to be pissed off with these parents who BUY under age kids booze for parties?

[EliotNess]

who the fuck are they? S1 goes to a party, he is 14 almost 15. Who buys annabel frigging 48 cans of lager?
I don't feed my kid lager. It is against the law to buy alcohol for under 16s and it is also bloody irresponsible.

the whole french watered down wine mantra has been proven to be a hug middle class fallacy and this condoning of drinking yet ranting about Booze britain is starting to get on me tits

[mrsjay]

whipple I know a family like that all the kids are out of control and are drunk most weekends but it is ok cos there mum is right cool

[Whipple]

A couple of years ago a colleague of dhs provided bottles of 'wicked' to her ds at his12th birthday party.

One mum was furious when she picked up her drunk son. Rightly so obviously.

They don't set a good example of drinking anyway, husband spends every Fri and Sat night downing as many cans of larger as possible it seems.

These two things combined means the 14yo is now out of control. He has been caught stealing parents alcohol on numerous occasions, they have found cans of beer in his bedroom and he has been bunking off school. With no proper boundaries he seems to be on a one way track to self destruction.

They are supposedly a 'decent' family.

YANBU. 16yo is the minimum.

I wish more people talked about the fallacy of the early drinking myth.

[StealthPolarBear]

cory I had no idea you'd been going through such a horrible time. Hope things are getting better for you.

[noddyholder]

In certain situations snooping is the only way to keep an eye on things. I was a bit snoopy re weed as I know it is prevalent in the skateboarding scene and my ds lives and breathes that.

[EliotNess]

We've snooped more recently. He's a child. We are in charge of him. And he can be a bit of a doofus sometimes.

We adore him obv

[thebody]

Cory I hope your dd is getting better now. Bloody awful for you.

Of course you have to trust them to a certain extent or what's the point?

Still a bit of snooping never goes amiss as long as they don't know of course...

[DadOnIce]

Agree that there is far too much of parents trying to "look cool" and not be the ones disapproving. They sometimes want it to be someone else's job to tell their teenager not to drink/ smoke/ have sex/take drugs.

It's ironic that this more liberal attitude has been getting stronger just as advertising's attitudes have got tougher. No smoking ads in the magazines or on billboards any more, alcohol adverts more carefully monitored and not allowed pre-watershed, drink-driving campaigns far more hard-hitting now (have gone from awareness of "managing" levels to simply zero tolerance and 'shock' ads like the one with the girl in the pub where the guys are checking her out and suddenly she is an accident victim). And so on.

[ZZZenagain]

Well I remember the parties I went to as a teenager. I don't know where all the alcohol came from but everyone drank it and drank whatever there was. A lot of vomitting and also things of a sexual nature

[MammaTJ]

I know someone who had a birthday party at their house for their 16 year old daughter. They provided loads of food and music, which you would expect and also loads of alcohol, which you would not expect.

Then the fights broke out. The young 'lady's' dad knocked a 16 year old lad out. Refused to call an ambulance.

He was heard to moan a couple of days later 'I just don't understand it, I got them lots of booze, I didn't expect them to kick off like they did'. I think he must have thought they would sit around playing tiddly winks!

[cory]

noddyholder Sun 30-Jun-13 14:41:27
"Trust does work to a point but tbh even the best parent child relationship can fall at the peer pressure hurdle.I don't think you can predict anything with teens you have to just roll with it and bite your tongue at times."

Very wise words. There are no guarantees.

But frankly, when that happens, even snooping won't make all the difference. With dc this age you cannot keep them 100% safe, you can only do your best.

When my dd had made her second suicide attempt earlier this year, I wanted to give up work to watch her, to keep her safe. The mental health care team pointed out in no uncertain terms that there was no way I could do that: sooner or later, I would have to go to the loo, take a phone call or even fall asleep from exhaustion. If she was determined to go behind my back, then she could sneak out and do it.

They made me see that all possible ways of dealing with the problem were potentially unsafe, but that out of all the possibles, handing her the responsibility for her actions might just be the one with the best longterm chance of success.

A teen who wants to hide alcohol from you can do so. And sometimes they will.

We can do our best, by making sure we do not encourage or condone any illegal or dangerous behaviour and by making it perfectly clear that if they choose to behave in a way we would not condone then that is their choice and nobody else's.

[noddyholder]

Trust does work to a point but tbh even the best parent child relationship can fall at the peer pressure hurdle.I don't think you can predict anything with teens you have to just roll with it and bite your tongue at times. My ds was an arse and doesn't even know why!

[cory]

thebody Sun 30-Jun-13 14:01:31
"I think THE most over used patenting sentence in the world is, 'I know my dd or ds is far too sensible/ sensitive/ mature/ focused/ scared to do that.

They all can and they all will.

Being a patent involves a good deal of snooping in bedrooms/ pockets/ phones/ c"

But with some children trust does actually work. It's a personality question. When I was 16 I stayed in a hotel abroad for a long weekend and I behaved immaculately, sticking to all the rules we had agreed beforehand, because they trusted me and I was proud of that.

If they had made a habit of snooping, reading my private correspondence and generally mistrusting me, I would have made it a point of pride to get one over on them. As a teenager I would not have accepted the thought "they are cleverer than me, they'll find me out"; I would have taken that as a challenge and felt duty bound to prove them wrong.

But I was quite happy to accept "we trust you to stick to a deal like an adult would". Because I knew they always stuck to deals.

[noddyholder]

Thats all you can do. Strict is fine you see the benefits of it further down the line.

[EliotNess]

That's interesting nod. I don't mind being seen as strict. In fact I have to be for other reasons.

All lines of communication open

[noddyholder]

I never changed my stance no matter how many raised eyebrows or flouting of the rules we got. They know where they are with boundaries even if they try to push them My ds admits it made him feel safe and he knew he could call us any time day or night if there was a disaster. The uber liberal parents are now finding things a bit of a nightmare

[EliotNess]

Ouch. Re read. Double apologies.

Re son. He came back ok ish. Just a bit slurry. It's a whole boundary / trust thing going on atm and we keep gently reinforcing the message.

Agree re "my kids too sensible " local professionals kid is selling weed that his sister gets at university. Parents have no clue.

[EliotNess]

Apologies Burberry.

[ThirdTimesABrokenFanjo]

ya totally nbu.

[thebody]

Bugger I phone, computers and a massive broad back to take the 'but everyone else's parents let them' and a massive sense of humour.

[thebody]

I think THE most over used patenting sentence in the world is, 'I know my dd or ds is far too sensible/ sensitive/ mature/ focused/ scared to do that.

They all can and they all will.

Being a patent involves a good deal of snooping in bedrooms/ pockets/ phones/ c

[timidviper]

When I was a teenager, back in the 70s, there were no IDs and adults turned a blind eye to us in the pubs as long as we behaved. Occasionally a barman would say "No, you're not 18, OUT!" but not often and our relatives, neighbours and, once we were in 6th form, even teachers saw us there. We learned to drink responsibly in a social situation where most alcohol tasted horrid, no alcopops or sugary cocktails. Consequently I do think we had a more balanced attitude to alcohol than the kids who grow up drinking White Lightning in the park.

It is a difficult one to balance but I wanted my DCs to learn about alcohol before they went to uni, while they were at home with me to keep an eye on them. Personally I feel 14 is too young and I agree that all parents should be asked before alcohol is provided but I think some of the rules brought in to tackle teenage drinking have made things worse.

I too have had the experience of parents providing alcohol and weed which I think is a step too far.

[noddyholder]

You do have to be vigilant because no matter how good the relationship teenagers lie about this stuff to cover their arses. One of ds mates was selling weed in the playground aged 15 and his mum was a teacher and delighted in telling us all how her ds was a paragon of virtue. He was in terms of grades etc but he was stoned a lot Meanwhile my ds not really a big drinker or weed smoker even though we are considered 'arty' types who might allow it!

[Justforlaughs]

Hehe, I know that most of, if not all of, my 15 yo friends drink alcohol on a regular basis. I was chatting to one of their mums, and she mentioned how they all go round her house bringing bottles of spirits with them. I asked, frankly quite horrified, if my DS was doing this and she said "no, he can't drink can he? It's such a shame about his liver complaint" "What liver complaint???? First I've heard of it! It's a shame that he feels pressured to lie to his friends but at least he's not drinking

[noddyholder]

Did he drink it and get drunk?

[noddyholder]

My ds is 19 now and he has been having groups in the house for years but only once they were about 17 did they openly bring beers round and drink them and NEVER 48! I don't even think you need to offer lager on holiday If we are in a pub restaurant my son will still only have one I think out of respect and probably low tolerance! I founfd the smoking in teh garden a dilemma too