to moan a couple of days later 'I just don't understand it, I got them lots of booze, I didn't expect them to kick off like they did'. I think he must have thought they would sit around playing tiddly winks!

Well I remember the parties I went to as a teenager. I don't know where all the alcohol came from but everyone drank it and drank whatever there was. A lot of vomitting and also things of a sexual nature

Agree that there is far too much of parents trying to "look cool" and not be the ones disapproving. They sometimes want it to be someone else's job to tell their teenager not to drink/ smoke/ have sex/take drugs.

It's ironic that this more liberal attitude has been getting stronger just as advertising's attitudes have got tougher. No smoking ads in the magazines or on billboards any more, alcohol adverts more carefully monitored and not allowed pre-watershed, drink-driving campaigns far more hard-hitting now (have gone from awareness of "managing" levels to simply zero tolerance and 'shock' ads like the one with the girl in the pub where the guys are checking her out and suddenly she is an accident victim). And so on.